Complacency is death on the battlefield, and I've had too many friends die from it. Be aware, for the lulls in combat simply mean you are in the eye of the storm, not that it's finished. Assume your enemies are lying in wait for you to make one false move. Paranoia, as long as it isn't directed to friendlies saves lives. You have to trust your team. You are not a god. You are not doomslayer. You are not in a video game in which multiple bullets to the head from an AK doesn't kill. One tiny pistol bullet can kill you, as long as it hits the right places. Rely on your team like your life depends on it. Because it sure as fuck does.

- Anonymous soldier fighting on the Frontline of the third world war.

Pov: Alpha.

If an Empowered mega mosquito met a high explosive incendiary round via collision to the head, what happens? I'll tell you: a very dead mega mosquito. I contemplated using nukes, but, a mega mosquito must be dealt with a mega fly swatter. Unfortunately, I don't have taser rounds, but flames will do. I have no clue who I angered, but it must be someone important sending a fuck ton of enemies at me, but I'll take it. Blood for the... humans. Skulls for the... British nation. I quickly went over a bunch of major war crimes in my head. It was time to have some fun. (Doom music intensifies)

Okay... rape. I can't do that. Child soldiers, I'm not that crazy. Kill civies... destroy infrastructure... ahh fuck I'm just going to tick them off as I go along.

Make people suffer before they die... I run over someone's half torso, but made sure they didn't instantly die. Check. That village in the distance... I activated one of my nuclear machine guns and shot one round towards the village. 5 war crimes! Use of nuclear weapons against non military targets, check! Destroy a village with the knowledge it isn't a military target, checka doodle doo! Kill civies, check! Destroy civie infrastructure, check! Launch an attack with the intention to kill civies, ah check! Oh look, a soldier is surrendering! I hope you don't need that head of yours. Kill surrendering soldiers, check! OK... "Hey, listen up, if you want to live, come to my side and attack those you swore to defend. Or I will kill every last one of you here." My speakers boomed. Some soldiers started attacking former teammates. Force a people to fight for the invading army, check!

Then a funny fun with a golden aura appeared. "I say halt there demon, for I w-" he did not get to finish as I blasted his ass with a few dozen mini nukes. Overkill is not a word in my vocabulary. Needless to say, he is now one with the world, atoms freely floating around. Maybe being a murderhobo ain't bad at all. Especially with the war crimes. Is that a field hospital I see? Not any fucking more! Ooh another war crime? Why, I couldn't! Intentionally destroy a hospital installation, which is a non military target. I can count that, as injured soldiers ain't fighting me, and the healers are non combatants.

Huh... here's a funny one. "I declare no mercy, no quarter for those that oppose me. A swift death is the best that you could hope for!" I exclaimed, knowing it was another war crime. Declaring no mercy will be given? Yessir that's a me a war criminal o! Pew! Nuclear bomb for you, pew! One for you too! Oh I'm sorry, are you feeling left out? Another one! Deck the halls with gore and the slaughtered. Of course I wasn't going to give anyone a fair trial. Scratch that, no one's getting a trial! Only death.

After what felt like only seconds, which was probably hours, the battlefield fell silent. As I turned on my Geiger counter I saw why. Over 3 times the amount of radiation than the amount found on the roof of the chernobyl power plant. Enough to kill a human in less than a minute. Luckily, I was shielded from my own nuclear strikes. If I wasn't, most likely all the fine wires and micro engineering would completely and utterly fail as radiation does not discriminate. Organic, inorganic, dead, living. And it would stay like this for over 100 years, and the dumb fuckwads will keep sending people in to check. Check on what exactly? Dust? Death incarnate?

I mentally sighed. Time get scolded or applauded by a very unique, to say the least, god.

Enemies killed:

A fuck-ton. Unless you specially request that list it aint coming. Too many variations and troops. You might get an impromptu lobotomy if you see.

Exp earned: 2,350,764.

Level up to 50.

Error. Cap is exceeded by 5 times.

Level up to 100.

Did I just break the system? Already?

Achievement unlocked: Breaker: cause a system error. Reward: Ğłįþčhęđ token. Wow. Didn't expect that. Luckily I withheld my troops. Wait. You broke the system? This just gets more and more exciting!

Achievement unlocked: pisser offer grade 1.

Somehow get one god to hate you. Reward: common invulnerability token. Only one is not even am understatement. It's like calling a railgun a glorified crossbow. Sure, most modern ones rip themselves apart with one shot, but that one shot could mean the difference between who has the hole in their body.

Achievement unlocked: divine pisser offer grade 2. Get 5 gods to hate you. Reward: Uncommon invulnerability token. Well well well. If it isn't mister 'I make my enemies one with the wind.'

Achievement unlocked: How the figgity fuck are you alive? Piss off 25 gods. Reward: rare invulnerability token. I think I might pretend to hate you so you get the legendary one. Yup I'm doing that.

Achievement unlocked: Gods fucked around. Now they found out. Anger a whopping 50 gods. Reward: epic invulnerability token. This shit is fucking hilarious! I look around and everyone seems to be screaming and shouting at the seer screen.

Achievement unlocked: How to anger a pantheon of gods for dummies. Yup. You've done it. You've pissed of all the gods. All of them. Second person to do it. Reward: legendary invulnerability token, system approval stamp grade 2. Now. If you use the legendary, you're essentially immortal and invulnerable for a few days. Just brilliant.

This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Well. That means... moar war crimes! Oh goody!

Achievment unlocked: the slayer of champions. Kill 1 champion from a rival god. Reward: Common divine smite token. I wonder... does that mean I can just kill all the gods and take over? Nahhh too much responsibility. Divine smite basically allows you to deal a certain amount of damage to a god, essentially a god slayer token.

Achievment unlocked: Champion? More like Hampion! Kill 5 rival champions. Reward: Uncommon divine smite token. Now we're talking! I would say you've killed all the gods troops, but they seem to be chucking people into the radiation without ppe. Really smart huh?

Achievement unlocked: Champions be gone, the new detergent: kill 25 rival champions. Reward: rare divine smite token.

At this point you should just skip the shit and get the rewards.

No thank you, this is too precious to pass up!

Achievement unlocked: butter butter, champion cutter: kill 100 rival champions. Reward: epic divine smite token.

Error. Legendary smite token is not available. Yes, fuck you alpha, I aint letting you get that shit, you can kill the system with that. So bugger off.

Oh fuck you bitch. Now I have a reason to smite your ass.

Achievement unlocked. Genocide is my favourite side! Kill of an entire species. Reward: Title, I have no life. SSS skill token.

God fucking damn. I wonder what shit that'll getcha.

Achievement unlocked: hated. Be hated by an entire country. Award: universal evolution token. I Made this achievement just so you can evolve! Don't worry bout that quest. That shit advances per evolution. You broke the system twice now.

Achievement unlocked: infamy is my game, collateral damage is my name! Kill 250 innocents. Reward: Title: Genocide enthusiast. Who's a cold blooded murderer? You are! Oh yesh you are!

Achievement unlocked: Wasteful bitch: kill people and destroy their loot. Fucking bitch. That's why you have no friends. Damn. System is harsh as fuck.

Shut system. I aint the one cheating others out of their rightful rewards. Your brain is smaller than a god damned amoeba bitch. Go shove ungodly things up your ass fucker!

Pov: George Whistler.

As I run out of the prison, wind wrapping around all three of my legs, I felt free. Then a few shouts came from behind me. I had to fight. I wrapped my hand around my 'sword' and turned to face the enemies.

"What... what the fuck? Are you planning to fight us with your dick?" A very surprised guard exclaimed. Yes. Yes I was going to nun chuck his ass with a dick and balls. They aren't ready.

I charged, dick in hands (Truly an innuendo of all time) at the gaggle of 3 men. I never thought I'd think those words. But here I am. One thrust his spear, and I dodged, jumped, then hit his shaft with my shaft. The wood snapped in two as my dick sliced through it like a hot appendage through water. Then I slapped his face with my sausage, cleaving it two, blood, bone, cartilage and brain spraying everywhere like a twisted milkshake, the two other men looking in horror as I sprinted towards them (That is why you should shower. Your B.O might become so bad your dick becomes a weapon of mass destruction to rival nukes). Those poor bastards didn't know.

As I rushed forward, about to dick two men, (No, I am not keeping a straight face while writing this. I'm laughing like a madman, the true mad max was the weird ass rr books we read along the way.) one of the two tried whipping out his own. It was pathetic, as I planted a kick to his nuts which sent him keeling over in exasperation, as my superior member sliced through his, before slicing him in half, my noodle ripping apart his intestines.

The final guard raised his sword and charged, and I did the same. Luckily, with all the erratic moments I had been making, I exploded in his face, blinding him with a liquid that was not milk or glue, but had the consistency of both.

"What the fuck? You came on my face?" The guard hollered, disgusted by the liquid ropes dripping off him. It was the last thing he would ever say. I darted forward, Johnson in hand like a was wielding Excalibur, my righteous fury slicing his hand off, bones popping, before my final thrust went deep inside him, him taking the entire length. (Not like that! Very violently!) I then swiped up, cutting his heart in two. You could say he was heartbroken by me.

I rushed forward, my Wang violating the clay wall in front of me, cutting a way to escape, my banger and two beans flapping majestically in the air, like an eagle, wind rippling, as I realised I was a knight in no under armour. Bandits beware, the naked scare is cuming for you! (Anyway your what the fuck bone has been toggled hopefully. Here's a status sheet for our slightly sexual in nature fighting style of a friend.)

I decided to pull out my status sheet, the second thing I pulled out today.

Status...

Species: human.

Name: George Whistler.

Level: 23

Class: The cocker doodle doo avenger. (Locked class)

Evolutions: 2.

Traits: 6/8

Organic: You do not suffer from rust, or other material related brights.

Cock of infinite recovery: If you break your little friend while fighting, a goods night's sleep regenerates it.

Cock of steel: if you have the skill Hard as a brick, it is instantly modified to break anything less hard or equal to the hardness of steel. All variants count

Cock of giants: grow and shrink your Cock as much as you want. Do be warned, a Cock too big will end up with you toppled over, and if a giant Cock gets hard, you will die from blood loss. Too small,and your Cock will start going the other way, stretching out of your ass to the heavens to slap a few gods.

Cock of glory: when not attacking, all hostile enemies are struck by the awe of your cock, freezing males in place for 30 seconds and females one minute. There is a chance people struck with this trait will want to fight under the sheets to make someone's brother or sister. Anyone who has no knowledge of anything sexual with be inflicted with (S Grade) trauma, making them shrivel up in fear if they see another cock.

Indomitable human cock: any non human race is more likely to fall for you if you have your cock out in the open, and you resist mind - altering spells or traits if you have a hard cock.

Skills: 5/8

Hard as a brick (+): normally an inherited skill, can be activated by any grade of tokens. Have you ever wanted to pull out your little leg in the middle of a fight and massacre some fuckers with it? If you have this skill you probably do. Normally, this skill makes your erect stick as hard as a brick, and can destroy anything as hard as or less hard than one. The plus means it's the same but with steel. Who the fuck needs steel swords if you have a very fleshy sword with the same hardness?

Bloody hell! (A tier) Have an infinite number of blood in your body. Bleeding damage does nothing to you. Look at you, using a skill for a not very intended purpose. Blood magic and vampire food was meant to pick this.

Balls of steel (B tier) You can make your balls as hard as steel or anything between it and nothing, for 4 hours a day. So you have balls if steel coming back huh? Yup. Now die to my ping pong balls!

Swordmanship (d tier) Have the ability to perform slightly above average with a sword. You're lucky you have something that counts as a sword.

Charismatic (C tier) You can talk people that don't hate you out of attacking if you had no hostilities towards them so far, as long as they are below (currently 4rd) evolution stages, not inclusive. You didn't use that last fight. I guess you could say those that stand against you will be boned. Quite literally.

Pov: ???

"Mam, I'm sorry to report, but it seems your husband was killed by a runaway prisoner with a skill that involves turning one's privates into something to rival a sword. All witnesses say a half naked man slapping people with his appendage and the guards dying." A guard said to the crying woman, now laughing.

"What the fuck did you just say?"