The windchill reached below zero as me and totem went over 200 miles to reach my home town. It seemed the people who’d killed my parents, most likely forced themselves up upon my sister, and caused me to meet the bandits had begun remodeling the city.
My family had been known as the Xi family, a powerful family that had given me my name, Gregory, when they saw my handsome face at birth. The wet nurses had been so surprised by my looks that they accepted no pay to take care of me, and the doctors in the town regularly looked up to me.
However, as I earlier explained, the first dojo I’d visited had been teaching the Master of the Stars Technique to anyone who could pick up a thousand-pound sword. No, it didn’t actually way a thousand pounds, but required a cultivators body to wield it.
In fact, the name thousand pounds came from the idea that one in a thousand people could pick up the sword, and you’d need to crawl over a thousand bodies to pick it up! When I finally got my chance to pick up the sword, the dojo members seemed thrilled to give me free lessons, and payed my family handsomely to let me take lessons!
It seemed I became the talk of the town as the one in a thousand genius! However, what is a genius without having to face a thousand vicious and jealous martial artists, who want to rip of your head? Hence, I tried to remain lowkey, learning since pre-K people didn’t like it when you were too excellent. In fact, I tried to hold back when I first used Master of the Stars, and generated a golden halo around my body!
I thought they’d say good job, but the dojo leader cursed me as a reincarnated bloke, which I already mentioned, and I obviously wanted some revenge on my little self. Now, as an eighteen-year-old, I had the privilege of returning to that dojo with the Seven Paths of Heaven’s Body and a little totem whose mouth I had to tape in order to ensure its safety.
They look flabbergasted seeing a poor person in their dojo establishment, I hadn’t yet found a new pair of clothes, and proceeded to hit me with a cane causing my body to turn to copper.
The first level of the Seven Paths of Heaven’s Body, the copper body, caused my handsome form to look even more heavenly, and I could tell people didn’t take well to it. Of course, what could I do but return fire, and hit the two old men caning me across the face.
The Seven Paths of Heaven’s Body also bolstered my muscles in conflict, and they bashed so hard into the wall I was pretty sure they weren’t breathing. I took a few deep breaths and prayed for them, remembering some prayers I’d learned from the dead monks by the volcano, and stumbled up to the third floor where all the masters drank tea and played board games will discussing the universe.
I saw one man, the one who told me to call him master, and his cultivation sword. They had always called the Master of the Stars Technique one of the best in the West Cities. You know, the ones west of the east cities, and I figured it was just the sword, so I never used it in my countless fights.
Perhaps even though I was smart, you could call me naïve and unlearned. Again, without going into details, I got kicked out of secondary school for making the teachers’ desire me in front of their husbands. After the principle heard my name in his bedroom, I had no choice but to hire a scholar to teach me, but he hated me enough to just teach me the basics of reading and writing.
In my world, I could perhaps be considered the smartest idiot, and didn’t dare deny hide that title in this god fittingly awful situation. I got that sword and held it in my hands, waving it back as eight old men laughed at me.
“You really think the sword makes the man?” One old gentlemen said, “The sword doesn’t make the man. A weapon is only as valuable as their user’s best skill!”
“You’re never going to fool me.” I just had that type of see through disposition, understanding the truth from lies instantly. “I’m going to show you why the weapon matters more than any skill!”
They laughed and I waited. Awkward pauses were the worst, but we made fit by attacking each other willing ravishing killing intent. I, of course, chose this time to use Master of the stars, and a strange feeling spread out of my arms.
“Heh, kid! You reached the 2nd Heavenly Stage!”
“What? Why is your mouth piece off!” I cursed at my pet totem. What if something bad happened to him?!
“I don’t talk! I just kept quiet to make you feel special.”
“I’m fighting!” I dodged to the side. “Now, who should I hit first?”
“Why are you asking me?! Just hit all of them, I guess.”
His point made a lot of sense, so I used Master of the Stars towards the closest opponent. Seeing Starlight shoot off the hilt of my sword, an aurora of bright colors, that man fighting me soon popped off into the distance, and accidentally died when he landed.
The six remaining old men in the room, one had unfortunately been taken along for the ride, gasped before pointing at me. I could tell they weren’t properly educated on manners.
Yes, I’d learned all about manners from the scholar who only taught me basic skills. He seemed preoccupied with etiquette, telling me how to talk to ladies, and how not to get in trouble. It’s a shame everything he said the bandits proved wrong, and my heart always drifted to my three uncle, aunty bandits.
Regardless, I couldn’t let the destroyers of my family just run off, could I? No, I used the bamboo sword in my hand and struck out with a vigorous attack! It was a special bamboo sword, so it did enough damage to make blood drip out of the old man who’d been the master of the dojo.
I say master because I was the master now. “Who’s your daddy b*tch!” Me, Gregory, stomped on his head and made sure he didn’t live. I heard cultivators could survive vigorous conditions, so I threw him to the bottom of the lake out of the wall.
I’m guessing the Seven Paths of the Heavenly Body made me strong because when I was four I only had above average strength, and the old man flew nearly 5000 meters, landing perfectly in the lake with the rabid demon beasts that would eat him dead or alive.
I prayed he was actually dead, but how could I know? At this point, The three old men had already escaped, and I could only return to my old manor which had been turned into a cemetery.
That night, which I called the day of revenge, became the first night I slept six feet under. No, seriously, the only place with padding happened to be a casket, so I graciously took it from a person who didn’t need it, and began snoring in it.
Mind you, I respected the dead, but such a timid man didn’t need his gifts, or the jewels in his hands. Uncle Benny, my favorite thief uncle, would definitely approve of me.
The next morning, the sun rose, and I woke up surrounded by countless spears and swords. My sister even happened to be standing in the center of the swords and spears, crying as she blamed me for being born to everyone around her.
Excuse me, but didn’t mom and dad decide that when they joined bodies? I may not be a genius, but I knew mother and father butted heads at some point to make me! Isn’t that how you make children? No one ever told me!
Regardless, I didn’t want to be bothered, and closed my eyes and pretended I was like Old Ted, the man’s grave I’d taken, and tried to remain perfectly still. My sister finally stopped crying and gave that awkward cough that said we’re waiting.
“Can’t you see I’m dead? Did you lose your eyes in the afterlife?”
“Brother? You really think you can survive by playing dead. What happened to you when you were ten? You disappeared, and left us all to die.”
“I was stolen by the birds.” That wasn’t far from the truth. “The birds of west bandit took me.”
“He was taken by bandits. You already know this April. Why don’t we kill him so you can forget all about it?”
“Didn’t you guys hear the news though. An extremely handsome man wiped out the Star Dojo! Couldn’t it be him?!”
“He’s been raised by animals, no way.” April pointed towards her Gregory, me, and I felt somewhat terrified that I didn’t get my eight hours of sleep! How dare thee take my eight hours of sleep!
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
“Roar!” I yawned and got out of the casket. Jumping nearly ten feet into the air, I once again impressed myself, and landed in front of the audience. “I am going to make you regret not accepting I was dead. Dead men are not easy opponents!”
“He’s insane.”
“He’s inane.”
“He’s dumber than I remember.” April conceded. “He used to be smart. He must have gone crazy because no one likes him!”
“I like you,” My totem interjected. “You’re blessed kid. Maybe not on the planetary level, but in the long run you’re blessed!”
I weighted what he meant but didn’t come to any conclusions. However, in a minute or two, I completely concurred with my Totem, nicknamed Tee Tee for short, at least syllabically shorter, and then began looking for the first unlucky person to be sent into a mountain.
Gregory had a hard time deciding, yes, I sometimes describe myself in the third person, so I grabbed a spear coming towards me chest, and took a swing at the left flank.
There were also soldiers all around me, cornering me to death, but my strength exceeded my expectations. It turned out, against mortals, even the slight swing of my arm would create a gust large enough to send them off their feet. Nearly 100 soldiers were taken off the ground and sent at least 200 meters into the sky before I gulped.
“What goes in must come out.” My mother used to say when I used the bathroom, or was that the wrong quote, and all of their souls left their bodies as they fed the animals starving in the wilderness with their dead carcasses.
My sister, April, seemed shocked by my attack, and burst out crying and crawled to my knees. Her husband, seeming even more worried than she, banged his head so hard against the floor that I felt bad for him.
“You all are horrible people. Go live for two years on that mountain, in separate quarters, and repent for your sins!” I didn’t want my reputation to be that bad, so I let them go with a warning.
April, however, convinced me she’d been forced to be with her captor Kong Hon, and I forgave her by making her cook me dinner. She gladly put a gigantic meal on the table, but it tasted a little bitter, so I spit it out as she began crying again.
“So, I let you go, and you poison me!” This was getting old.
“Yes, but only because I wanted to prove to you I loved you!” April had clearly lost herself to a cultivation devil, and I had to write this wrong!
“It’s not a cultivation devil, idiot.” Totem could respond to my thoughts. “She’s trying to get rid of you, so her husband doesn’t have to rot. Haven’t you heard of Stockholm syndrome?”
“Why, what is that? Some kind of disorder?!”
“Yes, however, you can’t forgive her! You absolutely can’t forgive her!”
“Go to your room!” I swore towards April on Tee Tee’s behalf. She immediately bowed and hugged me saying thank you over and over again. Such a punishment truly suited her crime.
Of course, the next morning, I had her cook me breakfast without poison as I began mulling over the Second Level of the Seven Paths of the Heavenly Body. I could only make it five to ten words this time before Totem suggested I go to a Sect.
I’d heard about Sects from the Bandits. They always wanted to rob Grey Village Sect because only ten cultivators remained there, and they were the last on the Heavenly Sect Rankings. It all came down to prestige, and being ranked the last made no one want to join their sect, so of course I had to go provide moral support!
I figured I’d train them with the disasters I brought, and whatever bloodshed I made, I’d return with glory. So, after leaving April alone to watch over her husband and the captives on Mount Star, I went on a journey. A very long journey!
Boy, did I have fun!
I met a merchant, and we told stories about crazy times in our lives! He even had heard of the crazy, meat eating fairy before and I welcomed his tales about trying to grow his harem of beauties!
However, there was so little time to truly learn about each other. Instead, I spent most of my time reading about the world, learning everything there is to learn, and staying clear of History, Politics, and anything related to Human Relations!
My Scholar had made it very clear these topics are not for cultivators! Did he secretly try to destroy me because of my good looks?! Maybe, but I had so much dirt on my face no one could see the perfect black hair, multi colored eyes, and one freckle on the right side of my body! Asymmetry, it turned out, was perfect for long lasting beauty, and I stumbled away from the Merchant, Chang, as he went along robbing more and more unsuspecting guests.
Such a nice man, Chang, he reminded me of my bandit uncles more than anyone I’d ever met before.
Regardless, the Snow Bloom Sect was truly as horrible as I suspected, and the gates were falling off. I felt at home, and walked inside as the door fell off! For once, that wasn’t because of my bad luck but because of bad maintenance! Even the dead animals that weren’t cleaned weren’t because of me. No, not the dead rabbits, or foxes, or toads! This was the type of place I belonged, and boy did I forget to pack any money.
…
When I started working in the Snow Bloom Sect, I merely washed dishes as I got to meet my fellow unlucky friends. Unlike me, they were all somewhat normal looking, but had a profound work ethic that inspired me to do great things with my life!
Even if it meant taking on the universe, I’d do it because Mark, the one-foot cultivator had taught me to hop along! I’d also do it because Jasmine, the beautiful Jay, had cut off her hair to pursue the dao. Boy did she look like a man when she wore a long sleeve kimono!
As for the other eight members of the Snow Bloom Sect, they greeted me with various niceties no one had ever graced me with. I guess when you’re at the bottom, even the people at the top deserve your kindness. I’d found my base, my people! I would make this place great again!
“Gregory. You’re totally leaving stains all over these dishes.”
“Sorry, I was focused on making them perfect for you Jay. Your head looks pretty today.”
“Thank you. However, I know you’re lying. I’ve heard you call me ordinary in my sleep.”
“I don’t sleep talk.” I really didn’t. “Now, what’s going on with the boss? Did he finally get us a mission from the Overlords Emissary?!”
“You mean our boss actually doing his job? No, he’s extorting us so he can sleep all day. This place shouldn’t even exist, but we’re on welfare!”
“Good to know. He does seem like a good guy.” I harkened to her talk for a few more hours. Flowers bloomed on the fields behind her as she kept yacking. Boy, could Jay talk! She made old Uncle, Aunty Benny look like a quiet guy, and he always had a few words to say to everyone!
Jay digressed to topics about shoes, cooking, and filled in some gaps in my knowledge. Perhaps for me this should’ve been called morality school, and I learned and learned and learned.
She taught me how to farm the fields with my hands, and for the first time in my life I didn’t kill what I touched. Not that I’d ever actually killed something by touching it, but no one tried to kill it because I stepped on it.
Something felt like the world truly wanted me to enjoy myself. However, when the next day came, once again, Jay had something new to tell me about, and a new place to take me.
We went to the remains of Lord Mountain, boy did I lie to her! She wanted to see if we could find the goddess of hope, and I did my best to tell her hope didn’t exist, but she didn’t believe me.
So, we spent the next two days venturing into the forest, and finally we saw a small glowing light. At this point, Tee Tee kept saying run, but I didn’t bother to listen to him. It was me and my old friend, the savage fairy.
“Can… Can you help us?” Jay couldn’t see the fairies face, and only saw the savage shadow.
Boy, what a shadow!
It looked like a giant mouth was munching on a rabbit! I covered her eyes before she swatted me away. It’s not like I didn’t try!
“Excuse me?! Are you the great fairy of Lord Mountain?!”
“Who’s asking?! I’m trying to eat here?! Why are you bothering me!!!!”
“Wait, you! I remember you!” The fairy fluttered over to Jay, blood dripping down her face. “You’re that guy who made me miss dinner time! What do you two fools want!”
“You know her!” Totem became shocked! “The destroyer of forests! The Green Queen of Death.”
“We had a tussle or two.” I remarked, patting Jay on her bald head. “Now, why would I run from this heathen! It’s time I teach her a lesson.”
“She has the power to summon pure energy and use it to attack! She’s a pure form fairy! One of the most evil creatures to ever exist!”
“She doesn’t seem that bad.” I knew how to judge character. Finally, I spoke to Jay as she and the fairy stared into each other’s eyes.
“Jay, you in there jay?” She didn’t respond. “Little bird. Tell me what happened to jay.”
“I’m reading her mind. Trying to figure out if I should kill her or not.”
“Oh, keep going. She’s my favorite person on earth.”
“Really? What do you like about her?” Little bird responded, holding her arms akimbo. “What? You don’t like me, and you like this man!”
“She’s a cute women. She’s just practicing how to be a man.” I told her straight.
“Really?”
“Yup?” ‘Of course!’
“Can I kill her?”
“Nope?” I hoped not.
“Can I kill you.”
“I’ll bite.”
“Let’s talk over there. Why do we keep running into each other?”
I walked with the fairy, picking up Jay in her blue robes, and dropped her by the bushes by the tree. She seemed completely comatose, and had no saliva left in her mouth. However, she was breathing! Compared to my previous feral animal parents, she really was keeping herself together!
The fairy guided me down underneath the dirt, into a dark place, and walked me closer and closer to a red skull. I delighted seeing the image of the red skull, and placed Jay where she’d be safe. Right next to the skull!
“So, what’s up? She wanted something?!”
“Her sect is cursed, and she swore she won’t grow her hair until the curse is removed.”
“Hmmm, so you want me to destroy it?”
“Will that get rid of the curse?”
“It would, but wouldn’t that destroy the purpose?!” She felt weird, I could tell, being the voice of reason.
“Well, how about we destroy who casted the curse? Can you turn into a human?”
“I can be prettier than any girl if I want!”
“What’s your name!”
“Beauty!”
“That’s not your name!” At least I could tell she was lying. I had some redeeming qualities as a human line detector. “Tell me your real name.”
“You promise not to tell?!”
“I don’t have friends,” I never lied, and told the truth.
“I chose it. I made myself just so you know!”
“Hurry up!” I got impatient, slamming my hand on the table.
“Heaven. My name is Heaven.”
“Hahahahaha! You suck at naming yourself! From now on your name shall be Apple! It’s a much better name than heaven!”
“Really? I accept it!” Apple took her new name, and engraved it in her mind. “Now, what do we do? Jade has been asleep for a while?!”
“I have a habit of killing people, plants, animals, foxes, bunnies, and even eating crickets. She’s becoming the red skull. Do you want to stop it?”
“It sounds so cool, but I like having her as my female man! Let’s take her and go save the sect!”
I picked up poor Jay as her face stopped turning red and turned back its normal soft hue of pale jade. We then ventured over Lord Mountain and back to Snow Plume Sect. When we arrived, some hard looking people were attacking Gora, the leader of our sect, and the only one brave enough to run from them!