Having finally recovered from his hangover, Liam was getting a restful night’s sleep. A noise woke him abruptly. It seemed to come from the bathroom. At first, he assumed it was just one of those random noises that houses make sometimes for no obvious reason. The next noise he heard was louder and disproved that theory.

Suddenly wide-awake, Liam kicked the bedsheets off of his body and rolled to the side of the bed opposite the bathroom. Lowering his body to the floor, he raised his face to peek over the top. He heard several more noises, which was strange because there wasn’t a way to enter the bathroom without passing through the bedroom. Had multiple people snuck past him while he was sleeping? He shuddered at the thought.

Liam didn’t have line-of-sight, but he could swear he heard multiple pairs of footsteps. As he tried to count how many people might be in his bathroom, a blinding light forced him to close his eyes for a moment. Opening them again slowly, he realized the light wasn’t actually that bright; his eye just needed a moment to adjust from the darkness of the bedroom. The light seemed to move, like dancing flames. Oh, that’s what it was. He was seeing reflected torch-light. As if things weren’t strange enough.

Sensing the torch-wielder beginning to peer around the door frame, Liam dropped to the floor as quickly and quietly as he could.

“Looks like a bedchamber,” a male voice whispered.

A bedchamber? Just what the hell kind of backwater or period drama did that guy pop out of? Were they roleplaying? Was the renaissance festival in town?

“Wait, I sense someone.” That time, it was a feminine voice, although she also spoke in hushed tones, barely audible.

“Hostile?” he asked.

“No, just afraid.”

Who the hell did she think she was, sneaking into his bathroom and then accusing him of being afraid? It would be stranger if he wasn’t afraid right now. A little fear is perfectly healthy when medieval nutcases sneak into your room carrying torches while you’re minding your own business trying to sleep. Liam felt any reasonable person would agree with him.

“And angry,” she added.

That bitch…

“Hoh? They hear us, then?”

“He, and yes, I think so.”

“This is ridiculous,” a second female voice interjected.

“Wait!”

Disregarding the male’s voice, the impatient female bounded over the bed, landing right next to Liam. By the time he looked up, she was already aiming an arrow at him. The woman was using an actual bow as a weapon. “Friend or foe?”

Liam froze. While freezing may have been pretty pathetic, who could blame him? This situation was just ridiculous.

“Calm down, lass.” The source of the male voice was walking around the bed, although with a much calmer pace. “Well met. I’m Thane. The rogue attempting to empty yer bladder is Sylara. Hey, ease off him, will ya?”

This Sylara clicked her tongue and then lowered her bow, taking a few steps back.

“I’m called Lyria.” The first woman Liam had heard before was trailing behind Thane. “I’m sure Alaric will be along in a moment.”

“Just a minute!” a new male voice called from the bathroom. “I’m through!” This fourth person jogged out of the bathroom and joined the others. “You three look like you’re taking a hostage…”

“Aye, apologies for our rude entrance. Why don’t ya put some clothes on and then we’ll continue this conversation? Ya understand what I’m saying, don’t cha?”

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

Liam looked back and forth between the four strange people in his bedroom. The short guy with a funny way of speaking was almost certainly a dwarf, if movies were any indication. The other guy seemed like a pretty stereotypical knight, or maybe a paladin? The two women were… elves. The one with the bow seemed more rogue-like than ranger or hunter, probably. The other had the air of a magic user, if such a thing were possible.

Somehow, Liam managed to muster a tone of frustration and exasperation. “Why the hell are you all in my bedroom?”

“Big words for a half-naked man.”

“Sylara!” the knight rebuked. “How would you feel if people snuck in on you while you were sleeping?”

“Hmph.” She was unrepentant. “That’s basic training.”

“Aye, but that’s only true for a rogue,” said Thane the dwarf. “We’re strangers in a strange land, ya see. Let’s cut the lad some slack?”

“I agree,” said Lyria, the less intimidating elf. “Why don’t you slip into something just a tad less comfortable? We have important matters to discuss.”

Although Sylara’s complaints did little to move Liam, Lyria’s polite remark was somehow making his ears turn red. He finally hopped up and hustled over to the dresser to put on clothes beyond the boxer shorts he was already wearing.

Sylara kept an eye on him, but the others politely looked away and scrutinized the ceiling or whatever else captured their gazes. Liam wasn’t sure if they were being awkward or were just fascinated with their surroundings.

“Oh… you can put that torch, or whatever it is, out.”

Thane gestured with the torch. “This? Won’t it get dark?”

Liam wasn’t sure if he should reveal too much or not, but he was extremely stressed out and didn’t care anymore. He stepped over to the light switch and turned on the overhead bulb.

All four of his guests staggered backwards at the suddenness of it.

“What is it?” Alaric the knight asked Lyria.

“It’s… not magic. Of that I am sure.”

“Oi, laddy, how did you do that?”

Liam didn’t think a lesson on Thomas Edison was the most pressing matter. “Um, I’ll explain later. Can you tell me what the heck is going on?”

“Aye. Ya must be tired. Why don’t cha have a seat while Alaric here explains?”

Liam accepted the invitation and sat down on the foot of his bed. He looked around and noticed there weren’t any other chairs for anyone else to sit on.

“Ah, don’t worry about us,” Thane reassured Liam.

“Speak for yourself. Why should I have to stand?” Sylara returned the bow to her back and then sat down on the bed not too far from Liam. After sinking into the mattress, she tilted her head and then bounced a couple of times. “What is this?” She bounced several more times, enjoying the springiness.

“Please don’t break my bed,” Liam pleaded.

“A–Anyway, as you heard, I’m Alaric, and I’m the leader of this party.”

Sylara continued bouncing.

“I’m Liam.”

“Liam! It’s a pleasure to meet you! Please rest assured that we mean you no harm.”

Liam turned to Sylara. “Would you stop bounc—“

He stopped mid-word as he noticed a dagger pressed to his neck. He never even saw Sylara draw it. Somehow, he had adjusted to the crazy pace of events and he managed a retort. “I’m getting mixed messages, Alaric.”

The knight’s face was buried in his palms.

Sylara returned the dagger to wherever she drew it from without saying anything.

“Please don’t think too badly of her,” said Lyria. “That hotheadedness of hers has actually saved us numerous times, even if it’s not needed here today.”

Liam brought a hand to his throat and swallowed. “Is she the type who acts mean and plays hard to get, but deep down she actually likes you and is vulnerable and—“

He wasn’t quite sure how the laws of physics worked for this elf, but Liam was lying on his stomach with his arms held behind his back before he knew what had happened. Actually, his arms were locked in place because Sylara was sitting on them.

Thane whooped, “He got you good!”

Lyria’s comment was more subdued but had no less bite. “My, he’s only known you for a few minutes and yet he’s got you more or less figured out, doesn’t he?”

Alaric’s tone suddenly changed. “Sylara, release him. Right now.”

Sylara instantly released Liam’s arms and rolled off to the side.

The other two guests straightened up their posture and put on their serious faces.

Even Liam was trembling a bit and the weight of Alaric’s command. Nevertheless, he rolled on to his back and then sat up, swinging his arms around to loosen the joints.

“I really do apologize for my party’s conduct.” Alaric bowed his head slightly for just a moment. “Our mission here is important, so I’ll get on with it. We were sent here to investigate a failed summoning ritual. Are you familiar with the hero summoning?”

“No, but I can guess?” Liam had heard of similar cases in stories before, at least.

“Hm, I see. In short, we used an ancient ritual to summon a hero, but the hero did not arrive as expected. Instead, human excrement fell from an invisible door in the air. Judging from that object we each climbed out of a few minutes ago, I can guess what happened. Do you catch my meaning?”

Setting aside how strange it was for some hero summoning ritual to select Liam as its target, did this knight really just explain that a kingdom attempted to summon a hero, and all that showed up in the summoning circle was a turd?