The forest is bigger than what we first suspected. We’ve followed the darkness that we occasionally caught a glimpse of behind the bare, crooked branches. We thought that was the best strategy to move through the strange forest. But just like everything else here, the rules that might have worked in the living world rarely worked here. When we saw the same crooked tree with the horrifying face that made the hair on my arm rise, we realized we had been walking in circles.

We split up. Sun and Sage in one group and me, Nine, and Clover in another. One group looks for a way out by creating circles, crosses, and arrows in the mud. The circles are the symbol for our base, while the crosses show us which way make us go in circles, and the arrows show us where we have already walked and how to find our way back to the base. The other group rest so they can take over once the first is too exhausted to continue.

That the world makes us go in circles isn’t the only thing I’ve noticed. There’s a forgotten ache in my stomach, one I haven’t felt since I was alive, and I realize that it’s hunger.

And not to speak of the tiredness, that I need to sleep. I’m not sure it’s the world that creates the feeling of being human again or if it’s the darkness. When Nine throws a slice of rye bread to me I guess it’s the latter. I’ve never been fond of it but when my stomach rumbles, I don’t care what he gave me.

“It gives you more energy,” he says and takes a bite of his own slice.

Clover has turned his back to us and is laying down on the muddy ground, with his head over a makeshift pillow of a pile of leaves. None of us are comfortable with sleeping on a hard, muddy ground, but all three of us are so exhausted that it doesn’t matter.

“Thank you,” I mumble and take a bite of the slice.

I sit crisscrossed on the muddy ground and my head is aching. I think of the soft, welcoming bed in my childhood’s room. I think it’s the first time I long to return to the Eleven since I arrived at the Realm of the Dead.

“What is making me hungry?” I ask.

I take another bite, this time a bigger one. A more desperate attempt to remove the aching hunger. Not that a single piece of bread without toppings could satiate this biting hunger, yet it was better than nothing.

“The darkness,” Nine answers, while touching the open wounds gently. “I don’t know why, but it’s like it’s fooling our souls that it has a body and makes us react.”

“Are you in any pain?”

“Just here,” he says and moves the shaky fingers away from the scars, “in other worlds I cannot feel it at all.”

I try to figure out if Clover has fallen asleep. The body looks tense, but you cannot relax here – not entirely. Maybe not even when you sleep.

I eat the rest of the slice of bread lay down on the ground once I’m done. I’m surprised when I feel the mud touch my skin. The longer I’m here the more I feel, and it’s overwhelming. How could I have gone my entire life without thinking of every little thing touching me? My sweater and my leggings against my skin, the muddy leaves and the feeling of the breadcrumbs on my fingers.

When I close my eyes, it doesn’t take long until sleep finds me. The exhaustion beats the biting hunger and the unpleasantness of the hard bed of leaves and mud.

****

I awake by a sound, and when I open my eyes I see Sage make a cross with his foot by one of the arrows – another road that leads us in circles.

I sit up and instantly feel the throbbing ache throughout my body.

“Left and up are ruled out. No matter the directions in those regions we returned here,” he says, voice filled with exhaustion.

His wrinkles seem to have been doubled since I saw him last. He stumbles towards a log and sits down. I pull leaves and mud out of my hair when Sun sits down next to Sage. She leans over with two shaky hands pushed against her face.

Nine stands up and wipes away parts of the mud from his jeans and shirt. Clover has already gotten up.

“Then it’s right and down that is left?” Clover asks.

Sage gives him a weak nod.

Clover looks at Nine and then at me, he makes a quick head movement and with tired dragging steps he continues towards our next attempt. I follow them, and despite sleeping I still feel exhausted.

We only speak if we have to, if we notice something that feels different or if we end up at the same terrifying tree. We walk past the base five times, over and over again since each direction we take takes us straight back.

Nine creates a fifth cross in front of one of the arrows further into the right region. My legs are aching for each step I take and each breath I take burns my chest. Clover leads us in another direction in hope that this one will lead us out of the forest and take us to the mask of Lyndova.

We walk aimlessly for about half an hour until we step into a part of the world that is still covered in greenery – one that reminds me of the gardens in the Citadel. In the middle stands a familiar structure, one that makes Clover’s entire body tense.

A well. It has the same shape as the one in the Eleven, instead of white material this well reflects its surroundings like a mirror. It’s covered in cracks and the tower, that once aimed towards the sky, is cut off and lying half-hidden in the green grass.

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We walk towards the well, and when we realize it’s empty Clover relax as much as it’s possible in this world.

Nine touches the structure carefully and studies what had once been filled with the blue liquid. “It’s been empty for a while.”

The blackness is fully visible now when the dead branches aren’t hiding the sky. Nine looks at us with exhausted eyes, the pale face looks sick, like he’s suffering from a fever.

“We can hopefully get out of the forest through here.” He takes a deep breath, and grimaces slightly. “You two can wait here until I come back with Sun and Sage.”

“Are you sure?” I ask. “You don’t look so well.”

“Neither do you. I’ll be fine.”

“Alright then, be careful.”

He gives me another exhausted grimace and slowly makes his way back to the way with the arrows.

Clover sits down on the well’s reflecting surface and flexes his fingers in and out.

“Is it hurting?” I ask.

He studies his hand. “Yes.”

Things still feel tense between us, and I cannot find the right words to even begin a natural conversation with him.

“You asked Nine the same thing,” he says and lets his hand lie still against one of his knees.

So he wasn’t sleeping.

“If it hurt.”

He chuckles. It sounds bitter. I stare at him as he focuses on the overgrown grass in front of him.

“Here I am and feel bad for myself while Nine can feel the pain of his open cuts.” He sighs and clenches his fist again. “When you’re here I always say more than I should.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, much more awkward than how I wanted it to come out.

Clover turns his attention towards me, with a slight confusion but curiosity in his eyes.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I should have kept what I saw at the well to myself, or I should have talked to you first. You’ve avoided me so I thought…”

I quiet down.

He looks at me for a moment before he speaks, “I’m not mad about that. I understand why you had to tell the guardians about it, I would have done the same if I was you. I cannot say I liked that you saw and felt things I tried to keep hidden. I’ve never liked having to feel the contracts that are mine, that includes you. The thought of someone doing the same thing to me is… unpleasant. It feels intrusive. Besides, once you’ve gotten a look into someone’s head there’s no going back. You might see things you wished you hadn’t.”

I have a feeling he isn’t talking about the same situation anymore.

“I’m sorry. You were hiding so many things.” I take a deep breath, knowing I had to continue the lie Vrana had made. “When Vrana came to me with his offer, I didn’t accept it because I feared him. I accepted because I wanted to know what was going on. I was worried.”

He sighs. “I feel like there are better ways of finding out.”

“How? You were avoiding me. I was desperate, and I saw a way out. Maybe not the smartest one, but I didn’t see any other option. By that time, I felt like I had already dug myself into a deep hole and,” I swallow, “and Vrana had a way out. So I took it.”

Clover starts to massage his hands, as he once again averts his gaze forward.

“Why did you keep everything a secret? I feel like I could have helped you if you’d let me. Instead, you shut me out in a foreign world where I had no one else.”

I know my words might have been harsh, but I felt it was better to have them said and heard than keeping them inside.

“Because I had no other choice. I didn’t want to pull you into my mess, nor did I want to risk putting the Raven in any danger. Avoiding you was wrong, but you were pushing and pushing and I had to pull back. Frankly, I think it was for the better, even if I hadn’t known the Raven was alive. I had been thinking a lot. I had been inside of your mind, seen and felt your thoughts and emotions. I saw a part that reminded me of an old self, and I wanted you to release it. So, I pushed. I should never have done that. I needed some time to myself to think of it all, to realize that part was never me, and therefore my ways might not work.”

I recognize those thoughts all too well. It feels too far away now, but I remember that’s how I was thinking when it came to Emma. I wanted to help her, wanted her to release the part that hurt her. The difference was I never understood her, not entirely. Clover, at the very least, had some understanding of my pain. Emma and I were never the same.

As we both say nothing, we listen to the silence until it becomes unbearable.

“Do you think they’re right? The guardians,” I finally say.

“About the Raven?”

“Yeah.”

He’s silent for a while before he speaks, “I don’t know. I meant what I said, if the Raven truly is the one who stole the artifact, then I’ll oppose him. But so far, they haven’t given me any concrete evidence, just theories that doesn’t hold up.”

I hadn’t either heard any evidence, just suspicions without any explanations on where they came from.

“I’ve thought about what you said, about Artemis. I should have been honest with her from the start, at least to a certain degree.”

“Did you talk to her?”

“Yes, I told her everything before we left. These worlds, you never know if you’ll leave them. I wanted to tell her the truth just in case. About me and the Raven, and the baggage I’ve been carrying lately.”

He looks deep in thought as he speaks, his eyes staring into nothing.

“What did she say?” I ask.

Clover hesitates. ”She was upset, I had expected that. Mostly it was because it had taken me so long until I told her. She asked me to not keep everything inside, and to share what haunts me so she can help me. I think you and I might be very alike in that. I don’t want anyone to see the worrying, hesitating version of me either.”

There’s a pensive tone to his voice.

“Clover,” I begin and take a deep breath, “for what it’s worth, you’re right. It was intrusive of me to feel your thoughts and emotions.”

He gives me an exhausted smile. “Thank you… I appreciate that.”

We don’t say much more and try to enjoy the only green and bright place we’ll see for a while. Soon we’ll have to leave it and return to dead ground and bare trees.

When Nine comes back he has Sun and Sage with him, both of them look like they didn’t get a lot of sleep. Their faces have gotten even more pale, and sweat is running down their temples. Sun stumbles forward and Sage take a shaky grip on her forearm and pull her up on her feet again. She mumbles a “thank you” under heavy breaths. It's only a matter of time until none of us will be able to move on and will trip over our own feet. We need to find the mask as soon as possible.

Sun and sage sit down at the green grass and breathe deep, long breaths. Nine isn’t doing any better, his pale face is covered in sweat.

“We can rest a few minutes; the air is clearer here. If only slightly,” Clover says.

“We don’t have time for that,” Nine answers. “Any longer and we might not be able to return.”

Sun shakes her head wildly, the blonde hair – except the hair strands that are glued to the sweaty cheeks – moves around her. “I cannot take another step like this.”

Nine gives her a harsh but worried glance. “Ten minutes, then we have to continue.”

Nine sits down at the well and pushes a shaky hand against the sweaty face. Sage focuses on the severed tower behind us, the dark brown eyes continue upwards towards the black sky. He separates his lips and the crease between his eyebrows deepens. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut together and lays down on the grass breathing heavily, likely trying to gather the energy to move forward.

As we all do. It will only grow worse the closer we get. I’m not even sure what the mask is for, not entirely. Why it’s so important to find. It cannot be destroyed, yet it cannot be taken by someone else.

When ten minutes has passed Nine gets up. He gives Sun and Sage the last two pieces of rye bread. They’re more tired than us, the little sleep they got couldn’t have helped. They don’t speak of it. We all know how exhausted they are, yet they force themselves to continue.

And we let them do it.