The subway had only just started moving when Saki turned to me. “Thanks for coming with me.”

“Of course.” I smiled. “Anytime.”

She just shook her head at me.

“So, how are things going at The Weeping Willow?”

I shrugged. “Same old stuff, I guess. Nothing’s changed too much since you were there. You said you were doing housekeeping in a hotel now?”

“Yeah, it pays my bills, barely.”

“Is that why you lost all the jewelry and cut your hair?”

She chuckled, holding a few strands of hair between her fingers and examining them. “Something like that. It’s alright over there, I guess. I get left alone for the most part. It’s not really as fun as it was working that summer with you, though.”

I grinned. “The restaurant was a lot more fun with you, too.”

It felt good to be talking somewhat normally again. We felt in sync again. The weight that had been crushing my chest and stealing the breath from my lungs felt so much lighter. I was almost resentful when the train came to a stop.

Saki got quiet again as we walked from the station to her mom’s apartment building, but at least this time I knew why. I just hoped that the venomous, fire breathing creature that was behind the door last time wasn’t the same one waiting for us this time. I’d only ever seen the horrible creature that Saki’s mother had become, not the nice person she used to be. The fact that Saki was here meant she had hope. I just prayed that hope wasn’t going to be betrayed.

My eyes fell to Saki’s hand, swinging gently beside mine as we walked. I longed to take it and feed her comfort through my fingers, but I knew at that time anything like that would just complicate things. That was the last things he needed right now.

Pretty soon we were staring at that same heavy metal door that I hadn’t seen in nearly a year, and never really wanted to see again.

Saki took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, here goes nothing.” She gave the door a hard knock.

It didn’t take long for her mom to answer the door. She looked even more surprised to see me than she did the last time.

“Come in,” her mother said after a pause and swept her arm in a welcoming gesture.

Saki and I both took our shoes off at the entrance and entered the living room. It was clean, just like the last time I was here. I sure hoped it wasn’t all a show.

Her mother brought us all cups of tea, but it felt entirely too awkward and quiet to drink much of it.

“So…” Ms. Katayama started shakily. “I’m glad you agreed to come see me today.”

Saki shrugged. “Dad said he really thought you’d made improvements. I figured it must be worth seeing if he was vouching for you.”

She nodded. “I’d actually like us to all sit down together sometime, but for now I just wanted it to be the two of us.” Her eyes flicked to me for a second.

“He’s here as insurance.” Saki answered her eye movements.

“Insurance?” Her mother asked.

“You have a habit of pulling the wool over my eyes and dragging me back into the pit. And I have a habit of falling for it every time.”

Her mother bit her bottom lip, but nodded. “That’s fair.”

I was actually pretty happy she was being so direct about it. Not that Saki usually danced around subjects, but I wasn’t sure she’d be quite the same with her mother.

About a minute went by before she finally spoke again. “I’ve gone back on my medication and started going to therapy again. My therapist says she’d actually really love to meet with you sometime.”

“I’m glad you’re sticking with it this time, but I think we should take this one step at a time. Let’s see how today goes first.”

“Of course.” Her mother nodded.

Ms. Katayama was being much more submissive and not at all volatile like last time. I wasn’t exactly counting my chickens yet, though. My mind kept reminding me how sweet she sounded over the phone, and how that attitude had completely evaporated after I’d actually gotten to the house.

“Saki, I….” Her voice cracked as she pushed back tears. “I’m so sorry for what I put you through. I was in so much pain over the death of Matsuo and I couldn’t find anywhere else to direct it. I felt so terrible when I hurt you. I’m not even sure why I kept going. I got so lost in my own depression that a big part of me didn’t care who I was blaming or pulling down with me.”

Saki snorted and shook her head. “That’s not a justification, Mom.”

“No. No, it isn’t.” She wiped the tears away that had started to run down her face. “I know you can’t forgive me right away. Maybe you never will. Words may not be enough, but I just had to tell you how sorry I am, Saki.”

Her mother reached across the table to touch Saki’s face, but Saki jerked back. “No. Not yet.”

Ms. Katayama nodded as she retracted her hand and sniffed some more.

Saki cleared her throat and shifted around. “I think that’s enough for today.”

We excused ourselves after that and were almost out the door before her mother called after me.

“Nagase Kaito, wasn’t it?”

I nodded.

“I just wanted to say thank you for taking care of my daughter.” She bowed.

“Uh…of course,” was all I could manage to ineloquently stammer before we shut the door behind us. I didn’t even have the presence of mind to bow back. She’d really caught me off guard.

“So, what did you think?” Saki asked me as we walked down the stairs of the apartment building.

“What did I think?”

“Yeah, did it sound sincere to you?” She made the question sound so easy.

“Uhhh…” I rubbed the back of my head. “She sounded like she was actually sad, but I couldn’t say why that is. Sad for you or sad for herself, you know?”

Saki nodded. “It’s hard to say with her. I’ve seen her pull that sort of thing before to lure me back home. It seemed a little more convincing this time. I guess maybe time will be the true test. It’s not like I ever plan on going back there to stay.”

“Good,” I said firmly.

We reached the bottom of the stairs and I realized I had no idea where either of us was going next. Saki was looking off in the direction of the train station, fidgeting.

“You can always come stay with me. I mean, if you don’t feel like going home by yourself.”

She looked at me and smiled gently. “Same old Kaito.”

That was the face I missed. It was the one I remembered the most, Saki's true face. Behind the stone skin layers of anger and sadness there was that look. The same one I'd seen when we were thirteen.

“Sorry it’s so small,” I said after we’d reached the apartment and started to take off our shoes.

“Ah, well, guess I’d better take off then and get back to the palace I live in.”

“Keep it up.” I led her through the small walkway that also served as the kitchen and into the only room in the apartment besides the bathroom and washroom.

We sat at the small table in the center of the room and I put on the TV for her to fill the silence a little. At first I wasn’t paying attention to how close I was sitting to her. I’d just put myself there out of habit. But as soon as I realized it, it was all I could think about. I started to slide closer. I just couldn’t help myself.

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She turned to look at me and I leaned closer still. I could smell that familiar orange jasmine scent, feel her breath on my skin. I'm not entirely sure what possessed me to lean in and kiss her, but for just a moment, I felt her give into me, and it felt so good. Then, her lips became tight and she shoved my chest, pushing me away.

"Kaito, God damn you."

She stared to get up, but I grabbed her and wrapped my arms around her.

"Please, don't go," I whispered. "I won't try anything again, but don't go. I’m sorry."

She didn't answer.

"Please," I repeated.

She sighed and put her arms around my back. "How could I leave when you're being so pathetic?"

She was right. I was being pathetic, but I didn’t care. I just needed her there.

After a little while, I calmed down and sat a respectful distance away again. We started talking about all the stuff that'd happened over the past several months. She told me that in addition to working as a housekeeper she also worked as a waitress sometimes. I felt kind of bad about that. I'd always thought Saki would like a job doing something outside much better. Her landlady was some bitter old shrew. She said her dad couldn't even stand the woman, and he liked just about everyone. It sounded like her and her dad were actually getting along pretty well. It was really good to hear.

Eventually, I fell asleep with her in my arms. And for that single, precious, cold night everything was as it should have been.

But my dreams never last, so when I awoke in the morning, she was gone. I found a note laying on the table that read, "Thanks for everything."

I ripped my phone off the night stand and pressed the call button so hard I hurt my own finger. She answered after the second ring.

I didn't even wait for her to say anything before launching into her. "What the hell, Saki? You couldn't even let me say goodbye? That's really unfair. You could have woken me up."

"Sorry," she said.

Sorry? The word drained the anger from my body and replaced it with dread. She'd never apologized for anything before. Not ever.

"You have no idea how sorry I am, Kaito, for all of it, for everything. I am so sorry." Her voice was soft and sad. "I can't fix it, but I can try and make it better. You said I didn’t let you know last time we weren’t going to see each other. Well, this time, I’m letting you know. I've decided not to contact Kimiko anymore either. You won't see or hear from me again. You can overcome this. I know you can. Goodbye, Kaito."

She hung up the phone. I immediately tried to call her again, but it went straight to voicemail. I let out a wordless yell and threw the phone at the bed. It bounced off and hit the floor. I sat down with my head buried in my hands, her last words echoing in my head.

I called in sick for the very first time that day, and the day after, and the day after that. When I finally did manage to drag myself to work, I wasn't the same. I did my job and went home. That was it. I talked to people the minimal amount, often giving one word responses. Many of my coworkers showed concern and tried to help, especially Kuroda and Iwamoto, but I just shrugged it off and claimed I was fine.

I didn't make plans with anyone after work anymore and I would turn down anyone who offered. Why bother trying? Instead, I returned home to wallow in regret and depression.

With little distraction and loads of time on my hands, I had a lot of time to think. This never ended well. Usually, by the end of the night, my mood would go one of two ways: blood boiling angry or crushing despair. A couple times a week, this led me to make really stupid decisions. I would call up Saki, knowing full well she wouldn't answer and it would go straight to voicemail, and leave a message. Depending on my emotional state, I would either leave a pathetic plea for her to come back, or I would scream into the phone, demanding that she stop ignoring me. I said some very horrible things to her, claiming that she was no better than Yokota or that I wished she hadn't come back at all.

I regretted both the pathetic and the angry versions, and always felt sick to my stomach afterwards.

Occasionally, I would call her just to tell her about my day or reminisce about old times. She was probably deleting all of these messages without listening to them at all, but it comforted me to do it anyway.

It only took me around a month to realize I couldn’t live the way I was. There was no future in it. I wanted so much to go back to the way things were, but that was impossible. I wished I could move forward with my life and leave her behind as some bittersweet memory, but I couldn't do that either. I was stuck. Why was I so focused on this unhealthy thing? Maybe I was sicker than I'd realized.

I decided my only way out was to finally lay myself completely bare in front of her. Maybe my mom and Hiromasa were right. Maybe it would give me closure. How stupid that after all these years I was going to do what everyone told me I should have done before, what I should have done in the beginning; tell her I loved her.

I called her one day late in December, somewhere between Christmas and the new year, informing her that I needed to talk. I told her this was something I must do in order to save my sanity. I tried my best to push my sincerity into the words. I wanted it to sound different than all my calls before. I had no idea if it was going to work. She had obviously blocked the number, so she wouldn't get an alert at all. Even if she bothered to listen to the message, there was no guarantee that she would respond. I'm not sure I really had a plan B if she didn't. I would have had to track her down like the crazy ex I was, I suppose. I was steadfast in my decision to speak with her.

I received a very brief text in response, simply listing the time and place. That alone was enough to bring a smile to my lips. She'd chosen the bridge in the park that we'd visited on Christmas Eve that night in high school. It was a pretty good choice in my opinion.

My heart was in my throat the entire morning leading up to the meeting, and I had to fight not to sprint as I made my way down the gravel path leading to the bridge. As soon as she came into view, my body instantly felt lighter. My heart hammered away in my chest as I watched her on that bridge, gazing out into the water. It was a clear day, not like the snowy night when we were here last. But again, it wasn’t the view I was looking at.

I slowed to a stop behind her. "Saki."

She turned around and met me with smile. "Kaito."

"It's nice out today," I said, taking a look around.

"Called me here to talk about the weather?" she asked.

"No." I shook my head. "I wasn't sure if you would actually get my message, but I guess since you did, that means..." I trailed off.

"All of them," she said, answering my unasked question. "I listened to all of them."

I grimaced and shoved my hands into my pockets. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I didn't mean any of it."

She chuckled. "I don't know. I think I kind of did."

I shook my head rapidly. "No you didn't. I really don't think that. I-"

"Kaito," she cut me off. "You didn't come to talk about the weather or to apologize. Say what you came to say."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "This is going to be hard for me. Will you listen until I'm done?"

She nodded.

"Saki, I..." I put my head down. I couldn't look at her while I said it. I couldn't see the face she was going to make until I was all done or else I was never going to finish. I took another breath and started again. "Saki, I love you. I've loved you for a long time. I know you know that already and I know you don't feel the same way about me, but I can't go on like this. All these years all I ever wanted to do was save you, but instead, I think you saved me. I can't go on not speaking to you, not seeing you. It's killing me. It kills me a little more each day. You were such a big part of my life. I need you, even if you hate me or it's just pretend. I will tie myself to a chair when I'm around you if that's what it takes for me to keep from touching you, but I have to see you. I also know what day it is and I know what’s coming. You shouldn’t have to face it alone just because of my selfishness. You’ve been fighting it alone for so long. You don’t have to be alone anymore, Saki. So, please."

I took a deep breath once more and looked up slowly, bracing for whatever look I was going to receive. Would she be mad? Disgusted? Maybe she would just say something cruel and walk away. I was not prepared for what I saw.

She was crying.

Tears clung to her lashes and ran down her face. "You idiot, of course I love you."

It felt like sunlight had flooded my entire being. Had I heard that right? Yes, I was sure I did. Had I died on the way over here? If that was true, I was not complaining.

"But, you said..." My words weren't coming together and my mind was having a hard time keeping up. "You...why? Since when?"

She rubbed her palms against her cheeks, trying to regain composure. "I've loved you since that very first night when we were thirteen, when you decided I was someone worth saving. Those new emotions scared me and I hated to think what would happen to you if you got mixed up in my mess of a life, so I ran away."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Why this then?" I spread my arms. "Why any of this? Why not tell me sooner if you knew all this time?"

"Because I am so very broken and you deserve so much better."

"I've never once thought of you that way," I said.

"That's because you're an idiot." She smiled and reached her hands out behind her, grabbing onto the railing for support. "You have no idea how happy I was when I saw you in class three years later. I was content to leave it like that. I thought I was lucky just to see you again, but you wouldn't let it go. You said you wanted to be my friend. You made it so easy. I told myself I would let it go on just long enough to help you. I hated what people had done to you and I just wanted you to be better again, but after that, I just kept making up excuses. I promised myself it would just be for the rest of the summer, then until the first of the year, and I just kept going. You have no idea how much I wanted to warp you into something bad, so that I might be worthy of you, and at the same time, how much I wanted to preserve the Kaito I knew completely." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I hate myself for that. I hate myself for a lot of things. You showed up at my apartment that day and I..." She buried her face in her hands and started to cry again. "All I ever did was make things hard for you and hurt you, but for some reason you're still standing here."

I couldn't hold back any longer. I wrapped my arms around her and pushed her head against my chest. "Please stop crying. You have no idea how happy I am right now."

"Didn't you hear me?" she asked in a muffled voice. "I said I wanted to warp you."

I shook my head. "I don't care."

"I'll lash out again," she whispered.

I smiled. "I don't care."

"I still break things."

"I don't care."

"I still steal things on occasion."

I seized both sides of her face and kissed her deeply. "If you think for a second I'm letting you walk away after what you said, you're even more of an idiot than I am."

She wrapped her arms around my back and buried her face in my chest again. I smiled and cradled her head, not really caring if we stood there the whole day.

Eventually, she pulled away and wiped her red, puffy eyes with her sleeve.

"Jeeze. You've become quite the cry baby, you know?"

She laughed and punched my shoulder. "Shut up."

"Come on." I grabbed her hand. "Let's go home."

She smiled and nodded. "I think you owe me food for making me cry like that."

I chuckled as we started walking. "I absolutely agree. I'm not sure how much damage I can do in that tiny kitchen, but we'll find out."

"Eight course dinner, then?" She smirked.

I laughed. "Of course. Hot or cold desert?"

She pretended to mull it over and shrugged. "Chef's choice, as long as it has strawberries."

I nodded and kept right on staring at her with that smile of mine that just wouldn't quit. She stared back at me, not with loneliness or rejection, but with a look of happiness. Her eyes matched her smile, no longer sinister or sad. It was that carefree one that she wore so rarely, the one that was now my responsibility to preserve.

True to my word, I was no prince riding a white horse and this was no fairytale, but I think for a backwater peasant riding a donkey, I did pretty well for myself.

Higoshi Saki, an anomaly in my mundane routine.