Liam froze up. Had he bedded Lilith? What was the best response? He was pretty sure, “Who hasn’t?” was the wrong answer to the Spymaster’s question, but he wasn’t immediately sure of what to say, which gave the Spymaster a chance to follow up on his own question.
“My daughter made me promise not to kill you, so I’ll give you one chance to explain yourself before I kill you.” The Spymaster’s promises left something to be desired.
“I didn’t bed anybody! When I went to bed and fell asleep, the bed was empty. When I woke up, I immediately exited the bedroom to go somewhere else.”
“Then you bedded her!” the Spymaster objected.
“God dammit…” Liam typed furiously into his phone, bringing up the definition of ‘bed.’ “Look, there are 24 definitions of bed as a noun, but those obviously aren’t this. There are seven definitions of bed when used as a verb with an object. To provide with a bed, to put to bed, to plant in a bed, to lay flat, to place in a bed or layer, to embed in a substance, or to take and/or accompany to bed for the purposes of sexual intercourse. I absolutely did not do that last one.”
“I, uh…”
Liam didn’t let up. “I did provide your daughter with a bed, but you have no reason to complain about that. I did not put her to bed as she was still up and about when I went to sleep. She’s obviously not a plant so I didn’t plant her in a bed of soil. I did not lay her flat since I was asleep. Similarly, I did not place her in a layer like some type of oyster. I certainly didn’t encase her in some substance like concrete.”
Once again, the Spymaster tried opening his mouth, but no words came out.
“I didn’t do anything wrong. If you’re unhappy about what happened while your daughter was here, then talk to her and get off my case!”
“D–Do you have any idea how long since anyone has spoken to me so disrespectfully!?”
“Knowing Lilith… a few hours?”
“Hero!” The horned man stood. Rather than attack Liam or do something else drastic, he paused to think and then sat back down, regaining his calm. “You’re wrong. She didn’t speak to me in such a manner.”
“I… see…” Liam didn’t really care to argue the point.
“She disrespected me with what she chose not to say.”
“Uh, this isn’t really my business, and I’ve never been a father, but isn’t that pretty much normal when you have a daughter who’s an independent thinker?”
“Hm. I suppose I should thank you for trying to cheer me up, but it is not your problem to worry about.”
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Liam took a sip of his coffee, which had cooled some. “And put yourself in my shoes. Here I am just minding my own business, and suddenly I’ve got all kinds of people climbing out of my toilet. Some of them even try to come live with me. Do you know what it’s like to wake up surrounded by—“
“Surrounded?” the Spymaster asked.
Liam groaned. “Did… Did Lilith mention anything about an elf?”
“She withheld information from me about an elf as well?”
“So!” Liam changed the topic. “I have to ask, if you and your top subordinates are able to so easily sneak into the summoning chamber, why haven’t you just assassinated the king in his sleep or something? Not that I’m suggesting it, but I’m just curious…”
“Bah, do you know nothing about our world?”
To be fair, Liam really didn’t know much. “Just the little bit some visitors told me.”
“Think about it, Hero. The humans are ruled by a royal family. The first son will inherit the throne no matter how incompetent he is. Eliminating the royal family will just pass the responsibility of ruling the humans to someone who achieved their position on their own merits. Better to leave things as they are.”
“That’s…” Liam decided not to comment. “How do your people handle that?”
“We’re a meritocracy, Hero, through and through. Even my daughter will lose her position if she fails to perform.”
“Do you have a supreme ruler of some kind?”
“Of course. Don’t you?”
Liam thought about how much to reveal of his nation’s political structures. “We elect a chief executive to serve a fixed term, although his power is limited and balanced against others, to put it simply.”
“Ah, I can see that working,” the Spymaster said. “So, whoever receives the most votes is selected as this chief executive?”
“Well…” Liam looked up the electrical college on his phone. “The country is split into a bunch of States, and each State actually selects electors who meet and then vote for the chief executive. In most states, whoever receives the most votes from the citizens wins the votes of the electors, unless the electors choose to vote for someone else. Oh, and in some states, the representation is proportional. It’s possible for one candidate to receive more votes from citizens but less electors, even if there are no faithless electors. Oh, and—“
“Wait! Please stop!” the Spymaster begged. “I’m rapidly losing interest in this side of the invisible door!
“Uh, all right…”
“As I said, my daughter told me about how you seek peace. Tell me, when my brethren are on the cusp of victory, why should I advise them to retreat and give our enemies a chance to regroup?”
“Well…” Liam felt like he needed to pull a rabbit out of his hat here. “I won’t say you should do that simply because you’ll be making an enemy of me otherwise.”
“Wise, Hero. I could just snuff your life out right now and solve that problem.”
“How about this? When Lilith first arrived, she planned to simply eliminate me, considering me like any other human. But once we realized we could talk and your daughter got to know me, she said she enjoyed being here. Since we weren’t being pressured to fight by our cultures and history, we were able to get along. Perhaps, if given the chance, your brethren would be able to coexist with the humans and their allies.”
“Hmph. I find that difficult to believe. Well, I’ll at least pass your suggestion along.” The Spymaster stood. “I should get back. I know Lilith is planning to return and collect a ‘cute’ hound of some type. Do make sure you keep your hands to yourself.”
“I will continue to keep my hands to myself,” said Liam.
“Your political systems aside, I can tell just by looking around that your world has much to offer. Make sure you aren’t sharing anything too valuable with the humans that attempted to summon you. I’ll be in touch.” The demon proceeded to the bathroom and lowered his face to the portal. After inspecting the summoning chamber for a moment, he disappeared.