The inside of the library is darker than I had expected. The upper parts of the dark grey walls are covered by stained-glass windows. They depict different landscapes, some of them look real while others are too strange to understand. Two balconies are located on both sides of the large building; they're held up by golden pillars whose surface is covered in black markings that look like veins.

Under the balconies lay piles of books, so old it feels like the pages will crumble in my hands if I touch them. In the middle of the library, two long tables stretch across the floor with elegant chairs standing neatly on its sides. Floating upside-down candles lights up soul wanderers that are reading the old books.

Most people inside the library are humans, except a few beings dressed in black veils. They are slowly floating forward, and the grey feet are almost touching the floor.

"Librarians," Sun says when she notices me staring at them. "Or that's what we've decided to call them. Fitting, I suppose."

There are three of them in the entire library. Two float back and forth at the sides of the long tables. The third is occupying one of the balconies. It flashes a few times – like it was a hologram – before it fades away and appears on the balcony on the other side of the room.

"They're not regular beings, are they?"

One of the librarians slowly turns its head covered in layers of thin veils, so many that I cannot see its face. It looks down at one of the soul wanderers – at the book they're reading.

"They have a single purpose." Sun walks towards one of the balconies where the librarian isn't located. "They're here to watch us."

"Why would they need to watch us?" I ask as we walk up the stairs.

Bookcases of dark wood, carved with beautiful markings stand in a line; they're filled with books that seem just as old as the ones in piles below us.

"To make sure that we're not seeking information we're not allowed to search for. Which means information about our own life. Whether that is a family member or a friend, or another person who has a connection to a soul wanderer. The only time it's allowed, is if it's included in your contract."

Sun stops at one of the bookcases. "Take one."

I cannot think of a single book that feels like the right one. They all look the same.

"This time it doesn't matter which one you choose."

At the top of the bookcase there's dates. 1800-2100, I'm not sure if it's the date of someone's death or their birth. It's hard to imagine that humans who haven't even been born yet are written in these books.

I pull out one. It's heavy and when I try to open it, it's like the pages are glued together.

"You need to know what you're looking for before you open it," Sun says and when I try to open it again, she lays a hand on its front. "Open it at the tables. I have someone to meet and things to do. I'll return to you later."

Sun heads towards the other end of the long balcony. Both mine, Clover's and my sister's dates are written in this book. I hold the book tightly in my embrace as I head towards the stairs. A black figure appears in the corner of my eye, it flashes a few times before it slowly molds into a being. I bite my tongue to stop the scream building up in my throat. It has turned its face covered in layers of veils. I can see it when it's this close, such a deep darkness that it feels like I'm staring down an endless dark well.

It floats down the balcony – away from me and the stairs. I remain at my place. It takes a few seconds before I'm physically able to move. I try not to think of the darkness the creature wore as a face. It feels like my legs will buckle when I go down the stairs. I approach the tables where two other librarians await; they slowly float back and forth in line next to the long tables.

I sit down at the first chair, the one that's closest to the gate. The closer I am the exit the safer I'll feel. I take a deep breath and focus entirely on the book and Allie Reid – how she looked like in the hospital bed, the eyes that had once been eager and intensive looked hollow.

I don't have to open the book; it opens by itself and turn its pages until it stops in the middle. At first the page is completely empty before it slowly starts fading in. The picture of her is livelier than a photograph. Yet it's just as still. In every way it seems like a photograph, yet it feels like I'm staring right at her.

I focus on the text. There's a name, cause of death, death date and who's supposed to perform the reaping. I read my name – Orchid. I cannot remember my real one. It's only for a few seconds and when I remember it again it feels like it's not mine anymore. I associate myself with Orchid and the name Jonna feels foreign, yet I'm still thankful I can remember it.

I look up from the book, over the table, the soul wanderers and the librarians. I put the thoughts about my name and the worry about the unpleasant creatures to the side.

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Once again, I focus on the book, specifically the other page. On it there are names of people with a connection to Allie. I read their ages, connection and in parentheses if they're alive, reaped or if their soul has been lost. There's one name that catches my attention. Allie's mother, Laura, a woman who died when she was forty-two. Once I've made my decision the pages turn.

It stops at Allie's mom. She has the same red hair and green intense eyes like her daughter. I study each detail. How her hair lays on her shoulders, how broad her nose is and how her skin is covered in freckles. I close my eyes and repeat her name in my mind as I envision the photograph in front of me. I make her turn, smile, and talk. Something is created in the depths of my mind. I have it now. The world with her belonging. I open my eyes and the woman in the photograph has the same smile I envisioned.

The librarian on the other side watches me with its dark face, until it floats down the table. The other librarian are a few meters away. It reaches my chair, observes me for a few seconds until it turns slowly, giving the appearance that the veils are moving like they're under water.

I can breathe out when the creature is a few meters away from me. There's a worry I've carried with me since I died, one that is bursting against the surface now. I've been good at keeping it down, trying to focus on remembering me before I died. But it's hardly possible to keep it inside anymore.

If she's alive it should say so in the book. Then I can move on. I know it's a hollow promise I'm trying to convince myself of. Even if she would be alright now, it doesn't mean she wouldn't try later. No matter the answer I will never stop worrying, and if she's dead it will break me.

Slowly the picture and the letters start to fade into the page until it's empty. The book turns its pages again and I know that it's too late to change my mind.

Slowly – painfully slowly – the ink covers the pages. The photograph is the first thing I see. The hollow eyes and the blonde curly hair. It feels more real than the photograph in my room. She looks shocked, even if it hasn't truly changed.

A pale hand slams down onto the pages. The only thing I can see is the eyes that peek through the fingers, and parts of the open, bloodless wound on his arm.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

I glance quickly up at Nine and then back to the pages where he's hiding her. I take a steady grip around his hand; I pull and jerk, trying to remove it from the page. I have to see if she's alive. But he refuses to move it.

A cold feeling creeps forward. It feels like I've been submerged in ice cold water. I stop pulling Nine's hand and quickly lay my own over the pages to protect the rest of it being seen.

Nine leans closer and puts a steady hand on my back. He whispers with a strict, determined voice, "Listen carefully."

I nod and the cold darkness forces itself deeper.

"Close your eyes." I do as he says and tightly shut my eyes. "Don't think of her. Make your entire mind barren, think of nothing."

I think of how it felt when Blomst gave me my name, when everything disappeared and there was nothing left of me – at least not of the person that I had been when I was alive. I think of the emptiness I felt, and when I finally find it, I settle myself there.

I don't think. I'm not sure how long I am there or how long Nine is keeping his hand on my back. When I feel the cold darkness, I open my eyes.

The librarian has taken shape right behind me, just like it had done on the balcony. I can feel the darkness and coldness its very existence conjures. It's like ice growing on my back. I watch it from the corner of my eye; it reaches out its grey, malnourished hand. I try to not move when the cold from its arm touches the left side of my body. Slowly it wraps its long fingers around my wrist and gently lifts it. The page is empty.

Nine moves away his hand from the book and lets the one on my back lay there until the librarian lets go of me and floats down the tables.

Sun is approaching us from the other side of the room, she walks quickly, and her normally blank face is grimaced. The other soul wanderers seem bothered by the sudden coldness that covered the entire library, they exchange worried and confused glances.

Nine close the book quickly. He looks more expressive than I remember him being.

"If you cannot control your emotions, this is the worst place to be in."

I don't get the time to answer him before Sun grabs the upper part of my arm and force me up from the chair.

"Do tell me you got the answer before you almost got us all in trouble," she snarls while pulling me towards the exit.

"All of us? What would have happened?"

"Answer me, did you get what you needed?"

Sun stops at the gate and lets go of my arm.

"I think I created a world," I say and turn back towards the library, the librarians are slowly floating back and forth like nothing had happened. "What would have happened?"

"You mean, what would have happened if I didn't send Nine to look out for you?"

She's still angry... and scared.

It takes some time for me to gather my thoughts. "Yes."

"You'd likely be faded, or nearly, at the very least. And the others would have been hurt," Nine answers.

"What is faded?"

"A soul's death."

A large lump has made my throat its home, and if I force out any words my voice will break.

Sun takes a steady grip around her hand to make them stop shaking. There's a fear in her eyes as she looks out at the library and the librarians – one that I've never seen before. It terrifies me what my own selfish and foolish choices could have made us experience.

"Thank you", Sun tells Nine.

She takes a deep breath and glares at me, still holding her hand in an iron grip.

"I don't know what you're thinking – if you even think." She shakes her head. "I told you it was forbidden and you do exactly what I warned you about. How much of a fool are you?"

She's right – even if she's pretty much insulting me. I had let my emotions taken over again, let the guilt and fear do something that would put us all in danger.

"You were lucky I sent Nine. Yet I hadn't expected you to be foolish enough to go against the library's rules. Never do that again," she says, it sounds like her voice will break any second.

Nine's facial expression is back to the same hollow one I've gotten used to; the expressive one I had seen earlier is gone.

Sun grabs my arm again and pushes the gate open with the side of her body. She pulls me out on the white streets, and I throw a hasty glance at Nine that is following us.

"I'm sorry," I force out.

I know it's not enough; a fragile apology won't make a difference.

"Just... don't let it happen again," Sun says and lets go of my arm.