[https://i.imgur.com/FKVQKCz.jpg]

“-. Uchiha Itachi, July 23, 6 ANB .-“

“Gatekeeper.”

The man turned in surprise. “Lord Itachi, how may I help you? I’m afraid the final guest has not yet arrived.”

“No, it’s fine. I will meet him myself. You are dismissed for the rest of the day. Please enjoy your time off.”

“Very well, thank you. A good evening to you as well, and best wishes to the Young Master.” The man bowed and left Itachi to take his place at the district gates.

Normally he would not be playing usher, but for once his father did not say that Itachi’s self-imposed task was undignified, never mind aspersive towards the Uchiha Clan itself. It was a minor concession in the grand scheme of things. But considering that Fugaku had chosen to make a political circus out of the day – despite it being the last birthday Sasuke would ever see before having the shinobi lifestyle thrust upon him – Itachi was going to take what he could get.

His ruminations were cut short by an approaching noise he’d never heard before. He had trouble classifying it. The best analogy was a chain of grinding gears experiencing a fire element explosion at point black range. Ten times per second. Loudly.

Itachi looked to the fork in the road just in time to see the source of the infernal noise turn the corner at a speed most ninja would be unable to match, belching smoke as it ground along the cobbles in a sharp turn.

A vehicle, Itachi quickly catalogued it with his Sharingan, tensing as the distance decreased alarmingly quickly. Two-wheeled and… self-propelled?

The demonic machine abruptly veered leftward so hard that the… thing skid nearly horizontally before it came to a halt upright just a meter short of where Itachi stood. Grinding twangs mixed with the flapping sounds of a coat as dust rose to mix with the last fumes wafting from the pipes before the… whatever it was finally stopped. Itachi was careful not to turn his nose up at the smell of burned petrol. Had that unseemly substance finally been turned towards something useful? Besides plastics and being the most ungainly supplement to fire techniques at least.

“Please excuse the noise,” said Masanari Hanzo as he got off the- “Motorcycles will always be a bit loud I’m afraid. While I have been working on more practical four-wheelers, I decided to err on the side of speed and manoeuvrability first, just in case Naruto runs late and I have to rush over to pick him up. He insisted on coming alone because he wants his gift to be a total secret, even from me.” Hanzo turned something on the handle, causing the vehicle to wind down to a comparatively low purr, and gazed off into the distance before he looked at Itachi again. “Oh well, even if he runs late it usually leads to something more annoying not happening later, so that works too. Hello, not-quite-as-little Uchiha, I see your growth spurt is coming in early. My condolences for this tragedy, the loss of your adorability will be sorely mourned by all, I’m sure.”

It’s a good thing I sent the gate warden off, Itachi thought wryly. Though I suppose it makes little difference since the guards and grooms are still around. “Mister Masanari. Welcome.”

“Thanks. Is there a place I can stash this beast?” He tapped the… purring contraption. The pats sounded like metal mixed with leather. “And maybe change clothes. I’ve brought something more traditional if what I’m in stands out too much.”

“There should be sufficient room in the stabling facility, you are not the only guest who eschewed coming on foot. Follow me, I will show you.” Though his ‘motorcycle’ would surely make an odd sight next to the rickshas, never mind the palanquins. “As for your attire…” Itachi inspected the man carefully as he led him inside. The style was nothing he’d ever seen before. Polished white shoes, tight-collared sun-yellow shirt under a buttoned up vest done in white, long trousers – also white – that were form-fitting but not too tight to move in at a moment’s notice. Had the colors been inverted it might have looked like something more fitting for a funeral, but rather than the storm he had become upon Konoha, the man looked more like a bright gleaming cloud. Even his belt buckle, buttons and cufflinks were tastefully done in gold that accented his ensemble without standing out more than they should, like scattered sunrays peeking through. And everything was harmonised by a belt around his waist and a thin piece of cloth knotted around the neck, both colored the same red as the square sticking purposely out of his chest pocket, a shade just slightly darker than his hair. “Were this a more private occasion, you might have stood out more, but today’s event has a rather extensive guest list from outside the clan, all of whom have chosen to come in their own traditional wear. You will still stand out, but I doubt you are willing to make the one concession to change that.”

“That being?”

“The beard.” And what a beard it was, Itachi could understand why dead dialects used a derivative of it as the word for ‘man.’ He could also understand Shisui’s feelings of inadequacy, not that he’d ever tattle. “As long as it’s there, it almost won’t matter what you are wearing. Your stature is also fairly imposing, but the beard is the main thing.”

“Yeah, that stays.”

“I thought as much.” That just left one thing. “Your coat is the only other issue I can see. I can understand its utility given your mode of transport, but it rather takes away from the rest.” Black didn’t clash with anything, technically, but it obscured the white more than contrasting it in this instance, reaching all the way down to his ankles. “Had it been done from something other than leather, perhaps…”

“Alright, I wasn’t gonna wear it inside anyway, but this should work better.” Hanzo shucked off his coat and tossed it negligently over his vehicle, then opened the smaller of the two boxes and pulled out something that looked very much like a cape. A white mantle outlined with tiger fur of a yellow shade perfectly matching the shirt and golden accents on the rest of his attire. It wasn’t a haori but it worked for him. It was fastened around the neck with ten yellow knitted laces clasped together in a buckle coloured the same gold as the rest. Like the coat it almost reached his heels, but it did not conceal the main attire and otherwise fit the man quite well.

Itachi gave Hanzo a once-over with his Sharingan – it wouldn’t do for the heir to be any less diligent than the rest of the clan in applying eidetic memory to non-stressful situations, now that they knew they should – and nodded in approval. Shisui had not been joking when he said the man’s chakra ‘looked like something straight out of the morgue’, but he would leave that to the rest of the honoured guests to socially blunder their way through. “Much better.” The material wasn’t quite as high-tier as the rest of the ensemble, but in terms of utility… “Gabardine fabric?”

“Lined with wool on the inverse side. I had an order for a coat made from the same, but it wasn’t ready in time, unfortunately, so I took the leather one in case of weather surprises.”

“If I may say so, I believe this would be the better choice even then. This piece is more on point with the venue. All you’re missing is a shakujo and you’d look like the Sage himself.” Imposing, bold and completely unashamed of making a statement wherever he went. Itachi wasn’t yet sure what the statement was this time, but it was in there.

“You actually picture Hagoromo Ootsutsuki walking around in a three-piece suit? Quite the bold tastes there, Sir Uchiha.”

What was so bold about it? “Itachi, if it pleases you.”

“It pleases me very much. And you may call me Hanzo, though it pains me to have yet another chink in my emotional armor against you adorable baby assassins.” The man had only grown more shameless, hadn’t he? Especially since he turned himself into that massive chakra beacon for an hour and a day, just shortly before the turn of the last year.

Everything that happened there was still classified beyond Itachi’s clearance. His Anbu clearance. The Hokage and Captain Kakashi were the only ones who knew, besides Shisui who was there and refused to share anything either. All anyone knew was that Masanari Hanzo was not to be aggrieved or offended. Hokage’s orders. Or else.

The ‘official’ leak was that it involved the nine-tails child and Hanzo was now considered his prime minder ‘for the good of the village.’ Itachi’s own investigations had long since revealed that Uzumaki Naruto was already home when the event occurred. So unless Shisui broke silence to say otherwise, then whatever occurred was centred around Hanzo himself. A civilian who’d never even touched his chakra before that day.

One wondered what else had changed in the past seven months and change.

“You know, speaking of adorable baby assassins, is Shisui lurking out of sight again?”

“Alas, no. Other obligations prevent his attendance today.” Itachi didn’t know where Shisui was beyond ’Anbu captain business’, which was no small matter since he was Anbu himself. “I am sure he would be here to greet you himself if he could.”

Hanzo’s side glance told Itachi… more than he could parse about how much the man had read from his reply. “Right. Then we best hurry back out. Unless I’m terribly mistaken, Naruto will be arriving any minute now.”

‘Any minute now’ proved entirely accurate, as the two were not returned to the gate for more than ten seconds when they heard the scream.

A distant scream that rapidly became less and less distant- “aaaAAAYAYAGH!”

CRASH

A giant frog crashed like a meteor in the middle of the street.

“Lord Heir!”

Itachi blinked and waited for the roused guard nin to use what wind release they had to disperse the wave of dust, before ordering them back to their posts.

“Ribbit.”

“Ooooh…”

Uzumaki Naruto weakly shambled off the back of the giant amphibian and almost faceplanted if not for Hanzo walking over just in time to steady him. The man was the tallest person Itachi had ever seen, yet the toad was nearly as tall.

“S-so dizzy…”

“What the hell, boy.”

“I’m not late!” The wobbly child shouted. “… I’m not late, right?”

“Barely.” Hanzo narrowly prevented the child from falling again, catching him by the scruff of… attire that was likely supposed to be a mirror of his own, except there was no coat or cape, the rumpled white shirt had short sleeves, the tie had been lost somewhere along the way, and the ensemble was almost entirely done in eye-searing orange. “But I bet your present wishes you took your time more, huh?”

“Whu – OH CRAP, no no no, I handled it, it’s fine, it’s gotta be fine, it’s totally going to be fine, believe it!” The child proceeded to almost rip open the satchel hanging from the toad’s neck in his haste to pull out some manner of box, haphazardly wrapped in three different types of wrapping paper. “I stuffed it full of braces and pellets and everything, listen!” Uzumaki shook the bow-tied box next to his ear. Violently. “See, you can’t hear anything, it’s fine!”

Hanzo pinched his nose with all the gravitas of a good and innocent man being driven to suicide. “You know what, I don’t want to know. I’ll just hang back and watch the unfolding disaster from a safe distance.”

“Hey! You don’t even know what I made!”

Made?

“Yes, that’s the problem.” Hanzo shook his head. “Whatever. Let’s just go in and get it over with.”

“Ignore Grumpuncle, Gama-chan, he’s just being silly, let’s go on ahead!”

“Ribbit.”

Uzumaki ran off ahead. ‘Gama-chan’ hopped on ahead. Past the stables. Without pausing.

Hanzo quietly spoke to Itachi as they unhurriedly trailed the strange duo. “Since the actual gift almost certainly suffered a fatality on the way over, you can say Gama’s visit is the ‘real’ gift and Naruto is doing a ‘one prank gift, one real gift’ thing.” The child and his… pet? Had stopped in the middle of the road, belatedly realizing they had no idea where to go. “Worst comes to worst, I have a backup gift squirreled away just in case.”

“It’s certainly unusual, but Inuzuka Tsume and her two children are here with five ninken between them. Shisui told me of your toads’ advanced intellect, so it should be fine. I expect Sasuke will be fascinated.” Itachi eyed the embarrassed child and his calmly croaking companion. Even knowing it was not the case, he could easily believe it was one of Lord Jiraiya’s summons. “Can it speak?”

“Sadly no. He learns commands easily, can repeat what you say like a parrot and can even understand certain concepts, he’s certainly sentient and much more intelligent than any other animal out there, but sapience just isn’t coming. It’s the one thing the Toads of Myobokuzan have going for them that mine can’t seem to manage.”

“Perhaps it’s still too young?”

“I doubt it, summon toads can talk and are otherwise equivalent to 5-year-olds when they’re still small as bull frogs.” Hanzo fondly pat Gama on the head. “No, something’s missing and it’s not the fleshy bits.”

“Ribbit.” The toad began to crawl alongside them. Very awkwardly, those rear legs were enormously long.

Itachi made sure not to display any of the strange feelings developing because of the unfolding events. “You’re talking about the soul.”

“Maybe,” Hanzo absently pat Uzumaki on the head and took the child’s hand as they caught up. “Though I doubt your notion of a soul is entirely the same as mine.”

It was good that curiosity was both accepted and encouraged within the Uchiha when it came to Masanari Hanzo, now that almost everyone in the clan had read his ‘Treatise.’ “I would be glad to learn more about your view.”

Hanzo proceeded to give what was clearly a much abridged lecture on ‘the Eight Parts of the Self’ which, contrary to Itachi’s initial assumption, had nothing to do with the Eight Celestial Gates. It was tempting to consider it simple philosophy, except the man talked as if it was practical, actionable data. “So its body’s is fine, its memory is good and growing, its mind is complex enough to process long-term commands, fortune it definitely has or it would be dead by now, it has inspiration to sing croaky songs every now and then, I’d even say it has spirit – dreams are literally the mind leaving the body to go off on adventures, kind of like when you throw it at somebody to cast genjutsu, or what the Yamanaka do to invade people’s heads, but that only works if spirit is there to sustain it and the connection to the memory and vice versa.”

“Much of what you ascribe to the mind is what most would call the soul, and aren’t spirit and soul synonymous?”

“No, not according to this paradigm anyway. Spirit is willpower and grit, the equivalent of a root system sustaining the non-physical parts of you, if you want to be all demystifying. It’s what you’d call yin energy, but it’s not you. To have a soul means having some manner of foundational self-concept to give the rest purpose, some basis for goal-setting and decision making. The soul is your identity.” Hanzo gestured back at the toad. “That’s what’s missing here. Turns out a soul’s emergence is a lot less arbitrary than people think.”

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

I don’t think most people think about it at all, Itachi thought privately, remembering when Fugaku took him out to see a mountain of corpses at the end of the third World War, when he was four. Or what might cause a soul to give way to abandon. “I think I understand, except… you are saying the memory and mind are separate things?”

“Yes, it’s why people generally don’t remember dreams, and why they don’t usually become vegetables if they get amnesia. The mind is its own stable system, the memory is just its most current frame of reference. The reverse holds true as well, it’s how the Sage’s ninshu is supposed to work, I’m pretty sure, connecting spirit roots so to speak. Blending each other’s yin to achieve all or nothing telepathy while still staying you. That’s how the tradition goes, anyway. My entirely incidental forays into neuroscience support it so far, you wouldn’t believe how much seemingly ex nihilo nonsense happens in the central nervous system.”

“I’m sorry, ex nihilo?”

“From nothing.”

Masanari Hanzo habitually slipped into long dead tongues as if he was raised with them. “What of the eighth part?”

Hanzo frowned, before realizing that he indeed had only mentioned seven. “Right. That would be the so-called ‘Familiar.’” Hanzo slapped Gama on the flank and nodded forward, prompting it to leap ahead. “Naruto, go make sure he doesn’t wander off while we talk about things hopeless loud-mouths are not allowed to know.”

The child gaped in outrage. “You’re the worst!” But shockingly, he obeyed at once. “Well whatever, I don’t care what you’re talking about anyway!” And he ran off.

Itachi blinked at the child. Sasuke would never comply without a fight.

Hanzo waited until the child was out of hearing range. “You can cast the privacy techniques, right?”

Sound Muffling Technique, Loose Lips Technique, perimeter scanned, radio Rat to check if any Hyuuga guests were using the Byakugan, none reported. “We’re secure.”

“Depending on who you ask, the eighth part can be just your sense of direction, a totem, the so-called ‘shadow’ your existence casts upon reality, or a companion spirit represented by an animal that shows up and eats your afterbirth.”

Itachi meaningfully glanced at Uzumaki and back.

Hanzo nodded. “Yeah, generally it’s not supposed to apply quite so literally. Though I suppose your clan might beg to differ on that.”

“… I’m afraid I don’t quite follow.”

“It’s this whole thing about your Sharingan leaping ahead in power when someone you love dies, but only getting the Super Sharingan when you’re there for the death of someone who loves you.” Fugaku would have a fit if he ever learned just how much Shisui shared with this man. “And then there’s Uchiha Madara, who apparently took his brother’s already Super Sharingan – because sentimentality – and got the motherlode of all powerups ever.”

This talk is becoming dangerous. “I still don’t follow.”

“It’s just-the idea is that some of the parts can be detached. The body becomes a corpse when you die, the soul goes to the pure world, the mind can go off wandering outside your body, you can pass your Fortune – your karma – to someone else, the familiar is technically free-ranging all the time… you know how Shisui’s crow isn’t a summon?”

It’s not? “I couldn’t speak to the significance of that.”

Hanzo’s brows furrowed. “Okay, let’s try a different track. Have you ever heard about Tengu?”

“I’m afraid not.”

Hanzo checked to see that Uzumaki was still far enough ahead and spoke lowly. “The myth goes that tengu are mischievous supernatural beings said to have been renowned swordsmen that trained everyone else in sword play back in the day.” Hanzo eyes Itachi meaningfully. “They’re said to be the reincarnated souls of those who were proud and arrogant in life, and are described as tall armored men with wings and a long stretched nose.”

This man is talking about Susanoo. “What are you saying?”

“The Yin, Itachi. I’m saying that the Spirit, too, can be bestowed to someone else. On death.”

… The techniques of the Mangekyou Sharingan exhausted Yin energies and caused progressive blindness lacking a physical treatment or explanation. The Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan was recorded to have emerged if a loved one donated their own Mangekyou Sharingan on death. But it did not emerge if two sets of Kaleidoscope Eyes were merely swapped between two living holders. The Perfect Susanoo had only been achieved by Madara’s Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, and never since. The theory of Yin bestowal… it explained all of that.

Itachi somehow managed to contain his shock at this cascade of realizations and their implications, keeping his outward reaction to a mere incline of his head. “I won’t pretend to entirely understand from just this little information, but I would like to follow up on this at a later date.”

“I’ll have Shisui deliver a primer if we can’t meet in person.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. Oy, Naruto!”

“What?!”

“You’re going the wrong way!”

“NANI!?”

“Don’t you meme at me, you ambulatory anachronism!”

“What the heck does that mean?”

“Don’t throw weird words around unless you want to feel stupid right back, now get back here.”

“Fine, fine!”

This is the man who deduced the entirety of our eyes’ mechanics from folk tales. Itachi thought in disbelief. And if what he says is true, he has a superior understanding of the Mangekyou Sharingan than the greatest secrets scribed on the Stone Tablet.

This was… it was too much.

Fortunately, reaching their destination provided abundant diversion.

Given the sheer scope of the event, the celebration was taking place outdoors, on the grounds of the lake that the Uchiha Compound was built around. Since all the many other guests and their retinues were already present, their arrival was subject to close scrutiny by everyone there.

“Announcing Konoha’s Preeminent Loremaster, Doctor Masanari Hanzo. His apprentice, Uzumaki Naruto. And Lord Itachi, Heir to the Clan.”

“Laying it a bit thick there,” Hanzo muttered.

Over three hundred pairs of eyes turned towards them in unison. That number did not include the children, save for Sasuke himself who was waiting in the middle next to Fugaku and mother.

“I’m your apprentice?” Uzumaki boggled. “I mean, yeah, I’m totally his apprentice, believe it!”

Now the number grew to include the children.

The Uzumaki child tucked himself into Hanzo’s side, clutching his hand tight. Hanzo, though, just snorted at the sight and led them through the emerging divide in the crowd. “Let me guess, all the clan delegations decided to come early because of security concerns that were in desperate need of solving before the party proper.”

“Indeed.”

“The fact they all get to gawk at the poor civilian is just a coincidence, I’m sure.”

Itachi’s lips curled in a smile despite himself. “That is the polite fiction. Lord Fugaku bid me apologise on behalf of our ignorant guests for believing you are the sort to entertain such unseemly artifice. He promises to make it up to you for the inconvenience.”

“Why thank you, Itachi. Please don’t tell him that I expected better from him and that this is the first and last time I will ever tolerate being put on display. I’ll do that myself later when there’s no more risk of ruining Sasuke’s day.”

“Good grief.”

“Ribbit.”

“You tell’em, Uncle,” Uzumaki ‘whispered.’

“That’s right, I’ll tell them, you behave yourself and don’t say anything about this. Try to make proper friends with Sasuke and the other kids while you’re at it, his mother and yours were best friends.”

“Wait, what?”

“Do your best, Naruto. I’m rooting for you.”

“I-I will, I promise.”

Your doom approaches, mother, Itachi thought wryly. Oh well. If nothing else, the gigantic frog will be able to serve as distraction in a pinch.

“Mister Masanari,” greeted Fugaku. “Welcome. Please be known to my wife, Uchiha Mikoto, and my son, Uchiha Sasuke, whose sixth birthday we are celebrating today.”

“Thank you for the warm welcome, please accept these tokens of our goodwill.”

Hanzo was all smiles during the greeting. Uzumaki tried to imitate him, but he only looked sick, alas. He did manage not to trip while handing his present over though. It was a makeshift facsimile of a four-wheeled contraption made wholly from scrap. It looked to be the most embarrassing gift of the day, up until Naruto urged Sasuke to take the ‘remote control’ in the box and showed him how to work the dials. The little ‘car’ lurched in place and shot forward under its own power, guided every which way according to Sasuke’s will. Itachi could have sworn he saw stars in his little brother’s eyes. He couldn’t even blame him, it was an ingenious device that made Itachi wonder about Hanzo’s motorcycle and his comment about four-wheelers.

Uzmaki’s gift would easily have claimed top spot in Sasuke’s list of preferences if not for Hanzo’s own gift, which revealed itself to be a much more aesthetically pleasing contraption that could do everything Naruto’s could, except in the air. Fugaku was not the only person whose eyes took a calculating expression at that. More so when Hanzo revealed the thing even had the capacity for limited autonomy in the air.

“Entirely rugged of course,” Hanzo said at the end of his presentation. “Wouldn’t do for it to break at the slightest bump, or something silly like that.” The man passed his own remote to a starry-eyed Sasuke who was well on the way to losing track of reality as he planned his next session of target practice. “It also uses capacitors to store power, rather than batteries, so it could even serve to train lightning affinity if it comes down to it.”

“Well now I just look dumb,” Uzumaki grumbled. “Should’ve known you’d make something better.”

“Nu-uh, they’re both great!” Sasuke vowed like the good boy he was, snapping out of his daydream. “W-wanna show me how to play with them?”

Uzumaki looked poleaxed. “Uhm… S-sure!”

Sasuke turned to look at Fugaku pleadingly. Itachi made sure to catch the man’s eye as well. The meet and greet was over now after all.

Fugaku inclined his head. “Go ahead, Sasuke. Entertain your guests.”

“Yes! Come on!” Sasuke grabbed Uzumaki by his wrist and proceeded to drag him away. “You’re gonna show me everything and then we’ll play target practice, I can’t wait!”

“A-alright? I mean, yeah it’s gonna be awesome, believe it!”

As he watched his little brother drag Uzumaki Naruto over to the game area where the rest of the children had spent their time feeling awkward around each other, Uchiha Itachi allowed himself to pretend that this was just his foolish little brother’s birthday party. That it wasn’t just Uchiha Fugaku’s way of gathering all the clans, bloodlines and even Konoha’s jinchuriki together in one place to make a political statement to beat all political statements.

Then Uchiha Sasuke, poor, browbeaten, foolish little brother Uchiha Sasuke who’d spent the past two hours standing still and saying only what he was told to say instead of enjoying what would likely be the very last peaceful birthday of his life, finally uttered his first unscripted words of the day. “What’s with the frog?”

“Frog?” Naruto balked, then snorted. “That’s not a frog, you dummy, it’s a toad!”

“Who’re you calling a dummy, stupid?!”

“Your hair’s stupid, stupid!”

“Whu-what’s wrong with my hair?!”

“What’s wrong is it’s wrong, you dumbass, it looks like a duck’s butt!”

“Th-that’s not true!”

“Yeah it is!”

“How dare you?! Take that back!”

“No, you take that back!”

“No, you!”

“No, you!”

“No, you!”

“No, you!”

“No, you!”

“A-ano-“

“Hey, you stay out of this!”

“Hey, leave my guests alone!”

“Oh crap! I’m sorry, pretty lady, I didn’t mean it, what’s your name?”

“M-my name is H-Hin… You think I’m pretty?”

“Hin? That sounds like a boy’s name though, you’re a weird girl!”

“Hey, don’t be mean to Hinata.” “Arf!”

“Oh, so your name’s Hinata! That’s a much prettier name!”

“Hey, don’t ignore me!” “Arf!”

“Th-thank you, u-um-“

“My name’s Uzumaki Naruto, I’m the man who’ll be Hokage one day!”

“Pffft, as if!” “Arf!”

“Oh my god, you brought a pet!” Uzumaki said in shock to Inuzuka Kiba’s puppy. “He’s so ugly, though, and his breath stinks, is he even housebroken?”

“You bastard!” “Arf!”

“Gah!” Naruto dodged out of the way of the leaping Inuzuka boy. “He’s rabid! Rabies! Rabies alarm, quick, hide your dogs, hide your women!”

“I’ll kill you!” “Arf!”

“Madness!” Yamanaka Ino gasped, taking advantage of the chaos to latch onto Sasuke like she’d clearly been daydreaming about all afternoon. “Protect me, brave hero!”

“Wha-get off me!”

“Sanctuary!” Uzumaki jumped behind the Sasuke-Ino fusion to hide. “Protect me, Sasuke, that’s an order from your Hokage!”

“Get away from me!”

“RAGH!” “Woof!”

“Yikes!” Naruto yelped as Sasuke fell on top of the girl, Kiba’s path now free.

Except Naruto dodged just in time now too, leaving Akimichi Chouji to become the unfortunate second half of the ensuing tangle of limbs.

“Agh!” “Arf!” “Unh!” “Arf!” “Ouch!” “Ribbit.”

“S-such savagery,” Ino whimpered as Sasuke jumped off her with his cheeks aflame.

“Bahahaha, look at your face!”

“That’s it!” Sasuke screamed, getting into Uzumaki’s face with a snarl. “This means war!”

“Bring it! Dibs on Hinata and Fatass!”

There was the sound of a tea kettle popping, and then Aburame Shino and Nara Shikamaru had to jump out of the path of Kiba’s airborne frame. “WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?”

Uchiha Itachi watched in wonder as Konoha’s next generation descended into open warfare within five minutes of Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto laying eyes on each other.

“Ah, the clash of the elite with the plebe.” Hanzo said glibly around his sake saucer, completely unaffected by the incredulous looks of all Konoha’s... well, elite. “There’s a story in there. I think I’ll call it the Prince and the Pauper. You see what happens when people make plans without consulting everyone involved?” The more he heard this man speak ‘common sense’, the less common it seemed. “Say, Itachi, how about you show me around?”

“Of course, sir. Follow me.”

“TO ARMS!”

“TO ARMS!”

It looked like this would be the best birthday party of Sasuke's life after all.