A Very Serious Chapter (You know it’s important because there is no pun in the title of the chapter, meaning this chapter is actually important while every previous chapter was actually just an elaborate joke leading up to this actually important chapter)
“Man, Queen, this is really odd.”
“Is it, you bumbling, blundering buffoon? You absolute ape? Incessant…”
“Yup, its super weird. It feels like I haven’t been doing anything for nearly a week.”
Indeed, things felt odd. Oddly odd enough to be perceived as an odd oddity. For nearly a week I had been doing nothing, which is honestly not too much of a difference compared to my usual activities. Not once in the past seven or so days had I sat around doing not much of anything except asking loaded questions without clear answers or pretending to create a larger hive of bees.
“Maybe I should sit in the tree trunk and ask questions that lead nowhere until one of the bees rushes in to shout about something happening, which then interrupts my questions and prevents me from coming to any actual conclusions for the foreseeable future. That might cheer me up!”
“You doddering oaf! The tree trunk isn’t even a thing anymore! Are you telling me there has been so little in the way of description that you have already forgotten we live in an actual hive now?”
“Hey your voice sounds funny Queen… I wonder what that’s about…”
“Mother,” Beatrice interrupted, “The eighty meter tall ostrich is still standing menacingly outside the hive. What shall we do about it? I hope you haven’t been spending your time with inconsequential introspection again.”
“Ah, Beatrice, of course not. Something as spooky as a gigantic bird is obviously an enemy so why hasn’t Bedivere killed it yet?”
“Bedivere is dead.”
Now that was a shocker. Get it? Shocker? Because of those electric crystals which haven’t been mentioned in a while?
All joking aside, this was incredibly devastating and perhaps one of the saddest things I had ever heard, so I decided not to react very much.
“And how exactly did that happen? I thought Bedivere was super strong?”
“Indeed, he was, but he was no match for the sheer devastation of being sad. He was apparently so upset by your decision to be temporarily mad at him for performing dangerous experiments on unborn bees, that he jumped into the ostrich’s mouth. We have not been able to commune with him over the Link at all.”
That wasn’t good, much like most things that happened to me in this second life. Despite my newfound power of the B-box system, which nobody in this world had been able to do for a reason I would probably not find out for a long time for reasons, I wasn’t able to hear Bedivere through the Link either.
It reminded me of Vulch. The Vulch. Man I was a creative namer.
“What do we do Momaloradingalingaridogeriidoobalomamaringadingadoo?”
“Don’t worry Ben, I’ll think of something.”
I promised so much. The entire hive, including all the bees I hadn’t named for logistical reasons and totally not because having that many named characters so quickly would be impossible, looked at me with hope filled eyes. I was basically a god for them. I had to do something.
If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
However, I first had to sit in the hive and do nothing while ‘formulating a plan.’
________
Several vague and convenient days passed. Thankfully, that gave me the time to think of a plan without actually talking to myself about it, which saved a lot of time.
Now, some might suggest that I should create a huge amount of warrior bees to swarm and easily kill the ostrich. Bees were stronger in numbers, as I had thought sometimes. However, I had a better idea.
To not do that, and instead ignore the fact that I could create fully sentient beings in the span of a couple days with little to no effort whatsoever. Indeed, I could instead develop an elaborate and devastating plan with loose logical connective tissue to wear the ostrich down. That way, I could create a more narratively convenient scenario that stood up to mild scrutiny unless inspected with devastating detail.
So, I opted for a battle of attrition.
The warriors of the hive would quickly zip outside and sting the ostritch, avoiding its previously mentioned sonic shriek attacks and Mind ice magic before quickly returning to the hive. Over time, the venom of the bees would slowly kill the ostrich, and we would suffer no casualties.
“I must say Mother, this dubious plan which I blindly endorsed actually turned out wuite well. It is a true miracle that the ostrich has, for whatever reason, not simply destroyed the hive.”
“Ah, Beatrice, don’t you remember the Food Storage Lock? All I did was use my incredibly convenient psychic powers to make that protect the entire hive.”
“How brilliant! As expected of you Mother-sama, you truly are some kind of being that is supreme.”
The best part of this plan was that it was impossible to lose. I could safely ignore the fact that venom coming from a creature the size of the ostrich’s skin cells would hardly ever be capable of downing a creature of that size thanks to Mind magic, and even better, the ostritch would eventually starve.
For some unknowable and probably important reason, the ostrich refused to move from its spot. There it stood, unmoving. Which meant it would eventually starve to death anyways. Thankfully we had piles and piles of meat that had been laying around for what, like a month? The simple explanation of salt and slight cooking of some of the forest animals meant that they would nevber spoil, since that was how meat works.
Even better, the vulture meat, which had no explanation for how it hadn’t just rotten completely, was still perfectly fresh as well. Since this was clearly a fantasy world of some kind, it obviously meant that in this world, meat didn’t spoil as easily. I was so glad there were so many simple and easy explanations for seemingly impossible phenomena.
“Mama, when can I get a pov? Everyone has gotten one; even Beck, and Beck only talks with words when you’re not the one listening for some reason!”
I felt bad for Bella, but this was just the way thing were. She was the silly gathering bee who liked to cook; who wanted to hear the perspective of that sort of thing?
Besides all of this off topic rambling, the ostrich was still out there. Despite our genious military tactics, the thig had still not died.
“Nah fuck you guys. I wasn’t even doing anything and you’re like stinging me and shit.”
Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head. Was this… the ostrich?!
My head was reeling. Who could have expected something like this? Not me, no sir. Sure this had happened to me before and I even briefly thought of the consequences before ordering the attacks, but there was nho way I actually thought that would happen!
What, was I supposed to like, use my previous experiences and knowledge to inform my decisions going foward? What sort of stupid process would that be?!
“Man even this one big dude just ran at me saying stuff like ‘Have at thee!’ and ‘I’mma knioght so I’m noble and stuff!’ Then the dude just flew into my damn mouth. What a dick. Anyways, I’m leaving. Later buttheads.”
No! I wouldn’t… couldn’t let this happen! Bedivere, my brave and valiant knight, was still stuck inside this stupid ostrich’s gullet. I drew I every ounce of concentration I had, pulling on every fiber of my Mind.
I thought bck to my friends. My family. My collection of pens. And I released my power in a wave of psychich energy.
And also I totally force choked the overgrown chicken.
[Tapped Mind: 90 something% / however much is left I don’t feel like looking at the notes right now%]
I felt an extraordinary sense of deja vu overcome me as the ostrich paused, then the Rich instantly imploded into blood and feathers, a echo of a final echoing whisper echoing through my head: “Aw sheet that shit hurted…”
The threat was finally gone. All the painstaking steps I had taken, easily resolved with nothing more than some concentration and vomiting. But that wasn’t important right now.
“Bedivere!”
There in the mess of gore, sat a groaning form of Bedivere. The whole hive rushed out to stare at him in awe.
“Mother… you saved me. Why?”
“Mmm. Monkey.”
“What? Actually, wait, this does not make any sense. Weren’t you trapped in a memory thing or something like that? Actually wait, I technically don’t know about any of that do I.”
He was right. I had taken the joke too far, and now I was actually a narrator instead of Enno the bee person. Narrating a self-referential chapter about some silly aspects of a self-explanatory story on the first day of a month which for some reason had become associated with jokes, worried that anyone who reads this chapter will begin to actually think about the things I mentioned and begin to be more critical of a story I randomly decided to tell in my free time for no other reason than to do something other than play video games or actually do my programming homework.
Bees.