I don’t know about you, but I have many lost memories.

I have done that myself, trying to bury some nasty memories. I have buried the most, but sometimes if I try hard enough, they come to the surface. Not completely, but still, I can understand them. They are more like small pieces that need to be put together, exactly like a puzzle.

When asked, I brag that I had an amazing childhood, which I did from one point of view.

I used to play a lot of games, all kinds of games, especially outside.

It was much better when I was a child because now you don’t see children playing outside, most of them are with their noses in their phones. I am sure you agree with me when I say that technology messed up a little with our children.

I do allow my children to spend time on their phones, but not as much as they would like it.

Last summer, in 2022, my daughters spent a part of their holiday with their biological father. They haven’t seen eachother in about 4 years I think. Yeah, he wasn’t very present in their life physically, but he did ask every day about their well-being and sent them money.

I know it is not the same and I agree, he could have done more. If we think about it we all can do more in life, we just choose not to, or something or someone is stopping us from evolving, or maybe even ourselves.

Now to get back to the last summer, where my girls said they had lots of fun. Indeed they went out a few times, but most of the time, guess where they were? You guessed, at home on their phones, or at the computer, Xbox, etc. I know for a fact that in one day they spent 8 hours on their phone, not counting the hours at the computer or Xbox.

How healthy, right? They were practically zombies when they got back home. I didn’t agree, but there was nothing I could do, as I agreed to permit them to spend that month with their father.

In the end, what mattered was that they were happy.

That is the second most important, we parent care about because in the first place is that our children are healthy.

I remember how shitty my life was when I didn’t have children. I was so depressed, the days would go by so slowly, and I would cry so often, always fighting with my ex-husband, even when he was far away from work.

I got married at 21 years old, after almost three years of relationship. I was so loved that I was believed at that moment. That wasn’t love, I think it was more addiction, being afraid not to be alone.

I got pregnant with my first daughter at 26 years old. It is not like we didn’t try, it just didn’t happen. I had a saying when people would ask me when will I have a child, I would reply: ” When God will want me to”.

I remember how happy I was when I saw those two beautiful lines on the pregnancy test!

It was a difficult pregnancy. I was so sick that I stayed in bed for the first three months. Tough delivery, but when I saw those beautiful brown eyes, everything went away. It was all worth it.

With my second daughter, I got pregnant at 28 years old, it was a little bit easier to carry this pregnancy. The thing is that my ex-husband wasn’t happy with the news that we would have a second baby, but I was beyond excited and so happy.

Giving birth to her was quite easy, three pushes and out she was. Even the midwives were surprised and told me that this must have been the fastest birth they have ever assisted.

Giving birth is something magical, lots of pain indeed, no matter if you give birth naturally or through a C-section, there still is pain and a tough period to overcome.

Even though enduring everything, when you hear and touch and smell your baby for the first time, every bad thought or pain fades away. You become stronger, tougher, and ready to raise your child the best way you can. And I am writing this from my own experience, as I have given birth three times and I have gone through some difficult times, but it was all worth it every single time.

I have never really sat down and thought deeply about all that I have been through, I guess I was always too afraid that it would be too much or just didn’t care.

To make a big picture of the bad in my life, I can say this:

* I have been more sad than happy

* I have suffered out of love in every single relationship I have ever had

* Now for this, it is hard to write it down, but I will anyway and I won’t get into much detail as I am not ready yet: I have been sexually molested for many years… ( I am aware that is the main reason I am so broken. I have hidden it so deep inside my soul that I even made myself believe it was never real. I do not know how exactly the brain works but I can tell you for sure that by putting those ugly, nasty memories in my Pandora's box as I call it, I have lost many memories along with it. I am 36 years old but it still hurts so bad when the memories come back… It is more than hard. I hope one day I will be completely healed, if there is such a thing, after being abused in so many ways for so many years…)

* I have been used numerous times

* I have never understood ( Maybe it is because I like to think outside the box. I am not the kind of person who does what the rest of the world does, never been like that. I like to do things my way. I do shift personalities pretty fast too so, yes it is hard to keep up. But come on now, I can not be the only one who is like that, I am not a damn alien or god knows what!)

* I have made lots of bad decisions

* I have lost most of my opportunities

* And so on….

* But hey, it is not all bad in life, we need to see past everything, so here is the good that has come in my life:

* My grandparents, may they rest in peace! (They have raised me and loved me so much! I lost my grandma when I was 19, I still regret that I wasn’t closer to her, as a friend… She was an amazing woman, so strong, so loving! About my grandpa, you have never met a man like him. He was beyond amazing! He had a golden heart, he would make you laugh every day with his jokes, even if you would have been in a really bad shape, trust me that he would have made you laugh. God, how much that man loved me, he was more than a grandpa, more than a father, he was my guardian angel. I lost him last year, on 10th June 2022… Covid they said, but he wouldn’t even go outside… I still feel him around me… His love for me was infinite, he lived for me to have a good life… I could feel his love, so honest, so sincere, he would have done anything for me. Now I have no one to make me feel that way, not my parents, not my husband, not my kids….)

* My three children, the light of my life, the reason I am not ending my life (I know I would be a coward to do that, but trust me there are days when I feel that I would be capable of just shoveling a knife in my stern… I always feel so much pain inside my soul and sometimes I can not stand it anymore. I look at my children and I know that they need me, we all need our mothers!)

* I can still walk, see, hear, smell, touch…

* Until my twenties, I looked hot, I was happy, laughed a lot, and just lived my life.

* What happened is that I got married and out of a sudden I just closed my connection to the world. Spent most of the time indoors, I would go out just to do the groceries, and I would carry everything, no matter how heavy it was.

* My first husband would stay at home and play on the computer. How nice, right? Oh well, it was fine, or not. I shed so many tears for men who didn’t deserve one. I wasn’t perfect either, but I have never looked for perfection in anyone. All I ever wanted was to be loved and respected. I didn’t get any of that, or at least I didn’t feel it. Now all I want is peace and sometimes loneliness.

* Many dark memories, few of happiness…I’ve been raised by my grandparents and trust me when I write this, there is no greater love that you could feel, than from the parents of your parents.

* They have loved me and supported me all their lives and I thank them for that, even if I am not sure they can hear me from where they are now. God has decided to take back his angels, because that is what my grandma (who I always called mommy) and my grandpa, have been, angels in my life.

* I was more than lucky to have them, I was blessed with such wonderful people to raise me!