Months ago
It was almost noon and he was still waiting for his lunch to be delivered. He hasn’t had a Big Mac in almost a whole day; How was he supposed to work like this? He heard the jingle in the background, “eight-hundred five eight eight two three hundred, Empire! Call today…” He picked up the empty Diet Coke can and set it at the edge of his desk for whoever to take it to the trash.
Orangeskull was not a patient man. He didn’t have time for all this bullshit. He picked up the desk phone and found there was a person on the line already talking.
“I don’t know why he isn’t picking up!” A woman shouted on the other side of the line.
“Uh. Hello? I don’t know who it is that you are calling, but this is the president. I want to know about lunch, it’s running late and I don’t know how I am expected to…”
“Mister president?” The woman asked.
“This is the president, yes. Is my lunch here yet?” He replied.
“Sir. There has been an attack in the western United States sir,” He heard but didn’t register, just as the TV cut to a live broadcast.
“Ssh! There’s an emergency broadcast coming on,” He said into the phone and the woman went quiet.
“We have confirmed that an attack has been carried out by unknown forces and it has devastated the electrical systems of the entire western seaboard. News is coming in slowly as the attack has also, somehow knocked out the electrical systems of nearly all remote devices as well. Multiple sources say that entire reactor systems have been rendered completely useless,” The reporter continued.
“Holy shit,” He said into the empty room. The telephone dropped from his grip and fell to the carpet.
“Mister president?” The receiver echoed from the floor as the room went black.
His eyes fluttered open as he awoke on the ground some time later. His gaze scanned the room and found that everything was exactly the same as he had left it, except for the TV. Someone turned the TV off. He got up and went back to his seat. He probably hit the remote on the way down, of course. Did they hear him fall and just not notice him on the ground there.
He went into the bathroom and fixed his mask, the latex orange symbol that his entire brand is built on. He had smooshed up the right side, where his pasty pale white skin showed through. Orangeskull went into his fix kit and started retouching the adhesive and moving onto the touchup makeup that smoothes out the edges between the mask and his skin. His pants were wet and cold. He’d have to change his Depends before he did any press conferences.
After thirty minutes or so, he walked from the bathroom, the picture of health and strength, now. He needed to get everyone on track with this whole catastrophe thing.
Walking back into the oval office he picked up the backup remote on the candy table and switched on the news.
“Hours ago Vice President Mayonnaise Mike spoke on behalf of the president who is currently indisposed with various duties of state and reassured the nation that there are already supplies coming in from the unaffected neighboring states,” The newscaster stated.
“What‽ Get him on the phone! Get him on the phone now!” He screamed and launched the remote across the room, striking a bronze bust, hurling out the batteries from the device as it struck. He dashed to his desk and picked up the phone, dropping it, then fumbling around for it on the floor before grasping it in hand screaming “Fuck you whore phone, Mike you pasty Bible thumping media hog! Who the fuck told him to,” Cutting himself off with a rage induced scream kicking the table.
There was a knock at the door.
A young woman made a crack and peeked her head in.
“Mister president?” She asked.
“Who told him to go on?” He screamed, throwing another of the spare television remotes into the screen.
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“I’m not sure sir. No one could find you Mr. President. Have you been in here the whole time?” She asked.
“The whole time? How long have you all been looking for me?” He continued shouting, then started to gather up papers at random on his desk before hitting his Diet Coke button on reflex, he started looking all over the place at random before finally looking at the woman standing silently in the room then out the window seeing it is dark outside.
“Is my lunch here yet?” He finally, shyly asked.
“I think so sir? Would you,” She began, making a face at the clear absurdity of his question in the light of the situation at hand. “Would you like me to have it brought in?”
“Well, it’s not exactly going to walk itself in,” The president said, giving her a face that equalled hers.
“Yes sir. I’ll just go and,” She began while walking to the door and then out of the room.
“And have them bring me a fresh coke! It’s like no one is even working around here! I have pushed my button five times and there isn’t a single goddamn coke walking through that door yet!” He shouted at the empty room.
Picking up his phone and checking the messages is his very next action, followed by collecting the remote and turning up the TV so he could hear what the hell was going on.
He sent Mayo a text:
Who the duck told you it was okae to go on th news and handle this attak areyou out of your fucking mind?
The door opened as the assistant brought in a bag of McDonald’s food and a can of Diet Coke. The president just waved him over and took the bag, then waved him away without saying a word.
As he was unpacking his lunch, which was cold, his phone rang. He saw it was Mayo and accepted the call.
“You mother fucker. Did you tell them to leave me on the floor while you did your little press conference?”
“No sir. No, I did not. I asked your staff to find you while I was on the way to the situation room to assess the damage from the attack and once we had the reports, we needed to make a statement sir. If you were not alerted, I believe it is one of your staff who had failed,” Mayo replied.
“You are my vice president, you should have come here to find me yourself. You are my number two guy, you know that and that means you back me up, you don’t take my place. Do you understand me?”
“Yes sir. I do indeed hear you. Would you like me to catch you up on everything that has been going on?” The man asked, in a calm flat tone.
“What do you think?”
“I think your dumb ass should go back to bed,” Mike thought, but the man said, “Sir there has been a devastating attack of unknown origin in Nevada. Everything that depends on electricity is no longer usable. Nothing. We are getting reports of thousands dying from planes falling from the sky, the elderly are dying of the heat as all air conditioning units are unusable, breathing machines, cars, ambulances. Sir, nothing is working in Nevada, California, Arizona, Oregon and New Mexico, there are massive outages in Colorado and Utah as well. We are also getting reports of the same happening in parts of Mexico just over the border,” Mike reported.
Orangeskull was eating during the report and only heard part of what was being said.
“So Mexico did it?” He asked his vice president.
“No sir. We are getting reports there is the same damage in parts of Mexico,” Mayo corrected.
“Okay. So what are the states doing to fix everything?” Orangeskull asked.
“We aren’t sure sir, we are working with second hand information. We cannot fly in supplies until we know the attack is over. Driving supplies in is also difficult, for the same reason. There were ships in port all over California that are now completely useless as well, they are blocking any supplies we could ship in, if we know that the attack is over,”
“What are you telling me, Mayo?” The president asked in an exasperated huff.
“Sir, we can’t find out anything until we can get help into the areas, we can’t get help in until we know that it is safe to do so. The calls coming from outside the affected areas are slow going. We are working on it,” The vice president informed him.
“Fine, fine, fine. I got it, I’m going to have a press conference set up within the hour. I need you to fill in the press secretary and I want her to give me the notes,” Orangeskull ordered and hung up.
“Never a moment's peace. This is the hardest job I’ve ever had and does anyone appreciate me? No. Of course not. They just leave me on the fucking floor and hog all the glory for themselves!” He shouted and threw his cold limp hamburger across the room and onto a wall, leaving sauce and ketchup smeared there.
He opened his social media account and started to create a post:
The horrific attack in NEVADA today is nothing short of demonic. This is an act of war that will be dealt with decisively and swiftly.
He posted the tweet and set his phone down. His lunch was ruined. He opened his Diet Coke after wiping down the top with his sanitary wet wipes and took a long drink of the soda. He went into his drawer and brought out his mirror and razor. He then took his vial of cocaine and tapped out a generous serving of the white powder upon the mirror and cut it up with the razor, setting up several lines. He deserved a little pick me up, it’s been a hard day afterall, and he still has a press release to get ready for, he will need the energy.