The final term started. No Saki. Not the first day. Not the second day. Not the third or the forth. I tried the abandoned apartment building that she was so fond of; No Saki. My anxiety worsened. I was missing something, something big, something pivotal.

What was it about the start of the spring and winter terms that made Saki skip school every time? It is true that Saki missed quite a bit of school, but she had been getting increasingly better since we started hanging out.

Last winter, I was sure it was because I had crossed a line and done something stupid by holding her. I had screwed up again, but this time I'd seen her after that. She wasn't mad and she didn't avoid me. For that matter, none of my behavior explained the spring term either.

I could hardly concentrate on anything by the end of Thursday. When the first bell sounded on Friday and Saki wasn't in her seat, I decided something had to be done. I was going to break the very first rule Saki had ever given me. I was going to go to her house.

After home room ended, before the first period teacher had time to make it to the classroom, I got up to leave.

Hiromasa grabbed my arm. "Where are you going?"

"To find Saki," I said firmly.

He released my arm, looking a little worried as he did. "Good luck."

I went to Sayoko's homeroom and knocked on the door. A bewildered looking girl, who I assume was the class rep, answered it.

"I need to talk to Sayoko," I told her.

She let out an aggravated sigh. "This isn't lunch period, you know? Go back to class. If you want to talk to your girlfriend, come back later."

She started to shut the door shut, but I caught it and pushed it back open.

"What are you..." she started.

"Listen," I said calmly. "I'm going to speak with Sayoko one way or another, so you can either bring her here or I can come in. What will it be?"

The class rep stared at me in silent anger for a few moments before letting out another sigh. "Sayoko, your boyfriend is here."

Sayoko came to the door looking understandably confused. "What are you doing here? Class is about to start."

"I need Saki's address," I said, not wasting any time.

Sayoko nodded knowingly, her face softening. "So, it's come to that, huh?"

She went to the teacher's podium, ripped a corner off a piece of paper, and returned to the door.

"I obviously haven't been to see her in a while." She held the paper against the door frame and started writing. "But I'm sure she still lives in the same place. Her mother wouldn't want to leave." She handed me the paper.

"Thanks." I took it and glanced at the address before putting it in my pocket.

"Just be careful," Sayoko warned.

"Of her mother?" I asked.

"Of Saki," she said.

I caught a train headed towards Saki's stop, fidgeting and tapping my foot the entire way there, which earned me few stares from the other passengers, but I really didn't care. The damn thing just wasn't moving fast enough. I had to constantly remind myself that even though it felt like I was sitting still the train was faster than walking.

As soon as I arrived, I hurriedly made my way off the train and onto the sidewalk. I pulled Sayoko's note out a final time to make sure I'd read it right and then started walking hurriedly towards Saki's apartment. There really wasn't any guarantee she'd be there at all, but I had to try. If she wasn't there, I was going to search until I found her, or until I passed out, whichever came first.

I'm not sure why, but I suddenly felt this sinking feeling in my stomach. Maybe it was just the anxiety finally taking its full hold, or maybe it was the look Sayoko gave me before I left. For whatever reason, I started to run. I ran until my sides burned and my lungs felt like they might burst, and then I ran some more. I sprinted up the stairs to Saki's apartment and I didn't stop running until I was standing in front of her door.

I stood staring ahead at the black apartment numbers. My heart was pounding from running. What was I going to say? Who was even going to answer the door? What was waiting inside? I swallowed hard and raised my hand to knock, but the sound of someone screaming inside made me freeze.

"Don't you dare sit there with that look on your face! You have no right to look that way! If it weren't for you, he'd still be sitting right here." The yelling turned into sobbing. "Don't touch me! Get away." Something smashed inside the apartment.

I reached for the doorknob, but the door flew open, causing me to jump back.

"I'm going out," the woman in the doorway hollered back into the apartment. "You had better not be here when I get back." She turned forward and her eyes fell on me. "Who the hell are you?"

There was no doubt that this woman was Saki's mother. I could pick out Saki's facial features on her face, but they looked all wrong. Her eyes were red with large dark bags under them, sunken cheeks, lips that were horribly chapped. This was not brought on by mere age. No, this was clearly the result of many years spent in anguish.

"I'm talking to you, you little shit," the woman spat.

"No one." I put my head down and stepped back further. "I was just passing through."

She clicked her tongue and let the door slam shut. I waited for her to descend the stairs before trying the door. It was unlocked. I let out a deep breath and stepped inside, letting the door slowly close behind me.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up immediately. It was dark. There weren't any lights on and the majority of natural light was being blocked out by thick curtains. I was standing in the living room that was filled with clutter. Dirty plates and take out containers littered the coffee table and the kitchen counter. I couldn't quite place the smell. Old food? Mold?

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I started to slowly make my way through the living room, my heart pounding in my ears. Something cracked under my foot, a broken plate. Was that the smashing sound from earlier?

A scream made me jerk my head up and quicken my pace through the house. I stopped at a bedroom with the door ajar. The yelling continued, followed by a loud bang. I quietly slipped into the room, but remained by the doorway.

Saki stood in the corner of the bare bones room with a bat above her head. She brought it down again and again onto a thick wooden dresser screaming all the while. Pieces of wood splintered from the dresser as she continued to hit it. Her wordless screams were so angry, tormented, primal. She went on for several minutes that way until her swings became weaker. She stepped back from the dresser hunched over and panting.

Her vision darted to doorway, as if she'd just noticed I was there.

"You," she growled.

Any fire I saw in her eyes before was merely the flicker of a candle compared to the burning inferno I saw in them now. She dropped the bat and flew across the room, seizing me by the throat and pushing me painfully against the doorframe. My hands gripped her wrist as a reaction, but I didn't attempt to pry her hand away. I found breathing difficult, but not impossible. She wasn't squeezing as hard as she could have been.

"I thought I told you never to come here," she said in a low voice that reeked of alcohol.

"I'm sorry," I managed to choke out.

Sorry I didn't come sooner. Sorry I didn't realize how bad it really was. Sorry I failed you. Sorry I couldn't have been better. Sorry you had to live like this.

Saki, I am so very sorry.

She released my throat and stepped away from me. I coughed and took a few deep breaths while I rubbed my neck.

“Get out,” she said flatly.

“You know I can’t do that now,” I said quietly. “It’s too far beyond that.”

She hesitated for a minute before smirking. “Fine. Let’s get this over with.”

I had no idea what she was talking about, but I followed her anyway. I felt detached from my own body, like I was watching myself in a dream. I'd known her mother and her life at home must have been terrible, but knowing and experiencing it firsthand are two very different things. It stunned me how ignorant and unprepared I was to see the horrors of her life up close.

She led me to a small room at the end of a short hallway. I followed her in and stopped in the dead center. The room was immaculately kept, not a spot of dust in site. It was the complete opposite of the rest of the house. Against the back wall, there sat a small wooden cabinet. Inside, behind the candles and the incense, there was a portrait of a boy who looked only a couple of years younger than me. My heart sunk.

"That's my brother, Matsuo. He would have been twenty-two three days ago." She was leaning against the wall with her head down. Her hair hid her face as she spoke. "We used to be your picture perfect family, so close and loving it would make you vomit. It was my first day of middle school. Matsuo came to walk me home. I was so damn excited, bouncing around, talking his ear off about the mundane crap that happened that day. He was listening with that silent smile like he always did. I was stupid and wasn't paying a bit of attention. I didn't see the car coming at all. Matsuo sprang forward like the heroic big brother he was, pushing me out of the way and bam!" She smacked her hands together. "Just like that, I shattered that picture perfect family of mine."

My legs trembled underneath me. Spring and winter- the day of his death and the day of his birth.

Save you, Saki? How could I have ever hoped to accomplish something so impossible without knowing the first thing about you or your pain? I am so stupid and weak.

"My father bailed less than a year later. He couldn't stand what my mother had become. About a year after that is when you found me getting ready to throw myself in front of a train. So, now here we are, stuck in this house together, my broken mother and the monster that killed her son." She brought her head up. Her lips spread into a smile, into that dark, sinister smile- the monster's smile. "Honestly, Kaito, you should have let me die."

A terrible, piercing pain ripped through my chest and engulfed my body in agony. I rushed to her and wrapped my arms around her with such force we both stumbled backwards.

"Please, Saki, don't ever say that again." My eyes started to burn and water. "I'd rather you stabbed me in the chest than wish something so terrible."

Her arms came up slowly. She dug her fingers into the back of my shirt and buried her face in my chest. I cradled her head with my hand and squeezed her tighter.

I'm not sure how long we stood in that wordless embrace. I wished for the words to comfort her, but none came. What could I possibly say? I'm here for you? Pathetic. It'll be alright? Bullshit. It's not your fault? Meaningless.

Do you know how long it had been ingrained in her mind that she killed her brother? How long she had blamed herself? How long her mother had fed completely into that lie? No words could reach her now. I was at a complete loss for what to do, so I just kept on holding her.

Finally, she pulled away from me, her eyes sad, but dry as a bone. Maybe she didn't know how to cry anymore.

"Thank you," she said softly.

I nodded numbly.

"You can go now." She turned to walk from the room.

"Come with me," I said, my voice cracking.

She glanced back at me and shook her head. "Not today. It's fine. I just have to make it until graduation. It's just a little longer."

She tried to leave the room, but I rushed in front of her. "I don't mean just for today. Come with me. Stay until graduation. You don't have to live here...in this."

She shook her head again and tried to slip past me.

I thrust my hand against the doorframe, blocking her path. "I'm not leaving here without you. It doesn't have to be my house, but it can't be here. I won't leave you here for another second."

She shrunk back and stared at the ground.

After a minute, she nodded. "Alright."

She packed a few clothes, but she didn't really need that much. Since she had been sleeping on and off at my house for so long, a lot of her stuff was already there. She wrote a note telling her mother that she was staying with a friend and left my number.

"This is important," Saki said, placing the pen on the note to hold it in place. "She will call you and ask for me. She will sound sweet and convincing, but you can't let me come back here." She locked eyes with me. "If I do, I won't have the strength to leave again."

I understood the severity in her voice, but it was entirely unnecessary. I would have done everything in my power to keep her from that hell.

She didn't say much after that, not on the train ride home, and not afterword, while we were sitting on my bed watching TV. I had offered her every comfort I could think of, a hot bath, anything she wanted to eat, I even said she could smash my whole room to bits if she wanted to. She refused all of those things, so we just sat quietly watching TV.

We spent most of the day in near silence. She'd hardly eaten anything and barely moved at all. I sat still, but my mind was racing. I watched her sitting against the wall, her legs hugged into her chest. Why wouldn't she scream, break things, call me an idiot? What could I do to help her? I didn't know what to do when she went quiet.

She turned her head looked at me. I'd seen that look once before. My heartbeat quickened. She slowly scooted closer and locked her lips with mine. I tried to keep still, not to let myself get carried away like last time, but that didn't stop me from kissing her back.

The kisses got deeper. I had to concentrate harder on not letting my desires get the better of me. She swung her leg over mine and straddled my lap. My hands flew to her waist automatically, but I forced myself to stop them there. Fingers grazed bare skin. It felt so unfair.

Her lips started making their way up my neck.

"I thought you said this was a bad idea," I said quietly.

"It is," she whispered.

"Then why are you torturing me?" My hands stopped listening to reason.

She put her lips against my ear. "Does this feel like torture to you?"

A pleasurable chill ran up my spine. "It will when you make me stop."

"Idiot, I don't want you to stop."