What is love for you? I am curious. Is that what we see in the movies? Can that be real? Can we have that kind of love in our lives?

Maybe some of you have it, and I am so happy for you, the ones that do experience such kind of love. I have been in love many times, or that is what I thought. I cried so much, it consumed me so deeply, that I am not even sure if I love him anymore. When my husband asks me if I love him, I tell him yes, but I am not sure if what I feel is still love, or if it is just the habit to be with him, having him around.

He always tells me that he loves me, but whenever we fight, he tells me with so much hate that he can't even stand to see my face and that he lives with me for our son. I do not know what to believe anymore, because he switches moods from one day to another. It is a toxic relationship I know. And I have tried to get him out of my life, but he doesn't want to leave. It can't be just for our boy. Maybe he is scared of such a big change or afraid of what people might say about it. He is the kind of person who cares deeply about what people think and say about him, even if he wouldn't admit it.

I always say that I do not care about what people might say about me, but if it is something bad I still do get very hurt by their words.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever had been loved by someone for real if there was someone who would do anything for me.

I wasn't in love with my first husband at first. I just agreed to give a boy one last chance to love, after I had been in some failed relationships. Some friends introduced him to me and praised him to be a good boy, so I thought, to hell with it, I will give it a try.

So I ended up falling in love with him, loving him so deeply that I gave birth to two girls. He was extremely happy when I was pregnant the first time, as we wished for such a blessing for seven years, and when we lost hope, God blessed us.

I wished for the second one, but he was disappointed. Years passed by and the love was gone, only fighting, endless tears, and so on.

When I asked for the divorce, I was already involved with my actual husband, with whom I fell in love even deeper. I felt that I had a real man next to me, one that could protect me and love me.

It may be my fault as I have pictured my second husband as perfect and that he would truly love me. I even had to beg for his love.

Our relationship started as something sexual. We agreed from the start that we will just fuck and nothing more. But as I was so vulnerable, I fell in love with him after just a few days. Oh well, he did fuck me extremely well, making me moan like no one has ever done it. I didn't even know I had it in me.

I can say it is a fact, that my real sexual life, has started when I met him. We fucked so good for so long until I got pregnant with his boy. We did it in every parking lot that we found on our car rides.

We always got along perfectly when we fucked, but now we are lucky if we do it once a month. I am not in the mood anymore at all, I do not have that desire, and I would rather write pure smut through my books, which makes me so horny when I imagine the scenes that I am writing about, even if it is fantasy.

I don't even know why I got married the second time. Why do I keep being so naive and continue ruining my life?

One thing I know for sure, and that is if I end up divorcing my second husband, I will never allow myself to fall in love again, hell no! I would rather spend the rest of my life alone, rather than cry over men again.

God, I can't even remember how it is to be happy, how someone feels, how I would feel. I want to be loved so badly, I feel that is an important aspect of my life that is missing so badly.

I need it, don't we all? Isn't life more beautiful when love is around us?

That is what I believe, that love can make someone feel accomplished, just to have their better half next to them, and they could eat just a slice of bread per day, and still be happy with the little that they have.

I believe that when you love and that love is shared, then you feel protected, never lonely, stronger, determined, and able to surpass every obstacle that may be coming in your life.

Did I get it right, or have I really forgotten all about it?

I know I will never have it again, I will never feel the sweet taste of being loved, and it is all my fault. I have chosen wrong in my life, too many times, and now it is too late to change anything because I have decided that I won't search for love anymore.

I will keep trying and trying to let it go and do my best to live without it. I am not falling for anyone's lies anymore, not even my husband's. I know he doesn't love me, he just wants to live a peaceful life, where he gets everything that he needs. A cozy home, a warm meal, some rare fuck, being left alone whenever he wants to, having the freedom to do whatever he wants with whom he wants.

I would love it if you would tell me, my dear reader, what is love for you, and not a child's love, nor a mother's love, the one love that would leave you breathless, the kind of love that makes you melt at the sight of that partner, the one that makes your heart goes nuts. Does it exist? Or it is just in books and movies, and maybe just in our minds?

Sometimes I concentrate so hard before going to sleep and try to control what to dream about because I would love to be happy, at least in my dreams, to meet and feel the love that would patch me all up and rise me from the hole that I am deep buried in.

Am I crazy? Yes, that is definitely certain. I admit it, I have always been crazy, I have never called myself normal, and never liked to think what everyone else was thinking or doing.

I am trying to be independent, that is what I always wanted, and that is what I need to do so I can gain a glimpse of happiness, except the one that my children are giving to me daily.

I am aware of how lucky am, I always say that I am blessed, but is it wrong to want more? Is it wrong to feel so broken?

I dare to say that it is not wrong and to say it is good to want more because we deserve to hope for the better, for as much as needed until our soul is happy until we feel that we have accomplished something in this short life. Even if there will definitely be things that we may never get the chance to do in this life.