My Dear Friend,

I apologize for my late reply to your last letter. To answer your questions; no, I am not plotting to destroy the world, yes, you are allowed to milk cows without consent, and no, I cannot in good conscience say that you can eat those “mysterious small red berries” you mentioned. Forgive any rudeness this comment may imply, but it seems you might be more strongly suited to matters of the heart than of the mind. Unless of course you wish for me to insinuate your small intellect for a laugh. Even so, I would like to ask if you had advice on gifts? As you know, in two months it will be the first anniversary of my marriage. I’ve never really given gifts before but an event like this might require a little more effort than usual.

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

- Sincerely Meant, Damian.