Today was amazing.
Spending the entire day with Chloe—not thinking about homework, not focusing on teaching her Math, not worrying about school and work—was so, so amazing.
After coming home from the supermarket, Chloe's mother left for work and we had the entire apartment to ourselves as we baked all sorts of cakes, from simple cupcakes to a seven-tiered rainbow cake. I followed Chloe's every instruction while she strode around the kitchen, whipping up a storm. I have never seen her this happy and confident before. She was in her comfort zone, and it showed.
For a moment, the guilt in me dwindled. When she quits her job at the bar and works as a baker instead, she won't be making as much money, but at least I know she will be happy with the work. And that is all I want for her.
But her mother came home from her job for dinner, and the guilt returned.
I want Ms. Lee, the most incredible human being on Earth, to get the surgery she deserves, but I cannot help financially if I am trying to survive by myself. And Chloe was right—no matter how happy I am away from home, it will be harder for me to break away for real if I continue to be away from home now.
As much as I hate it, I have to suck it up and go back home.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Chloe says, leaning forward to give me a peck on my lips.
My hand flies to her chin to pull her into a deeper kiss. Her smile widens, but I can't bring mine to do the same. "Sleep tight tonight, okay?"
She nods. "I'll miss you."
I want to pull her into my arms and carry her to her room, but her mother is in the other room. And I really need to go before it's too late.
Letting out a huge sigh, I say, "See you in school lah."
With that, I turn around and trudge away from Chloe, forcing myself not to look back at her. The journey back home has never felt rougher.
When I reach the front gates of my house, my hand is as heavy as my heart when I press the bell.
The gate opens automatically. Of course, no one is here to greet me.
I shiver as I take off my shoes and step into the house. The cold, dark feel of the bungalow is a stark contrast to the cozy warmth in Chloe's small apartment.
As I enter the living room, Ruimin pokes his head out from a corner and mouths a silent greeting at me, his eyes shimmering in concern. I wave at him with a half-hearted smile, but that smile disappears the moment I spot my mother.
She is sitting in her usual armchair, drinking a cup of tea and scrolling through her laptop. She does not even glance at me as I walk up to her.
"Ma," I greet.
She responds by sipping her tea, eyes still on her computer screen. After a minute of silence, I start to speak again, but she clicks her tongue in disapproval, cutting me off.
I purse my lips. I have no choice but to wait an additional humiliating minute for her to finish whatever she is doing on her laptop.
Finally, she nods towards the couch behind me. "Sit down."
It has only been a few minutes here, and I already want to storm out of this prison again. But I clench my teeth as I sit down. I have to stay. I have to stay for Chloe. I have to stay if I want to share her burden.
"I knew you'd be back. Getting into trouble already?" Ma asks as she looks at my injured hand.
I put my hands behind my back and ignores her question.
Ma smoothes the fabric of her pants and continues, "Typical. So, what do you need to say, Ruijun?"
"I... apologize," I say through gritted teeth.
She raises her eyebrows as if waiting for more.
My mouth is coarse and dry as I continue, "I'm... sorry. I want to come back home... please."
Ma lets out an exaggerated sigh as she places her cup of tea on the table. "Alright. Despite your disrespectful behavior and the shame you have brought to this family, I will graciously let you come back home,"—A cruel smile tugs at her lip.—"on the following conditions."
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It takes everything in me to not roll my eyes at that. "Fine. What are they?"
Her smirk widens. "One. You are to remain friends with Jon Kwek," she drawls in her grating accent. "It's unfortunate that we cannot be future in-laws with Soon Kwek Foods, but we have come to other agreements together, so I will let that go for now."
That is simple enough; I will always be friends with Jon, no matter how dumb he acts. It does piss me off that my friendship with Jon is still treated as politics though.
"Two. You are to go for weekly meetups by our arrangements and be on your best behavior." Ma looks pointedly at me.
Once again, I have to stop myself from groaning. I'm guessing if any boy complains after one date with me I will be kicked right out of the house. It is not my fault some of them find me 'scary' and 'unapproachable'.
"Three." Ma folds her arms and leans back in her seat. "Your phone and credit card use will now be monitored. Be grateful that I am still paying for them."
Fuck, monitored? Like how? Can I still contact Chloe without my mother finding out about her? And us?
"Four. Our chauffeur will be taking you everywhere you go. I am fair and will not be restricting your movements, but I will need to know where you are at any point and why."
Fuck. And there go my visits to Tropic Falls. Why did I even come back here? I grind my teeth in frustration.
"And that's all. Our first meetup is this coming Friday. Your father and I will visit the Huang estate and you'll come along. They have a very accomplished son in the military." She sits back and crosses her legs with a smile as if she is doing me a favor. "Agreed?"
I stop myself from cursing, and say, "Yeah lah, yeah lah."
"Finally. Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" Ma stands up and closes her laptop. Before she climbs the staircase to her room, she turns to me. "Go take a shower, Ruijun. I have no idea where you've been, but if you want to stay in my house any longer, you'd better wash off whatever germs you brought in from outside."
It takes all my willpower to not grab the teacup on the table and throw it at her. This sucks. Being back home sucks. My mother sucks.
I miss Ms. Lee and her warm smile. And I miss Chloe.
Chloe.
I miss her little pouts whenever I do a shabby job at mixing the cake batter. I miss the way she would chide at me for eating the raw dough. I miss her body. I miss everything about her.
But now, I'm stuck in this prison cell. I hate this. I hate my mother, I hate this home, I hate my life.
"Jie!" Now that Ma is gone, Ruimin rushes into the living room. "You're finally back! Where were you sia?"
"Lobang's."
Ruimin's eyes light up. The little guy loves Logan and thinks he's funny. "Oh my god! You stayed at his place ah?"
"Yeah. He's a good friend."
"He's so hilarious. He played soccer with my class last week after school, you know?"
As Ruimin continues to talk about his life while I was away, my phone vibrates. I glance down and I see Chloe texting me. Fear strikes me, and I immediately click on her name, block her from my contacts, and delete all of her messages.
Staring down at my screen, my phone now feels so... empty. Like my heart.
To fill that void, I finally open up Jon's many messages—one hundred and twelve of them. Geez, what the fuck? Skimming them while nodding occasionally at Ruimin's rambles, I see that they are all apologies and begging for us to meet up to talk. Idiot.
I quickly send him a text back.
RJ: Chill lah bro
RJ: See you in school tmr
Jon replies back immediately and I cannot help but let out a snort.
"Walao eh, Jie you're not even listening to me," Ruimin whines.
"Oh, sorry." I slide my phone into my pocket. "Just talking to Jon."
That seems to clear things up for Ruimin. "How have you been ah, Jie? You look super tired sia."
"I'm okay lah. You don't need to worry about me. How are you doing in your classes?"
"Oh, I actually have a homework question. Can you help?"
"Sure."
---
Feb 17, 2014, Monday.
I have spent less than twenty-four hours back home and Ma is already suspicious. Before leaving for school, she was asking me about my jobs and why I am doing them, even though she had never cared about these things before. I convinced her that I am working to both fill up my resume and save up money for the latest PlayStation. She believed me for now.
With this sudden increase in surveillance, I'm glad I blocked Chloe last night. If Ma sees her name pop up on my phone, she will dig into it, and I don't want that to happen.
But I still hate that I did that. It feels so weird to go from being with Chloe the entire weekend to not even texting her at all. The loneliness is weighing down on my soul.
Sighing, I lean back on the bench table. Assembly is starting soon, and the campus is getting more crowded by the second. I hear my name being called. Turning around, I see Jon walking toward me from the other end of the quadrangle, waving his hand at me.
Huimin is behind him, along with Logan and Audrey, but just the sight of Huimin and Jon together is pissing me off more than it should.
I stand and make a beeline for Ms. Goh's office. I don't know what I have to do there, but she will find me something to do.
As I march down the hallway, Chloe steps in front of me, blocking my way. I freeze, and my stomach churns.
She is staring at me, grief and heartache filling her eyes.
"RJ," she starts, "are you okay? Why haven't you replied to any of my texts?"
Her soft, somber voice rains daggers through my chest. I want to stop right there and hug her. I want to pull her into a kiss and taste her again. I want to tell her just how much I miss her and how much I wish to run away from home to be with her again.
But I cannot. Not with people around.
"Sorry ah, Chloe, I, uh, had to block your number."
Her eyes widen. "What? Why?"
"Uh, long story." I look around me. There are already some classmates glancing at us. I wonder if they are talking about us. I have never interacted with Chloe much in school so maybe this is bringing too much attention to us. To her.
Dread creeps through my gut. Huimin snitched to my mother, so anybody in the school could too. I need to get away from Chloe.
"Sorry, I'll tell you more next time, okay?" I say, stepping away from her.
The look in her eyes stabs me straight in my heart. "RJ?"
God. That sweet voice, paired with that beautiful face of hers, will be the death of me, and I need to leave before I am further enchanted.
Clenching my teeth, I peel my eyes away from her and walk away.