Today I woke up feeling okay, with no dark thoughts, and not in pain. I am not even sure what exactly helps me sometimes, to get over all my crazy thoughts, and all the pain that I am feeling inside of me. What I know for sure is just I have plenty of days when I feel that I am consumed, by whatever lies inside of me. I believe what might have helped me feel better today, is the fact that yesterday I spent many hours outside with my children, and did some sweeping outside, while the sun was burning my head. But I felt good, even though it got me pretty tired. I hate that I have such a war inside my head, my heart, and my soul. What I am writing about is my husband. We don't get along well, and I hate that I love him, even if most of the time he treats me like shit. He doesn't even think that I might be going through something, instead, he keeps criticizing me every single day, about the fact that our house is not clean enough. He doesn't understand that if I need to supervise our toddler outside for hours, I won't have enough time to manage all the chores in the house. I always try to do my best and do as much as I can, but I often fail. He doesn't help with any chore, even when I am sick, I have to crawl my ass through the house to make sure my children have what to eat, clean clothes, and everything so they can be safe and healthy. I am not that lucky to have help from someone. I hear many women complaining about one child, even if their mom can help them. Trust me, I am envious of that woman, I have three children, no help, but I do my best to raise them right. I regret so many decisions I took in my life, but what I can honestly say is that I am very proud that I am the mother of my kids, this is my only accomplishment till far. I do believe that someone, even me, can find his/her passion later in life. Why not? Life is short anyway, so we should never miss an opportunity, even if it raises later in life. I don't know why, but I am more optimistic when I write. I just love it. It is just hard to open the document and write, but when I do, my thoughts are just flowing, and my fingers are flying all over the keyboard. I write on my phone, I find it easier as I can do it from anywhere. I won't tell you where I am writing right now, but you may guess it, just from the fact that I am not telling you, my dear reader, lol. This book may become messy, as I am jumping from one subject to another, but that is how I am when I talk to someone as well. It may be because I have too much to say, and I just let it all out at the same time. I can't be the only one who does this, I am sure there are a lot of people out there who are similar to me. What am I missing now the most in my life right now is being loved by my husband. He says he does love me, but I rarely feel it. I've been with him for six years and at the beginning I was so in love with him, you have no idea. That made me change for a year or so, I mean I would listen to him, to what he would say to me to do. I was his submissive to put it like that, but not just sexually. To give you an example, if I would visit my parents, he would always say to not stay long. I was such an idiot to listen to him. Everyone was noticing how much I have changed during that time, and advising me to open my eyes, to see what I was doing was not ok. But as stubborn as I have always been, I would not listen to anyone. After almost two years, he would keep hurting my feelings, breaking me into a million pieces, the fact that got me back to my true self. Which is that I do not listen to anyone, that I hate for someone to tell me what to do, and that I always do what I want when I want. Now I am myself, broken inside, but with a slight hope for the better. For a better day, week, month, or year! I have many days when I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, days when I want to die, honestly. I am glad that I manage to get over those days, without doing anything stupid. My advice to people, in the same situation, is to do your best to keep your mind occupied and try anything that brings you pleasure, a smile, or good laughter. It is easier for those of us who have children because no day can pass without being busy raising them. Indeed, there are days that children can make it worse when they are fighting or demanding too much, and it makes you feel that you will go insane. But remember, that every day you go by, makes you stronger, a survivor. I can only wish for someone to ever help me, by encouraging me. I am good at encouraging people, I have always been, but not to myself. Once I finish this book, I will read it all and maybe it will encourage me too, or make me sad, I don't know, but I guess I will find out. It is hard to do things, all I need is to start them, and then everything just flows. Sometimes I feel that I am cursed because I have tried to do many things in life, I am talking about careers, but I never took them to an end. Now I just hope that I will stick to writing because I must say I love it, and it is very helpful. Maybe there is hope for me to be whole again, to truly smile, not just fake it.

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