I am not sure when exactly I realized that I May be depressed.

What I remember for sure is that I have tried to end my life many times.

Not sure if I was either 14 or 15 when I first tried to do that. I was in love and I had to break up with that boy just because I was afraid that he would have broken up with me first. I did a stupid mistake and kissed another boy. What a silly girl I was!

I did love kissing boys. I used to play lots of kissing games and I always had the chance to kiss them all, how slutty of me!

I was very naive and curious for many years.

I fell in love so many times and I always ended with a broken heart. Most of the time I guess it was my fault.

But those were just teenage crushes, although the pain from the broken heart still is there. It didn't feel like superficial love, I put all my soul into it.

That was always my mistake, I would always dive into a relationship with all my heart and soul. I was too much.

Most of the time I have tried to end my life because I couldn't stand remembering the awful stuff that happened to me.

I was molested for several years.

The person responsible for it is still free. But I put my trust in God to put our lives in balance., a thing that some of us call karma.

I tried to forgive and move on. It worked but not for long.

I tried to run away and start a new life where no one would know me and I would forget all the bad in my life. That didn't work either.

I know what most of you are thinking, that I should have gone to the police and I should have sought a counselor.

Easier said than done.

I was always I prade for boys and men. They have always loved the way I looked. Thankfully it is not the case anymore.

The wish I had when I was a teenager has come true.

It is not a good thing though, I do not like being overweight. It is not good for my health, I get tired easily, and so on.

I was raised by my grandparents and as I previously wrote, they were my angels. Yes, they did spoil me, I admit it.

My grandma died when I was 19 years old. I was heartbroken, I even ran away from home with my boyfriend. But I did come back home after a while because I just couldn't stay away from my grandpa.

He died just last year, on June 10th, 2022. With his death, he took away a part of my soul. I miss him so much every single day...

He lived for me, he fought with death many times just for me.

What a wonderful man he was! More than a father, my best friend, the only one who would get me without me even talking.

I took care of him the best way I could, as he did for me my entire life.

It was very difficult to let him go...

I struggle every single day, I do my best to not show it to anyone, by putting a fake smile on my face and acting as if I am so optimistic, that everything will be ok.

Recently I have made my first post on social media about my darkest thoughts. I didn't think that anyone would try to comfort me, but to my surprise, many people took up their time and commented encouraging things for me.

Since I become a mom for the first time, almost 9 years ago, I have never thought that I would get such a dark mind again. But the recent situation pushes me too much.

I have three amazing children, my oldest daughter Sophia will be 9 years old on May 1st, my other daughter Gilda is 7 years old and the little one Robert is 3 years old.

Thanks to them I am still alive, they are my only reason to stay alive.

I still have hope that the sun will shine again for me and that is a good sign, at least at this moment when I am feeling a little hope, on other days the hope is gone and I am holding onto it every day to be able to move forward.

Am I depressed? Have I been living with it for so many years?

I remember that I was 20 years old when I just shut all the connections with my friends for no reason.

Until then I was a happy girl, I would feel so amused if you would have just shown me your pinkie.

Sometimes I open my high school album to see what my colleagues have written to me and most of them have written that they wish for me to stay as crazy and funny for always.

So yeah, you can say that is a good proof.

They wouldn't recognize me now anymore, what I have become. Scared to answer a call, scared to have a video call, scared to be me only if I drink some alcohol.

I do drink alcohol, I like the way it makes me feel after 2-3 glasses, it is like I am truly myself, with no shyness, no anxiety, and no depression. That state of I doesn't give a shit if you know what I mean. It feels good, I need that feeling.

My kids are with me almost all the time, but I still fall in bad moods, like I want to scream from the bottom of my heart and let all this pain inside me get out and leave me.

I hold it in for them, I do not want to scare them so I do what I know best, and pretend that everything is fine, although my oldest daughter often realizes that I am not ok. I always do my best to assure her that everything is fine and if it isn't it will be ok soon.

A strange thing is that when my husband is at home and not in a bad mood, I feel better, even though he doesn't spend time with me, I just feel good knowing that he is at home.

Although we don't get along very well, we try to make it work the best way we can.

I loved him so much at the beginning, even though he didn't love me back, but now everything had changed as he hurt my heart too many times, I don't feel like bringing the moon to him anymore.

Many many times I wanted to end this marriage too, but he didn't let me, he is very decided that we can make it to be together and grow old together.

I am not so sure that is possible as I still have the urge to get him out of my life.

Maybe it is because I have always had this instinct if you could call it like that, to push away everything that might be good to me. Or I don't know.

I've been in dark places before and it took me years to get to the surface. And I did it myself, with no help, no counselor, no therapist, no treatment, nada.

I know I am stubborn, I have always been that way.

What can I say, I am an Aquarius, a very independent being. I love to think outside of the box, I love to do things my way.

I would rather be the wolf than the sheep.

You could say I might be bipolar too or just very mentally unstable.

But then I ask you this: Would a mentally unstable woman be able to take care of her kids on her own?

My husband is always somewhere, either he is at work, or he goes to visit his dad and oh yeah, warm weather means time for fishing.

And when he is in the mood for going out as a family, I am not because I am too pissed that he doesn't give us more of his time.

I know, maybe I am too harsh, but you do not know the whole story, you will if you keep reading.

So how do I manage when I am at my darkest point? How do I survive?

For example, I write, like I am doing now, or just seek a way to distract myself, like working, taking care of the kids, doing chores, spend time outside when the sun is out in the sky. Anything you can think of to just distract me.

Of course, sometimes I can not hold it inside me anymore, and then I make sure my kids are not around and I start crying and let a little of that pain that I hide, get out of me.

Then I wipe my tears, run to the bathroom and wash my face, and act as if everything is perfect.

The question is, for how long will I be able to maintain this facade? Will I be able to do it for the rest of my life, or at one point in my life I will crack?

Well, all I wish is that I will be able to see my kids as grownups, settled in their homes and then I will be happy, knowing that I have fulfilled my mission in this world.

No one is helping me to raise my children and yes it is hard, but I do not have any regrets about having them.

I believed that I will never have kids and exactly when I lost hope, God blessed me.

I am thinking now about the people who do not have kids and suffer from depression or other illnesses.

I believe they should seek help from doctors if they can afford it. I for one can't.

I wonder how did I come to the age of 36 and still stand.

With trust in God and my inner strength.

I can not ask for help through words, I have tried that with my husband, but he doesn't understand me.

I always express myself better through writing, I don't know why is that, but that is the situation.

There are many people that I know of who prefer calls, not me, it is a challenge for me to answer a call, I get so nervous that I shake.

There was a period when I would tell myself each day several times that everything will be ok. I even believed in it and it worked for a while.

Now it is like I do not have the strength anymore to say it, I often forget to say it... I forget many things...

Maybe if I would find the strength to be able to reach for the light at the end of the tunnel, everything would be fine eventually.

I will try, that is all we can actually at least do, try!

From trying will come do and from do will come done.

At least that is how things are supposed to work, isn't that right?

I used to think that I was always right, what a hypocrite!

No one can be right all the time, just too stubborn to listen to other's people opinions.

I've been told so many times as a small kid that I was bad because I didn't listen, that it got stuck into my head.

I do believe there is some bad inside me, I think it is part of who I am, although I have never hurt someone with intention.

I have always tried to get along with everyone and avoid fights.

Ignore the haters as someone would say, because indifference will kill them slowly.

All you have to do is mind your business, not care about what people do, and just do your best to be the best version of yourself and live the life you want.