Epilogue

-- May, 2003

Stills-Young – “Long May You Run”

In my Senior year, I was able to get into a couple mid-tier colleges. I decided to put them off. On paper, I was taking a gap year before college to explore the west coast. But what I hadn’t told anyone yet was that I actually planned to move to California. My whole life was ahead of me. And there was still something to do about that.

All I needed to not be a failure, was to try.

A few days before I left, Kevin caught up with me after one of the Sunday dinners that had just recently been reinstated. He threw an arm around me. “If you’re in a jam out there and you need money, give me a call.”

I responded, “That’s about the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” He smiled and ruffled my hair, which if I’m being honest, I could have done without.

After graduation, I packed what few things I could call my own into Mom’s old Volvo. She had just bought a new one with Nannie’s inheritance.

I said goodbye to Jesse. “Take care of Mom. She needs it.” Jesse told me she would. She was freshly home from dieting school (Nannie’s inheritance again) and weighed 25 lbs. less. Mom couldn’t have been prouder of her. I was just happy that she was happy.

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I guess I was miffed that the rest of the Vanowens didn’t show up to see me off because I started bitching about them for old times’ sake. I thought that me hating my family was original, that no one had ever felt the way that I felt about those closest to me. Now I think it might be the oldest story. I knew that I would write about these people for the rest of my life. Though I doubted it would do anyone any good.

“I don’t suppose they’re much different than anyone else,” Mom said. “You have to just let them be themselves... to let them be in the pain they’ve chosen for themselves...” Even to the end, she spoke in Overeaters Anonymous truisms.

I knew we were getting close to the time I was supposed to leave. How could I tell her that I had to go away if only to come back as someone I could be proud of?

Maybe she already knew.

“All this talk about being somebody,” she said, “it’s really me you don’t want to end up like, isn’t it?” I tried to tell her that I didn’t care about any of that. But I knew she did, so I stayed quiet. Instead, I just hugged her.

Uncle Kevin was right. I was done looking back. But I wasn’t running away. For the first time in my life, I was running towards something. I thought I might even stop in and see Eddie on my way out of town.

I got in the driver’s seat. “Remember,” Mom said, “you can always come home.” I didn’t know why this felt like goodbye for good. I was leaving behind everything embarrassing that had ever happened to me. I didn’t see the years of hard times ahead of me, I just saw the possibility of it all.

As I tried to pull away, Mom stopped me one last time. “You know, if they lined up all the little boys in the world...” she began.

“I know, mom.” I said.

I know.