RJ

Feb 24, 2014, Monday.

Chloe is crying.

I halt handing out the quizzes to gape at the door where Chloe bolted out. Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

She is crying.

Why is she crying?

The whole class freezes as well, until Emma and Adrian jump up from their seats and run forward.

"Sorry, Ms. Goh, can we go and check up on her?"

"Yeah, yeah, go, go!" Ms. Goh waves them away, looking as worried as they are.

I wonder if I should follow them, but Ms. Goh gestures to the stack of paper in my hands. Clenching my teeth in frustration, I peel my eyes from the door and hand out the rest of the quizzes

"Yo, what the hell?" Logan exclaims as he balances his chair on the last two legs. "What happened sia? Period? Cramps?"

Huimin lets out an exasperated sigh. "Logan..."

Audrey humors him, however. "She's running so fast, I don't think it's cramps lah."

The classroom breaks into eager chatters, and I can see Jon casting a knowing expression at me. My fists clench just as my heart does.

Is Chloe crying because of me? I should have known that something was terribly wrong when the first thing Chloe did after receiving my call was to hang up and block the number. I thought that maybe she was just being cautious with unknown numbers, but what if she was too upset with me? What if our relationship was already over in her head?

I need to find a way to talk to her.

"Everyone, quiet down for your next class," Ms. Goh orders. "RJ, come help me bring the collected homework back to my office."

I am more than willing to oblige—maybe I'll get to find out where Chloe ran off to.

As we walk down the corridor to Ms. Goh's office, my eyes dart around the campus. I see no signs of Chloe or any of her friends. Worry eats at me, and I ask, "Ms. Goh, did Chloe... Did she do very badly on the quiz?"

Ms. Goh peers at me through her glasses, her eyebrows raised. "Not too well. She must be having a hard time understanding molecular structure. It's a topic that a lot of students struggle with." She sighs. "She was improving so much over the past few weeks too."

Guilt weighs on my head as I lower my gaze. I want to help Chloe. I should be helping her. I want to visit her at her work again and help her with her homework. I want to stay over at her place and talk to her.

But I can't.

I grip the pile of Chemistry homework to my chest as I recall Chloe's tear-stained face. I hate this situation so much. Why is it so hard for me to be with her?

"You know, she really needs to attend remedial lessons," Ms. Goh continues, interrupting my spiraling thoughts. "Have you tried convincing her to come to yours? If she can find time to attend them, it might help her out a lot."

Ms. Goh had hinted a few times that I should get Chloe to come to remedial lessons, but I never did anything about that. After all, I was meeting with her regularly to tutor her. But now...

An idea pops into my head. I cannot find Chloe in my free time anymore, but if I can get her to come to my remedial lessons, we can interact without suspicion.

Hope rises like a balloon in me. "I will talk to her about it soon."

We reach Ms. Goh's office and I place the pile of homework on her table. I notice there are a lot more piles on her table—the same homework from her other classes.

"Ms. Goh, do you need someone to help you grade?"

Chuckling, she sits down and faces me. "Why leh? You want to take on more jobs?"

"I don't mind getting more pocket money."

A small smile tugs at Ms. Goh's lips. "I'll think about it. Don't work yourself too hard, RJ. I see you getting more and more tired by the day."

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I shrug. I do feel very tired, but why should I, when Chloe is working harder than I am? "It's okay lah. Life is supposed to get more difficult by the day, right?"

Ms. Goh laughs again. "What a thing for a teenager to say." She winks at me. "But that's not necessarily true. I'm much happier now compared to when I was in school. I'm doing what I love, I'm living for myself, and I'm much more comfortable just... being myself, you know?"

Her last sentence yanks at me. That's it. That's exactly what I want in life.

"I want that," I blurt. "I want that so bad."

"Everyone does," Ms. Goh says with a serene smile. "You'll get there."

"I don't know if I can. My parents are... I don't know lah. It's not going to be easy for me."

Her eyes linger on me for a while. Then, she taps at the chair next to her. "Want to talk about it?"

"You won't get it one lah," I complain, but I slump into the seat anyway.

Her brow raises. "Try me."

"Well, okay. I hate my parents and I want to get away from them forever."

Ms. Goh's expression does not change. "I see," she states simply.

"And I actually ran away from home a few weeks ago."

Strangely, Ms. Goh still does not appear surprised by that. "Are you back home now?"

I am at a loss for words. I was expecting a far greater reaction than this. "Yeah. Went back last week."

"That's good." She pushes up her glasses. "You're just a kid, RJ. If you want to cut ties with your parents, I would suggest you do it only after you get a stable job."

"Oh." Ms. Goh is my favorite teacher for many reasons, and one of them is how she's always so unusually supportive in a way most teachers aren't. "I wasn't expecting you to support that."

"Well, I have to, because I did the same."

My mouth drops. "You did?"

Ms. Goh nods. "I only go back home for Chinese New Year, and maybe during my sister's birthday. Otherwise, I stay far, far away from my parents."

It takes a while for me to process that information. Ms. Goh seems so responsible, so calm, so... adult. I didn't realize adults also hated their parents.

"Why leh?" I ask.

"It's just... exhausting, I guess." Ms. Goh folds her arms and leans back. "My parents... They have a set of expectations for me—a set of expectations that society has in general, actually—and I cannot fulfill them. I can't become what they wish for me to become. It's not a big deal to me, but it's a huge issue for them. And they let me know that every single time they see me."

"What kind of... expectations?"

She pauses as she takes off her glasses to wipe them. "Marriage, I guess. Or at least, their idea of it. Society's idea of it. I don't have the same view of marriage, or relationships, or love, as the rest of my family. And in my early twenties, that's all I would come home to—my parents nagging my ears off, blaming my personality, my character, refusing to accept my... choices. It's exhausting."

Ms. Goh is being cautiously vague, but it still sounds eerily like the situation I'm in.

"I don't hate them," Ms. Goh continues, "and I wish them well, but it's honestly so freeing to move out and not be subjected to that all day, you know?"

Recalling the week I spent away from home, I reply, "I know."

She gives me a big smile. "So work hard, RJ. Work hard, do well in school, get a job, then move out. It might hurt at the start, but life is much better once you get to choose your own family."

Choose my own family.

I've never thought of that, and the idea warms my heart. If I get to choose, I'll choose Ruimin, and Jon, and Lobang... and Chloe.

I'll definitely choose Chloe.

My fists tighten into a determined ball. "That's my plan, Ms. Goh. I'm going to work hard and get into a university overseas."

"Oh? Where to? UK? US? Australia?"

"Anywhere but here lah. Most probably the US though. I have some schools in mind liao."

"That's great. Just let me know if you ever need a recommendation letter."

"Really? Thank you, Ms. Goh."

"Of course." Ms. Goh puts her glasses back on and gives me a wink. "But don't run away from home anymore, okay? Push through this one last year. I believe in you."

I have to stop myself from groaning at the thought. "Yeah, okay..."

"Alright, go now, go back to class." Ms. Goh shoos me away with her hands.

Nodding, I stand and trudge towards the door.

A question brews in my mind, and as my hand touches the door handle, I cannot help but let it out.

"Ms. Goh?" I ask as I turn around. "So what kind of... idea do you have about marriage?"

Ms. Goh rests her head on her hand as she thinks. "Let's see... The kind of relationship I want in a marriage or partnership is... different from most people. Specifically, the only relationships I desire are platonic ones."

"Huh? So just as friends?"

"Depending on how you define it, yeah."

I blink. "So, like, you don't have sex?"

The corners of her mouth raise just as her eyebrows do. "I don't desire them, so not really."

Huh. That is something I don't think I can ever understand. "So how do you know if you love someone?"

Ms. Goh looks exasperated at my question. "There's more than sex in a relationship, RJ."

"I- I know that..."

My cheeks are heating up, and I must be letting my embarrassment show because Ms. Goh chuckles at my expression. "But honestly, it's something I'm trying to figure out too. Love is very hard to figure out." She bursts into laughter suddenly. "Also, this is not a very appropriate conversation to have here. Go, go to your class now!"

"Right. Sorry."

I hurry out of her office and make my way back to the classroom. That was not a conversation I expected to have, but I'm glad Ms. Goh shared all that. I finally met a person who has successfully cut off ties with their parents, and that person is the teacher I respect the most.

A new conviction grows in me. My parents suck, and the situation they force me into sucks, but they won't be able to control my life forever.

And once I'm free, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I am late for Econ class, but Mr. Lim does not scold me—in fact, he is rather relieved I'm here. As I settle back in the seat, Jon leans over to me. "Dude, you took so long. Even Chloe got back before you."

I glance behind. Chloe is sitting at her usual spot towards the back of the class. Her eyes are red and puffy, but at least she is smiling and talking to her friends now. I heave a small sigh of relief before turning back to Jon.

"Jon, wanna do something to help me out?"

"What?"

"Come to my remedial lesson this Wednesday."

He scowls. "Ew, why?"

"Just shut up and come lah. I'll tell you more after school."