“So… let me get this straight.” Liam wasn’t taking notes, so he decided to attempt a read-back of everything he’d been told by Alaric. “An alliance of several kingdoms used a once-per-millennium ritual to summon a hero from another world. The magic caused an invisible door to open below me, but I failed to fall through, probably because I was sitting on a toilet seat?”

“That seems to be the case,” the knight agreed.

“After you all discovered the invisible door, your kingdom hired you, as famous explorers, to pass through it and search for the hero?”

“That’s why we’re here.”

“And what’s this about some magus getting hurt?”

Alaric looked to Lyria for help answering that one.

“It seems she took a blow to the head while investigating around the invisible door.”

“A blow to the head? What does that have to do with—“ Then suddenly Liam remembered that time he slipped with the toilet seat up. He’d been so out of it he hardly noticed, but he’d felt his butt strike something other than water. In hindsight, it would make sense if the thing he impacted was a girl’s head. “Oh! Is she all right!?”

“Yes, before we came through the door she was recovering well, we heard.”

“That’s good.” Liam could hardly keep up with everything that was happening, but he’d feel bad knowing he seriously injured someone. “I should apologize to her somehow…”

“Think nothing of it,” said Alaric. “It was an accident, was it not? Still, if you wish to apologize to her, you need only join us for a trip through the door. In fact, we are here to extend you a grand invitation.”

“To your world?”

“Yes! After all, our divine ritual selected you as the hero!”

Sylara, the rogue who had been less than friendly to Liam, choked down a laugh.

The dwarf groaned. “Lass, just go ahead and speak yer mind.”

So she did. “Thane, does he seem like a hero to you?”

“That’s not for us to decide,” he replied.

“No, she’s right.” Liam lowered his gaze to the floor. “I’m not sure what went wrong, but I’m obviously not a good candidate for hero. I don’t have any of the right characteristics, and all I’ve done since you used your ritual is sit on an innocent girl’s head and take a dump in your summoning chamber.”

“Twice,” Sylara made sure to clarify.

Alaric didn’t accept that answer. “I’m sure things will make more sense after you travel through the door. Perhaps you’ll gain fantastic abilities that put even Sylara and the rest of us to shame!”

“Doubt it,” the rogue objected.

“About that…” Liam decided to address the elephant in the room. “The door seems to have stayed open because I didn’t pass through it, but what happens to the door after I travel to your world?”

“Well…”

“Don’t get me wrong, the idea of seeing another world is like, super exciting, but I wouldn’t want to get trapped there.”

The four visitors remained quiet. Eventually, Sylara broke the silence.

“This is a pain. I’ll just carry him through.”

“You can’t!” Lyria objected.

“It’d be meaningless if he was our hostage rather than our guest,” Thane added.

“Indeed. We are here to find out what happened, and to invite the hero, not force him to join us.”

Sylara shook her head at Alaric. “Don’t be foolish. The summoning ritual forcibly summons the hero to our world. How is this any different?”

“I have to ask…” Liam hesitated, unsure how Sylara would react. “If you think I’m an unsuitable weakling, which I probably am, why do you even want to bring me back with you?”

She clicked her tongue. “I don’t want to bring you back. This is just a mission.”

“I thought your mission was to find out what happened, and then to invite me. Not to necessarily bring me…”

“Y–You’re annoying…” Sylara averted her gaze.

“It is as you say!” Alaric confirmed. “We were not instructed to force you to join us or anything like that. Sylara is just getting a bit ahead of herself.” He eyed Thane and Lyria. “And not another word on that.”

“Aye.”

“Of course.”

“Anyway,” Alaric continued, “If you don’t want to cross through the door with us, you don’t need to. Either way, we have to report back. I’d love to speak more and learn about you and this place, but they’re waiting for us to return after all.”

Liam didn’t see why one of them couldn’t just dip their head into the door, shout a two-sentence update to people in the summoning chamber, and then return to talk more, but he didn’t want to suggest that. Honestly, he just wanted them to leave him alone for now.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

The four explorers walked toward the bathroom.

“W–Wait!” Liam suddenly shouted at them.

They each turned back. “What is it?” asked Alaric.

“COVID!”

“Covid? What’s that?”

“I need to test myself for COVID before you return through the door.”

“I don’t know what you mean, but how long will it take?”

“Hang on.” Liam pushed through the group and entered the bathroom himself. He opened a cabinet and rifled through several boxes. “Crap, these are all expired. Wait! The expiration was extended on these two.” He placed two small boxes on the counter.

“What are those?” asked Lyria, who seemed the most interested.

Liam handed one box to Lyria for her to inspect. “Uh, they allow me to ensure I don’t have a certain sickness that could possibly be passed on to other people.”

“Do you feel ill?” the elven mage asked politely.

“No, at least nothing that can’t be explained by a party of fantasy explorers climbing out of my toilet. Ah. The test will take about half an hour.”

“Half an hour!” Thane yelled. “That’s enough time for a drink or two, aint it?”

“Thane…” Alaric shook his head but he couldn’t hide his grin.

“Fine, come with me.” Liam led the party into the kitchen and had everyone sit down at the table, COVID test in hand.

The others looked around in wonder at the various things in the house. As curious as they seemed, they made it a point not to ask Liam about every little thing.

“First of all, I’m not drinking.” Liam thought back to his recent struggles with alcohol. “Also, I don’t have any mead or whatever you’re probably used to drinking.”

“Tha’s all right,” said Thane. “I’ll drink anything with a kick. Heck, just give me the strongest thing you’ve got.”

“Uh, I don’t have anything highly concentrated so the best I can do is mix. I guess I could make a Long Island Iced Tea?”

“Tea!?” Thane bellowed. “Are we talkin’ about the same thing!?”

“Just give me a minute. Does anyone else want some?”

“None for us,” Alaric answered. “We appreciate your hospitality, but don’t need any drinks from your home while we’re exploring.”

“I’ll have elvish wine.”

Thane laughed mockingly at Sylara’s demand.

“Uh, I don’t have elvish wine,” Liam was forced to admit. “We don’t even have elves in this world. I can at least give you cold water…”

Alaric decided to accept. “If it’s no trouble, then sure.”

Liam got to work making Thane’s drink. “So, vodka, rum, gin, tequila, triple sec, uh…” He opened up his little drink recipe book. “Oh yeah.” After gathering the ingredients, he pulled a few ice cubes from the freezer and dropped them into a shaker.

Lyria hopped up from her seat and rushed over, staring at the ice cubes sitting at the bottom of the metal container. “Ice!? First all this bright light, now ice? I sense absolutely no magic…”

“Lyria, come sit down.”

“Yes, Alaric.” Her shoulders sagged as she collapsed back into her chair.

Liam shook the drink and then poured it out into a glass. Getting a bit into it all, he added a splash of cola for color and garnished the drink with a lemon slice and mint leaves. Since he wasn’t planning to drink anything himself for the immediate future, it wasn’t like he needed to save the ingredients anyway.

He placed the drink on a coaster in front of Thane and then returned to the sink. Grabbing three more glasses, he used the faucet producing distilled water via the reverse osmosis unit below the sink. After adding an ice cube to each glass, he placed them in front of the remaining guests. “All right, now I’ll use this test.”

Thane had been silently staring at the fancy drink. “Would ya all just look at this…”

“It looks good…” Sylara admitted.

“Tell us how it tastes,” Alaric said.

The dwarf took a sip. “Ho ho ho!? That’s the stuff!”

“These glasses are just remarkable…” Lyria muttered to herself.

“Sylara, I’m surprised you’re willing to drink anything here.”

Sylara lowered the glass from her lips and looked at Alaric. “It’s so pure…”

“Hm, is it? Let me try.” Alaric took a swig. “You’re right!”

“Hey Liam!” Thane shouted after downing the rest of his drink in one go. “You didn’t tell us you were a barkeep! Huh? Uh…”

Everyone was staring at Liam as Sylara vocalized all of their thoughts in one go. “Just what are you doing?”

“Ugh, one second.” Liam removed the swab from his nose and read the instructions again. “It’s part of the test to see if you have the sickness.”

“Why is everything you do so gross?”

“Oy, don’t be mean, lass.”

“Liam, don’t mind us,” Alaric reassured his host. “Take care of your test. We’ll wait as long as you need.”

Liam finished prepping the test materials. “Okay, now I just need to wait fifteen to thirty minutes.”

“Hah! Plenty of time for another!”

Liam took back Thane’s glass and made another drink. He also refilled everyone’s water since they were really enjoying it. “I guess I’ll have something too.” He prepared to carbonate his own drink. “Also, please don’t ask me about this. I’m too tired to explain it now.” He pushed the button, releasing carbon dioxide into his beverage bottle. A few moments later, he was sipping sparkling water.

Lyria had a serious question. “Liam, what will we do if the test determines you have the sickness?”

“Hm.” Liam thought about how much to reveal. “Can you wait until the test results? I’ll tell you then, if necessary.”

“If that is your choice…”

“I’m going back either way,” Sylara declared.

“If the drinks stay this good, I’m not going back at all!” Thane joked.

“Don’t worry, Liam.” Alaric provided some much-needed reassurance. “None of us will leave without discussing the results of that test with you. Also, none of us will stay once it’s safe for us to leave and you’re ready to be rid of us.” He glared at Sylara and Thane as he spoke. Neither argued.

“So, there really are no elves here?” asked Lyria.

“None. No dwarves either.”

“What!?” For some reason, Thane was surprised despite what he had just heard about elves.

“What about demons?” Sylara narrowed her eyes at Liam.

“Only in stories, as far as I know.”

“Orcs? Goblins?”

“Same.”

Sylara listed off several other creature types, but none of them were real as far as Liam was concerned.

“How boring.”

“Lass, not all of us enjoy having enemies, you know.”

“Dwarves are boring.”

“Gyahaha!” Thane took Sylara’s insult in stride.

Liam looked up at the clock. “Well, it’s been over fifteen minutes. The test is negative.”

“How wonderful!” said Lyria.

“In that case, we should be on our way, correct?”

Liam nodded back at Alaric. “Yes. If nothing else, I really need to sleep.”

“Weakling.”

At this point, Liam hardly paid Sylara any attention. Liam could have sworn she seemed a bit frustrated that she didn’t get a rise out of him, but he really was too tired to worry about it.

“Then we return home!” Alaric led the group back to the bathroom adjoining the master bedroom.

“I’ll go first.” Sylara approached the toilet, but paused to look back over her shoulder at Liam. She didn’t say anything. After a couple of seconds, she jumped into the toilet, feet first. She was hardly broad, but it didn’t make sense that her entire body could fit through the bowl’s opening so easily. Some sort of visible lensing had caused her to narrow as she slipped through the door.

“I better hurry through before she causes trouble for someone else.” Thane stepped up onto the bowl and then lowered himself in a more controlled manner. He disappeared from view.

“It feels a bit odd climbing into such an object…” Lyria eventually built up the courage to step through the threshold as well.

“Liam, I’m sure someone will follow up with you soon. I didn’t want to pressure you on our first visit, but despite my attempts to seem calm, the situation back home really is dire. Please give some serious thought to helping us. Oh, no need to give an answer right now. I’ll be on my way! I hope to see you soon.”

The knight, large as he was, had the most trouble positioning himself to descend into the toilet. Eventually, he passed entirely through.

Liam decided to make a mental checklist before going back to bed. “One, doorbell cam for my toilet. Two, alarm for my toilet. Three, panic room.”

He collapsed onto the bed and dreamed of hobbits.