I won't give up! I said that many times, but sometimes I failed. It is good though, to say that to yourself and mean it. It will help you overcome some things, even if there will be small things. Even little things matter, maybe they can matter the most sometimes. There is a saying that says: "Small things lead to a great and strong foundation", or something like that, I do not remember it exactly, or who first said it. But I believe it is true, if you think about it you may agree with me, or not, it is your choice. One thing that I remember doing a long while ago, is I kept saying to myself many many times that everything will be alright. It worked for a while, but then I guess I got bored of saying it, or I don't remember why I stopped, but what I can not forget is that it worked. I am sorry if I repeated myself in the previous chapters, I don't know why, but I do often repeat myself. It may be because I forget I said something, or it is just something I do, so I make myself clear. What does not giving up truly mean? Well, for me is just going through another day, next to the other. Some days you can be strong, and some days you can be a mess. At least, that is how I am, but always feel that I am struggling. It is always hard to fight, most of the time I don't see my purpose in this world. Why am I here, if I am not good at anything? That is what I wonder myself most of the time. But then I think that is it necessary to have a purpose, or we can just live the best way we can? I have such a twisted mind, I guess that is why no one understands me. Maybe someday, I will find someone similar to me, someone, who will understand why I think the way I think, why I am the way I am. Or not, that is fine, there is One who will always understand me, as He is the One who put me on this earth, and that is God. Yes, I am a believer, even though I do not go to church at all, I do believe in God. I do not have anything against those who don't believe, I respect everyone's beliefs, even those who don't believe in anything, just themselves maybe. We are on this earth, and we all have the right and freedom to believe in everything we want to. If someone would ask me what I like, I wouldn't know what to answer, except that I like to write. I am not good at describing what I like or dislike, or just to describe myself. I would describe myself after a bit of time of thinking, that I am messed up, and broken, but that I can pretend to be ok. I often remember the good times when I was a teenager and laugh daily. Nowadays, rarely you can see me laugh, but you can often see my fake smile. It's a cute one, I assure you, you might believe it is from the heart, but that rarely happens. Every morning I wake up, I drink water, while I smoke a cigarette, then make myself a coffee, and only after that you can talk to me. I am always tired, not just my soul, but my body as well. That is because, thanks to my youngest child, I haven't had too much sleep in the past four years. I have breastfed him until recently, ten days ago to be more precise. I never believed I will breastfeed any of my children this long: three years and seven months. How I could finally stop? I got sick, and I needed to take antibiotics, which weren't safe for him. And to my surprise, my boy was so understanding, just asking me daily if I am still sick. So, I can say that I have finally ended a big step in a mother's life. I've been selfish when I divorced my first husband. I just wanted to think about my happiness for one time, but I failed. I know that no one is perfect, but I thought that maybe it will be better. I was wrong, it is not better, maybe not worse, but it is not good. Why do we make the choices we make? It is that life is like gambling, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Well, in that case, I might have lost more, than win. But hey, I am stronger, just for the fact that I am still standing. Yes, I've lost battles, but I didn't lose the war, at least not yet. So no, do not give up and keep trying to improve yourself, or at least just keep staying where you are, but just try to reach a bit of happiness. Even a small drop will make a huge difference. Bit by bit, we can build something strong enough, something that will not be broken easily. It is hard to live when you suffer after trauma, and then just fall in love just to feel more pain. If there is no one to help us, we have to help ourselves. Say to ourselves, that we are strong, we are beautiful, and that we will not give up, no matter what. Even if we fail, all we have to do is crawl, then slowly get up, and move on. Like that, broken, and misunderstood, but we have to stand. Choose not to let anyone drag you down. It is a battle, yes, but do your best so things get better, surround yourself with people who will make you laugh, even if it is rare. We have to hold onto what is rare because that is what will help us move on, and become the strongest that we can be. Do not give up, do not despair, keep living, ignore every bad thing in your life, and be as happy as you can be!

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