Will my words ever reach anyone? Will these thoughts ever reach out to someone? What exactly are those thoughts I’m thinking about?
The answer is I don’t know.
These thoughts have been circulating inside my head for the past two days as I curl up in the bed, covering myself with the coat King Cuh gave me. His smell still lingers but gradually, it mixes with mine. I savor the warmth that it provides all the while staring at anywhere in a daze.
I don’t know what to feel. All the emotions I cultivated from the past days are all flushed to drain. My heart feels empty and I feel so lethargic. It’s been yesterday since I last ate since I cannot muster any motivation to eat the food that they served me.
I’ve been left with nothing in my life for a long time that I don’t know the emotion of losing someone. I’ve been alone for so long that this feeling is not foreign to me, however, together with this regressing psychological mindset is the fleeting feeling of longing. It was a first time for me to be this attached to an object given to me by someone else.
Together in my cradle is the weave Yggdrasil roots given to me by Domhan and the warm vial that Doiteain sent me. The question of where and why keeps spinning inside my head. Where did everything go wrong? Why did it have to happen to them and not just me?
No…can I even do something about it?
My chest tightens as this feeling once again comes to me. I don’t know any more about what’s happening to me. I feel like I am a mess and I cannot think properly. I cannot even correctly assess my own emotions.
I have no more control of myself.
“Lady Aster, Elder Iarann has come!” The guard outside my room called out in a rather anxious voice. To her calling, the door opens without even my confirmation and there, Elder Iarann appears in the doorway with his ever stern countenance.
“O’ Divine Beast, I have come in your presence.” Elder Iarann gave a deep bow before looking at me in the eyes with a stillness that forgoes his usual demeanor.
His words ended in an abrupt manner as he grimly closes the door behind him. The slowly creaking door reverberates inside the room, intensifying the manner in which Elder Iarann wanted to speak of. I withheld my breath, looking forward to the news contradictory to what I’ve heard initially.
Elder Iarann’s countenance is painted with undiscernible gloom and the spark in his eyes that I initially met was now dimming. His eyes are ridden with bags and folds that stare at me in silence while I look back with an eye unending hope.
“Dropping the formality, Aster, I would like you to receive this.” Elder Iarann took out a letter; nay, a simple crumpled paper with bloodstains. It seems Elder Iarann took the liberty of folding it twofold before giving it to me.
“…” I stare at the letter dumbfounded, wondering whose blood it is and why it wasn’t properly written in a flat sheet. No, in reality, there are facts that my mind are trying to deny, gripping on a falling, crumbling, hope.
“Take it. This might be the last moment you’d see his words.” Elder Iarann gently said as he places the latter in front of me. I grasp my hand on my chest, feeling the weight of opening the letter and the meaning behind it.
Because of Elder Iarann’s beckoning, I grasp the letter placed in front of me with trembling hands. The letter lingers with his scent and I can feel the dried up blood on the parchment. I am hopeful despite having the knowledge of what’s real.
I unfurled the letter, with halted breath and read in a soft and quiet voice.
“I love you…” Those are the only words written in here in blood. It was like a last dying will that was shabbily written with a fingertip.
In which direction should I sway my emotions? This emotion that trickles down in my heart drains to nothing and replaced by a cold shivering lifelessness. Is it due to my current situation or is it due to my nature?
How do I proceed after this? Do I go to the direction of someone who weeps for the sake of it or does I stay still in my place? Only confusion abides and the emotion inside me are stirred to a direction unfathomable for my emotional capacity.
Before I can conclude my feelings for King Cuh Rux, the person himself dies. What am I supposed to feel about it? I could never ever fake an emotion but I could not even generate the correct one at most crucial times. The proof of that is my current thoughts circulating inside my head. There should be no hesitation and yet, my brain works abnormally calm or so what I think.
The superego far surpasses the instinct of the id and that is something comforting for me to hear but at the same time…I know…it twists some logic in me.
“Aster, we have leeway for preparations so brace in hours or so. You will be leaving Tirrheaarn immediately.” Elder Iarann said as he left me on my own devices, shutting the door as he leaves in my presence. His voice was tinged with urgency but it was mostly concerned and anxious.
I still want to ask what happened to Domhan and Doiteain. Regarding Cuh’s assassination, I couldn’t open my mouth about it. I couldn’t even open my heart to take any words regarding it.
Regardless of what I feel, the situation now has taken a new turn. Gazing from left to right of my room, there was nothing here that mine, to begin with. I could think of anything that I can bring along other than the elders gave me.
“I love you…?” I repeated those cheeky words written in the letter as I unfurl the crumpled parchment again. My fixated gaze felt a little moist but I couldn’t comprehend why.
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“Is that all the things that you have?” Elder Iarann asked with knitted brows. Upon his questioning gaze, I nodded knowingly as I hug the leather bag tightly. Hovering over my shoulders is the coat that became dearly attached with me.
“Lady Aster, please hold on to me tightly.” The one who said that was the same woman who is guarding my room. She is now my esteemed escort for my supposed escape on a horseback with three other more escorts clad in leather armor.
It is as Elder Iarann said, I am only lightly dressed in only the coat hovering over a mantle to cover my ears and tail. After that, the content of the leather bag are the things that the elders gave me and the parchment. Aside from that, a gourd of fresh water hangs on my belt and I have a backpack that contains food for traveling.
The one carrying the spare clothes for me is my escort along with the bulkier amount of foods. It was the same as the other escorts along with their weapons such as mace and spear. To carry around a standard iron sword would be nothing but a burden for the horses. Even the saddles the horses are wearing are light and comfortable.
My escort, the lady knight, is only carrying a single iron dagger on her belt. It seems she purposely chose this weapon as she will ride the horse with someone like me.
“Coiffe, I leave Aster in your care. Make sure to reach the Kingdom of Ecklan in a week.” Elder Iarann said as he bows towards us, specifically me, before finally sending us off.
“It shall be done, Elder! Until then…please survive.” Coiffe bows back before reigning the horse forward.
As the horses started galloping in the wake of the land, I find myself tightly clinging to the lady knight, Coiffe, with clench fist grasping on her clothes. I could do nothing but bury my face on her back as we move forward throughout the forest’s path leading to the Kingdom of Ecklan.
The thundering sounds of the hooves are rhythmically blending with the surrounding but nonetheless, still stood out. Even with the saddle underneath our rear, the constant bump could not be contained and I struggle to keep myself in place.
I am certain that while I am as light as a breeze, it is also the reason why my body can easily fall off this ride. While I’m on the subject, my hands also feel numb from trying to cling on Coiffe. Easily noticing my ever weak grasp, Coiffe halted everyone with a hand signal.
“Commander, what’s wrong?!” One of the escorts called out to Coiffe referring to her in an important position within the military ranks.
“It’s nothing. I shall be done in a moment.” Coiffe assured her subordinates with a slightly stern voice. After that, she immediately hovers her arms on me and effortlessly lifts me.
“…Ah?” I leak out a surprised voice as she single-handedly lifted me. Even I was surprised at how really light I am.
“It’s better if you are here, my lady. I assure you that it is more comfortable and you can sleep by leaning on my bosom.” Coiffe repositioned our positions and she places me in front of her. My smaller, petite body casually fits within the confines of her outstretched arms and my body tussles without issue against her body. “Let’s move on.” Coiffe said as she starts commanding her horse again.
It changes everything from my struggles earlier to a comfortable and relaxing ride. Coiffe’s body is sturdy enough to hold my weight. No, I am pretty certain that my weight didn’t even matter to her. She wasn’t as tall as any of the Elders, however, compared to me, she as might as well be called tall.
“My lady, you can sleep if you desire.” Coiffe said without looking at me, however, in her voice is a hint of gentle and tenderness of one who cares.
“Do I strike you as someone who always sleeps?” I conjured a sharp question despite the light tone that she gave.
“My lady does need a lot of sleep to grow.” Coiffe said lightheartedly which gains me a frown on my lips. It was not from the comment Coiffe said but the fact that I really did nothing but sleep. Whether intentional or not, it was shameful behavior for someone who yearns for a purpose.
“I am…it was something I didn’t want…” Those are the only words that escaped softly from my lips.
“…Lady Aster, don’t push yourself too hard.” Coiffe seems to have caught my words and tried sending words of comfort, however, I didn’t really do much. The image of King Cuh’s smile flashed in my head whenever I try forgetting these woes.
“I want to know what happened to King Cuh and to the Elders. Do you happen to know?” I asked Coiffe.
“It was horrible…still do you want to hear about it, Lady?” Coiffe’s voice was strained when she asked me, nevertheless, I nodded.
It is as Coiffe said, the story goes horribly.
As the Gaul army rendezvous with the front and rear forces, King Cuh and Doiteain fiercely push the Empire’s army back despite the disadvantage of the land in a single day. Since invading five days ago, the Empire’s army was clearly exhausted from their siege, thus, an opening for the Gauls to fight back.
King Cuh’s army gained the advantage by pulling their armies back a little then after a day as they regain their use of the Faes.
Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.
However, everything was greatly staged by the Empire.
The force of the Empire in the front line was nowhere near half of their total army units. Despite being aware of that fact, the Gauls became careless.
The Empire divided a huge portion of its force and sent it to Tirrheaarn’s western border where Domhan went. The Western Fort wasn’t just heavily sieged, it was burned to ash by the Empire’s army. Domhan tried to hold off the army together with all the soldiers there but they are beaten through sheer numbers.
It was reported that Domhan dies after taking so much wound. Domhan bled to death while fighting…
As the western fort fell, the Empire started pressing in the zone. Doiteain and King Cuh, fighting side by side, found themselves pressured by the sudden surge of the Empire’s reinforcement, however, it was not enough to shake the Gauls as the two icon of the Kingdom kept the morale burning.
But everything went downhill when they are about to engage in their final battle with the Empire to push them back.
“I can’t believe what I heard too from Elder Iarann. One of King Cuh’s trusted aides, one of his generals…stabbed him from the back. It was treason beyond forgiveness…” Coiffe utter those words with detest and bitterness.
“……” I could not speak out my mind. There was nothing to speak about. Knowing how King Cuh died won’t change anything; won’t make me feel better about anything. The emotion welling up inside my chest was nothing but suffocating sadness.
“As the people around saw that King Cuh fell at the hand of a comrade, everyone’s morale instantly took a hit and the Empire was able to push the Gauls. Elder Doiteain immediately sounded the retreat signal, however, there wasn’t enough time so she stayed behind and fought the stream of enemies until she got captured.” Coiffe continued. I cannot see her face but I can feel the utter disgust in her tone as she speaks of King Cuh’s plight at the hand of the supposed traitor.
“To meet his end like that…” I could not imagine how much anguish does King Cuh’s people are feeling right now. Compared to them that has been following and serving him for a long period of time, I’ve only been here for weeks.
“Betrayal is the most dastardly things one could do in the honor of Urst! Once a Gaul pledges his oath under the directive of the king, he should uphold it to the utmost.” Coiffe spat those words as if she was cursing.
There was nothing I could say to ease her or any of the people who serve King Cuh loyally. The emptiness filling my heart earlier felt deeper and I can see my mind looking at the far hollow of the problem shivering and daunting.
If I cry, it won’t change anything. After all, weeping has never been an escape for me; never been I’m fond as its something I cannot do upon the disappearance of one or two people.
It has never been like that…
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It’s been a whole day since we left the Tirheaarn Castle and Coiffe together with her unit are still escorting me towards the Kingdom of Ecklan. We have to stop by on a village since it rained in the afternoon. They said they cannot risk my health which is part of their mission and they made a prompt halt for me.
As soon as dawn came, we left the village. It was a rundown village but still, it was able to provide for our needs. I don’t know how they did their rotations for guarding duty but I can see that Coiffe was the most tired of them all.
“Have you slept well, my lady?” Coiffe asks me as she raises me onto the back of the horse. After that, she herself climbs up swiftly and smoothly.
“I…did…” I did not. The situation is too dreary that I’d be too full of myself if I even think that it’s fine to sleep in the middle of it. However, I slept halfway of my thoughtless daze in the middle of the night.
“My lady, lying doesn’t befit you.” She easily saw through it. Was it my appearance that gave it away?
“I’m…really sorry…I just couldn’t sleep well last night knowing and thinking that I do not deserve any of this. I was powerless and hopeless in the face your and everyone’s adversity.” It’ll be one of my biggest regrets. Not because I just couldn’t do anything for them but also for the fact that I cannot figure out what emotion and felt I should try to reach out to them.
“Hmm, my lady, maybe that time, you are not to act yet. We cannot preemptively establish our own roles when it comes to a sudden situation. If we can, training and learning would become less significant. That’s why you do not have to beat yourself like that.” Coiffe words were honest and true. It gave me a little comfort but is no way can take away these looming anxieties that I have.
“I want to know how I should feel. How do I respond to King Cuh’s words of confession when he is not here anymore…” I carelessly uttered those words, however, I felt that it was fine to tell it to Coiffe.
“King Cuh Rux confessed to you? My lady, our king is indeed whimsical, however, we do not have information about his interest in love. If that was the case, it means that you are truly special then. Isn’t fine to keep pondering about it and give him an answer someday?” Coiffe said softly as she starts commanding the horse forward.
“I cannot give him an answer anymore…this is much certain…” I told Coiffe as I cast down a gaze. They of all people should know.
“It’s fine. Whether you reject him or accept him, we are sure that he’ll still feel elated. That’s how we see our king. Do not worry if no ears shall hear your words, your honest feelings would be enough to reach him.” Coiffe fondly spoke to me as she gently buries my head at her bosom.
“Words guise as honey...” I could tell that Coiffe’s words are all true but there was too much comfort in it.
“Ahahaha! Well, surely it’s also words I wanted to hear. Not just me, but all of us; those who loyally serve the king. Even now, we still serve him through you, the girl he likes.” Coiffe’s laughs made it easier for me to swallow her words. Rather than glazing everything with sugar, it was more appropriate for her words that seemingly mocking me.
“King Cuh is never coming back…I have already accepted that fact.” I said as I started taking Coiffe’s words into consideration.
“Not only that, my lady. The kingdom will surely fall apart. The Empire, I do not still see any reason for them to cease their attack. I’m certain that colonizing the forefront villages will be their first mission.” Coiffe told me her assessment of our situation.
“Then…what will happen to all Gauls?” I asked.
“If by a lick of fortune rains upon us, most common citizens are going to be the Empire’s slave. As for me, the best situation would be the Gauls taking shelter on the Kingdom of Madd.” It is as Doiteain said, that would be the best outcome.
“Was…that all?” As I followed another question pertaining to what I asked initially, I felt that Coiffe’s shoulders trembles with either fear or rage.
“No…The Gauls will be stripped of their dignity and honor! Our men will be enslaved and our precious forest will fall to the hands of the Empire for Urst know what they plan to do with it! In the end, they may ultimately cause the fall of the Faes for the benefit of their own beliefs and the face of the Gauls existence in this world will be forgotten. If we are remembered, we will be branded as nameless losers!” Coiffe words were headstrong and filled with nothing but rage. I am now certain that…my regrets are sinking further down.
For the Gauls whose lives rely on the forest and whose brand is of a warrior, things that Coiffe said would what entails to her current rage if it is proven to be true.
We move forward at a slow pace as the ground was soft and everything around us is moist. Coiffe and her subordinates slowly rode throughout the muddy road. Each pluck of leaves is dripping with rainwater from the previous rain. One of the reasons we are also treading lightly is because the clouds show no sign of clearing up.
Contrary to the pace we have right now, moving at a fast pace could tire the horses quickly, or so I heard. In our travel, we shouldn’t only just consider the condition of the riders but also the horses so we can continuously move forward.
In the middle of the slow strides of the horses with muffled hooves clacking the ground…
“Eaauuuggghhhhhk!” I piercing scream resounds the forest that shook the hiding birds. The scream howled painfully that I immediately turn my head to its direction.
“Don’t!” Coiffe immediately covered my face with her cape as I tried to look at the situation. However, I was able to take a peek of what happened it was not favorable. An arrow was stuck on one of Coiffe’s subordinate’s neck. “What happened?! Quickly tend to his wound!” Coiffe’s voice was shaken but she was able to issue a quick order.
“This arrow…! It’s the empire! Captain, it’s the empire!” One of the men shouted over to us with a trembling voice. I can imagine how they are trembling right now. Since Coiffe is covering me, I cannot see much of the situation.
“How?! The Empire…!? Take arm…no! Our mission right now is…!” Coiffe tightens her hold onto my body and reign onto her horse. “Anyone who is able to move, cover us! Our top priority right now is protecting Lady Aster!” Coiffe made a decisive move and ordered her men.
“By the name of Urst!” The men shouted in fervor and the sound of hooves reverberates. By the men’s answer, Coiffe also started commanding her horse to move forward.
“Wait…wait…!” I tried calling out. “This shouldn’t be…! What’s the worth of…protecting me…? Why go so far when I am insignificant…?” My questions start clogging up the noise but Coiffe could only hold me tighter.
Screams of warcry and pain started swirling in the wet forest. The clashing of piercing steel resound the place. Even the ear-splitting neigh of the horses can also be heard…
The whole scenario was blank to my eyes but becoming vivid inside my head.
“Don’t worry, Lady Aster. Our men…it’s hard to say this but…they are also looking to die in the war. It is not in my discretion to talk about it but…our desire to fight and to faithfully carry out an order under our king’s name is as strong as steel. That’s why…serving you has already sentenced our death.” Coiffe’s words were like a blade itself that started pushing into my chest. It was easy to understand but it is something I cannot swallow.
“Was it an option…or…something else?” I wanted to hear a respite from their multitude of loyalty. I may be stepping their pride if I bravely ask this, however, slowly, I can feel my heart churning from the idea alone, especially if they dedicated their lives on someone as worthless as me.
“There’s nothing else to it, just our loyalty.” Coiffe proudly said.
If she at least said that because they are ordered to, I would felt a little better. My feelings are messed up that I don’t know what I should be thinking right now…
“Ack!” Coiffe’s distressed scream was followed by our body flying off from the horse. I gasp for my breath as the sudden sensation of airborne caught me by surprise.
“…!” As my voiceless surprise leaks out, Coiffe used her body to cushion our, or perhaps, my land. The sound of mud splattering was heard and I felt a sliver of it sticking into my clothes.
As Coiffe raised her body while carefully cradling me on her arms, her tension shots up in multitude in a sudden burst. I took a peek at her face and its one of someone who is drowned in rage.
“Why…why…are you here…? The Emperor of Rousse Empire… Nazrhal Roma Rousse the Third…!” Coiffe unsheathes her sword and faces the man.
At that moment, I saw the countenance of the man, the enemy of all Gauls, Emperor Nazrhal Roma Rousse. A handsome man, the same age as King Cuh. His face was like chiseled by the gods themselves and his countenance is that of proud yet sympathetic. The armor he dons are unlike the Gauls; a steel armor that covers most of his body. What daunting about him is that he was able to attack Coiffe in a horse despite he is by his self, no mounts.
As Coiffe prepares for battle, the man also drew his sword, a gallant and well-ornamented one that despite the dim weather, it glows brightly.
“I am saddened by Cuh’s death. He was a man worthy of my blade, however, I see. All the warriors of the Tirheaarn are like a mirror of him. All are strong spiritually and mentally. For that reason, each and every single one of you deserves to face the might of my sword.” Nazrhal said with a default countenance.
“Were you the one plotted our King’s death?” Coiffe roared at Nazrhal.
“My deepest apologies, I have no control of my own subordinates. I still have a lot to learn. King Cuh was a wise and pragmatic man because he has great mentors such as Doiteain and Iarann. I can still remember how Doiteain reduced almost half of our army by the zone into cinders.” Nazrhal’s words seemed sincere but don’t divulge much.
“Lady Aster, run…no questions asked.” Coiffe pushes me aside and ordered me to run. “You are not to die here. You are not to meet your end here. It is my wish. I am sure my king also wished for it, so run now.” Coiffe said with her gentlest voice with a smile.
No question asked, I turn my heels and run.
I still have something I wanted to achieve in this second life of mine.
I don’t want to die here yet.
Whatever the reason the Emperor of Rousse is here, I must live.
I run without turning back. I plowed my way through the muddy road and never turn back. Even as the sound of swords started disturbing the serene forest once more, I never turned back.
As I was running, sounds of hooves, probably more horses, are coming towards my direction. I immediately dove deeper into the forest down the slopes. The slippery terrain made me fall forward and I roll down.
“Ah…” I almost leaked out a loud voice. I was able to hold it in despite the pain I am going through right now. The coat was holding into, King Cuh’s coat has become ridden with dirt and mud but I didn’t dare of letting it go despite it weighing me down.
I estimated the chances that someone from Coiffe’s unit is alive but I couldn’t think of any positive answer. I also thought of Coiffe’s survival rate but, since I heard from Doiteain of Emperor Nazrhal’s feat, I lost all hope.
“Men, there was one who escaped. The Gaul’s forest is vast and we only know our way out, not the place as our own. Tread carefully.” Emperor Nazrhal’s voice sounded from afar as he commanded his people.
All I could do is run.
A drop of water fell into my face and before I knew it, the rain already fell onto this land. The sudden drop in the temperature made it hard for me to breath and the ground became less bearable to walk onto.
“Live…live…live…” I repeated those words with a gasp. I couldn’t run anymore and I can barely walk properly. My body is soaked and my clothes are sticking with mud.
If the only thing I can do for them is to live, then I will struggle to. If their will is for me to live, then I will do my best to answer to that.
“Live…hah…hah…live…live…” My words are becoming faint and my consciousness started becoming hazy. I do not know how many minutes have passed. I might be walking for an entire hour now but I couldn’t grasp the ticking of time.
“I shall check here. Go over by the west.” Emperor Nazrhal’s voice once again resounded loudly despite the pouring rain. He was closer than I expected. Still, my goal is still the same.
“Eep…” I trip but managed to cushion my fall with my arms. I can feel my body trembling and my teeth clacking.
It’s so hard…
It’s so hard to live…
The confine of my room in the hospital is far safer. Is this the suffering of living that I always chase down? Am I going to die like the worthless me back then? I don’t know if I am crying or if it’s simply the rain streaming down from my cheeks.
I reach up to a tree and gave my best to stand up. I felt like crippled once more but I don’t want to die. I need to keep moving despite my shaky legs and foggy eyes.
I cannot see what’s in front of me anymore.
I started hearing footstep again. I peek behind the tree and I saw Emperor Nazrhal with his strides unimpeded by the mud and rain. My feet couldn’t even stand properly so I couldn’t think of even walking. At this rate, he is going to find me.
No…not like this…
“Over here.” As I was despairing, a hand suddenly pulled me and I felt like falling. Everything around me turned from dim to dark and I felt like my body escaped from the blistering coldness of the forest wind.
“Wha—“ I open my eyes and saw that I ended up in a cave with a small opening, one that you will not be able to see as the entrance was like a foot above our current ground.
I turn my head towards the inner part of the cave and saw the there’s a fire lit in the middle and some baggage by the corner. It was a shallow cave but one you can’t easily find and the air doesn’t blow as hard as outside so it’s fittingly warm.
And last, I look at the person who just pulled me out of danger but…I am met with a huge smirk by this dazzling…girl…
“Would you look at this? What a dirty girl despite being branded as the same divine as I.” The girl mocks as she removes the hood covering her head.
“You…” I muttered as I saw two triangular furred ears, just like mine. Her hair was fair platinum of white and her eyes are as glittery as the sea. Her age is identical to mine but our features are like the opposite, mostly the color of our eyes and hair. And from behind, her tail wags like she is excited.
“Oh? Were you taken aback by my splendor that you forgot to speak? I do not mind. I shall take the initiative for an introduction.” The girl grandly stood up and sprouted a smirk. “My name is Heliotrope, I am what the Gauls would call Divine Beast. It’s a pleasure meeting you.” She said while staring at me wonderfully.