“-. October 28, 5 ANB .-“

Naruto was stalking me.

It was horrible.

I felt watched whenever I passed a second-floor window, the chair outside my gate was always an inch off, my neighbours were drawing away, the vendors were giving me the hairy eyeball, every time I was out I felt like I was being followed, I was getting a complex whenever I stepped out on the streets, Uzumaki Naruto was ruining my life.

This could not be borne.

Pre-emptive action was urgently required.

I briefly considered the positively absurd notion that feeling myself being watched meant I wasn’t also being watched by ninja because I couldn’t feel them. I promptly dismissed the notion. Obviously, ninja knew how to run surveillance without looking directly at people. The ninja way had a lot of problems, but skill wasn’t one of them.

The way of the powerless sod it is.

Business as usual then.

I’d already twisted my exalted specialty towards the ignoble task of toy making because Konoha’s power lines were mostly decoys except for the isolated network installed on the main streets for shops and restaurants to tap into. I also had to become an accredited doctor in the opposite of my specialty just to avoid becoming a passive accessory to mass murder. Now it was apparently time for an experimental dive into the field of social psychology too.

It went something like this.

“Yori! I'm in a pickle! The Menace won’t leave me alone, what do you think I should do? No I don’t want to go to Fumihito about this, you know how faint of heart he is, that’s why I came to you. The neighbours say what? Well clearly they haven’t called on your wisdom as much as I have, please indulge me goodman. No, I can’t do any of that because there’s ninja watching us now. I know, it’s unconscionable for the rest of you! Wow, all my options are shit, aren’t they? You’re right, the only thing I can do is try to train the beast into something that at least acts enough as a human to get some peace around here again. I’ll tell everyone what you said and let them know there’s no hard feelings, Fumihito will be relieved.”

“That’s not what I – I didn’t mean – Masanari wait, Hanzo, HANZO!”

“Fumihito! You won’t believe what Yori told me, I went to him for advice about the damned Menace stalking me and it turned out my only option is to indulge the brat and hope I can train it to act human for the sake of the rest of us. Figured I should let you know, I know how tense you’ve been with what’s been happening, I don’t want you to keep stressing out. No, I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure the ninja will keep watching us forever now, but hey, at least the Menace means it won’t be the nin-who-must-not-be-named, that’s something, right? Hey Fumihito, why don’t you go lie down, you’re looking a bit pale there, I’ll do your groceries while I’m out looking for hellion bait, bye now!”

“I’m not – How’s that supposed to – Why would the nin – Hanzo, HANZO!”

Yori was that insufferable extrovert that wanted to know everything and gave you unsolicited advice on everything while eating your best food and planning how to best step on you to get ahead. Fumihito was that easily exhausted introvert that couldn’t say no to anyone and dealt with his problems by hiding in his backroom until you went away. Fumihito’s wife was the stereotypical screeching gossip that couldn’t keep a secret any more than she could let you mind your own business, especially if it gave her an excuse to go over your head and speak to the manager.

The entire neighbourhood was despairing over Naruto’s impending ‘infestation’ and blaming Yori for it by next morning. The men dropped by in ones and twos to drink my booze. The women descended on me all at once to dispense their pity. Nobody suspected me of anything for even a second. I was the poor widower putting on a strong front for the invisible ninja after the brat desecrated my family’s remains and put me the hospital. Yori was the neighbourhood asshole.

Sorry old boy, negative karma called and asked for your address.

Now for the second half of this crisis.

The Menace seemed to have precisely no trouble waking up at the crack of dawn, seeing as he needed to cross a fair chunk of the village to begin his haunting as early as he did. I could already feel the staring when I walked out my gate for my morning shopping. I couldn’t even stay inside and space my outings to confuse the brat anymore. There hadn’t been a single day since Exposition Week that I didn’t need to go out in the morning. I kept running out of fiddly bits for my tools, and the tools to make better tools, and some of them could only be made by craftsmen on order. Most importantly, today was time for me to pick up my extremely fragile order from the glassworker.

Naruto could not be allowed within a hundred meters of that.

Now, I knew how this world functioned with regards to corralling messiahs. I therefore seriously considered the nuclear option. Pictured myself breathing deep, my hands on my hips, head tilted back and screaming ‘NARUTOOOOOOOOO!’ at the top of my lungs. Maybe my head would even grow to thrice its size like a certain academy teacher.

But because that was absolutely ridiculous, I instead unveiled a big sign with an artistic rendition of me seated on my chair and a mini Naruto sitting sullenly on the ground in front of me. Then I took a seat on said chair and waited. When that didn’t do anything for five minutes, I went inside, came out with some of the pity cake that the neighbourhood housewives had used as pretext to get all up in my business, and began to eat, a second plate next to me in the open.

Naruto was in front of me in less than thirty seconds.

I took another bite, took my time chewing and only spoke when I finished. “Good boy.”

“I’m not a dog!”

“No, you’re a Menace.” I gave him his serving.

“You suck!” But he took the slice and practically inhaled it, immediately looking longingly at the empty plate.

I took it back and gave no hint that I had ten times the amount back inside. Someday Konoha would suffer Uzumaki Naruto on a sugar rush and it won’t be my fault when it happens. “Kid, you need to stop stalking me.”

“I’m not stalking you!”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not.”

“Just for that you don’t get any more cake.”

“You have more?!” Naruto gasped before he could catch himself. “I mean, I don’t care about your stupid cake, believe it!”

“I don’t, in fact, believe a word you say,” my mild tone made the brat all but shriek in outrage. “What do you want from me that you haven’t already taken, kid?”

Naruto opened his mouth, closed it and crossed his arms, turning away with a huff.

“Naruto.”

Naruto turned back around. Sullenly.

“What’ll it take for you to stop following me around?”

“I’m not following you!” Naruto lied. Badly. “I can go wherever I want! It’s your fault for always being in the way!”

“Kid, let me make this clear for you.” I leaned forward and spoke, very blandly. “What you’re doing is creepy, it makes my skin crawl whenever I leave my house, the salesmen look at me like I’m cursed and it’s driving a wedge between me and my neighbours.”

“I’m not a stalker!”

“Yes you are, kid, the word literally means exactly what you’re doing.”

“… It does?”

“Yes.” Thank the Sun, he finally gets it! “You need to stop. It’s creepy and makes people want to throw you off the Hokage monument.”

“Do you want to throw me?”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“When will you stop being so mean?” Naruto whined. “The Old Man says good people forgive each other!”

He told you that even though you’re the one causing all the trouble? “There’s no each other, kid. I never did you wrong ever.”

“I know!” Naruto burst, surprising me and all the eavesdropping neighbours, bloody busybodies. “I know…” Naruto deflated. “I’m trying to help!”

I stared at him in disbelief.

Naruto puffed his cheeks. “I’m trying to figure out how to help, alright!”

I snorted. I just couldn’t… what even was my life? “I don’t need nor want the help of a snot-nosed brat.”

“Who’re you calling snot-nosed?! And what gives, my help is awesome, why are you saying no?”

“Kid, you already helped me closer to my grave, that’s enough to last me a decade.”

“Why are you still so mean, it’s been ages! Do I have to apologize again?”

“No. Because you don’t mean it.”

“I do so mean it!”

“No you don’t. You know why?”

“Alright, shitty old man, tell me why then!”

How harsh can I be here without doing more harm than good? “Because you haven’t made amends, kid. The Hokage swooped in to fix all your damage. You didn’t fix my cart. You didn’t heal my back. You didn’t wrap my bandages. You didn’t do favors for the local anthill to have them sort my dead children’s ashes. Now, I don’t expect you to do any of that, you’re a tiny 5 year old child. But you still shout and yell and break people’s things and stalk people to the edge of madness because they happen to be in the way. You haven’t changed, kid.”

“But that’s why I’m here!” Naruto stomped his foot in frustration. “I’m trying to do a good thing here, what kind of weirdo says no to that?! I’m doing you a big favour, Uzumaki Naruto isn’t a charity you know!”

How many people used that on you that you know how to use it without knowing what it means? “Look kid, why are you so obsessed with me?”

Naruto opened his mouth to yell something, paused, closed it and then spoke with all the certainty of someone repeating the words of his authority figure of choice. “The Old Man says you have to make it up to someone when you do wrong. I want to try to help you somehow, if I can? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?”

Sarutobi Hiruzen, you absolutely suck at this. “Not when it’s not your decision to make.”

Naruto opened his mouth and closed it, not understanding.

“Look kid,” I sighed. “You do not decide for other people. Especially when you caused the harm in the first place. Your attempt to ‘help’ me last time only made things worse. In fact, all you showed me was that you have more power over the bad things in my life than I do. Why would I want more of the same? Why would I want to see the same person exert more power than me over the good in my life too?”

Naruto’s face scrunched as he tried and failed to understand what I was saying.

The intellect of 5-year-olds is as annoyingly inconsistent in this world as their attention span. “Right. Forget about that, this isn’t working.” I sighed and brushed my hands clean, then leaned forward. “I’m here. You’re here. I can see you. I acknowledge that you exist. I’m listening. What do you want?”

Naruto warbled, sniffled, scowled, angrily wiped his nose and eyes with his sleeve and failed at imitating my angry snarl of so long ago so badly that he looked like a pouting bunny.

I waited.

But in the end, Uzumaki Naruto was an ostracised child who didn’t understand what he wanted. The next outburst was inevitable.

It was just the content that surprised me.

“You lied to me.”

Eh? “… I don’t follow.”

“You lied to me!” Naruto hollered. Loudly. “You said they-people don’t hate me ‘cuz of–it’s not because I’m a bastard! Most people never even thought of that, did they?” Because it was perfectly fine if everyone in Konoha heard him breaking the Jinchuriki taboo. Apparently. “It’s something else they hate me for, the Old Man admitted it!”

Thanks for the big fat nothing with no more amnesty on top, Sarutobi. “You caught me, kid.” My bland tone completely derailed Naruto’s rant. “It’s only some people that hate you for being a bastard, literally like I told you last time.”

“You-that-stop trying to confuse me!” Naruto shrieked. “Tell me the truth!”

“What truth?”

“What do you mean what truth, the truth is the truth, isn’t it?”

“It is, but you’re not – did the Old Man put you up to this?”

“Forget the Old Man, I’m asking you!”

And that was no small thing with Uzumaki Naruto, was it?

I leaned back and watched Naruto thoughtfully. “Alright kid. I think I know what to do now.”

The Menace twitched in place, not knowing what to do.

“Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

I went inside and came back a couple of minutes later with my Plan B. Naruto was scowling with his teeth bared at the neighbours craning their necks over their various fences. But he was still right there where I left him.

The kid almost collapsed in relief when he saw I hadn’t just stood him up, then his eyes zeroed in on the coloring book immediately.

“My family has a tradition.” My ancestors had a tradition in a different era in a different time and world. “It’s called the Gifting Cycle. We don’t impose on the hospitality of others lightly. We only do so to enrich each other, and we always bring one of two things: important news, or an important gift. The Gifting Cycle isn’t about money, it’s about keeping good relations. A gift can be not just an object, but a favour, protection, sharing something, love.”

Naruto’s eyes snapped up from the book to my eyes.

I’m about to disappoint you kid. “For you, though, there are only two gifts that you can give me right now. Peace and quiet. Time and space..” Freedom, but that’s not on you.

Naruto backed away, looking hurt. “… If you want me to go away, you can just say so.”

Is that why you didn’t show your face, to deny me the opportunity? “Don’t get all dramatic.” That startled Naruto all over again. “Kid, it’s called the Gifting Cycle, not the ‘Let’s See How I Can Make You Go Away’ Cycle. The value of a gift is in the amount of wellbeing it brings, not by what the gift is or by the act of giving. If I give you a gift, it’s because I want good to happen to you too, not just me.”

Naruto fidgeted, not meeting my eyes. “So… is that for me?”

“Maybe. Do you understand what me giving it to you would mean? For you?”

Naruto’s face twisted as if thinking actually made him uncomfortable, but it was probably just because he didn’t get many nice expressions to imitate during his formative years, with all the- “I’m supposed to give something back.” No duh, kid- “And… and I can’t bother you again until I have something for you that’s just as good?”

“No, kid,” I sighed. “Well, yes, but not how you mean. It means that I appreciate your intentions but not your actions and want to fix this Cycle of Gifts that you started so horribly badly.”

“Oh!” Naruto said as if he understood, even though he probably didn’t. “Why didn’t you just say so? I mean-hey, that was still mean!”

“I’m being honest, kid. Because I hope you don’t actually want everything you do to keep hurting me.”

“I didn’t-don’t! I don’t! I really don’t, I promise!”

“I believe you, but I don’t believe you can help it. Your decisions have all been crap, kid.”

“Ack! I get it, I get it, mister, geez…”

Of course, Naruto was actually right about the side benefit of the Gifting Cycle, because his thing was to be exceedingly perceptive only when it was most annoying – the other guy did tend to only visit when he had a gift at least as good or meaningful as the last one you gave him.

Let's see how Naruto deals with that.

But first. “Come on, kid. Show me where you live. If you behave yourself, I’ll even answer your question.”

“I’m super well behaved, you better believe it, but what question-I mean, my question, duh, yeah, that!”

Yeah, that.

Now let’s see if I can catch lightning in a bottle a second time.

“Right. So, the only other idea I have about why people are mean to you is pretty crazy, but remember, kid, you asked for this.”

“I did! I wanna know! What is it?”

“The curse of the Moon Rabbit.”

“EEEH?”

And so, for the entirety of the way to his home, I regaled the positively star-struck Uzumaki Naruto with the condensed fairy tale of the evil horned brownie clan, the Shinju chakra tree, Rabbit ‘Goddess’ Kaguya the Enslaver, the tale of the two brothers, and the last act of the Rabbit Herself who, in her spite at being imprisoned at the heart of the moon, inflicted a terrible curse on the Six Paths Sage and his brother and children. And their children’s children. And their children’s children’s children and that’s where I stopped because Naruto couldn’t wait no more to hear why people thought he had the curse. I made sure to describe all nine of the ‘distinctive birth marks’ exactly. I even mentioned ‘the Moon Rabbit’s shadow’ that always emerges to stir up the curse in some dreadful new way.

“And that’s why your whisker marks have people convinced you’re bad news,” I concluded when Naruto finally stopped in front of the familiar building I knew from another life. He was already living alone, how early was he removed from the orphanage? Why? “It sucks, but their concerns are legitimate. It’s unfair, but that’s how it is, kid. And for those who were on the fence, a lot of them have made up their minds now that they’ve seen what you did to me. You really just punched yourself in the face with that one.”

Naruto was staring at his feet. “… I’m sorry, mister. Am I really cursed?”

Despite myself, I smiled and poked him in the head. “You’re certainly something, you Menace you.”

“Stop that!”

“Oh? Maybe you’ll like this better.” I ruffled his hair. My hand was big. It engulfed almost his entire head. Naruto leaned into it.

Then he froze.

But didn’t pull away.

I pulled back first and tapped his head with the coloring book. “Here you go, kid. It’s a couple weeks late, but Happy Birthday.”

Naruto took it gingerly, carefully, as if it was the most important thing in the world.

“Only open it inside. I made it all myself so I don’t want anyone other than you to see inside it first.”

“… Thanks, mister,” Naruto sniffled. Hiccupped.

Tug at my bleeding heart, why don’t you. I sighed and ruffled his hair again.

He jumped me and tearfully clung to my waist for the next five minutes. He just won’t give up until he grows on me like a fungus, will he?

I’m not going gently into that good night, you little brat.

Naruto did untangle himself from me eventually, but I had to nudge him all the way to his building’s front door, the kid wiping his face with his sleeve all the way over. Even then, he lingered. Staring at the cover and the words. ‘Hanzo’s Peerless Coloring Book, Collector’s Item, Only One of its Kind.’

“Well kid, I gotta run. Lots to do today, as every other day. You have fun now and don’t put anyone else in the hospital, hmn?”

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

“How do I change but still stay me?”

… Whoa.

I stared down at the kid who seemed incapable of looking at me anymore.

Don’t ask all the hard questions at once, kid.

Naruto didn’t say anything else. But he didn’t move either. Not beyond carefully hugging the book close to his chest and looking down.

I watched the kid some more, thinking. “If you’re serious… Then you start by changing the stuff you do that’s reactionary. You already control what you with your own ideas. But when you react to someone else, it’s them controlling you, not you.”

“… Like my pranking, right?”

“And the stalking, the yelling, even everything else I’ve seen you do after those didn’t turn out how you liked them.”

“Like when I put you in the hospital because I pranked the shopkeeper.”

“That’s right. And you pranked the shopkeeper because…”

“… Because he short-changed me?”

“No, that’s what he did, now what you did.”

“I got angry.”

“And?”

Finally, Naruto looked up at me again. “… And that’s it?”

“No. Your anger was legitimate, the man wronged you. That’s not the problem. It’s what you did with it.”

This time, Naruto had to pry his own words out through his teeth. “I wanted payback.”

“And you looked for the quickest, loudest way to get it.”

“Yeah…”

How much could I say that a five year old kid could remember? How far was I allowed to go before someone intervened here? “Justice and vengeance aren’t the same thing, but they do overlap a lot of the time. Unfortunately, you can’t tell between them, never mind the rest. And your response is never equal to the crime because you never stop to wonder about it, Naruto. You have no restraint. If you ask me how you can change but still stay you, my advice is to start there.”

“… Okay.” Naruto sniffled, wiped his nose with his sleeve and put on his best ‘this is me determined to be good’ face despite the huge tear tracks on his cheeks. “I can do that.”

I flicked him in the forehead. Gently. “Then I’m rooting for you, kid. Go on, upstairs you go.”

Naruto grudgingly made tracks, stopping to look back at me repeatedly, even lingering in the doorway just to check I was still there before finally disappearing into the building.

And with that it was over.

Somehow I expected this to be a lot more difficult.

It was probably my daughter’s fault. My little Yui, now she was a brat and then some.

I turned around and set off, checking my pocket watch to track the time. It had been a big expense, but time keeping was essential in the field of physics. Also, it was essential to measure how long it took to be accosted by or on behalf of the Anbu or Hokage, or whoever else was currently looking through Naruto’s new gift while he was washing his face in the bathroom. Paging through the scale-accurate line art of the life story of the nine tailed beasts, complete with their birth and their dad and their growth to adulthood and their real names.

It didn’t happen on the way back to pick up my cart from home. It didn’t happen on the way to my appointment. It didn’t happen while I was inside, bartering for discounts on repeat orders. It didn’t happen while I was loading my cart with my very fragile box.

It did, however, happen just as I passed the first side alley on my way back home.

“You’re quite the loremaster, Mister Masanari.”

The same nondescript appearance. The very kind of conversation opener I expected. My free will gibbered in the self-same existential terror as for every Uchiha before. But the dread was ever so slightly lesser, the casually subdued mimicry had been replaced by merely subdued mimicry, and the voice was coming from slightly lower than before. “Uchiha Itachi, right?”

“Hah! I told you he’d notice!”

Uchiha Shisui had just flickered into being on my right, and he was not transformed.

A burst of smoke, and suddenly Itachi wasn’t either. “I never doubted you, Shisui. I merely assumed it would take more time.”

“You mean any time, little cousin.”

Oh fatalism, where have you gone – oh there you are. “Am I being arrested?”

Shisui snorted. “Not hardly, we’re here bearing gifts!”

“Compensation for services rendered,” Itachi corrected. “Also, a missive from my father. I am to hand it to you and confirm your receipt.”

I took it mechanically. That was one fancy envelope. “Do I have to sign anything?”

“No, my witnessing will suffice. Good day, sir. It was a very revealing meeting.” Without another word, Uchiha Itachi disappeared in a puff of smoke.

I stared at the empty space, feeling more than a tad dumbfounded at seeing Uchiha Itachi quite literally run away. “… I didn’t expect him to be shy.”

I think I meant it as a joke, but-

“Don’t mind my cousin, that’s just how he is.”

Wait, that’s really what happened? I didn’t just hallucinate that? “Uchiha Itachi is shy?”

“And hides it behind professionalism, yes. When he doesn’t know how to deal with a situation anyway. It’s been happening less and less, I was worried I wouldn’t get to see it anymore. Ha! The day he snaps will be a time for the ages. Anyway, I can take the cart if you’d like to look over whatever that is.”

“… Thanks for not just doing it.”

Shisui’s smile faded and he nodded seriously. “We do listen, sir.”

I tried and probably failed not to show how my heart sank at the potential secondary meaning of what he just said.

Shisui handed me a shoulder satchel and was soon pulling my cart, still not transformed. I began to pry the envelope open while I walked alongside. “Publicity stunt?”

“New optics Clan policy,” Shisui nodded. “The KMP is still reviewing proposals, but Lord Fugaku feels it best that non-police clansmen be the first to begin rehabilitating our image, as per your recommendations.” Bloody hell. “I’ve been empowered to answer your queries about that and anything else, insofar as I don’t reveal any clan-only secrets.” Insofar as he didn’t – that said nothing of anything I already knew or deduced. Holy- “I’ve also been given similar dispensation by the Hokage relative to the very belated dispensations detailed in that bag. I’m technically off duty right now, but I volunteered to answer any questions you have. There’s quite a few things in there, some of whom won’t go forward without your agreement. I’d prefer if we were in private when going over it, but it’s your decision.”

I immediately began mentally running through what public locales I could stand. No offense to Shisui but paranoia didn’t exist when you lived in ninja central.

That’s when I finally opened the envelope, read the thing inside and promptly discarded that plan. I did not have nearly enough money to play patron for the amount of time this would take to sort out. “… Is he serious?”

“I don’t actually know what’s in there, sir.”

“An invitation. In formal slant. To Uchiha Sasuke's birthday party.”

Shisui actually stopped in surprise this time. “Wait, what?”

I came to a halt too, eyes wide. “He sent you into this blind?” That was just… “Unbelievable…”

“Not just me, apparently,” Shisui shook his head, mouth twitching.

“Who-wait, Itachi? He didn’t know what was in here either?”

“If he did he wouldn’t have vanished, Gods, it’s just like that man to test his son’s loyalty like this, I’m going to make fun of Itachi for days, this is just too good.”

Fugaku sent his kid to deliver an invitation to his other kid’s birthday party without telling him. That man was something else.

Shisui resumed walking, so I forced myself to walk along. The wheels were starting to creak again, I’d have to oil them again soon. “It says here it’s six months from now, is this normal?”

“For weddings, maybe, it can go as long as a year or more actually. For this though, a month or at most three is the done thing.”

“What does it mean? I have my own suspicions, but…”

“I think we both know well enough by now that your ‘suspicions’ are probably the way to go, sir.”

That was supposed to be flattering, I was sure of it, but somehow it just made me dread my life even more.

This was all Naruto’s fault. If he hadn’t cursed me with seven years of bad luck when he broke that mirror, none of this would have happened.

I’ll need new formal clothes for this, won’t I? I looked at Uchiha Shisui, weighing the risks to our budding friendship against the risks of false friendship with a quick cost-benefit analysis in my head. “I guess I need to see a seamstress. Sorry to impose on you, kid, but since we’re already out…”

“I’m hardly a child, sir.”

“You just turned thirteen,” I flatly said. “Be glad I’m letting you pull my cart, never mind everything else you’re too young for.”

Shisui looked at me intensely for a moment, then shrugged. “Fair enough.”

We drew many, many bewildered looks on the way to Madam Aimi, but since Shisui was ultimately still a kid mid-way through his growth spurt, there was more surprise and sympathy on my behalf than wariness and resentment, so that was something at least. I expected Shisui to accompany me inside, but he declined. “I’ll stay here and put myself on display for the kids over there. They look like they’ll escape their parents’ leash any moment now. Good ice breaker, right?”

“Good luck proving you’re not one of those guys, then.”

“Thanks!”

Formal clothing was always expensive, but not so much as right after the Kyuubi attack, so it turned out I could afford something relatively nice even if it would cut into what I’d set aside for my experiment. The seamstress had a wide selection of fabrics and patterns. I briefly lamented the styles – though there were various casual options in this world, most of the continent and especially Fire Country were explicitly Japanese in customs. So I couldn’t, alas, commission anything resembling the traditional men’s dress of Ireland. Well, I could, I’d doodled enough to come up with a positively regal adaptation of the historical garb, if I do say so myself. But alas, I’d look ridiculously out of place in a trius and léine.

I still took a few liberties, though. I chose the strongest fabrics I could, even splurged on a fine over-layer for the haori just in case. I chose mostly shades of yellow (I was traditional like that) though I chose red for the haori lining, and the obi and under collar had subtle abstract brocade for the hems, done in green to go with my eye color. I also, despite myself, decided in the end that I couldn’t make do without at least some homage to my distant past life, so I ultimately commissioned an actual mantle as well, though done in the thinnest wool available and outlined with tiger fur instead of fringing (I was rebellious like that, and it was cheap since Konoha sourced it from the regular cullings in the Forest of Death). I left after setting a proper appointment one week from the day, for final designs and price negotiation.

I found Shisui leaning against the fence next to the cart, looking pensive. Something must have happened, but I didn’t pry. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“It’s fine, Mister Masanari.” Shisui set off with my cart as soon as I was close enough that I wouldn’t have to run to catch up. “Gave me time to think.”

“Dare I ask?”

“Oh, It’s nothing much, just…” Then Shirui made a face, then several others, and suddenly his entire mood and manner changed. “You know what, it’s not nothing.”

“… Alright?”

“With your permission, I’d have the rest of our walk to your home to happen under the Sound Muffling Technique.”

Well that doesn’t sound good. “I guess that’s a privacy thing of some sort. Wind-based?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, if it’ll make you feel better, okay.”

Shisui flashed through several hand signs, and suddenly I couldn’t hear anything beyond a meter away except jack shit. “Right.”

The mini-nin didn’t speak immediately though, just grabbed my cart and led the way to my house. It wasn’t until we were past the last bend that he finally finished psyching himself up for whatever it was that- “If you suddenly found yourself having mind control as your super special tool, what would you do?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me, sir. If it was you who drew this… lottery ticket, what would you do with it?”

Holy buggering fuck, am I the Morality Pet? “What are the parameters?”

Shisui looked surprised. “Parameters? Like how the technique works?”

No I’m not just stalling, believe it, oh gods now I’m doing it too! “What kind of ability is it? Is it temporary, permanent, is it defendable, is it breakable, does it have side effects on the target, does it have side effects on me, does it have a cooldown?”

Uchiha Shisui only almost stopped in his tracks this time. I had no idea if that was good or bad, but unless he was about to go absolutely insane and tell me about Kotoamatsukami, I should still be fi- “Right, those are pretty good questions, as expected from you, Doctor!”

What did he just call me?

“Well let’s make it nice and clear-cut then, I should have remembered you hate ambiguity, it’s everywhere in your work. Alright, let’s say it’s cast through the eye, that’s the standard Uchiha go-to. Let’s assume it lets you enter the mind of anybody you see. Let’s have it go really deep, say it lets you manipulate people by giving them false experiences, makes it seem as if they were doing things of their own free will. You could even use it to give them false memories, so the other guy would be entirely oblivious to the fact you’re manipulating them. Something like that. As for limitations…” Oh my god. “Progressive blindness, I’d say that sounds like a fair price. It’s also a pretty big deal, so you wouldn’t be able to throw it around like shuriken. You had the right idea with the cooldown, let’s give it… oh, ten years or so.”

I’m dead, I thought numbly. I’m fucking dead because Konoha fucks kids up to the point where they’re killing machines before they reach their teens so they don’t know injury from the biggest crime against humanity if you hit them on the head with it, why is this happening to me?

“I guess it is kind of a loaded question-“

“Holy shit, kid.”

Shisui closed his mouth at looked at me surprised. Then startled. Then with dawning comprehension that swiftly turned into grim realization. His face went through a rapid series of emotions and counter emotions and then came a moment, long and terrifying and almost mind-shattering, when I thought he was about to turn those back eyes red and rip my mind to shreds.

Instead, the kid sighed, closed his eyes and pinched his nose. “It seems the old fogies aren’t the only ones taking advantage of your goodwill. I apologise.”

“… You apologise.”

“Yes. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

What was I even supposed to say?

Belatedly, distantly, I realized we’d reached and stopped at my front gate.

When did this happen? Why? How? I thought in despair. I mean I guess it makes sense? Whoever named the Morality Pet trope was a complete jackass, but it kinda makes sense? My code of ethics is clearly superior to that of literally everyone else on this planet and the moon and several dimensions to the left of sideways, but that’s a way dramatic change in my status, isn’t it? “… A cat.”

“… What?”

“If it were me-if I suddenly gained the ability to completely and irreversibly rape someone’s soul in any way, I’d use it on the first stray animal I see.”

Uchiha Shisui was looking at me like… I had no idea what that look even was.

“If I was able to wait or didn’t find a feral animal to tame before I got past my knee-jerk reaction-” and if you hadn’t dropped this nuke on me expecting me to have a ready answer like some wise guy “-I’d inquire at the hospital about people with trauma-induced or jutsu-induced or whatever other kind of incurable psychosis and use it to heal that. Immediately.”

Shisui was still watching me strangely. Intensely. He was one word from me having a panic attack.

Would I know if I was under an illusion spell? Would I know if he’d mind-raped me? Would I be able to wonder about this and tell him to waste his mightiest technique if he did? “Kid, come over here. Please.”

Uchiha Shisui’s eyes sharpened and his hands tensed, but he let go of my cart and approached.

I put my hands on his shoulders. Mostly to keep myself upright. “Kid. I’m sorry you don’t have anyone in your actual life to confide in. I’m honoured you think I’m trustworthy enough to lay out this entirely hypothetical scenario even though I’d break under torture in less than a minute. Now would you like to come in?”

“… Well-“

My grips tightened. “You said you volunteered. Well I need you to volunteer right now unless you want me to collapse right here in the middle of the street.”

I was a civilian. Uchiha Shisui was an elite Jonin, an Anbu, a wielder of the second strongest dojutsu known to mankind. If he refused, that was the end of it. If he refused violently, that could well be the end of me.

But instead… “Asset denial, huh?”

I slowly let go and waited, hoped for my knees to stop shaking. They didn’t. Because holy shit, holy shit kid, this is the one thing that Shimura Danzo will stop at nothing to get even it means committing high treason, why are you doing this to me?!

Shisui looked at me, then his eyes flickered over the neighbourhood and back to me. There might have been a flash of red in them, but I couldn’t be sure because it was only there when they were aimed away from me. I don’t know what it meant. I don’t know how it made me feel. I don’t know what I looked like, but whatever it was, he didn’t like it. In fact, he didn’t like it so much that he stepped forward to walk me inside my own yard.

Somehow, I didn’t flinch in existential dread. “I have cake,” I blurted.

“That sounds great, sir.”

Shisui had small hands, but his grip was firm and his steps sure. Which was good because mine weren’t.

I just wanted to create life, I thought despairingly. Is that so much to ask?

Somehow, I made it to my living room without having a meltdown. Then I just sat there. On the couch. Stupidly. What was I supposed to do now?

With a face as blank as my mind, I slowly turned to look at the mini-ninja that was awkwardly standing in the hallway door and said the first thing that popped into my head. “You’re too young to be in Anbu, kid.”

“…You know, sir, I think I’m starting to think the same.”