William tried to calm himself. He closed his eyes, and said a silent prayer to his goddess the moon for protection and help.
William tried to draw into himself, to reach the void once again. The sound of his heartbeat was loud in his ears. He took a deep breath and let it out but his heart was still impossibly loud in his ears.
Heart, faith, and courage.
He held on to those words as a litany against failure. The dark that was afforded him by his shut eyelids was very thin and it seemed that the light emanating from the room itself was, at any moment, going to breach the fragile dark he was trying to surround himself in. He tried to ignore the fact that he could feel the air around him and the hair on his spine was still standing on end. He could feel Ares’ closeness to him and that was adding to his sense of unease. And if that wasn’t enough, the faint scent of hair oil left behind by the Elder was a distraction that filled his mind with images of almond shaped eyes, almost black, set perfectly in a deep mocha skin face, framed by thick black hair.
“What is the problem, pup?” Ares voice cut through his concentration and the fragile dark was shattered as he opened his eyes once more in failure. Ares was still standing in the middle of the room in his relaxed prepared posture. To William though, Ares seemed diminished somehow. His teacher took up less of the room, as if part of his teacher’s body had collapsed in on itself. “Why do you seek death, pup? Is it so distasteful to you, your natural form that you would rather die than change back?”
William had never seen his teacher, or any other werewolf look so tired before. In his few days of being conscious in the City under the Mountain, Ares had been the ideal of werewolf strength and fortitude. William had never seen him yawn or look fatigued in any way. Ares’ movements had all the practiced grace of a dancer and his eight-foot-tall body had exhumed strength, as if he could see it wafting off him like steam. Now, however all that strength was gone and Ares looked very old and very tired. William understood that it was his failure that Ares didn’t know how to deal with.
William wanted to say something, but he knew that nothing he could say would bring peace to the older werewolf. For the first time in William’s life, he saw wolf’s eyes that were listless and almost empty. Ares seemed to be preparing for a great pain or disappointment. The look sent fresh chills down his hot back and William had to fight the urge to shiver. A thought rocked William once more.
I’m going to die.
He had failed the test and Ares was preparing to do what he had to do to protect the City under the Mountain.
“I will do what I have to do, William. But I have never given up on any of my students and I am not going to give up on you.” Ares’ voice was barely audible over the loud heartbeat in his ears. “I have lost one student and I don’t mean to lose another. We both know you can change back to your human self. All that is missing is your will to do so.”
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William thought back to the forest two days ago. What had ultimately gotten him back to his human form? His eyes widened as the realization struck him, my other. He closed his eyes and breathed in a deep breath. He tried to ignore everything that was happening around him. His breathing was heavy and relaxed and the darkness closed down around him like a blanket. Thoughts of death and failure were loud in his mind but he pushed them aside. He was safe and everything was right with the world. Mentally he called out to his other.
William waited for moments that turned into minutes. He called out again and again into the darkness of his mind. The only thing that answered him was the faintest whisper that seemed to just brush against his awareness. He opened his eyes once again in resignation. He shook his head at the impossible notion that what had answered him was not a voice or a presence but something just this side of maniacal laughter.
William saw the reaction of his teacher. Ares shook his head and opened his mouth as if he too were going to laugh. William didn’t know what to do.
“Ares, help me.” William tried to hide the desperation in his voice, but he could hear it echoed back to him from his own voice and the walls of the room, the voice of a scared child.
Ares had his own eyes closed. He stood very still. For a moment William thought that he wasn’t going to answer him. Just when he thought that Ares had ignored him, his teacher spoke. “William, you sound like a child.”
Ares’ posture was slouched somehow as if his legs and torso no longer possessed the strength to hold his massive weight upright. Ares covered the distance between the two of them impossibly fast. Ares gripped William’s wolf claw in his own massive one, the brown fur of Ares engulfing the tan and black fur of William’s.
“Do you want me to hold your hand, William? Do you want me to lead you along and show you how everything is done and then do it for you?” Ares golden eyes were deep emotionless wells, cold and unforgiving. There was not a trace of anger in them, only resignation and an emotion that he couldn’t place. “I can’t do that, William.” Ares pushed William’s claw down, the inertia pushing it back uncomfortably behind the natural rotation of his arm. “No one can. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.”
Ares turned his back on his student. William didn’t know what to say or do. Was his teacher giving up on him? The memory of what Huan Li had said about him and what his possible fate might be if he couldn’t control the animal side of him rose uncomfortably to the forefront of his consciousness.
“I don’t want to die,” he said to the deep stillness. It was barely above a whisper, but he knew that Ares heard it.
Ares raised his head and there was a pure passion there that scared William. Seeing raw unfiltered emotion in his teacher’s eyes was far worse than anything he could have imagined. William realized that he had taken a step back away from his teacher.
“Then prove it.”
Ares full size filled the room and his body had shaken off all signs of fatigue from moments before. Standing in front of him, William understood why Ares was the protector of the Mountain and he deserved all the respect that his namesake demanded.
“Heart, faith, courage, that is all you need. That’s all you’ve ever needed. It’s time to ask yourself what you believe, what is worth fighting for?” Ares took a step toward the smaller werewolf, engulfing even more of his field of vision. “Who are you?”