Liam had to put his foot down. “There are so many reasons why you can’t just live here now.”

“Why?” She didn’t even look up from the game as she asked.

“For starters, what’s going to happen when the kingdom sends more people through the invisible door? Are you and they going to get along?” Liam heard the sound effect of Lilith losing the game.

She put the portable system down on the table in front of her. “No, we won’t get along,” she admitted. “I’ll hide.”

“Always!?” Liam was no expert, but even he understood that was a bad plan. “Last time they sent a rogue and some magic expert through; I doubt you could hide from people like that indefinitely.”

“Grrr…” She actually growled.

“Besides, what will happen when you don’t report back?”

“Hm…” She seemed to be taking the question seriously. “I guess they’ll send someone else to find out what happened to me.”

Liam was annoyed by how Lilith made it sound like that had nothing to do with her. “And how will they react when they see you’re just living here?”

“Call me a traitor and try to kill both of us?”

“Lilith… If an assassin is trying to kill me, that’s like, a really bad day. For me.”

Lilith chuckled. “I noticed.”

“It’s obvious this isn’t going to work. But before that, I should actually set up that doorbell cam. It will alert me if anyone is coming through the invisible door.”

“Oh! I wanna see!” Lilith followed behind Liam as he carried his newest acquisition to the bathroom.

“I was gonna wait until you were away to set this up, but I think it’s more important for me to install it quickly than for me to keep its location and function a secret…”

Lilith watched while Liam repositioned a fake plant near an electrical outlet and attached the doorbell cam so that it would record the toilet from a discreet position. She started yawning when Liam spent several minutes with the instructions learning how to sync the device to the app on his phone and adjust the settings to match his needs.

“Okay, let’s test it. Here, I’m putting my phone in my pocket. Lilith, can you walk over to the toilet and stand next to it?”

“Sure.” She was eager to participate in the experiment. Just as she stepped near the toilet, Liam’s phone started vibrating.

“See, there it is.” Liam took his phone out and clicked on the screen. After inspecting it for a moment, he turned it to show Lilith.

“That’s me!”

“Yup. Now I’ll know whenever anyone comes through. It’s probably possible to defeat this system, but nobody except you and me know about it. Can you keep it a secret for now?”

“I don’t see why not?” Lilith walked away from the toilet, leaving the camera’s view.

“Liam, I want to catch my own dog just like that other one!” Sylara shouted that as soon as her head popped out of the toilet. She turned her head to look at Lilith, who also turned around to stare at the elf.

“Oh crap…” Liam muttered.

Time froze. The very thing Liam was worried about had just happened. The elf rogue and the demoness assassin would fight each other to the death, tearing up Liam’s home in the process. Regardless of who won, it would leave behind a huge mess, not to mention how traumatized Liam would be. It’s even possible both of them would off the other, leaving Liam with two dead bodies. What would he do then? Drop them both into the toilet with an apology note?

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

If Sylara triumphed and Lilith were killed, things would probably calm down for a little while. Sylara would simply report her victory to the kingdom on the other side of the toilet. The Grand Magus and his allies would surely intend to continue negotiating with Liam, writing Lilith off as just a hurdle they had already overcome.

In the long-term, that could be really bad. Liam’s current connection with Lilith, while a bit frustrating on the surface, was potentially a huge boon for his goals. If he could establish amicable relations with the forces of darkness, perhaps he could negotiate a ceasefire or even work towards ending this eternal war, all without having to enter his toilet. No matter how cordial the Grand Magus was with Liam, he wouldn’t throw his support entirely behind the human side knowing there were people like Lilith on the other side—people you could be friends with once you learned to communicate.

Maybe Sylara and Lilith would hold off fighting long enough for Liam to get between them and force a truce—at least long enough for Liam to explain the circumstances to Sylara. Liam figured Lilith would be willing to delay hostilities if Sylara was.

Sylara placed her hands on the bowl of the toilet, lifting herself up in one fluid motion. By the time she landed with both feet on the rim, she already had weapons in each hand.

Lilith had two weapons drawn, faster than Liam could even notice the motion.

The two lunged at one another, alternating between slashes and parries, with the occasional kick thrown in, trying to knock the other off balance. Liam’s hope that the two would hold off on fighting for at least a little while was quickly proven naïve.

The bathroom wasn’t very big. While neither fighter was trying to hurt Liam, he was in danger just due to his close proximity to all their wild slashes. Also, his goal wasn’t to escape; it was to stop the fighting.

“Impatient bitch.”

“Demon scum.”

The two managed to get out a couple of words even as they fought. It took Sylara a moment to notice something was off, but she suddenly had a surprised look on her face after processing Lilith’s words.

Liam figured she was realizing that the two could understand each other. Lilith already knew it was likely she would be able to communicate with whoever came through the toilet, so she wasn’t as surprised. If Liam was going to stop the battle, now was the time.

“BOTH OF YOU, BACK OFF!”

Lilith reacted first, hopping back to the opposite wall of the bathroom, lowering her blades to less menacing positions.

A moment later, Sylara took two quick steps back, maximizing the distance between the two of them. “Liam, she’s a demon, come over here,” she instructed softly.

“Hang on.” Liam knew he needed to choose his words carefully or the two would start fighting again. “Her name is Lilith and she’s already been here for a while. If she wanted to hurt me, she could have done it at any time. Hear her out.”

“There’s no point in listening to a demon. Actually… Why could I understand her vile words when she called me impatient…?”

Liam explained, “Sylara, I think whoever comes through the invisible door to this side gains the ability to speak with me. Since you both came through, you can communicate.”

“Is that so…?” Sylara was thinking about Liam’s theory.

“Are all elves so slow on the uptake, or just you?” Lilith mocked.

“Lilith, stop.”

“F–Fine…”

Sylara looked back and forth between Liam and Lilith, eyes wide. “She’s… she’s trying to trick you!”

“Am not.” Lilith disagreed.

Liam had an idea for how to calm things down. “Sylara, why did you come through the invisible door just now?”

The elf tilted her head, as though confused why Liam was bringing the other matter up right now. “I want to catch my own dog. One like that breed which came through the invisible door…”

“What’s this about a dog?” asked Lilith.

“It was a dachshund,” Liam explained. “Both of you, just stay where you are for a moment.” Liam punched a couple of words into his phone. “There.” He held it up so that Sylara could see. You like that?”

“Yes!” Sylara got giddy. “One of those!”

“Huh? Let me see!”

Liam turned his phone so Lilith could see the picture of a dachshund.

“It’s so…” she trailed off.

“So what?” asked Sylara, tensing as though she would attack Lilith in defense of dachshunds, if necessary.

“Its body proportions are so strange…”

“Lilith, that’s why they’re popular,” said Liam. “They’re cute because of their stubby legs and how they’re like super brave despite looking so unthreatening…”

“Oh, I can see that. Okay, I’ll admit they’re cute.”

“So you’re not completely hopeless,” said Sylara.

Now that there was a bit of common ground, Liam needed to make one more push. “Can you both agree, for now, to cease all hostilities while in my home?”

Lilith responded first. “So long as there’s more delicious food to eat, I see no reason to off that elf.”

“Liam, you bought off that demon with food? What is she, a trained pet?”

“Bitch, say that again after you’ve tried the food here.”

“Fine,” Sylara surprisingly agreed. “Food, then I kill you.” Okay, not that surprising.

Liam found himself in a strange position where he needed to wow his guest with food or she would try to kill his other guest. He wondered if that would make for an exciting high-stakes cooking show on tv.