RJ

Mar 19, 2014, Wednesday.

A few weeks have passed since Chloe started coming to my remedial lessons regularly. While they were not as fun and intimate as the times we spent studying in the bar, I still treasure every moment I get to spend with her.

Whenever there was downtime for people to attempt the practice questions, I would walk over to Chloe and hover around her—even holding her hand sneakily whenever I could. It helped that my friends always sat close to her so this didn't draw too much attention; there's nothing strange about me always hanging around Jon, Logan, and the rest of my friend group.

Today, the usual gang is here—Chloe, Emma, Adrian, Jon, and Logan are clustered together on one side of the lecture hall. It's one week after our first set of exams of the year, so they must have more time to show up.

As usual, Chloe situates herself on the side so I can easily talk to her during my downtime.

"RJ!" She flashes me a wide grin as I approach. "I managed to get a B for Chemistry leh!"

My heart flutters in my chest. She is so cute when she's happy.

Glancing around the spacious room, I see that most students have their heads deep in their notebooks. The nearest group of people other than our friends are three rows away. Carefully, I sit down on the steps next to Chloe.

"Good job, Chloe," I say with a small smile.

Chloe beams at me like the ball of sunshine that she is. "Emma and Adrian did well too, they both got A's. You really helped us leh, RJ, thank you. Well, not so much Adrian lah, he always gets A's one."

"It's all you guys lah." I shrug. "I couldn't have done much. Lobang is still failing."

That idiot is on his phone instead of doing his practice questions. When I have the chance, I will smack him in the head.

Chloe shakes her head. "No lah, you are a really good teacher. I didn't do as well in my other subjects."

I raise my eyebrows. "Oh? How did you do?"

Her smile turns to a chagrined pout. "Oh. Uh, I didn't fail them?"

I cannot help but chuckle. "Okay lah, good job anyway. Now let's try to get all A's by the end of the year, 'kay?"

"Yeah." Chloe sighs. "I'll try lah..."

"You'll be able to, we still have months to go. Oh, yeah." I look around to confirm that no one is watching before I take out a small envelope from my pocket. "Got you something extra by the way. That stupid Sean Huang bought me some expensive watch, but I don't even wear watches lah. So I returned it to the store. You can have the money."

Chloe furrows her brows. "RJ, you should have returned it to him..."

"Nah. He gave it to me so it's mine to decide." Sensing her further displeasure, I add, "I told him from the start not to give me anything hor. I can't help it if he keeps doing it."

Brows still furrowed, she gives me a wry smile. "Once the surgery is over, I'll buy you a gift too..."

"Oh? Do you know when it'll be?"

"Yeah, we scheduled the appointment recently. I finally have enough money to convince her to do it."

I can see the relief in Chloe's eyes. There is still a veil of worry but she's happier. Lighter. More hopeful. I scan the room before giving her hand a quick squeeze.

"That's awesome," I say. "When is it?"

"Mid-August."

"Oh... that's a long time away."

Chloe chuckles at my response. "That's how it is mah. We also don't have the full amount ready anyway. But at least this means there's an end in sight. It... It'll be over soon." She glances at me. "And you also won't need to work so hard anymore."

The first thing on her mind is my workload, not hers. Silly girl. How I wish I could pull her into a hug right now. Instead, I have to keep my distance while avoiding potential eavesdroppers.

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"And after that, I can finally focus on just studying," Chloe continues with a sigh. "Then maybe I can actually do well in A levels and get into a university."

That's right, A levels and... university applications. A pit drops in my stomach as I recall my conversation with Chloe when I stayed over at her place. The girl is so bogged down by work, by her mother's health problems, by everything in life, that she does not have time to think about her plans for after JC. I promised to help her figure it out, but a part of me wants to just beg her to follow me wherever I want to go.

"Have you... thought about what universities to apply to?" I ask.

She blinks, taken aback by the sudden question. "I don't know leh... I mean, I don't know if I have the luxury to even think about it. I'm still trying not to fail sia." She gulps as she looks at me nervously. "What about you? You... You still want to go overseas?"

Clenching my teeth, I force myself to nod. It has never pained me so much to acknowledge this goal of mine.

Chloe looks as troubled as I am. "RJ, I... I want to be with you. But if you're going overseas... I don't know lah, I don't know if I can follow you..."

Chloe's voice is a soft whisper that warms my heart while stabbing it at the same time. I want to be with her too, so, so much. I hate how I cannot even act freely around Chloe right now, and I can't imagine how much more it would suck to not be with her at all.

"Chloe, why can't you go overseas too?"

Her frown deepens. "I can't afford it lah..."

"You can get a scholarship." I sit up, suddenly energized. "I can help you with that. I know Ms. Goh keeps a list of past students who applied for scholarships and stuff, and also a list of currently available scholarships. I can ask her for that list. I can also scout around to find out more. You can get a scholarship and go overseas, Chloe."

Chloe stares at me, her eyes a mix of unease and bewilderment. "RJ, I'm- I'm not good enough for a scholarship lah... I'm barely passing my classes."

"You are. You will be. I can help you with your personal statement, with your interview, with everything. I'll make sure you get it." Speaking of that, I need to get those settled for myself too.

Chloe averts her eyes from me as she wrings her pen. "I- I don't know lah, RJ," she whispers. "I've never thought about going overseas before. I'm not... I'm not sure..."

"Think about it, please?" I beg. My eyes dart around the lecture hall before I lean towards her and lower my voice. "I'd love to be with you, to explore the world with you, Chloe. Please think about it?"

Chloe looks as though she is about to burst into tears. I understand why she's hesitant—she has a wonderful mother, unlike the spawn of the devil that is mine. And her mother currently needs her. Silence falls between us.

Someone across the lecture hall waves their hands at me, asking for help. With a heavy sigh, I stand up and walk over to the person, making sure to pass by Logan and smack him in the head.

As I help the rest of the class out with the practice problems, I sneak a peek at Chloe occasionally. Her brows are furrowed while her eyes are dazed. Whatever cheerfulness she had at the start of this remedial lesson is gone now.

My mood sinks. I want a world in which I can be with Chloe openly, but that future seems so far away now. So, so far away.

Ms. Goh was right—love is very hard to figure out.

Thoughts spiral in my head through the entire remedial lesson. It is late in the evening when it ends. As I'm packing up, my friends approach me and I notice Logan and Chloe hugging. I must have looked ready to kill because Logan sees my expression and immediately holds both his hands up in surrender.

"Yo, yo, yo, don't hit me ah! Chloe hugged me, okay? She hugged me!"

"Stop bothering her lah," I snap.

"I wasn't! I swear!"

Chloe places her hand on my arm. "He's helping me lah, RJ." There are tears in her eyes, and my face softens. "He got a bunch of our classmates to donate to help me..."

My mouth drops and I stare at Logan, who is scratching his head awkwardly. "Lobang, you never told me you were doing this."

"Aiya, just thought I should help mah. Jon, Emma, and Adrian helped too."

"It was mainly his idea lah," Jon says.

Emma and Adrian nod in agreement.

I knew Lobang could be a sweet guy, but I still did not expect this. He deserves the hug from Chloe, that's for certain.

"Wanna get dinner together tonight?" I ask him.

"Finally lah!" Logan tosses his hands up. "You're so fucking busy these days, we haven't hung out in so long sia."

"Yeah lah, yeah lah, so you coming or not?" I turn to the rest of the group. "Wanna all go? We can eat at McDonald's? Or whatever you want."

Everyone nods, but Chloe excuses herself to the bathroom. She looks deep in thought as she walks, so I follow her.

I wait by the sink for her quietly, the guilt slowly settling into me. Maybe I shouldn't have brought overseas colleges up and stressed her out like this. After all, most people don't like to leave the country they grew up in, and I can imagine this is especially so for Chloe, who has a godsend of a mother here.

Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and applied wherever Chloe is going to apply. It would have made things easier for us. Sure, I would be stuck near my parents for college, but I've survived my situation for seventeen years, what's four more?

As Chloe comes out of the stall and washes her hands, I stare at her for a while, thinking through my words.

"Chloe," I say finally, "please don't be stressed about applying overseas or to a scholarship, okay? I'm sorry I pushed you earlier, but if you just want to stay in Singapore, that's okay with me. I'll stay too."

Chloe frowns as she dries her hands. "But you said it's always been your dream to go overseas."

"I mean, yeah, but..." I shrug. "I have a new dream now, I guess. I'd rather be with you."

Chloe lowers her head. "That's a lot to sacrifice, RJ..."

"It'll be worth it lah," I insist. "You are worth it."

"No one is worth you sacrificing this much." She stares at the mirror for a while before letting out a long sigh. "Give me- Give me some time to think about it, okay?"

"Okay." I lift my hand and caress her cheek. "I just want to be with you lah."

She turns to look at me. "Me too."

I stroke her face a few more times before wrapping my hand around her neck to pull her in. And for the first time in weeks, we kiss.