What the fuck is wrong with me…? I was really planning to murder that guy- just to erase my own sins… but even he was less deserving than I was!
He never even considered hurting me…
What did Heather mean when she said I was ‘always like this’?!
That demon said it saw potential in me… but I never would have dreamed of going this far only a week ago…
If I had known they would die I would never have done it… wouldn’t I?
Do I have horns sticking out of my head that can be seen by everyone but me?
The sickly hand rose from the pot in anticipation.
“you’ve returned. Did you bring a heart?” It asked me as I approached it.
“No! how am I supposed to get a fucking heart!”
It made a shrugging gesture with its arm.
“Can’t you call it off?! Anything!?”
“it is entirely beyond my control.”
“-What- what if someone else made a wish?”
“highly unlikely, for that someone else would need to hold the same emotions you have towards your target. Only the depths of your own shame and regret has any hope to counteract the curse.”
“Damn it! God damn it!”
“It isn’t so bad.”
“Eh?!”
“You don’t actually have to do anything, you can just step back and your life will essentially return to normal, barring a slightly emptier classroom.”
“I’ll have to live knowing that I killed them!”
“So what? You said yourself that it wasn’t on purpose. You can still pretend you’re a good person.”
“you fucking asshole! You’re the whole reason this is happening to me in the first place! Where do you get off trying to guilt trip me?!”
“Those feelings come entirely from within yourself.”
“horseshite! You called me a slave for refusing to curse them and now you’re telling me I’m a monster because I did.”
“I never called you a monster.”
“You just said I was ‘pretending to be a good person’.”
“You were pretending long before you met me.”
“If I really was a monster, at least I wouldn’t have to feel like this.”
It made that bubbling laughter sound again.
“Mankind is such a thoroughly ridiculous species, fascinating, amusing, but ridiculous, how you indulge yourselves in the pain you inflict on others and then indulge yourselves again with the consolation of the pain you feel in remorse.”
“God damn you! You slimy, filthy, pot lurking atrocity!”
“Is that all?”
…
“How long do I have left?” I asked.
“a couple of hours.”
…
“…so if I give you my own heart… you’ll be able to save her?”
“I can.”
“and what happens to me?” my mind went back to the stoat grasped in its hand, how it screamed.
“The same thing that happens to anyone who loses their heart.”
Damn it…
“So If I agree to that, what will you do to me?”
“as I already said, I will remove your heart.”
…
I leaned over the edge of the pot.
The dark liquid sat as still as stone, its surface now an immaculate mirror reflecting the sorry expression on my face.
The arm shifted to the side, watching me carefully with great anticipation.
I took a deep breath.
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WHO AM I FUCKING KIDDING?!
I fell back on the grass.
I’m doomed to live the rest of my life in guilt and paranoia.
I’ve ruined my own life!
I'm basically a murderer now- or a manslaughterer. Kestrel might overlook hairloss and suicides but this plague of similar deaths… it might be enough to draw their interest, and if they look hard enough with their tools, they’ll find me out. I’ll be imprisoned and maybe experimented on!
It’s over… there's nothing left…
Beyond the grassy hill stood a wall of dark trees.
Refuge of the outcast and forsaken. Salvation of the damned.
…
That temptation to run into the woods and leave it all behind.
This must be what they refer to as the ‘call of the Field’
I just chalked it up to madness but now I think I understand...
What other choice do I have left?
I made my way through the copse, towards the treeline beyond the meadow.
If nothing else, at least I'll be free.
As I took another step my foot caught under a root and I was sent plummeting forwards, my entire body slamming onto the ground
FUCK!
Of all the cursed- stupid fucking thi-
My train of thought screeched to a halt.
It wasn't a root I had tripped over.
My ankle was lying on top of a leg.
I nearly jumped back to my feet.
Laying on the ground behind a bush was a body, the corpse of an adult man. His clothes only slightly dirty, his skin a milky pale, He had brown hair and a mustache. His skin was cold to the touch and he had no pulse.
There is no way…
I can’t believe it! Is this real!?
How can it be?!
After years and years struggling to stay above the icy waves of misfortune- has the hand of fate finally cast me a life ring?
I placed my hands all over the corpse, feeling and pinching the rigid and cold flesh, trying to confirm this wasn’t just some cruel hallucination.
But I could feel the texture of its skin against my own, the corpse was real.
If this actually is happening…then I need to act quickly!
My first action was nearly to cut into him straight away but I stopped myself, realizing that would soak me in his blood. I removed all my clothes and folded them aside.
I’ve got way bigger problems than being seen naked right now and I can worry about washing myself off afterwards. Worst case scenario I can use the leaves to wipe most of it off.
Following the instructions I had previously found online, I cut his chest down the center and used the weight of my body to bore through the sternum. My old kitchen knife was not as effective as I had hoped.
Gruesome didn’t begin to describe it; the blood had blacked and partially congealed, it seemed almost more like oil than blood though it still slicked into the newly made wound. I had to cup my hands to scoop out as much of it as I could, wiping my sticky hands on the grass beside me.
The elation I had felt upon finding the answer to my problem seemed to wither as I continued with the foul work, digging through the viscera with the blade and pulling it away with my bare hands, until finally I reached its heart. After draining more blood and unintentionally slathering myself in it, I slowly severed each of the connected veins by sawing through them until finally, it came free. The cold glistening fruit of my salvation parted from its stubborn branches at last.
“here! Here’s your goddamn heart, you goddamn pot spawn.”
I tossed it into the cauldron, hitting the foul water with a splash.
The hand ‘stared’ at me from a moment.
“Well?” I demanded.
“It's a bit stale but it will suffice, as you wish, so will it be done.”
“Oh Thank god!”
Aha! I did it! I can’t believe I actually did!
I lay back on the grass, this time in relief. I feel like I’ve just woken up from a nightmare, the disturbing deformations that had haunted me have returned to their natural form.
Holy shite…
What were the chances of there being a body right there?!
That’s gotta be some insane odds… Like on the level of divine intervention.
I suppose two people still died technically because of me… but no ones gonna miss them anyway- or I won't at least.
Ellie and I will probably never be friends again but- I’m fine with that. She didn’t deserve to die…
It's insane to think that even after all that happened no one will ever know about any of it, what I went through, what I did, no one will ever-
There was a sound behind me.
I raised my head only to freeze mid motion.
“put your hands in the air. stand up and turn around slowly.”
The kestrel scout I had seen earlier was standing only a few meters away, and pointing a gun directly at me.
A million thoughts were flying through my head but strangely enough the most prevalent was that since I was a child this was the first person besides my parents to ever see me naked.
“I-I”
“MOVE!”
As I rose I saw his eyes look me up and down, his expression of confusion and concern shifting into one of disgust and horror.
My arms instinctively bent to cover myself.
“IN THE AIR! NOW!”
“but-!”
“DO IT!”
“-G-give me a towel or something first Jesus!”
He still looked stunned as if unable to understand what he was seeing.
He raised something else in his other hand and fired a screeching yellow flare into the sky. A few moments later I heard the wail of sirens closing in.
I sort of phased out as it all occurred, like I was watching it all happen to someone else, like watching a tragic comedy play out in front of me, no more than inconsequential actors performing their preordained roles.
It didn’t seem possible that this could happen to me of all people.
They tossed me a large raggedy blanket before cuffing my hands and shoving me in the back of a van.
I had pretty much accepted that my life was over barely an hour ago, before believing I was saved after all only to be cast into hopelessness once again scarcely minutes later.
Would I be sent to juvenile prison? Or regular prison? Would they keep me locked up in their own private dungeon for my meddling with forbidden forces? How much did they actually know?
They brought me underneath kestrel headquarters and threw me into a windowless concrete room. Its saving grace being the few basic necessities it held such as bed, bathroom implements as well as a table with two chairs facing each other.
There also looked to be a clean set of clothes folded on the bed but on closer inspection I saw these were something like a gray prison jumpsuit. undignified though it was, I had nothing else to wear.
Here in this dull pit I was finally stationary and barred from all other actions besides thought. It was in this prison that my mind found itself trapped in a state of flux, a sensation like having just woken up from a nightmare, only to find yourself in a reality so much worse. My mind; so unwilling to accept the truth that it incessantly dreamed up more pleasant, more acceptable delusions, every now and then returning to reality to drown in a chaotic cocktail of panic, anger and despair.