A Friend Indeed

There’s only been a couple of days since I’ve written this time, and some interesting things have happened. Well, two things. Both technically occurred on the first of the two and it was doubly cool to get to experience all of it firsthand. To get into it, Alana had me stay the night with her so she could keep a better eye on me. Her reasoning for letting me spend my first night alone being that she didn’t think I would heal so slowly with the poultice until she asked about Max’s Terru Arch. I told her that he’d mentioned light, so she surmised that he was the ‘Sunny Rain’ to my ‘Stormy Night’, which made a lot of sense when I compare and contrasted myself to him. However, that wasn’t important and that particular conversation happened on our way home from work. When we got back home, Alana took off toward her place and I went to mine to grab a couple of things for the night and ended up hurting myself by walking into a doorknob. Don’t ask, just know that it hit me higher than a normal one would have since Thesuvia was home to Dianite after Diancie. Shit was not cash at all and made my feelings hurt, so I went over to Alana’s with a little irritation on the brain, especially since I knew she wasn’t going to wear one of her shorty-short-skirts while I was over since she knew I was going to come.

While I walked over, I cast a little somnerre that I’d been working on with my guitar by using my wand as my pick. It was a calm, haunting melody that made me smell like cinnamon and chocolate to myself. That was the intended purpose of the spell and I only had to use it once since I was supposed to be able to smell it all the time now, so when I walked up to Alana’s door and knocked, there may or may not have been a slight, smell-good based bounce to my step. I knocked twice, walked in, and heard familiar music that I hadn’t expected to hear anywhere on Septural. It was a reimagining to be sure, but Frank Sinatra’s Something Stupid was playing as surely as the sun rose and I found myself singing along for the sake of enjoying a good song. Alana was nowhere to be seen while I sang and waltzed around the ‘loudbox’, which was just a glorified speaker that always had a lo-fi popping to its sound. I guess it was Hi-fidelity in Septural, but whatevs. I loved it for the sound and ambiance and it was definitely the closest thing to listening to vinyl that I had art the moment. When the song finished and led into something I’d never heard before by a different artist, I had to check out the loudbox and saw that when I stopped it, there was an RF, which was a runner-flat. They’re kinda like CD’, but straight, double-sided, and made of something weird and matte. It’s how the shop-guy explained it to me and he was a River Man. The RF in the slot that looked different from the others that I’d seen or had in my collection, but I didn't want to get my sebum on it, which is just skin-oil, you papery fuck. I closed the box back up and let it play some more.

When I rose from checking out the thing on the inn table, Alana was coming from the hall down to the master bedroom, a big smile on her face along with a house coat that I thought was fetching. From the expanse of wonderfully smooth, mostly bare skin that I saw, I guessed that she was either wearing shorts or one of her miniskirts, so my hopes were high that I’d get a peek of something round and squeezable. Granted, I’d yet to ask Allie if I could cop a feel or just go ahead and do it, but it wasn’t on the mind at the moment. Looking was enough with her, especially since I wasn’t just attracted to her for her looks. Even as she quickly closed the distance between us, I couldn’t help but appreciated the vivid, emerald-esque quality of her eyes, the white-opal quality of her skin. Her fashion sense also suited her perfectly, especially with the house coat and low-cut top she was wearing. For being seven feet and two inches tall, the woman had a lot of grace and style about her. The dark, wine-like red she usually stained her lips with perfectly accented her eyes and skin tone while her eye-liner just made those impossibly deep, adumbral lakes of forest green stand out even more. That wasn’t even mentioning that her eye-shadow matched her lip-stain (Septurns don’t use lipstick or wet stuff in general. Learned from Stellara.) with near perfect precision, nor did it hurt that her slippers matched her housecoat with aplomb. The blue leather shoes looked pretty comfy, but the knit coat looked warm and cozy. I kinda wanted it for the times I spent alone so I could cuddle it when Alana wasn’t nearby.

Just looking at the woman made my heart want to leap out of my chest, my face heating up as she drew near. It was like everything else there just faded out of existence and she just stood there, smiling at me with true, real, absolutely genuine love in her eyes. We hadn’t said it to each other yet and it could wait a while longer, but I felt… Stellara was…

Shit, Booksy, how do I put this? I guess you could say I dropped out of the moment and just came to the conclusion that I was madly in love with Alana, and it wasn’t ‘Love on Look’ like Stellara had claimed with me. No, it was… It was different. Alana thought I was handsome because she thought I was handsome. There was no extra impetus for her to like me, no threat of pain or rebuke if she didn’t. She didn’t need to like me to be content with her life. Allie was just a woman in the world that had been looking for someone to spend her life with and she thought I was cute. She saw me and she chatted me up. She had a crush. She wanted to start something. The woman in front of me wanted to know more about me and why I was the way I was, what had happened to make me ‘Gatian’. She also wasn’t a cold-blooded murderer or my legal property. I had to say that I honestly fell for Alana because of who and what she was; not because she’d been handpicked for me. Not because she was drop-dead sexy with a familiar face or complexion close to mine. Not because she looked like my cunt of an ex-wife that I still had feelings for. We weren’t being forced together by anyone.

For the first time in my entire goddamn fucking pathetic life, I loved a woman because I liked her…

Yeah, that was as depressing as I thought it’d be, but it also meant that I was growing as a person. I mean, if I had enough self-respect to only be with someone because they treated me right and I liked them, then the sky was the limit. I took the tunnel-vision as Gage’s last gift to the Gauner name. My last hurrah before I shot the last piece of me I needed to kill so I could live. The world started coming back to me and I could feel it coming. My eyes were heating up, my lips were starting to quiver, and time was rolling as it should have been, meaning that Allie was surprised to see me nearly breaking down in tears for next to no reason. I couldn't tell her that I was about to cry because I was happy that I died. I didn’t feel the need to say anything about how I kept walking into bad relationships one right after another until I’d found her. There was no purpose in explaining that she and her kindness, her truth and her veracity, had touched me in so many ways over the past quarter of a year.

Instead of trying to talk about any of that, I stood on my tiptoes, cupped her cheeks with my hands and felt her slender, delicate jawline. Appreciated the extra collagen in her lips. Saw the beauty in the woman in front of me. Thought of the kindness and compassion that lay below the surface. I kissed Alana gently, but without hesitation. My cheeks were wet and my lips were dry, but the waterworks stopped on contact. When I pulled away, I gave Alana a smile I felt in every inch of my body, every ounce of blood in my veins. I felt it in the bony bits, the fleshy bits, and especially the fatty, brain bits. It was like doing a drug that just made you feel good without any side-effects other than a goofy look on your face and great hugs to be given.

Alana still seemed worried, even though she returned my offering. “Gatian, are you alright?”

“I-I’m fine.” I chuckled, still a little choked up. “... Alana?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“... Thank you for…” I looked off to the side, unsure of what to say. Looking back to her, I still didn't know. “I’m… I’m not entirely sure. Just… Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, but I’m starting to worry, sweetie. You were fine when I started coming toward you and you just-”

“River People cry when we’re happy too.”

“Oh. That’s a little odd, isn’t it?”

“Big time, but it’s a thing.” I shook my head, chuckling some more.

“So… What made you so happy that you felt like crying?” She asked, seeming eased by my explanation.

I smirked and wiped my eyes. “That’s for me to know and you to find out. Speaking of things that we’re finding out, I’m really liking that housecoat. And your makeup. And your slippers. And those gorgeous eyes. And that pretty cute widdle face. And your hair, which always looks good. And you. I’m really liking you.”

Alana blushed at that, smiling against her will. “Stop it! You’re embarrassing me!”

“Am I?”

“Yes! You know-”

“Actually, I really don’t.” I took her hands, holding them. “Have I ever told you that I like your hands? They’re so soft, and you’ve got a surgeon’s touch, I swear. You must have been a damn good pickpocket in a past life, ‘cause I just checked for my heart and it’s gone.”

She lit up like a Douglas Fir in Seattle. “G-Gatian!”

“Your eyes remind me of just how much I envy any person that’s gotten more kisses from you than me.”

“Oh my…”

“Your skin mighty be as fair as snow, but I want you to know that it’s my heart that’s melting.”

“If you don’t stop, I’m going to melt!” She squeaked, unable to stop smiling. “Gatian, just what has gotten into you!?”

I hugged her and subtly took in her scent. It wasn’t floral at all, instead being more of a baked good of some kind. She smelled warm and sweet, like fresh Hawaiian bread or something of the sort. “Can I melt you with the flames of my passion?”

“Ooh, you’re too sweet!” She hugged me back, laying a kiss on my cheek after a moment. The joy in her expression just made me that much happier. “Now I’m…” She paused, frowning. “... No, that’s… That’s not good.”

I raised a brow, having a feeling about her topic. “If you were going to say, ‘Now I’m glad that Max hurt your ribs’, then I’m glad too. I don’t know if I would’ve come over today in particular if you hadn’t invited me.”

She smiled shyly, looking away. “... Then I guess I am kind of happy…”

I kissed her chin because I could and snaked my arms into her housecoat, eliciting an ‘Eep!’ for my endeavors. Letting my hands rest on her hips seemed like a good idea as Five Minutes More by someone other than Sinatra started playing. My song was on, so I didn't let my hand right hand stay where it was for much longer. I let the left sit on her waist and offered her the other, seeing Alana’s nervousness on the same sleeve her heart was. With the weight of pure adoration on my heart, I offered up my most winsome smile, I took her left hand and started a little two-step, making my movements a little larger and more grandiose so Alana wouldn’t have to restrain herself as much. After a few steps to get into it, she stole the lead from me and I finally grokked why a lot of Thesuvian men decided to date outside their race in the modern era. Being swung around by Alana was emasculating like no other, but hearing her laugh and sing along as she held me…?

So, so very worth it.

We danced to a few more songs and I even got Alana to put on one of her favorites and teach me the steps she usually used for it. As I’d expected, my skill and apropos in Terruc matters did not extend to dancing and I fell. I fell a lot. Alana giggled at me whenever I did, but it was a beautiful thing I didn't mind hearing. We traded hobbies for a minute and I started teaching her guitar, but unlike myself Alana had natural talent with my side of things. Even if it looked like it fit her more than me at the moment, I couldn’t help but think about having one made for her. I couldn’t remember the names exactly, but I would’ve called my guitar a Dreadnought or a Dumbo… Jumbo? I think Jumbo. Either way, it was a little big for me since I’d lost weight and added some lean muscle, but with Alana? It looked natural in her hands, and the strap even matched her eye-shadow and lip-stain.

We started out slow with one of the simpler songs in my repertoire, which was Cocoa Hooves by The Glass Animals. It was one of my favorite songs, and teaching Alana the chords only took a few hours since she was a diligent student and, as I said, had plenty of natural talent to back it up. She messed up plenty and didn’t want to stop, but when she peeled her eyes away from the frets for the first time in about thirty minutes, she saw me looking at her and apparently understood why I’d been crying earlier. The look of frustration on her face eased into a blank look that into formed itself into the most touching, most caring of smiles. I reached out and brushed the lock of hair that she was always fussing with over her ear, brushing her cheek with my thumb. She held my hand to her face, her eyes partially closing as she took a deep breath. The gentle curvature of those magnificent, inviting lips called to me, but I held back.

“Gatian…”

“Alana…”

“I…” Her breath caught in her throat, making her swallow hard before she bit her lip. “Gatian, I… I know it’s early, but…”

“Alana Wolvram, shut the hell up.” I murmured, making her blush. “I want you to listen when I say I love you. I want you to know in the back of your mind and the bottom of your heart that I well and truly do love you. I want you to never have so much as half a reason to doubt that I love you, so listen up, take it to heart, and believe it.” She was already about to cry, so I just said it. “I love you. I love you, and I don’t need any pretext, but you give me such a mountain, an entire world’s worth of reasons to fall for you. I’m not going to lie and say I love every little thing about you, but I like every little thing about you, and that’s harder. You don’t always choose who or what you love, but you have control over the people and things you like… Just not in this case.”

Her lips shook. “Gatian… I love you too. I… I’ve wanted to say it for weeks, but… I-I just never knew the right time. The right way to say it. I was… I was afraid that you didn’t feel the same way-” She barked out a laugh, squeezing my hand. “Gods above and wiggums below, I… I never thought I’d love again. Not like this.”

“Then I’m glad that you were wrong. I’m glad that I saw you first in the Welcome Center. I’m glad that you offered to help me and show me around town…” My eyes got misty, try as I might to stop them. “I’m glad I didn’t let the past get in the way of trying again.”

She smiled back at me. “That makes two of us on two different occasions.”

I came a little closer and so did she. Then I moved and she shifted. We continued until we were kissing again, the moment… The kiss was… It was right. The convergence of two separate paths crossed by chance. A moment of unity that I’d never known that I was longing for because I’d had the fake edition my entire life. The real thing was… It was magical, for lack of a better word. There was no Terru or somnerre in the air. Just… It… I don’t know. It was something… New. Something unfelt in my breast. A sensation that I couldn’t get enough of, even when the knock came on the door. Neither of us made any move to pull away, but then there was another knock and I briefly wondered who the fuck even knocked at Alana’s door besides me. As it just so happened, someone slammed a fist on the door I pointed my wand at them, seeing that it was Hasha’s cunt-ass herself.

Our eyes met. The fear in her gaze meeting the steel in mine. “Hasha. Leave.”

Alana coughed and I looked to her, seeing her give Hasha a dirty look. “Mhm.”

Hasha folded her arms and smirked. “What, I’m supposed to-”

I threw something decently heavy at her, not paying attention to what it was.

It barely missed the bitch. “Fuck you! What the fuck was that for!?”

I cocked my head to the side and looked at her, but before I could conjugate a perfect insult to both her character and intelligence, Alana… Well, she said, “Okay. Okay, Hasha, I get that you're dumb. I really do. I understand that it must be so hard for you with the mental capacity that you have, or shall we say the lack thereof? I mean, I know you can’t dress yourself since you wear Sunbright Yellow with Guerma Green, but I didn’t think you were actually mentally handicapped enough to not know Thesuvian Romance when you see it. Not only did Gatian and I just tell each other we loved each other for the first time, but we also were in the middle of a kiss.”

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

Hasha had been getting madder and madder up until that point. “Fuck you, you Diancie bitch! I-”

I pointed my wand at her again. “Say that again. Call my vaski a fuckin’ bitch again. I’ll break somethin’ on you. I’ll break somethin’ off of you after I freeze it.”

She shut the fuck up.

Alana grabbed my wand and tossed it behind her, getting a look from me for her troubles. She lightly pushed me back and stalked forward, but when I grabbed her hand and tried to stand up for myself, she looked at me with an expression I’d never seen on her face. Alana doesn’t get mad. She cries. She gets upset and she cries. She gets determined and focuses. She can have the worst day, but you know what? That woman has never so much as curled her lip at a person in front of me. According to Bethany, she’d taken a beating from some bully before Beth stepped in back when they were still in school, and it was because Alana was the gentle giant. Not a gentle giant, the. As in I highly doubted that there was a kinder, gentler, more genial, generally nicer person than Alana. I knew she probably had a mean streak to her, but the look on her face would’ve decapitated a Naga standing behind a Minotaur.

“Boski.” She said icily. “This one’s mine.”

I raised my hands and backed the fuck up.

She turned back to Hasha’s dumb ass and popped her neck. Hasha herself seemed a lot less nervous with my wand gone, even going so far as to crack a confident, arrogant smile. “So that’s it? If you were gonna make all that fuss then you should at least try to keep it up.”

Alana took two steps toward Hasha and she rolled her eyes. My Vaski didn’t seem to react. “There’s no need.”

“OoO, the big bad Diancie is mad at me! Whatever will I do!?”

“Hasha Rojer, this is your last warning.”

Now, the people of Flistis, the Flistians, were not rumored to be cowardly people. Nor were they rumored to be wise. “Um, bitch? Did you just say you were warning me? I warn you, last time I checked.”

“Boski?” Alana asked, her voice soft.

“Yeah.”

“... Look away.”

I did not. I saw Hasha roll her eyes again and take a step toward Alana. I did not see Alana slap her, but I fuckin’ heard it and caught the results. The entryway wasn’t terribly wide, but my vaski still slapped that bitch from right to left, bouncing her off the wall. Hasha hit the ground in a daze, a perfect picture of ‘I didn't think you’d do that’ written across her body language. Dazed and confused, the unwelcome interruption didn’t have time to get herself together because Alana picked up by her hair and shirt, and by that I mean she lifted her off of the ground. Hasha squealed a little before getting slammed into the wall, the wall on the opposite side, and then the wooden plank of the walkway outside. I probably wouldn’t have given a shit if it stopped there, but Alana walked the fuck off with our most tenuous friend, strolled down the steps, then threw her by grabbing the back of her pants and keeping ahold of her hair. Alana saw me watching, so I waved. She nodded and headed back up the stairs, her immediate neighbors coming out of the woodwork, some asking me what had just happened since I technically have the average Armator’s authority. I calmed everything down, waited for Alana to walk past me, and then followed her into her home.

I knew it was coming so I latched onto her from behind for a good squeeze, then came around to see that she was already shedding tears. “It was a little much, but Hasha pushes your buttons every chance she gets, Allie. The only reason Beth hasn’t jumped her dumb ass is because you asked her not to.”

“B-B-Bu-Buh-But I…” She choked out.

There was another hug. “It’s okay. Everyone who knows your name knows that you would never hurt someone without a reason.”

She hugged me back and let loose, most of her sobs detailing guilt and regret as well as the fact that she’d just had enough. Hasha had crossed a line with me, but she had leapt over it by Thesuvian standards. Apparently it’s rude to watch. Incredibly rude. Borderline charge-worthy if you were on private property, even if you’d been invited. There were apparently places for voyeurism and exhibitionism, but not Alana’s fuckin’ house. I assured Alana that Hasha had no reason to do what she did, no reason to be so mean to her in general, and no real reason to be mad that she got her ass beat for being a bitch. When the Armators came and I explained everything, they were on our side from the get-go because Alana’s lived in Holloway Halter her entire life. Lief, one of the guys who stopped by, was actually one of her exes and took me aside to explain that Alana had never done anything like that in all the years he’d known her. He also explained that he broke up with her because she got too tall, which was normal because he was a fuckin’ half Sotan in the first place. Even if the guy was just Thesuvian, he’d still be under five-five. As it was, the dude was about level with my solar plexus, and I saw the wisdom in his choice.

Lief and I talked for a little while and he gave me some background on Alana, but there wasn’t much of it that hadn’t been told to me or that I’d gathered for myself one way or another. He did tell me that she really didn’t like having her nose booped and that she was averse to having her perfect thighs being touched too. With his advice to stay supportive in my ear, I did what I was already doing and went back to assuage Alana’s baseless fears pertaining to whether or not she was going to jail. IT didn’t help all that much in the long run, but she did eventually calm down and we got to cuddle, so that was nice. The night ran long since the next day was for the Weekend Warriors to handle rather than the usual Welcome Center staff, and we got the mood back from earlier with the help of a little alcohol and the rapid changing of topics whenever things started getting even so much as slightly gloomy.

Dawn broke and Tipsy Alana confessed something to me that I’m still kinda surprised about. Apparently she was a virgin, despite Thesuvia not really having any customs towards losing ones V-card. In Avalesce, it was largely assumed that you were supposed to be experienced in sex if you were a certain age, which is a large part of why I got so much of it at the Guild in Hooversdum. Intercourse was apparently comparable to baseball in Avalesce; it was the country’s favorite pastime and the only exception in the land was Chorell, but even then they were sexual deviants of their own right. I’d heard that things had been getting better there and that their Church was coming under heavy fire from more and more influential people both within and outside of the nation. Even with the Char Army knocking on everyone’s door, people are still concerned about others and that kinda touches me, but I got way off track.

I wasn’t sure how to feel about Alana still having her virginity and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be the one to hurt her since I’d never done it before, but I wanted her in that way. I wanted to feel closer to her than I already did, but Alana wasn’t a physical-affection kind of person anyway. She was definitely one for words of affirmation, so instead of laying her while she was a little drunk and had just gotten done beating up one of her longtime bullies, I just told her that I loved her, complimented the things that I liked and joked about the things that I thought were funny. She didn’t think it was all that funny when I booped her, so she booped me back. Then I licked her nose. The blush I got from doing that was great, but it wasn’t the best thing.

Oh no, our time together got a lot better. In the early morning light, I got to see plenty of Alana since she’d long since done away with her housecoat and was just chilling in an olone and her tank top. She’d kept the top buttons closed on the coat as she did with all of her things that had buttons, but her tank had no buttons and she was wearing some pretty cute livery. The brown of the accents matched her hair perfectly and the whites stood out against her already pale skin, both of which were aesthetically pleasing. I brought you along, Booksy, so I could go over the last few things that happened over the night since they were interesting, but I…

I need to do better with my journal. From now on…

Nah. I might see you tomorrow, might not. It’s all good.

[Gatian.]

Oh. Hi.

[It has been awhile since last we spoke.]

Yeah, yeah, whatever Yuria.

[I see you’re still bitter.]

And I wouldn’t be because…?

[... That is a very fair point. I would like to make you an offer, however, seeing as how you never held up your end of our bargain.]

What bargain? Get kidnapped, brainwashed, and become your fuckin weapon? For…?

[Your life. Auric Avarice.]

I made plenty of songs while I was at the Academy. I taught you one. Take that. You never bartered for a song that you chose; you asked for a song. Not a particular one.

[Those do not count.]

I don’t give a fuck. You fucked me over. You tried to use me. Don’t be mad that I’m not putting up with you because you’re fuckin snake.

[One of-]

Get this and get it right. I fucking hate you. You wanna make my fuckin’ day? Go ahead. We can end yours early.

[... I see. You know my threat was not idle, no?]

And I know where you are. Don’t move now~

[Gatian, what do you mean?]

[Gatian.]

[Gatian. What do you mean?]

[GATIAN GAUNER YOU WILL ANSWER ME]

☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽

I answered her.

☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽

I had to go back to my house after my morning with Alana, asleep as she was. The last glimpse of her resting had been… It was what I needed at the moment. The reason I stayed in Holloway instead of leaving when the refugees got heavy. Why I did what I did, I already know, Booksy. I had to… Right? She…

No. I can’t afford to think like that. Not now.

My morning started in the evening when I actually got up, so I made a quick sleep-aid teeya that put me out for another seven hours straight. I didn’t feel much better when I woke up, but the noodle was less floppy and soggy than it had been and I was ready to use it to tackle my problems. As it was, Alana stopped by when the sun was over the horizon to ask how I was doing since we’d both taken the time to reset our sleep schedules. She knew something was wrong, I just couldn't tell her what. Apparently it was a good time to bother Gatian because Hasha showed up too, but this visit wasn’t for me.

She was looking for Alana and I backed my vaski up, but it wasn’t that kind of conversation. Hasha apologized for effectively tormenting Alana for years on years, even going so far as to say that Allie should have beat her ass sooner. They ended the bad blood with a handshake and a hug with Alana being stopped mid-apology by both myself and Hasha multiple times. My vaski was still timid and bashful, although now everyone in our circle and half of the town knew that she kicked the ass of one of the toughest, meanest bitches in town without breaking a sweat. According to Hasha, damn near anyone who saw her over the past thirty or so hours asked if I’d up and kicked her ass for talking shit to Alana or if it had been Bethany. She told the truth to those who wanted to know and even covered Allie’s bases too, often saying that she wouldn’t have been surprised if my vaski had cried because she’d hurt one of her friends. Being known so thoroughly by so many of the residents of the somewhat large town embarrassed her to no end, but Allie bore the brunt of it and was willing to deal with the rest as penance for laying smacketh down. Granted, Hasha was bullshitting about the amount of people that had asked, but she’d told one of the area’s biggest gossips and it would eventually spread anyway.

Hasha was a lot cooler than she’d ever been before and didn’t even have to make fun of anyone to make a joke, finally having found respect for the pacifistic woman after pushing her to violence. As it was, I still didn’t like Hasha because she was still arrogant as shit, despite getting her ass thrown like a smelly Raggedy Ann. In any case, Hasha said her peace on the matter and had a dirty look for me, to which I replied that I would happily take her on without a wand or weapon. Alana immediately put that idea in the dirt since I was still healing, but even she noticed that Hasha sounded different while she berated me. I didn’t know what Alana thought, but I knew what was on my mind from front to back...

I didn’t know I was scary…

I held it back before Hasha left, but she evidently sensed my sour mood. “Sweetie, is something wrong? I know Hasha was acting kind of… weird, but you know she’s not exactly Thesuvian.”

“Allie… Did… Did Hasha sound… I don’t know…”

“She definitely sounded different, I’d say. She could barely control her voice and she didn’t really seem mad when you said you’d take her on…” Allie gave me a worried look. “I… I don’t have anything to worry about, right?”

I shook my head. “That wasn’t anger or something sexual, Allie. She was scared for her fuckin’ life.”

My vaski pursed her lips. “... Well…”

“... Alana…”

Her eyes shot open. “Y-You don’t scare me! I know you better than she does, Gatian!”

She was telling the truth as far as I could tell, but it’d already hit me. “... Yeah. I know…”

“Gatian, Hasha just… She…”

“Alana, the thought of fighting me made a coward out of one of our most foolhardy friends. The only person outright dumber than Hasha is Li-Oh.”

“I thought you-”

“I do like Li, the guy’s just stupid. At no point does he listen to any of the advice I’ve given him. His one friend that’s been outside the country. His one friend that can help him protect himself with Arca. His one friend who’s been in a real, ‘If I lose, I die’ fight. Hell, even if someone else has been in one, I’ve been in more just from fucking walking around Avalesce. The boy doesn’t listen to reason, won’t prepare past what he thinks is necessary, and frankly is well on the way to getting eaten alive. I was fully planning on breaking his leg if he won’t listen to me. And I’ll break it again if he’s not-” The look Alana gave me shut me up. “... I casually talk about maiming people…”

“... Why would you hurt Li-Oh?”

“To save his fuckin’ life. If he goes to Avalesce anytime soon, he’s dead. Li can barely handle his own in a tavern, and even then Coma and I pulled his ass out of the fire.” I turned away from her too late.

She tilted my chin back towards her, my breathing uneven and my eyes threatening to betray me. “... You’re worried about your friend, Gatian. None of us plan on letting Li leave Thesuvia. You don’t have to worry.” I pursed my lips and shook my head, stepping away from her when it started becoming too much. However, Alana had seen it before and had paid attention. Instead of leaving like I wanted her to so I could wallow and not infect someone else with my mood, she brought me to her chest. “Gatian… There’s still a lot of love in your heart. It’s okay to be mad at someone for doing something dangerous. It’s not wrong to mad at your friend for trying to throw his life away. But do you want to know something that I’ve learned in my twenty-five years?” I nodded against her, not trusting myself to speak. “I learned that you can’t hold yourself accountable for everything. You’re not responsible for your friends. You’re not responsible for most of your family… It’s not your purpose to help people. It might be your job or your hobby. It might be your motto and your credo. It will never be your purpose. People largely do what they want. They always have and they always will. If Li gives us all the slip and makes it out of town, then you can’t help that. Unless you want to rob your friend of his privacy, freedom, and the basest right to happiness, then you can’t do anything...”

It wasn’t something I wanted to hear but I needed it to be said in one way or another, and having it come from Alana was the best method of delivery. She was there for me while I cried because I didn’t want to lose someone else, and she understood that it just hurt too much to think of another friend dying to the Char… Booksy, I carry it off really well, but my head is completely fucked. Gage never would’ve thought to use Arca on Hasha. Gage never would’ve threatened Li-Oh’s health… The fucker also never had to kill anyone. Never had to drink their faces away for months so he could sleep. Never saw his friend get eaten alive. Never heard the cries while walking through ruined towns, saw people clinging to life with their fucking guts on the ground. Gage… Gage fuckin’ died and Gatian got to experience all that, and… I’m not half as tough as anyone thinks I am.

People wave and come up to talk to me when I go around town. There’s never a day in Holloway that I don’t hear some kind word or two tossed my way. However, Li, Coma, and Beth were all too happy to tell me that I was one of the most respected people in the town because I was supposed to be one of the strongest. I’d made it through the Char and the Scorched without losing a limb or looking like any of the refugees. I got to Thesuvia with my mind, morals, and sense of self intact, but… What people never realize is that I’m not sipping ale or mead from my flask every ten minutes. It’s fuckin’ Green Dragon, every-fucking-day, all the fucking time, just to keep myself together. Because when I see someone bleed, I don't see a cut, I see a gaping laceration. When I hear a gunshot, it’s not just one, it’s a fucking battle. I…

Fuck all that sad shit; Alana makes it better. My friends make it better. The life I lead makes it better. I hadn’t drank all day and was probably overly emotional because of it, but I needed to stop drinking again anyway, even if Alana hadn’t said anything. “... Allie…”

“Yes, my precious boski?” She whispered in my ear.

“... I need help.”

“I know, sweetie… I know.” Her voice was as soft as a down feather.

I hugged her tighter, thankful that she’d accepted it. Once I’d gotten it together enough to say something in a solid sentence, I went with, “Allie… I…”

“It’s okay, Gatian. You know I won’t judge you for it.”

“... I can’t be a Trademaster… They… They don’t do the things I do-”

“Like what?” She asked gently.

I tried to come up with something, but she just giggled. “I…”

“Bad thoughts are natural, sweetie. Some people have more than others, but you know what? You’re crying.” That threw me through a fucking loop.

“What does-”

“Gatian… I’ve met River People that killed themselves to escape persecution. I’ve met the Guardians when they bring news of another mercy. Believe it or not, I know a good number of people worse than you, but do you know what else?”

I held onto her hands, desperate to know what was next. “What.”

She smirked at me. “You are hands-down one of the kindest, most generous, politest, most gentlemanly people I’ve ever met. You are, without a doubt, the best River Person I have ever come across in seven years of working at the Center.” The confidence in her eyes was… Heartwarming. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been… Ogled, by people, not just men, who come to the Center. Their jaws drop when I stand up, but… You smiled. You never commented on my height until you knew I was okay with it. You have never insulted someone in front of me that hadn’t already insulted someone else. The only times I’ve ever seen you actually try to hurt someone… One was your fight with Max, and I don’t think you really wanted to fight, and you’ve cuffed Li-Oh a few good times, but… You rarely hit anyone, and maybe it’s just me, but everyone hits everyone.”

I cracked up at the look on her face when she said the last part, the fact that she thought that she was pointing out an obvious secret was great. “Allie… I don’t hit people because I don’t like getting hit. I just give people dirty looks when they try to do it. Max deserved an ass whooping he didn’t get, but I still electrocuted him. Insulting people just isn’t my thing, and your height is kinda sexy, so of course I’m not going to make fun of it. That would be like saying that your butt is so toned I’d be afraid of breaking fingers on it.”

She blushed and tried to give me an admonishing look. “I love you, but you spend too much time trying to make me blush.”

“But I’m not afraid that I’m going to break my fingers on your rear because I’m pretty- Nope.” I shut myself up as she turned brighter. “Not digging the hole any deeper.”

She looked away, holding our hands between us. “I… I-I wouldn’t mind…”

“Then I might just try when a moment arises,” I said, holding back a smile.

And just like that I felt considerably better. Booksy, Alana… Alana isn’t Stellara, and that’s a good thing. When we laid down for the night and shared a bed again in my place, it was different from sleeping with Stellara. For one, when Alana cuddled up to me, she didn’t just hold onto my arm or my waist and call it cuddling. No, my vaski draped her arm and leg over me and held me as close as she could, even if we were both already warm. It was like… It was like comparing a handshake to a full on hug, and I preferred the hug. Even if extricating myself from her grasp was a challenge, she was a pretty heavy sleeper anyway. Getting this written out… I feel like I’m ready to start taking my mental health a little more seriously. There’s a therapist at the Center, and I might just see him.

On a side note and as a closing word… Booksy, you’re my homie, right? Okay, because there’s no way in hell I’m telling anyone other than Coma this, but Alana’s bottom? Like a cloud. Stellara’s ass was firm and felt great to hold onto, but it had always been something I’d made myself do. I don’t know why, but it never felt natural. However, with Alana, we just laid down and I copped a feel. She giggled because it tickled and I didn’t press my luck, but it’s not like I didn’t feel welcome to do it again. That being said, I did get another taste of heavenly softness before going to sleep. Sue me.