“-. October 11, 5 ANB .-“

Good news, I was going to live. Better news, I didn’t have a concussion. Bad news, I’d be sore for weeks. Worse news, the Third Hokage was next to my bed.

“Mister Masanari.”

My name is, indeed, Masanari Hanzo. The irony is not lost on me. “Lord Third.” There was silence. It was awkward. For my uselessly laid out self, not him. I think. “Since I’m not with T&I yet, I assume Naruto’s fine.” We’d been separated pretty much immediately on arrival.

“He is quite fine.” Puff puff went the pipe. “I believe he will be delighted to know he was the first thing you asked about.”

“Please don’t.” I pushed myself up with a groan. I didn’t feel dizzy, but I waited a bit just in case. Unfortunately, the man continued to not say I wouldn’t be in T&I if Naruto was less than fine. How nice to know guilty until proven innocent was still in vogue. For the victim too. “He doesn’t need any more-“ provocation “-encouragement.”

“I assure you, he is quite distraught at the night’s events.”

He must be if the Hokage is visiting a civilian’s hospital bed at one past midnight to subtly hint that I’d better not question his word instead of literally anyone or anything else. “That makes two of us then.”

“I know it will be no compensation for tonight’s events, but I’d like to thank you for this thorough lesson in unintended consequences, however accidental.”

Awkwardness was back, but alas for it, I wasn’t part of the ninja forces and it hadn’t been that long since I was still suicidal. “… How honestly do you want me to reply to that?”

Sarutobi Hiruzen didn’t laugh. Wonder of wonders, though, he didn’t get angry either. He just looked baffled. It was actually kind of funny, if it was real. “I give you permission to surprise me. This once.”

Which said nothing of how he’d react if the surprise was bad. “Uzumaki Naruto damaged my main means of transportation, desecrated my dead family’s remains, broke into my home and then almost got me killed in my own home, all in the span of one evening.” The smile was gone, but the anger still wasn’t there. Visibly, anyway. “I hope his watcher’s been disciplined for that.” Surprise again, or at least that’s how he wanted to appear. I’ll take it. “It’s October 10th, I assume the kid would’ve been under surveillance even if he isn’t under constant guard the rest of the year.” Look at that, a civilian is lecturing the local military dictator on opsec while alluding to three different S-class secrets, one of which he might not even know. Hopefully the mortician will remember to cremate me too before-

“I was told you were unusually perceptive,” the Hokage said ‘casually,’ now I know where Naruto gets it from.

“Hardly, it’s just common sense what with the whole “–I waved vaguely- “rabbit of the moon thing he has going on.”

This time the look on his face had to be genuine, my pride as a fatalist demanded it. “Rabbit of the moon?”

“Wiggling snout, ridiculously long ears, even longer rear paws, able to leap tall mountains in a single bound, it was clearly a rabbit.”

The Third literally bit his pipe to contain his laughter before he mastered himself. “Perceptive and brazen, I see.”

“Does that mean my articles have finally filtered up?” I didn’t even try to moderate my exasperation. “I don’t suppose the censor nin can be given a kick in the rear for taking so long?”

The Third blinked and slowly lowered his pipe. “Mister Masanari.” Ah, so that’s what will pressure feels like. “Are you admitting to being a spy?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but no.” This should probably have been the point where I started sweating or lost my breath or my heart began to race or any number of fear reactions, but I just didn’t care about my own life enough for that anymore. My silver linings had the biggest clouds, in case it wasn’t obvious. “Powerless civilian nobody unable to survive against a five year-old who isn’t even trying to kill me, that’s all I’ve got for you.”

“Very humble too, it seems.” The pipe was back, though the Hokage seemed oddly pensive now. “You should not be so quick to put yourself down, Mr. Masanari.”

Oh. Well, that’s a nice thought, but. “Five years is hardly quick,” I shrugged, though I didn’t feel it. The Third was going way out of his way to let me lead the conversation. And wasn’t leaving. Or having me dragged into a dark hole. Even if this was just the soft approach to interrogation meant to make me hang myself on my own rope, honestly, it was still better than anything I’d hoped. So. “Besides, I’ve got less than a year to make myself heard before the real disaster.”

“And what disaster is that?”

“The complete and irreversible breakdown of Konoha-Uchiha relations.” And there’s the killing intent.

My heart did skip a beat this time, but that was it. Huh.

The Third Hokage stared at me.

I stared right back.

The silence dragged on.

“… I don’t really know how to proceed from here.” I admitted. “There are laws that say I’ll be executed if I bring certain things up, which is why I haven’t submitted my research yet. While I’m not one to weigh one life against hundreds, I don’t want to die either.” Anymore. “Could I bother you for a spot of pre-emptive amnesty?”

The Third Hokage lowered his pipe and stared at me a long while. “Normally, I would disbelieve that a mere civilian would have any actionable intelligence, but the fact you are willing to make such a preposterous, borderline treasonous claim leaves me hesitant after tonight’s events.” The killing intent faded, but the pressure remained. “You will be contacted. Very soon. I expect proof. Verifiable proof. I trust I needn’t explain what will happen if I do not find it to my satisfaction?”

No yes or no on the amnesty then, I thought glumly. “No, Lord Third.”

“This matter is tabled then.” He put away his pipe and clasped his hands behind his back. “Come.”

Where?

But I got up and followed, because obviously.

He led me out of the room, down the hallways and stairs, past bustling and bowing nurses and doctors. Stately. Sedately. Apropos of nothing, Sarutobi Hiruzen was a very, very short man.

The room we entered was full of a thick, almost buzzing feeling in the air I assumed was waste chakra, clearly wafting from the medic nin and various seal arrays around the room, and that’s all I managed to glimpse before the return of The Menace.

“It’s you! You’re okay, I’m so glad, you were hurt and it’s all my fault, there was so much blood and I thought you were gonna die and that would’ve been awful, I can’t become Hokage if I’m in jail and if you’d died after all that it would’ve been so sad, why did you have all those knives there anyway?”

Where did you come from? I despaired as he yanked so hard on my hands that I barely managed not to fall on my face. “So little hellions guilty of involuntary manslaughter can have an easier time blaming the victim,” I grunted through the spike of pain. Unfortunately for my unequalled wit, Naruto didn’t understand a word I said. I sighed. “You’ll do the same when you get older,” I managed to say. “The sharpest stuff always go on the highest shelves, it’s a habit you have to get into when you’ve got little kids in the house, and I never got out of it after mine died.”

“Oh.” Naruto was glum again. “I’m really, really, really sorry about the ashes mister but look, look, they’re fixing it, see. it’s all gonna be fine, see, they’re fixing it, ninjas are the best!’

This is why I hate everyone’s kids but mine – wait, what are those doing there?

“Crow,” the Third called.

An anbu appeared on bent knee out of nowhere. “Lord.”

I blinked. His voice was indistinguishable but he was lithe and not much taller than the Hokage.

“Please take Naruto home.”

“But I wanna watch!” The boy whined, dropping to the floor with arms crossed. “You keep saying I need to be more responsible, that means I gotta stay and learn how to do this for next time!”

He’s planning a next – gods, please no.

“Think of it as your punishment. Go.”

Naruto jumped behind me to hide, but ‘Crow’ was already on his third afterimage and then there were two more fading out the open and shut window.

This power play was hardly necessary. Why even let this meeting happen at all if he was just going to get Naruto spirited away immediately?

I rubbed my face and looked away from the vanished Menace to… my urns. They were there on the table, all three of them. Emptied. The new jar too. There were two medic nin and a chunin all… doing something. Separating the dirt from the ashes somehow. And… the ashes from each other? An earth technique and two glowing orbs of pale green light working in tandem to… was this really happening? How did that even work? “Can they really do that?” I asked quietly. “You’re not just putting on a show, are you? Because if you are, I’ll wait for you in the afterlife and… do things.”

“We’d both best live as long as possible then,” the Third said mildly, as if he didn’t know how that sounded to the one with none of the power in this situation.

We stood there for a while until I was about to drop and a nurse offered me a chair, which I gladly took. My emotional composure was going on strike. Also, I almost died today and a whole pint of my blood was feeding the cockroaches.

For some reason, the Third stuck around until the very end, when the three nin finished and the senior medic presented me with a box containing the freshly cleaned and refilled urns of my wife and children. “… Thank you.” I thought I’d be more choked up, but maybe the blood loss had sapped me of that too. Or the hit to the head.

But no, it wasn’t just that. It was everything catching up to me at once, robbing me of what should have been the deepest relief in years. There was just so much, and for this amazing show of skill and goodwill… the things that had to happen… Even in the short time since I left home tonight…

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

The Third exchanged some last words with the medic nin and beckoned me. I quietly followed him to the entry hall, where I was confronted with the sight of my cart just outside, all fixed good as new. It… didn’t make me smile. My grip tightened on the box handles and I grimaced.

The Third watched me carefully. “You are still displeased?”

“I get that this is all in good faith, I do, it’s just…” It’s just that state spooks had gone into my house to take my most precious possessions and… do with them whatever they wanted. On a whim. Without asking. Without me even knowing. Even the sight of my repaired cart had a bitter aftertaste, just drove home that I lived at the sufferance of an absolutist police state. And where was that police state while the state’s ward was bringing my workshop down around my ears? I sagged and smiled wryly. “It was nice to pretend I had some control over who goes in and out of my home, for a little while there.”

“I see.” The Third seemed sympathetic, which I didn’t appreciate seeing as how he wasn’t going to act on it in any way, but it’s not like I expected an absolute dictator to apologise for being an absolute dictator. “Then it is a good thing this is not your compensation either.” The Hokage held a hand to the side. The anbu from before reappeared and deposited some sort of permission slip in his hand, which the Third then gave me. “One-time-use direct line to me. Show it to any ninja and they will see you brought to me, or a message delivered if preferable. You may use it at your discretion, to request a boon within reason, or keep it for an emergency. It is up to you.”

Unlike everything else, I thought perhaps too unkindly.

“It was an interesting meeting, Mr. Masanari. Crow will escort you home.”

The Hokage disappeared in a puff of smoke before I could say anything else, so I turned to the Anbu. He formed a seal and transformed into a nondescript teenager with a biddable manner and genuine looking smile. I smiled weakly back and complied when he invited me to climb into my cart. The nin took the handles and set off towards my home.

I didn’t feel particularly brave, but I was increasingly discovering that fatalism was a very effective substitute. “Uchiha Shisui, right?”

The kid almost stopped before recovering. He didn’t answer for a while, probably deciding if he should keep up the act.

I’d comply with the tacit command if he did, but-

“How did you know?”

“The body flicker.” It had been most impressive. ‘Shisui of the Body Flicker’ was famous for good reason. “You look like you can still grow a bit too, so you can’t be any of the seniors. But you’re also too old to be the only other baby Anbu us civilians know of.” Uchiha Itachi was the current ‘face’ of black ops, so to speak. Because politics. “Also, the Hokage let you handle Naruto. Even put you in place of whoever dropped the ball the rest of today.” Unless that was you too, in which case shit job, kid.

“That’s honestly impressive, sir.”

“Not really.” And I still wasn’t lying. “Half the people I know would be able to pick you out in a crowd.”

“Please, sir, no need to exaggerate.”

“I’m really not.” How to explain this without causing offense? Oh look, I can’t. “Admittedly, you’re easier because of the fame of your shunshin technique, but… You know about people and snakes, right?”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Snakes are the one, universal, natural predator of humans that have been there for our entire existence as a race, even after we secured our spot at the top of the food chain. We’ve evolved to be hyperaware of them. We react to them instinctively, spot them from afar even when we’re half blind, they seem bigger than they actually are to our eyes. And even the weakest baby reacts unconsciously to the sound of hissing and slithering, or just to being stared at by a serpent. Humans know when they’re being watched, but with snakes it’s even worse.”

“… Are you calling the Uchiha snakes?”

Don’t knife me, little Crow. “I’m saying we’ve been conditioned to react the same way to humanoid creatures that use mind control.”

The knives didn’t come out. Shisui’s easy going manner dimmed though. “I hear what you’re saying but not how you got there. We don’t use Genjutsu on just anyone and- the Uchiha aren’t creatures.”

“You’re not, it’s really not your fault,” well, not this generation’s anyway. “Pay attention, I said it’s an evolutionary trait. That means it’s induced over a very long span of time, it doesn’t just crop up in a handful of generations. Though in this case, I could see it being accelerated due to the sheer scale at which it was used.” I hesitated on what came next, but this was too good an opportunity and it was a fair distance to my home, that’s why I needed the lift in the first place. “How much do you know about ancient history? Ancient as in before the wandering clans era, I mean.”

Creak creak went the wheels. They hadn’t oiled them. I was absurdly relieved by that oversight.

“I know the academy course and my own clan’s chronicles, plus a bit of reading on the side, but I’m dying to hear your own take on it, sir.”

“Right, well, I’m only going to say what’s been passed down to me.” By a work of fiction from another world, but I wasn’t going to say that. “So don’t be surprised if it sounds hyperbolic.” Even though it’s really not.

“Cross my heart, sir.”

“You say that now.”

And so, for the rest of the way to my home, I regaled poor Uchiha Shisui with the condensed history of the Ootsutsuki ‘demon’ parasites, the Shinju, Rabbit ‘Goddess’ Kaguya the Enslaver, the tale of the two brothers, and the life of the Six Paths Sage and his many-tailed children that were subsequently undermined and enslaved by his non-tailed children. And their children’s children. And their children’s children’s children and that’s where I stopped because I was on a deadline. I made sure to use all the proper names. I even mentioned 'Kaguya’s will’ that escaped into the world at the end of the apocalypse to set up the stage for her return through mind-bending corruption.

I only left out that thing about the moon maybe, possibly being populated. I didn’t want to sound like a complete lunatic.

“And that’s why the uncanny valley exists,” I finished when Shisui stopped at my gate. I climbed down from my cart. “Animals generally have no trouble with other creatures that resemble them, but we humans experience fight or flight instinct if another person looks… well, wrong. It means that, somewhere, somehow, human-seeming creatures must have preyed on us for a long, long time. Long enough for it to become a survival trait to recognize them on sight. And because mind control was the equivalent of paralytic venom for the things, it got lumped in with the rest. That’s how the tradition goes, anyway.”

The nondescript transformation technique stared at me. “That’s quite the story, sir.”

I looked at him flatly. “That reaction is exactly why us powerless sods avoid telling you lot anything. You ninja are all capable of reshaping the landscape with magic and making us think we’re stuck in hell as ducks, but somehow it all becomes unbelievable when somebody else does it. I don’t know what kind of trait that is, but it’s not a survival one. All that chakra must be going to your heads.”

I wasn’t entirely joking. Since chakra reincarnates, wouldn’t that actually happen? There had to be a reason why some people advanced fast enough to become elite murderers by age five. It’s not like accelerated maturation was a regular phenomenon or anything.

Oh well. I looked at the ninja. “Thanks for the lift.”

Shisui waved, and then I blinked and realized it was already just an afterimage. Of course.

Way to enforce the stereotype.

I stowed my cart in the shed and set about checking my home over. I hadn’t stopped to look after the accident, so I couldn’t tell if someone had been through the mess in the basement. I did check the wall though. The holes were there, but all the nails seemed to have just… slipped out. Despite that some of them were very rusted. Which didn’t make sense. Unless it ate right through and literally severed the things, rust just made nails stick harder. There’s no way a bump from a strip of a boy would have done this.

A setup? The thought chilled me, as if I wasn’t in limbo already. But why? And for who? Me or Naruto? But then why didn’t they act when it happened? Or at any other point?

Come to think of it, how would… whoever it was even know it would happen that way? Were they there, watching the whole time? Could they see the future? Or maybe that wasn’t all they did. Was the Anbu an undercover Root? Did the Hokage know? How far did the rabbit hole go? Was there a rabbit hole at all? Disquieted, I walked around my workshop, tugging on all the other shelf racks I had, which were also nailed to the wall. They all held firm.

This makes zero sense.

Too disturbed to sleep, I went over my entire house. I didn’t find any seals in the obvious places, or in the not so obvious places I could get to without turning the entire place upside down. It would have been nice to think that meant there weren’t any surveillance bugs, but ninja could have rearranged all my furniture and put it back well before I even got to the hospital, never mind the time since. There was an ear seal or whatever it’s called in every single joint my bed had, for all I knew.

I hate it when I can’t tell paranoia from common sense.

I couldn’t sleep, so I just stayed at my desk for a while, gun in one hand and papers in front of me. I collected and arranged the big one. Stacked all the excerpts and references in a neat pile. I could only assume the ninja who retrieved my funeral urns and cart had done only that. If they’d searched my place properly, I doubt any of this would still be here. Or me, even. The title was kind of damning.

The Breakdown of Konoha-Uchiha Relations: Sabotage or Malice?

I once thought I’d have to come clean about my reincarnation to someone and hope for the best. Then I did an academic-level article for the newspaper on a whim – the first of its kind in this world, there were people outright citing my pen name these days, I was the father of academic rigor – and I was thoroughly baffled at how much data just… floated in the public consciousness. And public records. It made the censored stuff like the continuity of Kyuubi jinchuriki and Naruto’s parentage stand out like his orange jumpsuit. Which Naruto didn’t have yet, incidentally.

I pondered my talk with Shisui. Wondered if he had finished reporting it to the Third yet. I wasn’t lying, I’m not the minority thinking like that, even without the whole snakes and mind control thing. It’s why I have any confidence at all in… well, this thing that might see me executed by tomorrow evening. Tobirama’s ‘boon’ to the Uchiha was a white elephant. When your clan is the only one enforcing the law, that means that everyone hates you for every mistake ever made by law enforcement. Moreover, it means constant, simmering resentment because who would actually bother to contest any perceived police injustice after the third dismissal, when the same people committing them are the ones handling the appeals? ‘We have examined our actions and deemed them to be righteous’ was the vastly prevailing perspective, regardless of how true. The Konoha citizenry was unified in its mistrust and resentment of the Uchiha.

And everyone who disagreed was quickly ostracised out of fear of retaliation. Quietly, but effectively. My neighbours would ruin me if they knew what I talked to Shisui about. If I didn’t use a pen name on my articles, I’d long have been vilified for stirring the pot. And while there were a fair few who might express dislike to this part of Konoha culture, they all blamed the Uchiha for that too.

And all the while, the other shinobi clans watched all of it happen and passed judgment.

The thing that pissed me off most is that the solution was so simple.

But since when did those in power ever do the simple thing? It was like finding bigfoot. In both of my lives.

I still couldn’t sleep, so I went back down to my workshop to clean up. I didn’t rush, I did things good and thoroughly and even nailed the shelf rack back to the wall again. But it wasn’t morning when I finished. Curse my efficiency.

I sat at my worktable, looking at the broken picture frames and Naruto’s clumsy attempt to fix them. The nin hadn’t done anything to this for some reason. I hope that didn’t mean the Hokage intended for Naruto to come and try again. He couldn’t be, right? I haven’t offended that badly, or at least I hadn’t when he ordered this.

I decided to make new frames then and there, just to make sure that wouldn’t happen. I even had enough spare glass. And it still wasn’t morning when I deposited the pictures back to their places on the fireplace mantelpiece.

I went to the back yard then, to watch the sky like my wife used to. For all of two minutes. I never had patience to do nothing.

I went back inside and down to the workshop to tinker. From what I knew about Sarutobi Hiruzen, and what had been confirmed today, he liked the soft approach, which was why he used Shisui today and why he would probably continue to do so to put me at ease. I had a few hours, more if the Hokage decided to give me time to rest.

The look on the kid’s fake face when he saw the Tesla coil was only surpassed by his reaction when I hooked it up to my phonograph and made the spark on top play and dance to its own music.

“Mister Crow. I guess I’m being summoned.”

Shisui, to my gratification, actually had to put effort into tearing his eyes away. “Yes, sir. I’m to lead you there at once.”

He didn’t ask. That, too, was most impressive.

I picked up the binder I’d prepared, reluctantly didn’t look at the drawer where my second gun was stashed, and followed Shisui to the Hokage tower. And as I walked, I pondered the nature of whims and the dramatic change they seemed to bring about in this world.

In my past life, I was a plasma physicist. I wasn’t particularly ambitious, and I didn’t achieve a capstone in my field or anything. But that didn’t mean there weren’t others who did. And it certainly didn’t mean that the whim didn’t strike me to do something similar here. Unlike with my side work in journalism, that whim wasn’t followed up on. Now, though, I was having second thoughts.

It probably wouldn’t lead anywhere, but that was alright. Between telephones, audio tapes, television, computer networking, miniaturising anything, cars, there would surely be something I could break the world’s spine on that the ninja wouldn’t immediately shut down. Most of the technology existed already.

If nothing else, I’ll at least be rich.

My mind flashed back to the Tesla coil.

I wonder how chakra will interact with that?

In my past life, plasma physicists with means not much different than mine had successfully created plasma-based lifeforms.

If I was still alive tomorrow, I was going to recreate the experiment.