“And?” Alex was thoroughly confused as to why she seemed upset at this. Szhaan had just been another word she’d left behind, as far as he knew. There didn’t seem to be anything else going on in his head.
Carbon stiffened and looked at her hands, fingers knitted together in her lap. “I am sorry. I was not entirely honest about what happened when I linked with your mind.”
“Alright.” Alex had thought this was going to be a pretty straightforward question to answer, just define a word - which did happen. He was now one Tsla word smarter. It still felt like he’d come no closer to an actual answer, though. “And?”
“There are... Tsla’o need - to feel at ease - we need to have a certain amount of emotional contact with others.” Carbon edged away from him in her seat, voice getting softer and softer as she spoke. She looked like she expected him to reach out and hit her. That did fit his understanding of the Tsla’o view of humans. Brutish and quick tempered. “Other Tsla’o.”
“I’m following what you’re saying here, but I still don’t understand where you’re going.”
She exhaled, a plaintive sigh the only sound in the sickbay. “While I did inspect your mind to see if you still lived, I also lost control of myself and used it to experience that emotional connection without your permission.”
He nodded slowly. “Okay. I can tell this is a big deal to you, but I’m not picking it up. Accidents happen sometimes. You’re good.”
She looked up at him wide-eyed, shaking her head. “No, I am not good. This is not just an accident. Even if it were, it is not one that can be dismissed so casually!”
He found himself exasperated at this but still tried to hide it, closing his eyes and exhaling to calm himself down. This was what Alex had asked for, after all: a greater understanding of Tsla’o culture. He sounded positively understanding when he spoke. “Look, I don’t feel like anything untoward happened. You expect me to feel violated by this. If you want me to feel that way, you’re going to have to explain it so I can understand it.”
It seemed to settle her down a little, crystal blue eyes searching for a place to start. “What do you know of my role as Lan?”
“You’re an engineer.” That’s what he’d been told. Shipmaster was just an overly fancy way of saying it. Which is why she’d been installed as on the ship, presumably she had the credentials for it. “Chief engineer specifically.”
“That is the function I serve here.” Her lips pulled tight for a moment and she tapped her claws together in a gesture she’d never done in front of Alex before, clicking them quietly. “A Lan oversees a ship. Normally one much larger than this.”
Alex nodded. “I’m following so far.”
“We stand as a component of the command staff. The captain is still the captain. The head of engineering is still just that. A Lan can step into any of the command roles temporarily. While I am drawn to engineering as a specialization, the training is more about building and maintaining the interpersonal connections of all the crew, with a focus on the command. Though I often assisted in monitoring the mental and emotional well-being of the rest of the crew as well.”
The edges of the puzzle were starting to come together, even if he wasn’t sure what the picture was yet. “That is a lot more complex than I’d been led to believe.”
“It was a difficult path to take. I had thought that difficulty had prepared me for this, but I did not understand how arduous it would be. I knew the maintenance would be unending, that is the nature of a running ship. The isolation was crushing. I did not know how alone I could feel even with another person present.” She paused and exhaled, “I do admit that I did nothing to help the situation. I ignored my training and suffered for it.”
“Don’t blame just yourself for that. We were both pretty standoffish for... Since we met, really.”
She smiled a little and continued, “I overestimated my own abilities while ignoring why you acted the way you did. As Lan I always had the captain's ear, but you receive your orders from Earth and follow them without even mentioning them to me. This is appropriate for you, even if it unsettles me. All these little stresses built up, and I didn’t even have a companion to share that with.”
“Companion?”
“Yes, for emotional bonding and monitoring the crew’s health. It’s important that a non-family crew be close for optimal ship performance.”
Alex’s brow furrowed. If that meant what he thought it meant, mixed crews were going to be pretty rare. “When you say close, do you mean like...” he made half an obscene gesture with his functioning hand, “companions?”
“Oh, no.” She shook her head and then reconsidered, ”Well, yes, it is not unheard of. But the power imbalance of having a partner like that from my station would be unconscionable. It would undo all I have worked for.”
“That’s... Good.”
Carbon nodded in agreement. “I was unprepared for this mission and while I had just intended to just be sure you were still alive, I did let our thoughts mingle while I was in your head. I did not just see your memories, I experienced them.” She sighed and ran her fingers down her antenna. “It was like finding water during a drought, I could not stop myself. I believe that is why you remember that link.”
“Oh. I suppose you did what you had to do. Do you feel better?” His response surprised him a little bit. He actually wanted to know if she felt better.
“That is not the point, I should not have crossed that boundary.”
Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
“Was there any harm done?” If there had been, he was completely unaware of it. “Like, you didn’t delete my mom. I don’t even remember you rooting around in anything particularly sensitive.”
She bristled at something he’d said, suddenly much sharper. “You cannot delete a memory, and while I may have briefly lost my way I did not seek out anything - I only experienced what rose to the surface of your mind.”
“Hey, easy. This is all new to me.” He collected his thoughts and prepared his rebuttal. “So, the short of it is that this was an accident brought on by an unusual situation. One you could not have foreseen, one that has never occurred before? Am I reading this right?”
Her jaw worked for a moment. “That is an accurate assessment. However-”
“You said it yourself,” he interjected with an index finger held up, intentionally cutting her off. “You saw what was on my mind, you didn’t go looking for something sensitive or salacious. There was no malicious intent, you didn’t seek power over me, or to do harm. Right?”
“Correct.” She clearly hadn’t appreciated his attempt at preventing her from invalidating everything that she had said before that ‘however’ but was still putting up with his line of questions so far.
“So explain how I have been harmed by this accident.”
Carbon sat there for a long time, silently stopping and starting several times. “I do not know that you have been harmed.”
“Right. This is about a social transgression that really only exists to the Tsla’o. I’m not going to act like I don’t feel a little weird about it as an invasion of privacy, but given what you’ve said - I am relying on your honesty here - it’s a bit like if I kept a journal and left it open and you skimmed those pages.” It seemed prudent to leave out the part of the analogy where she would have broken into his room to read that open journal. “Somebody once said: if we are to survive, formalities will not help us. I suppose I am taking that to heart.”
He head tilted and she pulled her lips thin with a grimace as he quoted her back to herself. “Very well. You have managed to convince me that you do not perceive it as seriously as I do.”
“Good. I honestly don’t. And I am curious, did it work?”
“Yes, it did. Even unconscious, you have a wonderfully vivid mind." She paused here, as though she were unsure to continue. "It was striking, I wish it had been under different circumstances.”
“I’m glad.” It was almost a question. “If you need to do that again, please just ask. I don’t want someone to suffer when I can relieve it with a thought.”
Carbon gave him a curious glance, confusion marked with something else he couldn’t pin down. “You will have full control over what is experienced when conscious.”
“I guess I won’t mind at all, then.”
She relaxed noticeably and sighed with relief. “I am glad this did not end how I initially envisioned it.”
Alex laughed, “I figured. You looked pretty worried, but it’s not like I could have done anything in my current state.”
“Thank you.” She smiled in earnest again, ‘I did not think we would ever be on good terms, I am glad they let me pick you over the others.”
“What?” The administration had told Alex he’d been chosen because he was an exceptional pilot and this was an important task. Both those things were still true, as far as he knew, but no one had told him Carbon had gotten to pick.
“I thought your background in anthropology would be useful in understanding each other. They did not tell you?”
“No. When did they have you do that?”
“Shortly after the project was started, just over a year ago. I had been offered several pilots to choose from.”
“That’s-” Alex stared at the wall, realization dawning slowly. “That’s when they brought me back to the program.”
“The documents said you were already a pilot.”
“I had my atmospherics license at the time, and was in the program for a year before one of my aptitude scores came in just below the threshold to progress. Literally a percentage point outside their desired range. I was devastated for a few months, then decided to go back to college. Did that for two years, then they came to me and offered to bring me back into the program. I ended my classes in anthropology for this. It’s what I’d always wanted.”
“What?”
“Since I was a kid, I had wanted to be a pilot.”
“Not that... You were still in college?”
“Yeah. I’d almost finished my undergraduate work. I was thinking about going for a doctorate.”
“I had been told you had a, ah... Master's degree? A high level of proof of skill, correct?”
He laughed a little, “No. I had an aerospace science bachelors but that was in preparation for joining the Civilian Pilot Program. I had gone back to get a masters, though I changed my major pretty significantly.”
Carbon had started to look a little upset at all of this, starting to talk several times without success before she finally spoke. “How old are you?”
“Twenty six.”
Her body relaxed, conforming to the shape of the chair she was buckled to as shock spread across her face. “How could- If you did not have the abilities they claimed, this could have been more disastrous. We could both be dead.”
“Having met a lot of other pilots, I think it is because I was studying social anthropology. I am interested in other cultures, while... Eh, Some of them still don’t like having women on board their ships. Having an alien on their crew would be a slap in the face, they just wouldn't have gone along with it.”
Carbon’s face was resting in her hands, fingers massaging her temples and she rocked slowly. “I am sorry, this is a shock. Do not take me wrong, I am pleased you are as capable as you are.”
“I am, too.” He laughed to himself. “You’re going to hate this.”
“Is there further deception I am unaware of?” Those azure eyes looked over at him through her fingers, dreading that possibility.
“No.” Alex paused. “Probably, but that’s not what I mean. You know how you thought I was getting orders from Earth?”
“Yes.”
“So. During my final briefing before departure, they gave me a segment of the star chart that’s basically twice the Human-Tsla’o border and told me to come home in two years.”
Carbon sat up again, “That’s it?”
“That’s the gist of it. Lots of little details, but they never told me where to go. Every single system we’ve visited has been one I picked because it might have grade-1 planets. If I had known you’d wanted to have input on where we went, to have the captain’s ear, I would have worked with you on that.”
“I think I would have appreciated that. Though, I likely would have left the decisions to you as it is part of your command.” She stopped and clicked her teeth, a hushed word in Tsla’o that once again felt like a curse as realization struck her. “Pilot is your title, not the role you fulfill.”