My parents returned home for a few weeks in early December, with my mother arriving a few days before my father, which happened occasionally when their work schedules didn't match up exactly. It was still just as awkward. I think I probably said less than twenty words to her the whole time she was there and even less to my father when he arrived.

Saki didn't visit while they were at home, so I honestly couldn't wait for them to go. I still saw Saki at school and on the weekends when we did one of those normal high school activities that she said was a waste of time. She could say that all she wanted. I knew better. I caught her from time to time dropping her guard and really enjoying herself. I never called her out on these times. I would simply smile to myself.

At some point, merely seeing her in the daytime was not enough to satisfy me anymore. This became readily apparent to me when my parents were visiting and Saki didn't sneak into my bed at all. I woke up every day during those early weeks in December feeling like a piece of me was missing. It really wasn't good. I was holding on too tight, depending too much on her presence. It was just going to burn me in the end.

When my parents finally left and Saki started showing up at night again, it was like finally being able to breathe after being held under water. It took so much effort not to reach out to her the first night she returned. I lay staring at her outline in the bed after she fell asleep. It felt wrong to do so, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. When she rolled over and her fingers found their way to my outstretched arm, I did not pull away. Not good.

The three of us decided to spend Christmas Eve together, because obviously, none of us had dates. Hiromasa showed up early, kicked off his shoes and took off his coat in the entrance way, then followed me to the kitchen. He peered over my shoulder while I whisked some honey and soy sauce together.

"What are you making?" he asked.

"A glaze for fried chicken bites." I jabbed his chest with the handle of the whisk. "Back up. I can barely move with you hovering like that."

"Wow. You've really gotten into this cooking thing, huh?" He stuck his finger into the bowl and put it in his mouth. "This is really good."

I glared at him.

"Don't worry." He grinned. "I've got clean hands."

I growled.

He put his hands up and backed away until his back hit the island. "Sorry. Sorry. I'll stay out of the way."

I went back to finishing the sauce and draining the oil from the fried chicken. Hiromasa was quiet for a while. His voice was quiet, yet serious when he spoke again.

"Hey, Kaito. I need to tell you something."

I turned to look at him. He was gripping the island behind him and staring at the floor. He only ever got this serious when he talked about Saki.

"On New Year's Eve, I've decided I'm going to confess to Saki." He looked up and met my eyes.

I was silent for a minute. I didn't know what to say. My chest felt tight and I wasn't really sure why. It's not like it would do any good for him to say anything to her, right?

"Good luck," I said, finally.

I really wish I meant those words, that I could be one of those people who had that selfless outlook. "As long as they're both happy," people like that would say, but I could hear a tiny, dark voice in the back of my head wishing for his failure. I didn't really believe she would pick anyone, but if she did, it had to be me. She wouldn't be happy with him. I couldn't accept that. He would never understand her the way I did. She wasn't ever going to open up to him the way she had with me. He didn't know how to handle the rage inside of her. If it was anyone, it had to be me.

Saki strolled into the living room, swinging the house key around her index finger by its ring. "What's with the serious feeling in here? Did someone die?"

"Hey, Saki," Hiromasa turned his back to me and waved at her over the island. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too." She walked over and stared at me. "What's that look on your face? Did I interrupt a lover's quarrel?"

"Ha ha," I said flatly. "Maybe we just don't know how to have a party without you."

She grinned and grabbed a piece of chicken. "In that case, let the party begin." She popped it in her mouth and then immediately started to fan at it. "Hot. Hot."

I laughed. "That's what you get for being a thief."

She shrugged. "Still delicious."

I smiled. "Thanks."

"Try some of that sauce." Hiromasa gestured at the bowl. "It's pretty good."

She put her finger in the bowl and tasted it.

I let out an irritated sigh. "Why does everyone keep doing that?"

"Relax." She held up her hands. "I washed them recently."

Hiromasa laughed. "That's what I said."

"It's like you two were separated at birth sometimes, I swear." I grabbed Saki's hand as it made its way towards the chicken again. "Didn't you learn your lesson the first time?"

She smiled. "I'm a slow learner, especially when I'm hungry."

"Will you two go sit down?" I waved them off.

"Fine. Fine," Saki said, and went to the table on the other side of the island.

Hiromasa sat next to her. "He certainly has a stick up his ass about that sauce, huh?"

Saki laughed. "Yeah, he does."

I whirled around to look at both of them. "I am not the weird one here. Why the both of you think it's normal to stick your fingers in food, I don't know."

They both started laughing.

What was this weird situation? Weren't Saki and I usually the ones laughing at Hiromasa? I turned around to finish what I was doing while the two of them chattered in the background about how much snow we were going to get this year.

Before long, I'd set a big plate of the glazed fried chicken on the table, along with some rice and some simmered winter squash. I took a little bit of everything. Saki and Hiromasa mostly loaded their plates with chicken.

"This is delicious," Saki said after swallowing a few pieces of chicken and coming up for air.

Hiromasa nodded in agreement, his mouth too full to speak.

I laughed. "Glad you both like it. Save room for desert though."

We all ate way more than we should have, Hiromasa and Saki especially, but no one refused a slice of strawberry and cream cake when I passed them out.

"Did you make the cake too?" Hiromasa asked, sinking his fork into the pillowy cake slice.

I snorted. "Yeah, right. I'm an amateur cook, not a baker."

He shrugged and placed the forkful of cake in his mouth. "It's good anyway."

I stuck a fork through the large strawberry on top of my piece and scraped it onto Saki's plate.

"You don't want it?" Her eyes grew big.

I shook my head. "Not as much as you do."

She quickly took a bite of cake and her face melted into that content smile of food bliss as she chewed slowly.

I laughed. "I'll take that as a 'thank you'."

"So, you guys want to go to a shrine for New Years?" Hiromasa asked.

Saki smirked. "First shrine visit of the year together, huh?"

Hiromasa nodded. "Kaito and I usually go together with my family, but it would be really fun if the three of us went together this year. Especially on New Year’s Eve."

She smiled. "I guess you could be right. I haven't done that in years."

Hiromasa's cheesy grin spread over his face and he nodded. "It's settled then."

The three of us finished off our cake, and then hung out for a while longer just goofing off and playing games like we normally do. Hiromasa finally decided to head home because he could barely keep his eyes open. Saki was about to head out too, but I stopped her at the front door.

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"Before you go, I have something for you." I pulled out the flat, white box from behind my back.

She glared at me. "Nice try." She bent down to grab her shoes.

"Come on." I held the box out to her. "Something like this can hardly be considered a present."

She eyed the box skeptically, then looked back up at me. "So, not a phone, then?"

I laughed. "Last time I checked, phones don't come in boxes this big." I paused. "Would I have gotten away with a phone?"

"No." She ripped the box out of my hands and stared at it.

"It's not going to blow up when you open it," I said.

She scowled. "I didn't get you anything."

I shrugged. "I don't care. That's not why I did it."

She took off the lid and flipped it under the bottom of the box. Her face softened as she pulled out the dark green scarf, running her thumb over the wooly texture.

"Kind of lame, I know." I smiled. "I thought you might like the color though."

"You're an idiot." She didn't take her eyes off the scarf.

I cocked my head to the side. "Really? I thought you liked green, or is it the fact that it's a scarf?"

"It's neither of those reasons." She thrust the box at me. "Take it back."

I held my hands above my head so she couldn't reach and laughed. "That's not how gift giving works."

She growled and shoved the box into my chest. "Take it back."

"No, and you can't make me." I grinned.

She jumped up trying to get the box into my hands. I folded them behind me and put my back against the wall, laughing the whole time.

"Take it back." She pushed the box towards me again.

"Nope." I smiled.

She sighed and hung her head. "Thanks."

I nodded. "You're welcome."

She turned away from me and set the box down to put on her shoes and coat, then picked it up again, hugging it to her chest.

She opened the front door and paused. "Merry Christmas."

I smiled. "Merry Christmas."

She shut the door behind her and I kept right on smiling.

As promised, we all met up outside of the shrine grounds on New Year's Eve. Hiromasa and Saki were already waiting for me when I arrived. He looked nervous. I wondered if he was really going to work up the courage to confess to Saki. The thought of it made me a little nervous, too.

We had chosen a less popular shrine in hopes that the crowd wouldn't be as bad, but it was still really busy. Saki had the scarf I had given her tied around her neck, which put me in an instant good mood. She must have seen me smiling as I approached her because she was already glaring at me before I even had a chance to say hi.

"Why are you in such a good mood?" she asked.

"Nice scarf," I said with a smile.

She sighed. "I thought so. Don't get any ideas. It's just cold out."

"Of course." I nodded.

"Let's just go." She shuffled towards the wooden torii gate.

Hiromasa and I quickly caught up to her and we all walked side by side as we crunched over the wide gravel path that led to the shrine. The closer we got, the more crowded it became. At least the walk was pretty. There were trees and mossy rocks on both sides of the path, as well as a stream that I could hear occasionally, but couldn't see. Red lanterns lit our path the whole way.

Saki put her head back and groaned as we walked. "I think I remember why I stopped doing this."

"Ah, come on," Hiromasa said. "It's part of the experience."

"It's part of the experience to get treated like a human sardine?" she asked.

I started laughing.

He grinned. "I don't think it's that bad. Besides, it could always get worse, right?"

He was right. It could, because it did. It took us a while, but we finally made it to the end of the path where it opened up into a larger area containing the stone water basin for cleansing your hands and mouth. We shuffled with the crowd over to the basin, and each took some water with the wooden ladles that lay on a grate above. We washed our hands, as well as rinsed our mouths with the cold water, then continued on our slow journey to the shrine.

For three friends on a night out together, there wasn't very much conversation going on. Hiromasa was unusually quiet and his face seemed tense. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for him drawing closer and closer to his confession. Saki had a serious expression on her face as well and it seemed like she was far away. Had she sensed how anxious Hiromasa was, or was it something else entirely? It was hard to say with her.

I wasn't really holding up my end of the conversation either, mostly because I wasn't really sure what I was feeling. I was glad Hiromasa was moving forward, but what did that mean for any of us? Would things be able to stay as they were? He was going to get hurt. I was sure of that, and I really didn't want to see that happen, but the only alternative was something worse.

We crossed through the open wooden doors in the large, roofed gate that surrounded the shrine. Inside, there were several stalls set up for buying fortunes or talismans, as well as a place to write a wish on a wooden plaque and hang it with hundreds of others.

We readied our coins and headed up the stone steps to the altar. Once there, we dropped our coins through the slots in the large wooden box. We bowed and clapped twice, then began our silent prayers. Mine was the same as it had been for years. I prayed for Saki's happiness and safety. We bowed once more and left the altar.

Saki weaved her fingers together, stretched her hands above her head, and yawned. "So, was it everything you dreamed it could be?"

Hiromasa stared ahead, silently.

"Hello?" Saki cocked her head. "Earth to Hiromasa."

He still didn't say anything.

She let out an irritated sigh and grabbed a fist full of his hair. "Hey!" She shook his head from side to side. "You sleep walking, or what?"

"Sorry." He pulled away. "Just thinking." He smiled weakly.

"Uh-huh," Saki said, clearly unconvinced.

"Actually," he said and stared at the ground. "I need to talk to you."

"So talk," she said.

He shook his head. "Not here. There's a park across the street. Will you come with me?"

She shrugged. "Sure, if you want."

Leaving the shrine was a little slow too, but not nearly as slow as it was on the way in, although the air had certainly grown tenser. We crossed the street to the small, forested park and started down the path lined with street lamps and shrubs. I realized that I should have excused myself earlier and had very quickly become a third wheel. I stopped abruptly, which made Saki and Hiromasa stop too.

"Uh, I think I had better get home." I stuck my hands in my pockets. "I'll see you guys later."

Saki's eyes traveled slowly from Hiromasa to me. She nodded and gave a short wave. She had figured it out in that moment. I didn't need words to tell me that.

"Later." Saki stepped closer to Hiromasa.

He nodded his thanks at me and the two of them continued walking down the path together. I watched them go. My chest tightened and I turned away.

I was nearly out of the park when my feet slowly shuffled to a stop. I couldn't go home, not without knowing. I glanced back at the now empty path behind me. How would he do it? Would he be direct and straight to the point? Knowing Hiromasa, he would be nervous and stuttering the whole time, although, he had surprised me a lot lately.

I sighed and leaned against one of the lamp posts at the edge of the park. I watched my breath condense in front of me, letting the minutes tick by. She was going to say no, wasn't she? My breath caught in my throat. What if she didn't? What if he convinced her to try dating him? How was I going to deal with that? Could I even still be around them both at the same time? What if she actually enjoyed it?

What if she fell in love with him?

I suddenly found it very hard to breath and gripped my chest.

What if I stopped him?

I took a step forward, ready to run down the path. Hiromasa was walking slowly towards me, alone.

I silently waited for him, my breath returning.

He stopped several feet from me with his head down. "If you're waiting for Saki, she went the other way."

He walked past me without saying another word.

I couldn't stop myself from asking, even though I knew I shouldn't. "How did it go?"

He stopped and glanced back at me. "How do you think it went?"

"I'm sorry," I said.

"No you're not," he spat.

"I..." I trailed off and shut my mouth. "I'm sorry you got hurt."

He turned around to face me fully. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

I didn't answer.

He shook his head and sighed heavily. "Congratulations. You won without even trying, like you always do."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, my tone rising.

"Every single one of those girls you dated really cared about you. They sought you out and you didn't have to lift a finger. They cared about you and you just threw every one of them away. You have no idea what I would give to have any one of those girls look at me the way they looked at you, but no. You had to fall in love with the one girl I wanted!" He balled his hands into fists.

"You think I wanted to?" I took a step towards him and placed my hand on my chest. "Do you think I planned it this way? I didn't do it just to screw you over. I warned you this would happen. I told you in the beginning that she wasn't going to love you. That she wasn't going to love anyone."

He gritted his teeth. "If that's true, then what are you doing? Why do you act the way you do?"

"She needs a friend. I want to help her."

He half laughed. "Friend? You don't act like her friend. All that flirting you do, or how close you sit to her. She sleeps in your bed for God's sake." He shook his head. "You do not want to be her friend. So what do you want?"

"To save her," I said.

"I thought so. I bet you think you're the only one who can do it too." He spit the words like venom. "I bet you think that I don't stand a chance. That you're the only one who truly knows who she is."

I shook my head.

"Admit it." He stepped towards me, closing the gap between us. "Admit it, or I will never speak to you again."

I looked down and hesitated before nodding. "I do."

"What is it you think you have that I don't?" He asked in a low voice. "What is this deep connection that you and Saki share that I know nothing about? What is it about her that you love so much that I couldn't possibly understand?"

I stared at him silently.

He sighed and shook his head. "Don't kid yourself, Kaito. You want her to love you just as badly as I did." He turned away from me. "Forget this. I'm going home."

I watched him march away, disappearing into the cold darkness.

It was well past three in the morning when I finally got home and into bed. I lay wide awake staring at the ceiling. What a mess I had made. I sighed and wrapped my arms around my face. Why didn't I just answer him? It's not that I didn't know why I loved her. I knew exactly. I just couldn't say the words out loud.

People are kind. They make you laugh. They comfort you. They are trustworthy. They make you feel like you're the only one. Those are normal reasons someone might love another person, and while Saki might fit some of those categories, those were not the reasons I loved her. My reasons were far more selfish, dark, twisted.

I loved her because she was just as lonely as I was, because she depended on me, even if she would never admit it, because she saw how broken I was immediately and didn't turn away, because she saved me, because I wanted to save her, because we had the same eyes.

The front door opened. I usually wasn't awake to hear her come in, but this time I listened to every movement she made, ever step she took up the stairs, the careful way she opened the door to my room. I waited silent and still while she got changed and crawled into bed next to me. I rolled over and stared at her for a long time.

Why did she have to come now? Why did she have to come when I was feeling so terrible and thinking about her so hard? My heartbeat quickened and I felt selfish desires building up inside me. They grew and grew, until they threatened to spill out of every pore in my body. I couldn't stand it another second.

"Saki," I said.

"Hm?" she answered, half asleep already.

"Come here," I whispered.

"What?" she asked, her voice sounding a little more awake.

"Come here," I repeated.

She rolled over and stared at me. "Are you drunk or something?"

I slid one arm under her shoulder and around her back, wrapping the other over her waist, pulling her against me. I nestled her head against my collar bone, placing my face against the top of her head, breathing in the orange jasmine scent of her hair.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Solving this masochist thing once and for all," I said.

She laughed quietly. "Sounds serious."

"It is." I closed my eyes.

"So? What's your verdict?" she whispered.

"Not sure," I said.

"How do you feel?"

Warm. Safe. Happy. Wanted. The best I've ever felt.

"Pretty good," I answered.

"Not aroused?" she asked.

I smiled and buried my face deeper into her hair. "Only slightly, but I think that might just be your breath on my neck."

She giggled. "I guess you're probably safe then."

"Seems so."

"Glad to help." She started to pull away.

I gripped her tighter. "That doesn't mean you can leave."

She sighed. "You're an idiot."

"I know."