Well, who says that thunder never strikes the same place twice, huh?

Wait. Is that even a saying? I move my hand to the pocket of my black suit trousers when I remember that, 1) I left my phone in New Jersey, 2) I'm not sure Elves have wi-fi.

"So," I say, still flanked by the two guards. "What now?"

They flat-out ignore my question.

We are jumping the queue, resulting in me getting a bunch of hostile stares from the other Elves.

I blank for a second before it finally comes to me.

Speciesism, right.

As I wait for the shorter of the two, Lucillus, to fill out some forms at the gate, I turn my head left and right. First of all, I don't see any Humans queueing. Second, the Elves clearly hate Humans—so the first thing kind of makes sense. Third, I have never had to deal with much racism in my life; I'm new to this.

First order of business: not getting stoned to death by the Elven KKK.

Second order of business, I think to myself while staring at my spellbook: don't let anyone touch the murderous book; I don't want to be accused of murder.

Third order of business...

“You better not try anything weird, [Mage],” says Lucillus, the one with light green eyes and an evident fun deficiency.

"Mage?" I say, yawning. "Who's a [Mage]? Wait—what's that?" I frown. "Do you all see these weird brackets around certain words in your head?"

"What is the [Mage] saying?" Antoninus looks at Lucillus, confused.

"Human gibberish," the other replies.

"Hey, I'm right here, man," I say, outraged. "Come on. What have Humans done to you?"

"Three continental wars, slavery, trying to starve our people to death and exterminate them," Lucillus replies swiftly, and I wince.

"Well, that's bad," I frown. "Anyway, I'm not a [Mage]. Also, I have nothing to do with your Human enemies. I'm neutral. Like Switzerland."

"More Human gibberish?" Antoninus asks his fellow [Guard].

"Yes. Human," Lucillus addresses me after replying to his pal, "if you are not a [Mage], why do you have a spellbook on you?" Lucillus says with a stern gaze, and a finger pointed at my murderous tome.

“Oh, this bad boy here," I say while slapping the cover at a safe distance from them, "I think it might be a spellbook? Wait, what did the Dragon Lady say again..."

"Dragon? A Dragon gave that to you?" They both go wide-eyed.

"I mean, I'm not sure? She was hot, though. Like, smoking hot. See what I did there? No? Tough crowd. Anyway, I’m not a mage. I’m just… Sort of carrying it around?” I try to wink, but I only get two icy stares in return.

"What? You don't have Dragons here?"

Lucillus frowns. "[Archmage] Marcus and some of his disciples at the academy are Dragons," Lucillus says while looking at Antoninus. They both shrug before the Elf keeps explaining, "you'll have to have that appraised to make sure it doesn't carry a curse. We don't allow uninspected items to be carried around. You'll be referred to an [Enchanter] for that. And you'll have to pay for it out of your pocket. You will be questioned by a magical consultant of the Watch to make sure your business in Amorium follows proper conduct."

"Well, that [Enchanter] thing is going to be a problem," I note, "I'm broke."

"You broke something?" Antoninus looks at me with a frown.

"Huh, interesting," I mumble. Now that I notice it, we all speak English, but it seems they must have cursed some roots before, and now, they don't know what 'I'm broke' means. "I don't have any cash," I explain. "Money, coins, pesos."

"It doesn't matter. The Watch will pay for it and generate an outstanding debt in your name. You'll have thirty days to repay it, or you will—”

"End up in jail?" I say with a stupefied expression.

"No, Human," Lucillus tches with his mouth, "you will need to repay it in work. The Watch always needs someone to clean up the building or refill the Mana of some of our enchantments. But we are talking barely a couple of silvers for a general assessment. How do you not have any money?"

"Lucillus! Move it! You two rotten idiots are blocking the line!"

A [Guard], who's clearly not happy with us standing in the middle of the gate, screams at Lucillus.

"Let's go; we'll discuss your presence in Amorium on the way."

...

"Is this your first time in Amorium?" Antoninus asks as we cross a massive bridge.

"Yeah," I mutter. There's basically a double set of city walls. The first is at the gate, but there's a second checkpoint before you reach this long-ass bridge. I swear this bridge must be a quarter of a mile long.

And you know what? The air smells really good.

You'd expect that a medieval city would smell like shit. I mean, it's not like the Middle Ages were renowned for their cleanliness, right?

But as we walk across this monumental bridge, I realize there are no cars, pollution, or anything like that. If these people have a decent sewer system, this might actually be a much healthier place than NYC—well, it's not like it takes much to do better than that.

"Can I look over the bridge for a second? Not gonna jump, I promise."

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Lucillus and Antoninus shrug and then nod.

I look over the granite edge and see a jump of several hundred feet. It seems there's a deep crevice between the city and the walls. And down there, a river flows unimpeded.

"Wow, this is a natural wonder," I say, gaping.

"Natural? The city paid [Geomancers] so much for this," Lucillus frowns.

"Huh? Magic did this?"

Lucillus explains a bit of Amorium, Epretos, and the Kingdom of Lucerna's history.

"Amorium was originally located on a flatland. After the Extermination Wars, one of the country's most famous [Architects] took it upon himself to create a system that would slowly bring water up and down based on our needs. So the waste flows down and into the Eastern canals, whereas the cultivation and drinking water comes from the Western ones.”

“The whole thing is a nightmare to manage,” Antoninus says with a shiver.”

“True. But if anyone tried to take Amorium, they'd find it almost impossible to get to us if we blow off the bridges. And, by the way, all the soil unearthed from here got redirected to the Green Stretches outside Amorium's Western wall. That earth down there was soaked with Earth-attuned Mana—that’s why it became the best possible cultivation material."

I notice Lucillus's pride in his city, so much so that he seems nice. But only until I asked the next question.

"What were the Extermination Wars?"

"When we got fed up with the treachery of the Humans and expelled their rule forever. It happened several centuries ago—now, we allow Humans back in Lucerna," he gives me a long glance as he finishes the sentence.

"Huh, cool. Mass genocide, right. How did it not come to me, I wonder? But wait, what's Lucerna?"

"Kingdom of Lucerna?" Lucillus frowned.

"What Kingdom is that?"

"Ours."

"Oh, this is the Kingdom of Lucerna."

I receive a long stare from both in response.

"Let's get moving. It takes a while to get to the Watch,” Lucillus ignores my antics and pushes me toward the city.

We’re still walking by the edge of the bridge, and I glance at many houses in the distance, most of them made of wood, but some clearly made of shiny marble.

"Human, what is your business in Amorium?" The tall brute asks.

"Nothing, really. Also, cool name, Amorium. I don't know if this is some weird translation spell in my head, but I studied a bunch of Latin, so I understand some. It means ‘love,’ right? Yeah. Very cool."

"You speak the Ancient Tongue?" Lucillus looks at me, impressed.

"I mean, it is ancient, I guess. But the real question is, what is the Ancient Tongue?"

"We inherited some of their cities and a part of the language from Dragons," Lucillus states matter-of-factly. "Don't you know Epretos's history?"

"Who's Epretos?"

"This continent?" Antoninus frowns.

"Oh, right. Sure. The continent. How would one not know the continent, am I right? I was just joking. But I actually don't know the history of..."

"Epretos?" Lucillus suggests when he sees me struggling with the name.

"Yeah. Epretos. Cool stuff you guys have, by the way. This bridge is really cool. Like, super cool."

Both seem somehow mollified by my compliment, swelling with pride for their city. So much so that they actually change their attitude a bit.

"So," Lucillus says with a more relaxed tone, "do you have any particular question, Human? I make a point of reading about our ancestors and their history. You don't seem very well-read on Elven culture, but I'd be happy to clear any doubts you might have."

"Nice," I say, with one question popping up in my head before any other. However, I can’t really ask it too directly. See, I don’t want to get put on a pike right after entering the gate.

“Are Elven women... taller than Human women?”

“Yes,” Lucillus frowns. “Elves are usually much taller than women—sorry, Humans. Both women and men are taller than your people. Why?”

“Well... I’m not a super-expert in anatomy, it’s just that I love proportions, one could say.”

Lucillus doesn’t seem to get what I’m hinting at.

“See, I’m a fan of geometry, you could argue. When one’s body grows bigger, I suppose it’s fair to think that all their attributes might follow along.”

“Human, what are you trying to ask?” Lucillus hasn’t caught up yet.

“I’m kind of trying to understand what’s the number of fruits of the Cucurbitaceae family compared to the Prunus family. Well, in short, what’s the melons to plums ratio, you know? Is it different from Humans?”

“You should ask a [Green Mage],” Antoninus says, confused. “We are [Guards].”

“Antoninus,” Lucillus shoots a glance at him, “I don’t think that’s what the Human is asking, here.”

“All I’m saying is, what are little plums for, right? What am I going to do with them? Jam? So, it is my current impression that you might have shortages of jam, given your female counterparts I’ve observed so far.”

Antoninus seems really confused by the question.

"What is he asking, Lucillus?"

His pal doesn't look happy anymore.

"He's asking if our women have bigger boobs."

Both look at me with stern expressions.

"What? You said, ‘ask any question about Elves.’”

...

As we walk on what seems to be the main road, it comes to me that Elven women do have bigger chests than Human women—even though Lucillus and Antoninus didn’t want to entertain my question, I still got my answer. That is fascinating. And all strictly for science purposes, obviously. However, my two minders and [Guards] don't seem to appreciate my penchant for female biology.

But I do appreciate Elves doing an Ancient Rome cosplay. It's cool. Latin names for people, cities, and their Kingdom. I wonder whether they even have gentes, the noble family system present in Italy two-thousand years ago.

So far, the only busted myth about Elves is their supposed cleanliness. These Elves clearly have better hygiene than you'd expect from peons in the Middle Ages, French people, and San Francisco's inhabitants, but it’s still not the same as the close-to-perfection vibes of Tolkien's immortal Elves.

Anyway, it does smell better than Jersey, so.

"Human—"

"Luciani," I say while looking at Lucillus. "The name's Luciani. Joey Luciani."

“Luciani," Lucillus grumbles, "we'll have to write a report on your activity here. What are you doing in Amorium?"

"A report? Meh, sucks to be you. I don't do paperwork. Anyway, I'm here to... work? I mean, finding myself a job would be nice, I guess."

"I have never heard of the Lucianii gens, Lucillus," Antoninus mutters from the side.

"Shut up, Antoninus. Humans have different systems, and you never study the notes the [Captain] gives us."

Shoot. They do actually have the gens. Interesting. Clans, basically. Wow.

"So, have you heard of the Luciani family, Lucillus?" Antoninus shoots back.

The aforementioned Lucillus, the green-eyed guard, simply stays silent, brooding.

“You don’t?” the burly man sighs and fishes a snack out of a pocket, smirking at his pal.

"Oh, what's that? Is that an eggplant?" I look disconcerted as this man fishes out a jar full of oil and what looks like sliced eggplant.

"Eggplant? No. This is a marinated lidula. Want a piece?"

"Sure, why not," the man passes me a little wooden twig with a pointy end, and I pick up one of the strips, letting almost none of the oil drip to the ground as I flick the thing into my mouth. "Man, this is nice. Very rustic. It tastes like eggplant, but it's like eggplant mixed with tomato au gratin. Damn. Nice."

"Are you a [Cook]?" Lucillus asks.

"Sort of. I'm a [Baker]."

"Oh," Antoninus suddenly looks interested. "Are you a good baker?"

"Kind of," I give him my custom wink-with-tongue-click.

"Oh, you should introduce him to Clodia if he's looking for work as a [Baker]," Antoninus tells Lucillus.

"Is your head molding, Antoninus? Bring a Human male to my cousin? Then what? We get blamed when she chokes or stabs him to death?"

Well, she sounds like my type of gal.

As Antoninus keeps eating, he banters with Lucillus.

"So, you don't know the Luciani family, huh?"

"I might have, idiot. At least I read the notes on Humans from the [Captain] to keep our city secure."

"I swear, one day, someone will get the [Scholar] class after reading those rotted poem-long reports the [Captain] loves to jot down."

Antoninus is quite illiterate, it seems. Together with hygiene, that’s another myth about Elves busted.

“Antoninus, [Captain] Drusillus will have your ears chopped off if you don’t start studying,” Lucillus said.

Suddenly, the road opens, and we find ourselves in front of a huge park. It's surrounded by ten-foot-tall statues, forming an oval that probably spans over half a mile. I find myself gaping at the sight of this beautiful place again.

"What is this?" I speak, bewildered and noticing a vibrant market just outside this green park.

"This is the Pratus," Lucillus replies with a wide smile.