Astra and Kara are sitting together, like they’ve done for the last couple of days, first in silence before reluctant conversation had become the norm. I walk by. He gestures me over. My first instinct is swayed by his expression: This is important to him. I sit down, watch as the woman uncomfortably shimmies to the side.

“Astra this is Njra. Njra this is Astra.”

“I know”, she says.

I say nothing at all.

“Come on. Give each other a chance. I know you’ll get along.”

“If that’s everything”, I turn to get up.

Karas hand shoots out to pull me back down. My body obeys before I can resist.

“Give it a try. For me”.

Astra gives me a tentative smile: “Hello”

“You don’t have to do this”, I say.

Relive washes over her face before she scrambles to get away.

“No. Stay. Seriously come on”, Kara shouts after her. She doesn’t turn.

“Happy?!”, he says.

I don’t reply.

“Do you want to be miserable and unloved or what the fuck is up with that!?”

“Do what you must, but don’t drag me into this.”

“We all need people. Friends. Even you!”

“Not everyone is as desperate as you.”

“We’re in this together. All of us. If we stick together and help each other maybe we can fight back.”

“If you want to find out how many of your friends must die before you snap, be my guest. But my mother did not sacrifice herself for me to be tortured to death in some cell”

“Oh, but she did die for you to be gutted for their pleasure?!”

I hit him so hard that his flung against the wall. The others jump up in shock or terror. Enya tries to run over. Kara opens his mouth to say something

“Don’t. You’ve said enough”

“I’m sorry.”, he stammers.

My expression shuts him up.

-

Niilan holds out another week until he cracks and calls for me.

“Don’t tell Daira”, is the first thing he says as I enter.

“As you wish”

“It’s just, I had to see you”

I put my finger on his lips: “I missed you too”

“It’s so hard you know. I love them but they seem so distant.”

“Daira loves you as well. Just give them some time.”

“I will. I just need some time to get used to all the changes. Daira returning, the deal with the senate – I am to oversee silver regulation.”

“That is wonderful. Both of it”

“It is”

“But?”

“I will miss you. I told myself I wouldn’t, I have plenty of others to keep me company. But it’s just not the same”

My throat clenches up so tight I can barely breath.

“And I still haven’t found your replacement. This entire hrô fuss is so idiotic. We have torn down the gods and made them our playthings and yet the masses want to twirl around celebrating the sun setting a bit later.”

It’s all I can do to not pass out. My head feels too tight, the dim lights are blinding, his touch is setting my body aflame.

“I really hoped it could be the wildling. But after last time I’m not so sure. Maybe I should just bet on that Enya. Much less flashy but at least he is consistent.”

I manage to draw some air. It’s the desperate, sucking sound of someone asphyxiating.

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“What is it?”

“I…”, I gasp for more air, “just the thought of us having so little time left”, I lie.

He presses me into him. Suffocating.

“It is all going be alright. You know I never truly appreciated what a wonderful find I had in you. That other wildling is such a feral thing. I can’t dare to put him out there again if he will pull the same thing like last time. My reputation might never recover. And nobody will buy him after this”

I don’t show the terror that has taken ahold of me. Just close my eyes and let reality slip thru my fingers.

-

When I get down the place is in uproar. Someone is crying, more are cursing, the loudest curses are Kara’s. Most have gathered behind Enya in fear of what the boy might do. About a third of the fighters have bandages on their marks, blood seeping thru them. There’s no bandage on the boys back: Just the freshly mutilated cut up mark and raw skin where silver had been peeled off.

I don’t to announce myself, as soon I opened the door all eyes were on me.

“Tell me you didn’t know they would do that?”, the boy says.

“I suspected”.

“Why did no one tell me?!”

“Would it have mattered?”

“Don’t you dare pull that bullshit on me again.”

I shrug and dodge the fist that comes flying towards me.

I turn, dig my knee into his stomach.

He keels over, form already starting to warp.

Before he can finish the side of my hand hits his jaw. He drops immediately, body going limp.

The room has gone dead silent.

“If this gets out, you’re dead”. I pick up the boy: “I need clean bandages, water and wine.”

We’re back in the torture room, the boy and I. Cold walls with even colder floors my company as I wait for him to wake up. The door swings open. Against the backlighting Enya seems almost intimidating. There’s anger in his movements as he puts down the demander supplies: “You’re not their master”

“No I’m not”

“I had to fight with the servants to get the wine.”

“Thank you”

He nods towards the boy: “I didn’t want it to turn out this way.”

“He’ll be fine”

“And if you’re wrong? Can you do what’s necessary?”

“I don’t know. But you could still take him. For now.

“Will you kill me if I do”

“No”

4 weeks left.

Kara stirs. With one last look towards him Enya exists the room.

The boy comes to in a panic: shooting up body morphing before the pain makes him stop.

“Turn”, I say.

He looks at me.

“I have to clean your wounds.”

He stifles a bitter laugh.

I pour the water and wine mixture over his back, start carefully removing blood and dirt. He flinches.

“They wouldn’t tell me what they where do doing.”, he finally says.

“The marks?”

“Yeah”

“Was someone else there. Except for Niilan and the carver?”

“Niilan wasn’t there. Just Daira”

“Then they transferred ownership”

“What?”

“You belong to Daira now. Everybody that was there does”

“Why would they do that?”

“Tradition. Ensuring succession. Make sure we don’t get stupid ideas when Niilan dies”

“I didn’t know they could do that”

“Now you do. How is your training progressing”

“Really?”

I shrug.

“Good I guess”

“Ready for the next lesson?”

“I’m not sure I’m in much of a condition to fight”

“You won’t have to. What was your last fights problem?”

“Niilan got pissed”

I don’t reply.

“Fine. They wanted me to kill someone with even more gore.”

“Yes. You will have to learn how to play the crowd.”

“I don’t want to”

“It’s not an option”

“Njra I’m serious. I can’t do this. I won’t. I’m not gonna make other people’s death, maybe my own, a spectacle.”

“It already is”

“I’m not going to be their pet monster!”

“Then you will die”

He stares at me.

“How many times did we have this conversation? I am sorry this burden has been put upon you. You do not deserve it. Noone does. But you must make a choice and accept the consequences.”

“There has to be another way!”

No.

“I am tired”, I’m surprised myself as the words leave my lips, “I don’t have the energy to fight over this again. Do what you must. But when you snap, make it big enough so Niilan is forced put me down as well and not just hurt me some more”.

-

It’s been a week since chose the boy instead on childish defiance against a system that only recognizes it as incompetence. He came to me the day after, joking the way he always does, looking for the reaction that Aary or Enya would have given him, that was never mine. Perhaps it is pettiness that made me reply like I always do, in nods, shrugs and one-word responses. So he left, found the connection he needs with others. Astra first. Yesterday I had seen them with another boy. Drawing in the lonely like moths to the flame.

The tournament is continuing to approach as what seemed like a faraway event slips nearer and nearer to reality. I begin praying to my mother.

I’m glad I’m alone for this. Solitude is comfortable. And, for the last bits of existence I have left, I embrace it.