Chapter Twenty-Four
-- October, 2001
Blind Faith – “Can’t Find My Way Home”
By Junior year, Eddie and I were inseparable. On the rare weekends I got off from Agony-Bishop, Eddie was the first person I saw. We were misfits together; two hellraisers from the wrong side of the tracks. Unlike Dean, Eddie had no problem sleeping over at my house. In truth, my place was probably better than being around his parents any day. Not that he was the most welcome guest. Mom hated the cigarette smell he left on our couch. She was always glad when we left to make our 7-11 runs and she could Febreeze.
Once we returned, we would hotbox Eddie’s Honda Civic, staying in there for what seemed like hours, rewriting classic rock songs. We once changed the lyrics of “Rock the Casbah” to “Suck your Dad’s Cock,” chanting the chorus at the top of our lungs.
Oh, how we laughed!
Afterwards, we would head inside to watch “Golden Girls,” ironically. At least it started ironically, I think we really began to enjoy it by the end.
If we headed out after midnight to get even more high, we usually ended up doing some kind of light prankery, like the time Eddie shit at the bottom of that playground slide. It brought joy to our faces thinking of the kids who would have no choice but to slide through it the next day. Not to be outdone, when we came upon a pile of raked leaves, I decided it would be hilarious to put all the leaves back on the people’s lawn.
We almost cried trying to hold back our laughter.
I remember that time fondly, days where my face hurt from smiling too much. I didn’t put it together until much later, the idea that you could choose your own family. That it wasn’t who you were stuck with.
Unfortunately Janet had agreed to a family dinner at the Vanowens. In the car on the way over, Eddie kept trying to get out of it. He didn’t know why we even had to have the Vanowens in our lives. Mom made him promise to be on his best behavior.
When it came time to grab food though, Eddie made sure he was first. Lynn watched him pile a third of the available steak onto his plate. “Eddie, maybe take some and come back once you’ve finished it.”
“But it’ll be gone by then!” Eddie insisted. Without putting any back, he returned to the kitchen table.
“Lotta steak you got there, Edward...” Dean noted.
Eddie responded without missing a beat. “Lotta retard classes you’ve been in lately...”
The speed at which the burn hit him left Dean daunted. Before anyone else could speak, I pleaded, “Guys, don’t fight over me, there’s enough Taylor to go around!”
Dean tried to get his bearings back. He smiled, all of a sudden. “Did Eddie ever tell you what his nickname was in middle school?”
Eddie glared at his cousin, daring him to continue.
“No, what?” I asked, curious.
“They called him ‘Eddy-meddy.’ Cause of all the pills he had to take from the nurse...”
Eddie scowled, but said nothing.
“What pills?” I asked between bites, but Dean didn’t get a chance to answer because Uncle Kev had just sat down next to us.
“Dr. Big Head!” he exclaimed, clapping me on the back. Then, he noticed Eddie. “And Prince Edward, gracing us with his presence! So, Prince Eddie, what do you wanna be when you grow up?”
“I am grown.” Eddie said, returning to his mountain of steak.
Kevin saw that further conversation with Eddie was probably fruitless, so he moved on to me. “Okay Taylor, how about you?”
“I’ve told you a million times...”
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“Oh yeah, the movie thing. What does that mean? Hollywood?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Well, if that’s your thing then he should meet Todd Hyde. Don’t you think, Lynn?”
Lynn nodded, quietly chewing her food.
“Who’s he?” I asked.
Lynn swallowed. “My best friend from growing up. He’s a professional photographer.”
Kev continued. “He lives up in Boston. You should take the Chinatown bus up, maybe see some colleges too. It’s cheap, probably fifteen bucks.”
Dean grinned. “Isn’t he the guy who got the ear rub from Aunt Beth?”
“We don’t talk about that woman in this house.” Lynn blurted out before remembering the company she was in. She looked up at Eddie and blushed. “No, offense Eddie...”
“None taken, she hates you too.”
“Me?!” Lynn said, practically agog. “What did I ever do to her?!”
With their first two choices not in the mood to play, Lynn and Kev moved on to their favorite target: my mother. She was on her way back from filling her plate up again. “Seconds already?!” Lynn practically sang. “I thought you were on a diet?”
Janet sat down, bashfully. “It’s a cheat day...”
“A cheat day!” Uncle Kev roared and several of his children joined in, laughing at their Aunt. At this point Mom had no other recourse than to laugh with them. Because what was the alternative? To cry? I watched Janet put a fake, jovial smile on her face. But she couldn’t keep it there for long. She looked over at me, sadly, almost like she wanted me to do something.
“I don’t like how you bully my mother.” I blurted out, silencing the table.
“Bully?!” Lynn gawked. “You can’t bully family! Janet, tell him!”
“Actually Lynn, he’s right.”
“You think I bully you?!”
“You tease me. You think it’s fun. Well -- it’s not!”
“How was I supposed to know?! You’re always laughing when I do it!”
“It’s because you’re so goddamn funny, Lynn.”
“You know what,” Lynn said, picking her plate up. “I don’t need this. I can eat in the living room.” She stormed out.
When dinner was finally over, I quickly used the bathroom, wanting to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. On my way back though, I found Lynn and Mom in a darkened room having a heated discussion. I slowed down to hear the worst of it.
Lynn was yelling, “Oh, you know Mom liked you more! All the drama that was always going on around you and the other kids! The squeaky wheel always gets the grease--”
“That is not true!”
But Aunt Lynn was on too much of a tear. “I am so tired! I am so tired of being the only person holding this family together! It’s exhausting!”
“Is that what you think, Lynn?! Because let me tell you, I don’t need your help! I am not your pet project!”
“I never said that!”
“No, but somewhere along the line after you popped out a few kids, I became your hobby. Was it not going back to work? Did you need help filling the hours of the day?”
“I just... worry about you, that’s all.”
“Well, you’ve got a funny way of showing it!” Mom turned her back on her little sister.
My Aunt tried to find the right words. “Look, Bill hates my guts and Nick was a druggie...”
“A druggie?! Lynn, how uncool are you?”
“Well, I don’t know what you call it! You were the only one that could put up with me...”
Janet softened somewhat as Lynn continued. “I don’t know why everything I say comes out wrong, but I want you to know that I respect you. I could never raise kids without a husband...”
Mom slowly turned back around. “I know you’re trying to compliment me, so I’ll take it...” I sensed the conversation was waning to a close, so I headed back to the kitchen.
Uncle Kev was waiting there to lead me away. “They always make up. It’s best to just let them exhaust themselves,” he said.
Together, we waited by the front door. Eddie had already walked out without saying goodbye and was by now warmly ensconced in my mother’s Volvo. Kev and I stood there, awkwardly waiting for my mother show up.
“So why Hollywood?” he asked.
“It’s the other side of the country.”
“Do you really want to get away from us that badly?”
I was silent for a few seconds as I thought up a response. “I want to be excited about life. I look at the people around me and they’re anything but...” I shrugged. “I just don’t want to end up like that.”
“Ah, I see... you want to be big and famous, huh?”
“No, that sounds like a nightmare. But I do want what I write to matter to people.” I tried to be more concise than that, but only ended up shaking my head. “Life’s not worth living if people don’t remember you.”
The look Uncle Kevin gave me was so sad, so pitying, that I felt like a fool. He looked out the front door at Eddie and motioned. “That’s the same kind of thinking Bill had. He had the arrogance to think that the entire world was against him, when in reality, the world doesn’t give a shit about you.”
When Mom finally emerged from her talk with Lynn, I saw her wipe a tear away. She grabbed our coats and thanked Kev for dinner.
Once we were in the car, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Eddie’s right,” I said, “we don’t need them anymore!”
Janet stared at me in the rearview mirror. “Taylor, no matter what you think, no one ever makes it on their own.”
“So, you’re just gonna keep on letting them treat you like that?”
“It’s how they express affection...”
“It’s how they express affection?!” I repeated, incredulously. “So, when he’s constantly needling me--" I began.
Janet nodded. “He’s really saying--”
“Oh my god...” I trailed off, finishing the thought. “Uncle Kev loves me!”
We looked at each other for barely a moment before our laughter shook the car.