Declan had told me ‘the consequences of one's sins are oft punishment enough.’ but It occurs to me, these are not in fact the consequences of my sins.
I am not here because I cursed three people and ended the lives of two, no one even knows what I actually did besides kestrel who don’t even care.
I’m here because of my endeavor to spare her.
It was not wickedness that placed me bare and blood soaked before the officer that night.
Because when I stripped myself and defiled that corpse I did so in an effort to undo the evil I had wrought. I went to such lengths to save Ellie's life even against my own best interests.
And what was the final culmination of that attempted redemption?
Damnation to this bespoken hellscape, scorned most of all by the very person for whom I debased myself to save.
Had I simply accepted her fate and walked away, had I surrendered to apathy, had I been frigid enough to simply let her die, I would not be here, I would have been spared all of this and she would have gone to her grave thinking me no less than an incongruous soul and no one else would ever suspect a thing.
I would have returned to school and lived out the rest of my otherwise ordinary life, perhaps I would be haunted by the specter of guilt, but would that be a worse fate than this?
Somehow I doubt it.
And now for the rest of Ellie’s potentially long life, I will forever be a maniac of the most vile capacity. To all of them I am spiritually and physically beyond salvation.
I awaited my next weekly checkup with the psychologist in the corridor, sitting outside his office on one of the chairs.
There was a strangely dressed man sitting on a chair opposite mine, he was reading a newspaper.
Looking at his attire I briefly wondered if he was a cosplay enthusiast like I was, but chances were he was more likely to be one of those ‘retvrn to tradition’ larpers and probably be more akin Javinka than myself.
“in for another check up?” he asked without lowering his newspaper.
“Are you talking to me?”
“I don’t see anyone else here?”
“Well what else do you think I would be here for?”
“I was just being cordial.”
“Listen Ebineezer, I’m not in this godforsaken nuthouse to make friends.”
“Oh I disagree, I think a friend is exactly what you need right now.”
“then I am afraid you are thoroughly mistaken.”
He lowered the newspaper to consider me. The man had red hair not entirely unlike my own but he also appeared to have eyes of a curiously similar color. Contact lenses? Maybe he is a cosplayer after all.
“What are you even in here for? Trying to espouse nineteenth century values?” I asked.
“no, I’m just visiting an old acquaintance.” He gave a smile of mild amusement.
“oh.”
“but I did hear about your whole ordeal.”
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“Did you now?”
“Yes, I'd rather say you got lucky.”
“lucky? Lucky?! Everyone I know thinks I’m some kind of sick freak and I’m locked in this fucking asylum.”
“no, not that nonsense, I was referring to the…” he made a movement with his hand, his fingers softly coiling and uncoiling in a fluid motion.
My blood went cold.
“w-what-? how do you-?”
“-shall we say, I’m good at knowing things.”
“Don’t give me that vague mysterious bullshite! Answer my question!”
He gave me a look of mild bemusement.
“What's life without a little mystery?”
“Its a shiteshow with or without
“I had my eye on that cauldron since it was put there, so when you came along and started singing around it, I started paying a bit more attention.”
“You were watching the whole time? Then do you know where it came from?”
“I haven’t a clue.” he shrugged.
“Useless... So what the hell do you really want?”
“I’m more interested in what you really want.”
“I want to get out of this shitehole for one thing.”
“And?” he asked.
“and what?”
“what will you do when you leave? Surely your ambitions are greater than that?”
“I don’t know? What do I even have at this point?”
“have you even thought about it?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Why even bother at this point, My parents-my school- Everyone thinks I’m some kind of degenerate maniac!”
“Well, invoking demonic forces to settle a petty grudge, speaks to some degree of social sickness, don’t you think?”
“I didn’t choose for them to-… end up that way.”
“Perhaps not, but you aren’t tearing up with remorse either.”
“Why should I? Did you come here just to guilt trip me as well? What is it with these-?”
“-Not at all, What kind of place would this world be if every single individual was simply content to be trampled upon.”
“I dunno, that doesn’t sound too far from how things really are right now.”
“Mmmm… Maybe we’d simply be further along the path.”
“Aye, I don't suppose you were about to offer me the keys to this abyss just before were you?”
“No, in fact I was going to offer something much better.”
“Oh?”
He smiled. “I’d like to offer you a deal.”
“No, nope, no way, no more deals- I’m done with that shite.”
“Surely there's no harm in hearing me out?”
“No, you’ll just try your little manipulation tricks on me.”
“If you're so certain then you don’t have to fear being swayed.”
“As if I'd trust that.”
“What do you have to lose at this point?”
…
“Are you afraid they’d kick you out of here for being too depraved?” he asked.
“I… fine say your bit.”
“Let me first ask, do you know why you wound up here?”
“Because I trusted a demon, Because I didn’t keep my head down, because I tried to do the right thing?”
“No, you lost out simply because you placed your faith in powers that were not yours. From the beginning, your own fate was surrendered to the whims of someone or something else.”
“Aye… and?”
“What you need, what you really need is power of your own.”
“What kind of power are we talking about here?” I reclined into my chair.
“The power to break out of here for one thing, you might call it a gift though, it doesn't come for free .”
“…and how exactly would one go about acquiring this power?”
“That's the simple part, the true matter is the price.”
“right, and how much is this gonna cost me?”
“It's certainly not cheap, but it's nothing you can’t afford.”
“I think you’re vastly overestimating how much money I have.”
“It's not money I’m interested in.”
His eyes burned with a restrained intensity, as if his very pupils were holding back the fury of hell itself.
“What exactly are you insinuating?”
He reached into his coat and brought forth a thick rectangular object. An ancient tome, untitled and bound in worn black leather.
My body lurched forward in sheer subconscious impulse. Even without ever having seen one before, I knew exactly what it was.
As my eyes returned to his, he smiled slightly.
“Do I have your attention now?”
I considered the situation and my options.
There was no ambiguity to my answer.
“I’m listening… Tell me more…”