I hate that feeling when you're on an airplane and your ears are plugged and you have to make dying fish movements with your mouth to pop your ears. I think it's something to do with the difference in air pressure. Whatever it is, that's what I felt after hearing those four words which would change my life forever.

"Welcome to the Funnel!"

It was dark. There must have been a power outage. One downside to streaming was that I had to block out all outside light in my bedroom or I was backlit. There was this one street light outside our apartment that constantly shone in my window at an angle that made me look like a hideous beast -- or so said the rando that dropped in my channel just to troll and insult me. After that I used thick drapes over my windows to block out light.

"Oh man!" Of course there was a power outage in the middle of an attempt. I hoped to hell that we could get back into the game before the group either wiped or killed the boss.

I pushed back my chair as I stood. "Suze! Do you have power?" I called out. No response. I stumbled a bit in the dark toward the doorway of my room. "Where is the breaker?"

I've been in that apartment for about a year. Suze had allowed me to move into the second bedroom in her apartment just after Matt dumped me. She also invited me to join the Late Night Crew instead of getting benched from the B Team.

Honestly, there had been lots of power outages of late. What with the heat wave and everyone running their AC all day. Plus my new rig set up with all the RGB paraphernalia I bought, well ever since the new update it seemed to draw way more power than it should. I hadn't figured out why.

Where was my cellphone? I touched my back pockets and then felt in the front kangaroo pocket of my hoodie. Nope. I must have left it on the desk somewhere.

I reached forward to grab the phone off the desk. Where I typically had my phone on the charger, it wasn't there. I probably forgot it in the bathroom.

Where was the light? I tsked in annoyance.

With a soft fppthisss, a round golf ball-sized ball of light glowed on just in front of my face. Finally.

You have learned Cantrip: Minor Globe of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 10 seconds at this level of the spell.

The voice that said that spiel echoed in my head and it sounded suspiciously like the computer voice in the Star Trek. What was her name? The one who played Lwaxana. Oh well, it didn't matter. The point was, it was exactly like her voice.

I blinked. The glowing light hovered about my face and then poofed out of existence.

"Salutations Funneler and welcome! Your raid has succeeded in being the first to be chosen to experience the Funnel of Madness. I am Nigel Montgomery, Bard Class Fifth Tier, Royal Voice of Infundi for this the first Annual Outsourced Funnel!" There was the sound of applause that was very much like a terrible 90s sitcom audience.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

I couldn't see anything. Where was the sound coming from?

"Hey Suze! Can you turn that thing off?" I yelled as I turned around in a circle and then stumbled in the dark trying to find the edge of my desk.

"Suze! Hey Suze!" I turned by head this way and that, but couldn't see anything. A kernel of panic nestled itself within my mind and I could feel the full-blown panic attack about to bloom. Suze was bombastic and loud. She should be swearing up a storm and stomping her way to fix the power outage.

I stumbled as my foot hit the edge of the futon I used for a bed. Now, I'd done that plenty of times before, but this time it hurt like a sonofabitch.

The voice, that old timey radio man's voice, spoke again. "Thank you. Thank you. Now, we understand that many of you are ill-equipped for this experience. That is an unfortunate side effect of our new recruitment galdr, however, this first level of the dungeon typically is full of low level gear and minor magic items that will help you level up whichever class you do choose to grow."

Galder? Dungeon? Magic items? I touched my head. Did the excitement of watching Matt's fight, getting to the last boss, and then having to tank heal cause some kind of embolism and now I was in a coma? Wait. Was I dead?

"This greeting has been woven into the fabric of the teleportation spell so it can be extra long and allow me to explain some things that are typically taught to our usual Funnelers. Periodically, spells-willing, you will hear my dulcet tones again to announce the standings and explain each level of the dungeon to you."

"There is a timed component to the Funnel. This first floor is around for a tenday. Even if you have not levelled or picked a class by then, you will automatically portal to the second floor of the dungeon. Please try and find a class as you will be behind the others and be more likely to uhh... not make it to the third level." He laughed uproariously as if that meant something.

"Everything you find is yours. Anything might be useful. You never know! The first floor will be a learning experience, but you can still die."

Can still die? With sudden clarity, I touched my fingers to the pulse point in my neck and counted. Despite the panic speeding up my heart rate, I definitely did have a pulse.

"So be careful! Since none of you already have classes, this will be a unique opportunity. If only we could communicate back with you. Alas, that is the way of the Funnel of Madness." The canned audience then let out a dejected aww sound.

The panic attack was coming. I could feel it rising. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the panic energy flowing out from my body and through my feet into the floor. I tried not to fight the urge to hyperventilate. Instead I took long, staggering breaths.

The voice was still going on and on. I tried to listen while also breathing and transferring the energy to my feet and out into the world.

"I know. I know. But! And this is an important but! Periodically you will find marked chests bearing the crest of the Infundi Marketplace on them. We ask that you place items that no longer have value to you within them. In exchange, you will find items that will be useful for your excursion into the Funnel. Healing potions, food, water, bandages. The more you send us, the more we supply! Win! Win!"

"Now, as another one of you have probably discovered by now, the Funnel typically starts you off in a precarious location and in total darkness. I suggest finding a light!"

I felt the moment where the panic just released. The tightness in my body ceased. A calm broke over me.

You have learned ability: Calming breath. Requires concentration.

"Good luck to you all! Happy leveling and Funnelers! And remember; you can't spell Funnel without Fun!"