"I just think it's a bit odd is all," Volex said.

"I assure you, you'll find my facilities more than adequate," Elendar said. "This way, we can stay in contact. And, well. I need to pay you for your services somehow, and I keep everything I'd use to do that at my house."

"We're friends," Volex said. "I can accept a deferred payment, Elendar."

"It'll be easier on us both if I don't have to actively remember to pay you."

"The fact you two are friends is news to me," I said. "I mean, Elendar, I've known you for two years, and not once in that time did you mention your Cleric friend who is, apparently, your peer in magical power."

"Yes I have," Elendar said, frowning. "You just don't listen to my personal anecdotes unless they're a personal tragedy."

"To be fair, Ellie, you do have a tendency to ramble," Volex said. "Remember that time you tried to tell me about your PhD defense and I woke up to you yelling at me, and Nel was laughing her ass off, and when I asked what was going on, Nel told me that your story was about putting your committee to sleep with a rambling answer to one of their questions?"

"...I've decided we aren't friends anymore," Elendar said.

"Can I be your friend since Elendar doesn't want to be?" I asked.

"Brat," Elendar said.

"That depends," Volex said. "How high is your tolerance for puns?"

"I'm quite fond of them," I said. "Even have a punchant for them myself."

"We are teleporting back to my house right this instant before one more play on words exits either of your filthy whore mouths," Elendar snapped. "Teleport!"

We reappeared in Elendar's study, and, in a huff, she opened the door to her demiplane, and ushered us inside, slamming the door shut once we were inside.

"...Right, well," Elendar said. "Volex, welcome to my private demiplane, where I keep all of my best toys, and the means to produce more. Here is a copy of the Book of Truth, a +15 competence bonus to any one Knowledge skill at a time, as well as a +2 circumstance bonus for being a masterwork tool."

"That's... extravagant," Volex said. "But, thank you."

"I haven't begun to get extravagant on you," Elendar said. "I have a Timeless Demiplane dedicated specifically to summoning Efreeti for a limitless supply of Wishes, alongside a retraining facility to turn me into a Warlock whenever I need to make something that can't be wished for. In point of fact, nevermind a mere +15 Book of Truth. I'll go make you a proper +30 one."

"No you won't."

A bright red line flew across Elendar's throat, and a horrible spray of blood erupted in its wake.

"Greater Dispel Magic!" Volex cast, even though Elendar had died almost instantly.

An asshole in ostentatious black clothing worn only by actors pretending to be assassins faded out of invisibility, standing over Elendar's fallen body with an elven thinblade in her hand. She sighed and shrugged.

"Well, that was a waste of a Greater Invisibility," the asshole said, taking advantage of the fact that talking was a free action. "Oh well. Name's Lurk. 16th level Tome Assassin. You might've heard of me, if you run in the right circles. Get to my level, and you learn how to bind the souls of the people you kill without needing a spell for it. Very handy if you, say, need to get rid of some meddling kids before they can spoil your plan. Which I'm now going to have to do the hard way."

"You killed Elendar," I whispered.

"I was there, yes," Lurk remarked.

"You killed her," I repeated, my right eye twitching.

"You hyping yourself up for something?" Lurk asked. "Because, between you and me? I know you're Level 4. There isn't a goddamn thing you can do to inconvenience me."

"Shatter."

Lurk recoiled as her thinblade exploded, flinging shards of formerly-magical steel all around the room. "...I stand corrected," Lurk remarked, taking a five foot step backwards. "Oh well. I don't need a weapon to kill you. You know what else a Level 16 Tome Assassin gets? Implosion."

I'd been deep underwater, once. At thirty-ish feet, it's twice the pressure of the ambient atmosphere. Enough to really, really feel it. Simple math told us that it went up another atmosphere of pressure every thirty-odd feet, more or less without practical limit.

You could've teleported me to the bottom of the ocean, and it still wouldn't have hurt as much as Lurk's Implosion did. But, I'd done my reading. Implosion required Concentration, and allowed a Fortitude save to negate it. All I needed was for Volex to break Lurk's Concentration, with... something.

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I really, really wished we had a Warblade right about now.

"HARM!" Volex yelled, delivering somewhere in the neighborhood of 150 points of damage through her hand into Lurk's face, rotting away surface levels of flesh that peeled away to reveal now-infected muscle and tendon in the shape of Volex's fingers. Lurk screamed as she stumbled back, and the pressure let up.

I slipped a wand out of my sleeve, seizing it in my hand and taking careful aim at the Assassin. "I didn't ask how big the room was," I recited. "I said, 'I cast Fireball!'"

"Ring of Evasion, bitch!" Lurk rasped out, dodging my wandshot. Apparently her magic items had finally come back online. She continued to back up, reaching into a pocket, and withdrew a big chunk of black onyx. "Now, let's not be too hasty, now. This gem has your friend's soul in it, and if you break it, she can't-"

"Shatter," Volex said, because she and I were both primary spellcasters who understood how Soul Bind actually worked and were unconvinced by the bluff.

"Ah, shit," Lurk muttered.

"Web," I cast. The funny thing about Web was that, even if you made your Reflex save, you were still considered Entangled in the giant mass of magical spiderwebs. Further, rather than simply moving at half speed- which, for most humanoids, would come out to ten or fifteen feet, falling short enough that they couldn't escape the webs in one round- they instead had to make a Strength or Escape Artist check every round.

And the fun thing about Escape Artist is that, if you tried, you could get it obscenely high, but that was a very big if. Escape Artist wasn't a sexy skill, it didn't do anything amazing. It was entirely about preventing bad things from happening to you, after the Great Assplosiomancy Nerf of the Sixth Reign, and plenty of people ended up skipping purely preventative measures.

Lurk struggled ineffectually, and I knew this fight was over.

"I gotta say," I began, starting to pace. "If it hadn't been for the fact I just got a hell of a lot of XP for kicking your ass, I'm not sure I'd actually believe that you're Level 16. That was pathetic."

"As much as I appreciate a bit of mean-spirited humor, taunting a helpless foe is beneath us," Volex chided me. "Now... Zone of Truth. Who sent you?"

"You think just because I can't lie means I'll actually tell the truth?" Lurk rasped, before breaking into a hacking cough. "Nnh. You're not getting shit outta me."

"...Volex, is your Charisma score higher than 21?" I asked, doing a bit of mental math. "And do you have any ranks in Diplomacy?"

"It is, but not by terribly much," Volex said. "If you're thinking of giving me a Charisma-boosting item, though, you might as well keep it. I've already got a +6."

"Ah, dammit," I said. "Well, we tried Diplomacy, and that didn't work very well, so..."

"Flesh to Stone."

Lurk froze in the middle of her struggling, her body having transmuted to an immaculate monolith of granite. More important than the effects of the spell, though, was the woman who cast it.

"ELENDAR!" I yelled, rushing to her side and wrapping her up in a protracted hug.

"Hello, Selva," Elendar said, warm but tired. "I missed you too."

"Wh- How did- That-" Volex turned and regarded Elendar's still-warm corpse, then Elendar herself. "Do you have another Cleric friend in here somewhere?"

"No, just a prepared clone I made shortly after reaching Level 11," Elendar said. "The spell is 8th Level, but with the spell Planar Binding, I can get scrolls of just about any spell I ever feel like casting. Which unfortunately does not include True Resurrection. I suddenly find myself hoping we face resistance of Lurk's caliber in the rest of this quest; that lost level won't regain itself."

"Ah, well, as it turns out," Volex said. "I've researched a variant on the Restoration spell that restores even lost levels from being resurrected. I don't have it prepared, so it'll have to wait until tomorrow, but..."

"As for that... Selva, I love you too, but please let go of me." I reluctantly set Elendar back down- I'd picked her up during the hug at some point. "As for that, come with me. We've got a solution for that. Selva, be a lamb and clean up those webs, and bring Lurk to the Wishing Chamber."

"You expect me to lift a statue that's three times heavier than a person?" I asked.

"You are as strong as a Hill Giant," Elendar said. "I expect you to be capable of lifting that statue over your head if you so desire."

I groaned, and pointed at the webs. "Prestidigitation." The webs caught fire easily and began to burn rapidly, which had always bugged me; actual spiderwebs, produced by actual spiders, were more-or-less fireproof. Nonetheless, it was an easy way to clean up after myself, and posed no risk whatsoever in a demiplane made of stone. I mean, I whiffed a Fireball and hit one of the walls, and there was no evidence of that whatsoever.

"What are we going to do with your corpse?" I asked, carefully trailing behind the rapidly-expanding fires towards Lurk's statue. "You probably had some insane magical items on it."

"I have literally a thousand of everything inanimate I care about," Elendar said dismissively. "I'll deal with it myself when I have a moment."

"Alright," I said, finally reaching Lurk. "Well, let's see what's in Lurk's pockets."

"A proud adventuring tradition," Volex said.

"Lessee... crossbow bolts, a folding crossbow, a crumpled up grocery list... You know, if Lurk hadn't mentioned the fact she can basically cast Soul Bind at-will, I would be a lot more confused by someone having a pocket full of rocks. Now I'm just disturbed."

"Wait, she can do that?" Elendar asked.

"Yep. She got you, but then she tried to bluff us with your rock," I said. "Then I felt real good about preparing Shatter twice this morning."

"...Hurry up and pick up the statue. We'll sort through them in a minute."

"Got it."