“Hey.” Alex laid his hand on Neya’s shoulder and shook her gently, barely awake as he tried to get her attention. He spoke the word to turn the lights up to ten percent, squinting in the dim light. “Hey, wake up.”
Neya didn’t respond immediately, still whimpering and twitching violently in her sleep. Her body went stiff when she came to, a yell strangled in her throat. The pale Tsla’o panted quietly, limbs spasming with less and less force as she started to relax.
“Just a nightmare. Kaeten?” All right? Alex kept his voice soft and soothing, using one of the few Tsla words he knew by heart before he slipped his arm over her chest and pulled her close. He leaned in between her thin antennae to kiss the back of her head and gave a little squeeze. It seemed like what Carbon would have done, if she had been there. Probably in the bathroom.
“Te. Sa meha.” Yes. Thank you. Her hands came up and gripped his forearm as she curled up around his arm, tremors passing as her breathing settled into a natural rhythm.
He switched his implants on and pressed his translator into service. While he considered that little conversation a successful test of his functional knowledge of Tsla, it was now fully expended. Alex set up a phrase and carefully picked through the phonetic translation like he did talking to those kids earlier in the night. “I am glad. Do these often happen to you?”
A little shrug as she adjusted herself, setting her cheek down on his hand. She spoke slowly, matching his pace. “Every few days. Sometimes once a week. I think the... Nh. The changes that have been going on lately have made them worse.”
“Changes?” Alex blurted out his reply before he even thought about translating it.
Neya shook her head. “I am not wearing my connection. Let me-”
“I’ve got it.” Alex reached up for the little case sitting on the ledge at the top of the bed, the metal beads that would connect her to her AI inside. He remembered the experience of putting them on from their link. It was a very straightforward process, and one that surprised him at how familiar it felt from just that one memory. They were closed around her antennae in a moment, gently snugged down on the fluffy purple tips of her antenna. They glowed a dim blue as she established a connection. “Not sure what you meant by changes?”
“You were unexpected. Carbon did not hate humans when she left, but that she would return with one holding her heart...” She petered off, sounding particularly defeated when she continued. ”I am not as swift-footed as I should be in my adaptation.”
“By your own admission, you had no idea I would show up. How much precedent is there for this sort of thing, anyway?” He had an excellent idea what the answer to that would be.
“It has never happened before, as far as I am aware.” Neya worked her feet slowly, rubbing her inner toes together as she considered what he was getting at. “There is no way for me to have changed any faster.”
“Right.” No surprise she had picked that up, but he was relieved she did anyway. “Given the difference of our cultures, I’d say you’ve been far more quick to accept me than I have of you.”
She processed that with a silent laugh, a smile creeping onto her face as those violet eyes looked over at him. “You are faster than you think. You did not send me away last night, and you do not seem to have clothed yourself afterwards.”
“Yeah, well...” He cleared his throat. “I said we’d both work on it.”
“So we are.” She closed her eyes and nodded once, then kissed his hand in a manner very similar to how Carbon had done it. “I am again glad you have such dedication to her.”
“Likewise.” He glanced over his shoulder at the room, making sure she wasn’t just standing in the kitchen or something equally weird. She wasn’t, but he still lowered his voice. “While she’s in there... How was she when she got back from dinner and me getting roped into that meeting with Eleya?”
“She was mad, to be sure. But it did not burn as bright as her anger towards Eleya has in the past. I gave her my attention, made sure she felt heard. It turned into a mere annoyance in a few minutes, and then I enticed her energy elsewhere.” She sounded proud of that, but there was a distinct hint of guilt in there too.
“Good. That’s still progress for her. Right?” He assumed it was, half of the interactions he’d been present for had ended up in at least shouting. Admittedly, the first one had been a doozy.
Neya exhaled and nodded. “Oh yes. In the past if their meetings had gone badly she would usually just go sulk somewhere on the ship. I used to try to find her when she would do that, but Carbon knows how to get around Tsla’o craft without being track-” She stopped and cussed under her breath.
It wasn’t in his dictionary, the translator giving him a little ‘untranslatable’ warning, so it was probably swearing. “What?”
“I should have seen it sooner. She knows how to avoid detection on our military ships. If she wanted to be a ghost onboard, she could be.” Neya hissed, mad at herself for not putting that together sooner.
“Oh, right. If Eleya was going to force her to do something, being able to simply slip away would be useful.” This revelation was unsettling, though not as bad as finding out Carbon had the ability and plans to simply assassinate her aunt despite the Guard being right there. What other skills that she hadn’t told anyone about were they going to be uncovering?
“Yes, exactly.” Still very annoyed at herself.
“Hey, dial it back. It’s bad enough that Carbon does that.” Having the other wife come down on herself too was entirely unreasonable. “This is news to us. Don’t blame yourself for something she clearly went out of her way to keep secret. Probably thought she was insulating you from anything she might have to do.”
Neya took a deep breath and exhaled, warm air caressing the back of his hand. “Right. That is how she would look at it. She cares so much about others in place of herself.” Another sigh came immediately after.
“That’s our Carbon.” Despite the weight of this information, he laughed. It wasn’t really funny, but there was nervous energy in him that needed an exit.
“Yes, yes it is.” While the anger had been ushered out of her voice, sadness and guilt remained.
“Something else bothering you?”
“Lights, off.” Neya was quiet in the darkness for a few slow, contemplative breaths before she spoke again. “Yes. But I do not know if I should speak it.”
“I mean, if it’s so serious that you don’t know if you should get it out, you probably need to get it out.” That was his experience with feelings like that. “So, hit me. I’m an alien, I’m sure I’ll have an interesting viewpoint for you.”
Neya replied to that with a short, nervous laugh. She shifted, rolled out from under his arm and slid away from him, practically face to face with the wall.
Well, that’s suspicious. “If you change your mind, the offer stands. I am absolutely discreet about stuff like this as it’s-”
“Stop.” The word came out with sharp, tenuous edge. An order more than a request. “I am trying to gather my courage to speak and I cannot do so if you keep talking.”
He stayed silent, letting her have the space she needed. Alex was terribly curious as to what exactly would cause this reaction but reigned in his imagination - no sense getting himself worked up over made up scenarios.
Neya spoke without warning, her words spilling out quick. “I have- I have failed in my duties as Carbon’s Zeshen. As yours, for that matter.”
Maybe he should have let his imagination wander a little bit. His understanding of Neya’s duties was pretty shallow at the moment, though he understood that it got very deep. “How?”
“A Zeshen should not become attached to their Aeshen. I find that, in the last few years, I have become-” She paused again, a frustrated growl from low in her throat the only sound in the cabin. “Unreasonably enamored with her, and in turn I find myself jealous of you.”
“Huh.” He needed a couple of seconds to process that. It... kinda made sense. Maybe. Having a sample size of one didn’t make for the easiest analysis. “Ok. So like, sure. I just- I’m at a loss here. You thought telling me you’re in love with my wife and jealous about it was a good idea?”
“Everything you have done so far has told me that Carbon is right about you. Even if she had not shown me, it would be clear. You earnestly attempt to understand us when we are alien to you. You embrace our ways even when it causes you harm. You offer what we consider honorable paths without a second thought.” Neya grumbled, irritated now and that edge back in her voice. “So no, I do not think it is a good idea. But there is no one else to speak it to so I accept this bad idea over worse alternatives.”
“Yeah, you got me there.” He figured the worse alternatives involved leaving. Either the arrangement as Carbon’s Zeshen, or this mortal coil entirely. “I mean, I kinda figured you two were a little more than the description of a Zeshen that Carbon showed me.”
“We are not. I have not spoken to her about these feelings. While she does have a friendly relationship with me, I do not perceive her to reciprocate.” Neya was very specific about that, ensuring that this was on her side only, as far as she knew. “I know my duties and I fulfill them as I have been trained. Despite that rigid framework, I find that I do not only respect her as my Aeshen. I desire her as a romantic partner as well. This is something that I know other Zeshen have struggled with, but the intensity is...”
“It’s a thing you can’t have, so that makes it worse. And watching someone else have what you want with her probably makes that worse.” Maybe he should have asked her to head out for a while last night. From the outside of this situation, he did sort of have an inkling about the formation of these feelings. “How was your ability to keep that separate before the disaster?”
“Fine. Even then I was attracted to her. She is gorgeous by our standards, as I think you have come to know. I enthusiastically engaged in any activities when she desired them. But it was easy to stay distant from personal feelings at the time.” Neya said all this like it was just stuff that happened.
Wait, hang on. “Activities?”
“Yes, to take care of her carnal appetites. As you did a few hours ago?”
“Huh. Carbon takes the lack of distinction between Aeshen and Zeshen pretty seriously, apparently.” Alex couldn’t say he was really surprised at finding this out. It left him feeling weird in a remarkably ambiguous manner. The way they acted together had looked like they were in a regular relationship, so it was likely that sex was part of that. Even if they considered it to be masturbation because there was only ‘one’ person involved. Probably why Carbon had said she’d never been with anyone else before back on the Kshlav’o. He hadn’t made it a point to pry into the history of anyone he’d dated before so that previous experience didn’t particularly bother him, though it felt a bit like the most technical lie ever told. “Okay.”
“She does. This is why I am afraid to tell her that I have developed these feelings.” Worry crept back into her voice. “She makes fun of my lack of adherence to protocols, but she does consider them and their importance. This is a violation of them. I should have consulted the council for assistance in controlling these feelings, eased myself away from her, and if they could not have been brought under control, stepped away. But I have not. I have not even tried.”
“The council is basically gone though, right? The support network you used to have?” What had it been, the entire town they were in was destroyed during the disaster on Schoen? Everything she had grown up with, her friends and mentors, wiped away in an instant.
“Yes.” The word was carried on a soft whimper of pain, punctuated with a sniff of silent tears.
“And what replaced it?”
“Nothing.”
“Not nothing.” In a less serious conversation he’d have chastised her for calling Carbon ‘nothing’ but he held the jokes for another time.
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
Neya took a moment to think about it. “Carbon did.”
Alex hummed an affirmative. “But you’re not going to burden her with things like a little appreciation for beauty growing into something more serious, right? Not with everything she was going through at the time.” It was a leap of logic there, but he felt like that one was pretty accurate.
“How did- Is it that obvious?”
“I mean, yeah? Shit, if I can pick it up, I’m surprised Carbon hasn’t already talked to you about it.” She was the one with years of experience with Neya, after all.
“She has been busy. Very busy.” Neya sighed and curled up into a ball, only the top of her head still out from under the blanket. “And it was not so bad before she left on the expedition. Easier to hide, and hide from.”
“They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I used to think that was bullshit, but more and more I think it’s accurate.” Alex shrugged in the dark. “So, with your extended support network here, how do you want to proceed?”
“I do not know. I had expected you to tell me to leave, actually.” A thin little laugh. “I did not feel capable of committing to that myself, but an Aeshen may dismiss their Zeshen from service. I had hoped for something different, that you have some understanding that I could not see, but...”
“Ok, first thing. Actually kinda pissed about being used as your executioner.” Should have seen that coming. Easier to let someone else pull the trigger. “Second, I still know jack and shit about the Zeshen business. That means I don’t know anything, if the translation isn’t clear. Third, yesterday morning - oh my god it hasn’t even been a full day yet - when you two were sitting across the table from me... It was like looking at a married couple. Entwined, whatever. The ease and affection between you two was clear.”
He scarcely took a breath before continuing, “I had thought at the time that I’ll give it a week, see how things are looking. Because it made me feel like shit. I was - I am intruding into a much longer relationship. I know you’re going to say ‘that’s what a relationship with a Zeshen looks like’ but I doubt it. Life has shifted for you, for both of you. The normal way of things was obliterated two years ago, and out of that wreckage you two had each other. Am I wrong?”
“No, that is correct.”
“If I’m being honest? I think Carbon is hiding feelings for you as well, or at least ignoring them as much as she can. Call it a hunch, but if it comes down to you or me? I know it’s going to be you.”
“She would not.” Neya was very much bewildered by that implication. “I am just her Zeshen.”
“Who she was afraid to talk to when she returned to the hearth, because she came back with a boyfriend.” He sprinkled in some terms he’d heard them use to emphasize what he was saying. Alex couldn’t help a little smirk there, it felt like an incredibly salient point. “That’s not very Aeshen of her.”
Neya actually sputtered before she could formulate a reply. “It is not like that. She would not violate protocols like that.”
“Yeah she would.” He recalled how quickly she’d given up the ‘right’ way to do laundry on the Kshlav’o over being called his girlfriend. Not the same level of importance, no, but she had turned from tradition on a dime. “If her heart was in it. I get the feeling that is something you would do, though.”
A little shrug shifted the blanket. “So it appears.”
“The weaving in action, then? She said you’d been getting more mindful of protocol. Maybe you have convinced her to not take it so seriously as well.” Something that would have drawn the pair inexorably closer as well.
“It is possible.” Neya exhaled a soft sigh and rolled over to face him, eyes reflecting pinpricks of dim light from the clock in the kitchen. “It is part of why I was chosen.”
“To get her to lighten up?”
“Ah, yes? If I take the meaning correctly. The fervor in which she had thrown herself into studies was, for some time, unreasonable. I was told she somehow managed to enroll herself into two quarters worth of classes in her first quarter of college, for instance.” She exhaled a quiet chuckle. “Apparently she nearly came to blows with the administrator who told her she could not take that course load.”
“Yeah, that sounds like Carbon.” He’d seen her intensity first hand a few times. Factor in the energy of a teen - pending Tsla’o teens were at least somewhat like Humans - and how she was now ‘less’ hard on herself... Probably would have been a force to be reckoned with, even without the Empress sitting in the distance. “Speaking of her, did she fall in or something?”
He pushed himself up and looked over at the bathroom door, the little panel beside it unlit - no occupants.
“She is likely in Engineering.” Neya reached up and searched along the headboard for her phone, slipping it into her hand, the screen lighting up her pale fur. She squinted into it. “Ah yes, left just around 2:75. Aw, she put us in a group chat and hopes we slept well.”
Hearing time laid out like that did psychic damage to him after twenty-six years of hours only having sixty minutes. It made his brain feel weird, even though it was effectively the same as a quarter till. “Oh, is that a regular thing for her?” They had a group chat? He didn’t even know where either of his phones were.
“Somewhat. It happens primarily after meetings with Eleya and government functions.” Her phone screen shut off, plunging them back into darkness. “It is quiet at this time of night, and she finds performing work without interruption to be cathartic. She likes to be around the machines by herself, says they are complex in an understandable way.”
“So, notice how you’re the one explaining that to me? You two have a relationship that me and her don’t. Not yet. Not ever, actually. If we stick together for ten years, you’ll still have ten years on me.” Alex was a little surprised to find he was okay with that. It was sort of an immutable part of how time worked. “This might sound weird, but I like seeing that you care for her the same way I care for her. That we came together for her this afternoon. Our goals meshed instantly. And look, I make her happy for now, but I don’t know what she needs in a long term partner. Or even what a Tsla’o relationship looks like! I’m completely out of my element here, in general. I don’t know who I can trust other than her, and probably you. Even though you just tried to get me to fire you so you can dodge telling her about your feelings.”
“I’m sorry about that. It was... It was actually horrible of me.” She sounded surprised at that realization. “I did not think it through other than to avoid a difficult conversation I was more afraid of.”
“Well, accepted. This time. Don’t do it again.”
“You have my word.” The quiet sound of someone nodding with their face pressed into a pillow. “I suppose I will have to discuss this with Carbon now.”
“You will. I’m in your corner for this, I think. We can work on how your feelings affect our relationships, where ‘appropriate’ is in the face of all the changes that have happened.”
“You are?” Yet more surprised, and a little confused about it now.
“Yeah. Like I said, I think she’d choose you over me. We’ve only been a thing for a couple of months. I’d like to continue being a thing for some time. Beyond that, she needs you as a friend. Hell, I need you as a trustworthy source of how to do all this bonkers Tsla’o stuff I’m now expected to be a part of.” He sighed, annoyed at everything. There were probably dozens of places where this should have been turned around but here they were hashing it out at like five in the morning. “It is selfish of me, too. I can’t navigate all this on my own yet, and expecting Carbon to explain or do every single damn thing I don’t understand is... I couldn’t do that to her. Splitting it between the two of you isn’t great, but it’s less fucked.”
“Oh. Well. Thank you.” This had not eased her surprise at all, apparently. “Though, as your Zeshen, keeping you prepared for the tasks ahead of you is part of what I do.”
“Well then, how about a little less trying to get fired. All right?”
“Yes, that is something I will avoid.” She sighed, relief flooding her voice. “Thank you for this. I knew you would listen, at least, but I had not expected a response that was so introspective.”
Well. There were a couple of ways to take that. “How so?”
“Few people I have known enjoyed turning their thoughts inward, to consider how they interact with the world. Even myself.” She laughed, a strange mix of mirth and sadness. “But you do. You act very casual, though there is clearly a lot of thought going on inside.”
All right. Not just ‘human dumb,’ which he didn’t expect from Neya anyway. Filtering through everyone’s opinions after dinner had left him primed for more people being surprised he wasn’t a caveman. “Suppose so. I’m either thinking too much or not enough, there’s no in-between. Doesn’t work out so well sometimes.”
“Perhaps in time you will learn to think just enough?” She offered with a snicker. “But until then, the honor and kindness you show is a very effective buffer.”
“Eh. I’m just trying to do right by people.” The Tsla’o idea of offering an honorable path was mystifying. It was literally just not being an asshole right off the bat and maybe smoothing things over a little bit. Easiest damn thing in the world as far as he was concerned.
“No. You are kind, that is why you try to do right by people. It is very important now, and not a thing to be swept aside.” She reached out and delicately set her fingers on his hand. “That is why you let Carbon in. Why you saved Tashen before yourself. You even extend it to Eleya. I know what she did to you, and you still treat her with kindness.”
Some of the stuff he’s said to Eleya would not really fall into the category of kind, but... He was willing to help her, wasn’t he? Yes, it was for Carbon, but Eleya would still benefit. If she didn’t rest on her laurels. Alex hadn’t missed the venom in what Neya had said about her, either. The indication that his Zeshen disapproved of her invasive methods of fact-finding. “Did Carbon tell you about when she accidentally picked through my mind?”
The reply was curious, Neya unsure of where he was going. “No. She mentioned that something had happened, but had not gone into details.”
“So when I almost died on the ship.” Oh, damn. He could say that about two different ships now. “On the Kshlav’o, she wanted to check on me before she wasted the time hauling my crispy ass back into the sickbay. Make sure I still lived, as you all would describe it.”
The sharpness came off her voice, not quite her normal speaking tone now, but closer to it. More controlled. “That is understandable.”
“It is. Having me be brain dead but healed would have been pointless.” He had filled out a form with the CPP specifically stating his preference to not be kept alive in that state, as a matter of fact. That was for another conversation, probably one with lawyers. “She saw what was on my mind. The things that floated to the surface. Maybe her presence changed what I was recalling. I don’t know. I barely remember it happening, and that’s only because I get dreams about what was seen. Little snippets of the viewer's thoughts, too.”
“I have had dreams of memories from links. It is more common among Zeshen, though still rare.” Neya did nothing to hide her confusion about that, or where he was going with this. “I have found it useful.”
“She told me she had looked to see if I lived. But she didn’t include that she had taken the guided tour while she did, until I asked about a particular word she’d left behind. Szhaan, if I recall.” He’d have a hard time forgetting it and the raw sense of dread attached to it, let alone Carbon’s reaction to getting called out about ‘using someone else to fulfill your own needs’ by the one who’d been used. “She looked like she expected me to leap off the mediboard and attack her over it, despite having one functional limb at the time.”
Neya cursed softly, apparently having the reaction to that information that Carbon had initially expected.
“Did her damnedest to convince me that there’d been a big trespass there. She tried. I get that it’s a thing for the Tsla’o, but...” His previous explanation to his Engineer back on the ship was a bit verbose now, so he trimmed it back. “I didn’t feel it. It wasn’t bad. Nothing was lost. She didn’t seek out deeply personal things to blackmail me with. Carbon needed that connection, and it cost me literally nothing. As far as I’m concerned, all she did was listen.”
“It may be so. That is not what Eleya did...” A growl of disapproval. “If she were not protected by the throne, she would die in jail.”
“Yeah, I get that. I... I don’t expect I’ll ever forgive her for that trespass, particularly since I would have freely shown her everything she wanted to know.” He would gladly have never been stunned, or have gotten to live the experience of gouging someone’s eyes out, too. “And at the same time, I understand it. I am starting to understand how Eleya is backed into a corner, and her need for truth in that moment.”
“How can you?” Clearly mad that he wasn’t as mad about it.
Why wasn’t he as upset about it? He hadn’t been there for all of it, which was part of the equation. The rest had been under duress, yes, but he’d gotten a price paid from Eleya. “Have you ever had it done? Or done it to someone else?”
“No!” She was incredulous that he’d even ask. “That is not taught without heavy restriction. It is a gross violation of even the most basic morals, as well as laws.”
“Huh. Here’s the weird thing. You don’t just reach in and grab memories out. That’s not what Eleya did. I know this because I had a front row seat for the process.”
She replied with a strange combination of anger and intense interest. “That is... It makes sense. You could never be sure what you’d see. It would be chaos until the mind directed itself.”
“It’d be like what Carbon saw. Random memories. That didn’t matter to Eleya, though. She wanted specific memories. My history, my family, my relationship with Carbon. The truth of me. She had to bait my mind into thinking about the right stuff.”
“Bait?” Actual confusion there.
“She had to share her own feelings to coax my mind into recalling my own. There’s no hiding things in a link, right? You can’t fake things without it being obvious?” His understanding so far, at least.
“Correct. The essence of the thing would be wrong. It will feel false.”
“The reason I’m not mad - and don’t get it twisted, that doesn’t mean I like or trust her - is that Eleya ended up paying the price of admission. I woke up early so I got a secret, one she clearly hadn’t intended to give up.” He realized, far too late, that Eleya would probably consider this something he could blackmail her with. “So I know that she loves Carbon like a daughter, and that she’s afraid of what might happen to her, and how much regret she carries about what she’s done. So when Eleya says she’s doing things to attempt to fix that relationship, I believe her. When she tells me that she’s concerned the Empire might collapse, and if it does she wants me to haul Carbon off to request asylum with the Confed... I think that’s a thing she’s serious about.”
“That is... Unexpected, and interesting.”
“It is. So, She did wrong by me several times. I’m not going to forget them, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Like you said, she’s protected by the throne. I’m not even going to dwell on it. She claims we’re allies, but she’s the one with the firing squad. I think the worst thing I can do without putting my head on the chopping block is be an annoying little shit. Or walk away, but that will include walking out on Carbon and you.” He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “Do you think she knows how to bypass control lockout on a shuttle? Before everything was finalized she offered to ‘acquire’ one and take me back to Earth if I was having second thoughts.”
“On our systems? Without a doubt.” Neya slid over to him with a sharp little laugh, pulling him into a tight hug. “She loves you very much. More than I have seen her love anything. I have no doubt she would have commandeered this ship if it was required to help you.”