They all gathered around outside the building very quickly and said their goodbyes for the night. The pack scattered, Aiman going to the left down the street while Mary and Malikah went another direction. Tara waved goodbye to him and went off in even another direction. William looked around and found that Acharya was still there. William wasn’t quite sure why he had hung back. “Did you want something?” He tried to make it sound as polite as possible but even as the words left his lips, he knew that he had sounded rude.
Acharya smiled and took a step toward him. “I did mention that I would explain something to you later, didn’t I?”
William thought about what this alpha was saying. He couldn’t pinpoint anything in his memory that suggested Acharya had promised him any such thing.
“Well, if you can’t remember its ok. I know you were heavily engrossed with memories of the good old days with Disney,” he said this last with a smile and William couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed. He was a grown man after all and he had forgotten something important because he had been preoccupied with Disney.
Acharya said, “Our Tracker, Malikah has had work done, I’m sure you’ve noticed.” William nodded that he had. “The reason Malikah has those implants is because she had them put in before she was reborn. She can’t see herself any other way.” William nodded dumbly not quite grasping the concept. Acharya took a deep breath and lifted his head to great cavern ceiling. He heaved a big sigh and started again. “Do you remember what I was telling you about self-image?” William nodded. “OK, well her self-image is bound so tightly to how she appears now that it would be inherently dangerous for us to take them out, it would change the way she looked and how she saw herself. Without those, psychologically she would lose the strong image of herself that she keeps with her in both her conscience and subconscious.”
William was beginning to get the point. “And if she were to have them removed her self-image would be splintered and she would run the risk of losing herself to our bestial nature and would have to be put down.”
Acharya nodded. “Yes.”
“But why is it such a big deal?” William was still confused. “Why don’t you just leave them in? I mean it’s not like they are any extra burden on her, are they?”
Acharya shook his head. “William, if you only knew the excruciating pain that she feels every time she transforms you would want just as much as I, and every other member of our pack, to have them removed. But because of her self-image and her safety, we dare not too.” Acharya walked around William for three steps and looking down the street where Malikah had walked off a moment before. He said, not turning around, “Do you know how long we’ve been shape shifters?” William could only shake his head. “We have been able to shift between forms freely for a year and half and in all that time we have only just now convinced her to let the dye in her hair be allowed to be grown and washed out.”
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Acharya looked up out of the corner of his eye. “It’s a delicate balancing act and ultimately the decision has to be hers. As her alpha I will support her in any decision she makes. But I’ve taken up enough of your time. I’m sorry, William. You have enough to worry about.” He straightened himself and turned. “I’ll see you around.” He raised his hand in farewell and walked off down the street.
Self-Image? He thought about that a lot as he walked back to his room. The light from the ceiling crystals were dimmed, almost subdued. The effect was subtle, and he found himself admiring the gentle light. It was like he was walking down a lit street under the stars. He could be walking back to his home after a long day at school or after a long practice on the track. The troubling turn of events of the night kept his mind working. The magic of the night was completely lost on him. His mind kept coming back to the singular topic of Acharya’s lecture.
As he walked, he let his mind go as far out as it would. He allowed his mind to connect the cause-and-effect dots that led him here, what had taken place in the city, and what Acharya had just told him about self-image. All of this was connected with him. What was his self-image? Did he have one? Why did he lose control when he changed?
The idea that he didn’t have a strong idea of who he was, was disturbing at best. But I know who I am, don’t I? He had left his world to go live by himself in his forest because he would not live like everyone else. Didn’t that say something about who he was and how he saw himself?
The thought came unbidden to his mind. Just when he was sure that self-image had nothing to do with him losing control when he changed in the underground lake, the thought rose to his mind. Maybe the idea of self-image is not enough. Maybe Acharya is wrong. The alpha of his pack seemed very confident in his stance. But what if being able to control who and what you are was something more …spiritual?
He came to the building that housed his bare apartment. As he climbed the ramp up to the entryway the same words kept whispering through his mind, belief and faith. What did he believe in? Did he have faith in anybody or anything? He trusted some people. He trusted Aceso, he trusted Ares, but trust wasn’t the same thing as faith. The thought that he had lost something so basic to human nature as faith in something, anything, was troubling. Is that why I seem to be the only being in this city that has this second consciousness buried in my brain? With his brain working on the emotional dilemma that he now found himself in he almost walked past the gaping opening that was the entryway to his room. Halting and turning into the entryway he stopped with his foot raised in mid step.
Standing in his room in a very relaxed posture was a large brown wolf. The wolf stood with his mouth closed and piercing eyes locked on William. There was no hatred or violence in those eyes, not yet, and William had no intention of provoking the animal to action. He moved his raised leg backwards and shifted the weight to that back leg. In a very easy but slow motion he shifted his front leg back behind the other and shifted his weight with it once it was placed on the firm obsidian stone. He kept his eyes locked and focused at just below the wolf’s snout. He wasn’t a threat and he wasn’t going to provoke the animal into thinking that he was challenging it.