As a child we do not think about how our life will be as an adult, we only dream of a family, of a career, of how our life is going to be, but do not pay much importance to it.

Over the years, I have been asked if I would like to be a child again, but I always reply no, and every person that hears my answer is surprised by it, because with everyone that I have spoken about memories as a kid, they would all say that they would give anything to be a kid one more time, with no worries, and no stress.

Well I disagree, but just because I have enjoyed and lived my childhood, and I hated that I had to ask for permission to go outside, or just stay a little bit longer. Call me a hypocrite, but I do not regret being an adult and doing anything I want to, even though I am so messed up in every plan.

I got so fucking fat the past two years and I hate it, but I also do not do anything about it. I have depression battles every single day. The only reason I get out of bed is because I have to for my children. But I still have dark thoughts and want to give up on life, many times.

I am scared that I will wake up one day and I won't be strong enough anymore, that my children won't be enough reason for me to keep fighting this war with myself.

I am aware that it is all in my head, that I am fighting with myself, but I still struggle badly.

Who is to blame for everything that happened in our lives? I am telling you that it is just us, our decisions, our actions. Because we decide who we have around us, we decide where to live, with whom to share our secrets, or just a simple coffee. Entourage is bad, at least that is my experience with it, because I have always been naive and it always has been very hard for me to say no. Even now at thirty-six years old, I can't say no, even if that is what I feel to do.

Although I am doing my best to teach my children to not be like me. I know I should let them have their own opinion, but I honestly don't want them to be like me and say yes to everyone, even if it is stepping over myself.

Maybe a lot of shit that happened in your life you believe is someone else to blame too. But if you think very deeply about every little detail you will see that I am right, that your actions and/or decisions also lead to whatever happened in your life.

Or maybe I am wrong, and I will respect it if you my reader have a different opinion. I am the kind of person who respects it if someone else thinks differently than me. Because we are not the same, we can't ask anyone to think like us, we are so unique, every one of us.

For many years I blamed my dad for all the bad in my life, and for how messed up I am right now, but it is my fault as well. I should have been more brave, I should have stood up for myself, but now it is too late for that, or maybe not. We can't know in advance what will happen if we take a different direction in life, maybe for the better or maybe for the worst.

I divorced my first husband thinking that I will have a better life, I blamed him for not loving me, for just hurting me and making me cry all the time. But I am sure I had a huge part to blame as well. But that it is in the past, I can't change anything and I don't even want to but what has been done is well done.

Now I am remarried and it is like the history it repeats itself. I still do not feel loved, and even worse I am criticized daily, and when I try to stand up for myself, I make it worse.

Maybe it is just my fault, if I become who my present husband wants me to be everything will be perfectly fine. But what about me, what about my feelings? I do not matter at all. Am I being too selfish because I desire to be honestly loved and respected? I am waiting too much for him? Shall I give in and be just a servant, a maid and get nothing in return? Is that love?

We all have endless questions that no one can reply to us. We have to find the answers ourselves because we are the only ones who can take charge of our own lives.

Is there a definition of a normal person? Is there such a thing as normal? I believe not, because although you may see many couples for example, having a perfect life, you can not know what exactly is happening beyond appearances. And that is no one business anyway, all that you should care about is your own life, your shit, and happiness, do not let anyone influence your decisions.

We have to be determined to get what we want and to make sure that we won't hurt anyone along the way in achieving whatever we want to achieve. Just focus on your main goal, but also pay attention to those around you.

Past shall remain in the past, but we can not move on and live in the present if we do not get closure from the happening from the past. I know it from experience, as I never had closure and it is haunting me every day. I am too scared to not mess with other people's lives, just so I can get my closure. So instead I learn how to go by every day and try to live in the present the best that I can.