The air in the hallway is cold. I lean against a wall. Outside the last sun beams have finally lost their fight against the night. But there’s no way for me to know, all we have down here are candles. I follow them, a trail of barely burning flames to the place I know Enya will be. Why? He looks up as I enter, features barely visible amongst the darkness.
“How’s Kara?”
“Angry and exhausted. Don’t hold what happened against him.”
“He had no right acting the way he did.”
“Maybe he is the only sane person down here.”
“You despise the master, don’t you?”
“What?”
“Answer my question!”
“Yes I do.”
“See, that’s the thing with both of you”, he chuckles, “you only know life as a fighter. He… you wouldn’t be acting like this this otherwise. You’ve never had to experience anything worse. Do you have any idea what it’s like to go hungry for weeks? To get hit every single day until you can’t walk without pain. To cover every time, you see a silhouette move?!”
Yes. I don’t answer.
“Those past few months was probably the happiest time of Aary’s life. And when she died, she had a good death. Quick and painless. “
“That was not a good death.”
“It’s the best she could have gotten!”
“Just because worse fates exist doesn’t make hers... or ours a good one.”
“Don’t you get it?! It doesn’t matter what’s theoretically fair! »
“Enya. Not today. Please.”
“NO! You listen to me. This is our life, and it’s so much better than anything else we could have gotten. The both of you should be on your knees, THANKING the master instead of being angry at things that will never change.”
“Thanking him?! Just because you’re grieving does not mean you have the right to talk to me like that. If you want to throw a tantrum, go do it by yourself.” My back is pulsating with the pain that’s slowly seeping back in thru the adrenaline. I can feel the blood trickle down my spine and further stain an already drenched shirt. “Go lick Niilans boots for all I care but the next time tell me, what he does to me is justified, it will end with your brain splattered against a wall.”
I don’t storm out, nor do I slam the door shut. I simply leave, that’s all I have left in me. Behind me Enya might have said something, or he might not, the voices have all blended into one screaming mass. Five months left. I stumble up the stairs, into the servant corridors. I feel like a ghost, wandering them in the search of something I will not find in this city. I don’t recall how I ended up in the garden, I just end up staring at the stars like I’ve done so many times before.
This little spot on that pathetic stone wall is the closest thing I have to a graveyard. It’s a place where I can mourn for my mother, and for that little quiet girl that would listen to her stories. Now I’m here to mourn the doomed girl with the dead eyes as well. I search the sky for a new star, but to me, they all look the same. It’s getting hard to keep my eyes open, but I can’t bring myself to go down. The cold wind blows thru my hair as if to comfort me in its embrace. I wonder what the girl would think right now. If she saw us fighting. I hope she didn’t. Somewhere off an owl screams. Patterns of light and shadow move over the perfect vegetation as the moon hides behind wisps of clouds and reveal itself again. I watch that game, for how long I cannot tell. Then I hear footsteps. They’re loud, if not clumsy. I turn to see Enya’s silhouette, eyes narrowed, scanning the surrounding.
“Looking for someone?”
He flinches at the sound of my voice: I didn’t thing Id actually find you up here.”
I shrug.
“I’m sorry. There was no use in me saying what I did.”
“Much worse things have been said to me. It’s fine”
He shakes his head: “No it’s not.”
I shrug a second time.
“Is it okay if I join you?”
I nod. He climbs up.
“You meant it. So don’t apologize”, I say.
“No I… maybe I did. But that wasn’t the reason I threw it in your face.”
I give a tired smile.
“You told me once I could talk about the mines, if you’re still willing to listen. I’d like for you to understand.”
I nod.
“Life down there was… not good. The first memories I have is crawling thru tunnels with blisters on my hands and knees. And of getting beaten. It was a hellhole, even if I only realized once I got out. It was a hellhole, but I never felt lonely. Those children, we were each other’s family. Brothers and sisters, the older ones something like parents. There was this girl, Aneka, she was one of the oldest. Always took care of us, tucked us in, split up rations so everyone got something, gave away hers if there wasn’t enough. She always seemed so grown to me, but looking back, she couldn’t have been more than seven or eight herself. She would always sing this lullaby for us. When we were crying, or couldn’t sleep, or had nightmares. We had a lot of nightmares. But she was always there, no matter what.”
“It was her song, was it not? The one you sang to Aary?”
“It’s one of the very few I remember.”
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
“I am m sorry it had to be you.”
“I’m not”, he looks up to the sky, “I’m glad I was able to give her a good death.”
This time I don’t argue. Not now.
“You know, there are a lot of ways to die down there. Beatings, crushed by debris, starvation, coughing up blood until your lungs drown in it. The children around me, they all died, one by one and then new ones came and those died too. Before I realized I was one of the oldest, splitting up portions together with Aneka.”
I lay my hand around his shoulders.
“One day she started coughing up blood. Just a bit at first, and never Infront of the guards or small ones. But it got worse of course. Soon she couldn’t work anymore. The guards just left her in the enclosure and stopped giving her rations. So we split ours. The last few weeks before she died, she was coughing so hard at night none of us could sleep. And then, one day, she just stopped and lay still.” His voice breaks. “You know, she never cried. I never understood why until she was gone. But when she was, and I looked into the scared faces of the other children, I couldn’t do it either.”
I pull him in, slowly, to give him time to pull away. Instead, he leans in. Enya’s shaking.
“I felt so bad when I was sold. They asked why I was leaving them, again and again. Such small frames. They must all be dead by now... ...But I was so glad to get out. I mean, look at us, I never thought I’d be ever able to see the sky whenever I feel like it... I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”
“It’s okay. I think I understand.”
“Thank you. For listening.”
The stars are still sparkling above us. Cold and distant.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“I don’t know”. It’s the truth. Why?
“Okay. Tell me once you do”.
I nod.
“Do you… Your back what happened?”, he eventually says.
I look down at the blood-soaked shirt and the wounds peeking thru from underneath: “Niilan got angry.”
“The master doesn’t punish you.”
My finger wander to my throat, where the hands with which he has strangled me are still visible, blue and discolored: “He doesn’t?”
“Well… I meant he doesn’t flog you.”
“No, usually he doesn’t”, I look up, “Karas not a fighter yet. He only knows how to ambush hunt. That opponent was dead before the fight had even begun. I’ve never seen Niilan so angry. He would have killed the kid if I didn’t intervene.”
“I’m sorry”
“Do you like apologizing for things you meant or aren’t responsible for?”
He grins: “Apparently I do. But I do mean it. If I had taught him better, maybe he would have known not to do that.”
“That boy would have had no chance if he’d tied to appease the crowd.”
“You didn’t teach him on purpose?”
“It would have just gotten him killed. Though I did hope it would not turn out as bad as it did.”
“You know, I just can’t help but wonder if I could have done something different too. For Aary.”
“You did all you could. She was a wonderful girl but doomed. We both knew it.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you second guessing yourself.”
“Seems like what happened did rattle me a bit. Karas eyes…. It’s not like I’m not used to hate filled stares, it’s just, it was never directed at me before.”
HOW NICE.
“I will talk to Kara. But try not to take it personally. He is grieving. Grieving people lash out.”
“I guess they do… But please don’t tell him about this…or the mines.”
“I won’t”
“I’ll go get some water to wash your wounds.”
“No”
“It’s really no problem. I don’t mind”, he gets up.
I grab his shoulder, just a bit harder than I intended. He flinches.
“Enya. No. I will clean them myself.”
He opens his mouth as if trying to say something, but then closes it again and sits down: “Okay”.
Around us, the city as gone dark, the night sky blocked off by the pitch-black shadow of the walls looming above us. Once they must have been lit by torches, guards paroling them or standing still, keeping a watchful eye. Now they lay abandoned, a testament to a world that no longer exists.
“Do you know the story behind those walls?”, I ask.
“No, not really. Do you?”
I shake my head.
“I heard they were made by humans to keep shifters out.”
“Couldn’t they just fly over it though?”
He shrugs his shoulders: “Probably had some war against each other and then later tacked it onto us.”
“I can see them doing that. The outside of the wall is littered with dents, and rusted anchors too. I saw it when I was brought into the city. Maybe they had some sort of additional defense layer. d”
“Oh yeah, maybe. I saw those too.”
“It seems so long ago now, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. I don’t think I realized what it meant back then. That I would never see the outside world again, you know.”
“I didn’t even have my marks then.”
He grins: “No, back then you were still a cute little girl. Who knew she would grow up to be such a violent person”?
“You’re one to talk”
“Oh, I wasn’t the one who threatened to smash someone’s head in.”
I don’t reply.
“Don’t act like you wouldn’t have done it.”
“No, I absolutely would have. And I still will if you ever talk to me like that again.”
Enya chuckles. Amongst the quiet of the city, it sounds unnaturally loud. The clouds have parted, and the moon engulfs the entire garden in a sliver light. I drink it up, the light, the laughter, the stars and the pain. For once, I feel a genuine sadness that all those experiences will stop, thrown into a dich, half a year from now.
“Will you watch over Kara after the tournament? I know I am in no position to ask, but he needs you.”
His face hardens, the boyish joy gone in an instance: “I will. I promise”
“Thank you. If you want anything form Niilan, tell me.”
“Njra, I don’t want that. I don’t want you to have to…”
“He is going to call me anyways. Might as well get some use out of it. If you ever change your mind, say the word.”
“I won’t”
I give a halfhearted smile: “Yes you will.”
“If there was anything I could do to stop him.” Shut the fuck up. Now suddenly. Shouldn’t I be thanking him? “If there’s anything…I…”
“Enya. Don’t.”