"...What the fuck," Leyla Nukem said, with feeling. "Is that- no, what the- fucking, how?!"

"The story of how we got the Teapot of Eternity is enough to fill an entire novel," I said. "However, it doesn't matter. We have the Teapot of Eternity in our hands, we've completed your daughter's stupid fucking quest, and per the terms laid out by your daughter, Eris Nukem, in her role as Acting Duke, she is now bound to abdicate her status as Heir Apparent to the ducal throne, granting it instead..."

"To me," Rachel said. "You'll have me on the throne like you always wanted, right up until you changed your mind. And it will be sooner than you think, because while this wasn't in the terms of the quest, you will abdicate the high seat yourself if you know what's good for both you and the realm."

"What's good for the realm?" Leyla asked, snorting. "I've brought this realm an unprecedented peace, where people as old as thirty grew up without ever knowing real battle. And you think that you and your fucking Archmage with her fucking machines can do better than that? Without Abby's legend keeping everyone else out, how do you expect to defend this realm? Without my leadership keeping everyone else in line, how do you expect to run this realm? What's good for the realm- you don't know shit about this realm!"

"Neither do you!" Marquis Jet yelled, standing up. "You talk about the legend of your wife, as though you haven't been riding her coattails this whole time! You talk about your leadership as though you aren't a cantankerous, swaggering bully who brings shame to your family's good name! You talk as though you are good for this realm, when your own father would run you through on the spot if only she was around to witness what you've done to her lands!"

"You refuse to allocate budget to maintaining our road network, leading to a decline in trade," Irena said.

"You always hold your court here when you can get away with it, and haven't visited the holdings of your vassals in twenty five years!" Count Sylvan raged, showing that her pledge of support had not just been theater.

"You set unreasonable, restrictive laws that put us at risk simply for the sake of stroking your own ego, because you are incapable of running the realm well enough to elicit these reactions the normal way," Count Rijeka said.

"You put your own selfish desires before the good of the realm time and again, especially with the handling of your bloodline," Amelia said. "We labored five years to grant you the boon of a single child, and you sired it upon a Blue Wind rather than any of the Mages who offered themselves up, leaving House Nukem without a void affinity for another generation, then you prioritized your ahistorical, baseless, self-aggrandizing 'tradition' over correcting this mistake with your daughter's progeny."

"Duke Kara warned me, before her passing, that she planned to take you into battle with her, because it would be better for House Nukem's bloodline and power to end than for it to be held solely by you," Count Edenfield said. "The terms of the Acting Duke's quest were clear, Leyla. Rachel Miranda is the Heir Apparent now. Abdicate gracefully, before she invokes her right to challenge you for the throne."

"Is that fucking so," Leyla asked, turning a baleful eye on her very nervous-looking daughter. "Well. We'll have to go over succession laws with Eris later, but right now, I can tell you pretty clearly: that ain't happening. You can't name someone as an heir unless they've got House Nukem's bloodline, and you, Rachel, would have never been the real Duke. You would've been a courtesy Duke, thanks to sleeping with someone who did have a real title. So, nice try, but that shit won't fly. And the rest of you... Well. I'll deal with you little shits after I'm done with these nuisances."

"Just so we're clear," I said. "You know House Nukem's succession laws, and acknowledge their validity and your intent to follow them?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Leyla asked. "What, are you about to claim that your double void affinity makes you part of our bloodline? Cause it doesn't fucking work that way, asshole."

"Oh, no, I'm not going to lay claim to the throne," I said.

"I am."

Kara strode into the Grand Hall, and stared contemptuously at the Duke.

"I am Kara Nukem of the Black Stone," Kara announced. "Daughter of your sister, Ariel Nukem, and granddaughter of the last Duke, Kara Nukem. I am the rightful heir to House Nukem's throne. And you, Steward Leyla, are in. My. Seat."

Manor Nukem recognized Kara's claim, and unceremoniously threw Leyla, Abby, and Eris out of their seats, where they landed on the steps leading down from the chancel to the transept. Leyla was the one who caught her footing the quickest, landing securely on her feet and gesturing for a knight to bring her her sword; Eris caught herself after a few stumbles, but then drew her own sword; and Leyla herself rolled down the whole staircase before slowly picking herself back up.

"Heh," Leyla said, before starting to chuckle in earnest. "Really, now. You're my bastard niece, huh? And here I thought tonight was going to be boring."

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

"Yes, yes, history is being made tonight," Kara said impatiently. "You are not the Steward anymore. You stopped mattering. Shut up and get out while you still can."

"Aw, but didn't you hear what got said earlier?" Leyla asked. "Heirs have the right to challenge the sitting Duke for the throne. You might've tricked my fucking house into thinking you're the real Duke, but I'm still a Duke's daughter, and I can still challenge you for the throne."

"I figured you wouldn't be able to accept defeat gracefully," Kara said, shrugging. "Very well- you and your wife, in a duel to the death against my own proxies, Lucifer Morningstar and Rachel Miranda. Someone fetch Abigail Van Helsing her armor; I will suffer no accusations that she was unable to prepare herself."

Apparently, Abby's armor was kept close at hand, because a knight- or possibly just a particularly old squire?- rushed forward with Abby's mended arming doublet and armor. She dressed quickly and efficiently, giving Manor Nukem enough time to rearrange the chancel and transept into a dueling arena, finishing just as Abby finished armoring up, with everyone else standing outside the arena, including Eris Nukem herself.

"This is a duel to the death, with no holds barred," Abigail said, glaring at me through her visor. "I can cast spells, I can heal myself, and I'm not going to be stopped by your little toy from last time."

I'd asked Rachel, earlier, how the fuck people killed each other in wars, if nearly every fighter had some sort of water magic that let them heal their wounds near-instantly. And she told me that it was done by either bleeding away someone's mana pool so they couldn't heal their wounds, or by doing massive damage to the brain that would kill them instantly. So my gun, while a nice gimmick in duels, wasn't great for actual battle unless I was willing to use a lot of lead or I could reliably hit headshots, which... no, I couldn't.

I'd then asked if Rachel was any good at this technique. She'd simply shrugged, and said that, for tonight, she wouldn't need to be.

"Don't worry about her," Rachel said, summoning her sword from her void space. She'd had time to prepare, and think about precisely how a Kotor Knight fought, and how to defeat one in a duel. Her answer... was a longsword, just like the Kotor Knights used. She hadn't had time to discuss her strategy with me, but, well, fuck it. She's the swordsage, not me. She knows what she's doing. "Your real opponent is me."

"And that leaves me against Leyla," I said, staring down that snarling asshole of a Duke Nukem expy. It was funny, how at first I'd been unable to separate her from the fictional character of Duke Nukem, because they looked so much alike, and had some other superficially similar mannerisms. But, the more I came to know Leyla- and this might be down to me having never actually played a Duke Nukem game in my life- the more I realized that she was not, in fact, a charmingly parodic-adjacent insane narcissist who was the guardian angel of a particularly seedy and sexy world.

She was just an asshole.

"You think you're going to kill me?" Abby asked, turning to look at Rachel. "I held you in my arms and comforted you, on your first night here. I taught you everything you know about using a sword."

"You stood idly by as I was cast out like trash," Rachel said. "Besides. I found a new teacher, who taught me better than you ever could."

"Enough talking," Kara said. "All duelists understand the stakes?"

"We do," all four of us said in unison.

"Then let the duel begin."

The first thing that happened was I nailed Leyla with an anti-magic spell, that'd stop her from using any magical skills. But the first noticeable thing that happened was Rachel and Abby charging each other, sword against sword, the clash of steel ringing through the hall like wind chimes as they fought.

I teleported around them, to where Leyla was discovering her inability to cast spells, and pulled the air out of her throat, just like I'd done to Eris, bringing Leyla to her knees.

Abby shouted something inarticulate, before attempting to break from her duel with Rachel to stop me, and this is where Rachel unveiled the depths of her strategy, instantly swapping her longsword out for a scimitar, and cleaving through Abby's armor to slice her in half.

Abby reattached her lower half instantly, turning her attention back to Rachel and attacking in a rage, trying to finish this part of the duel before her husband choked to death under my spell, as severed bits of armor plating clattered to the ground.

The longsword techniques taught to the Kotor Knights by the swordsages were good, but they were not designed to deal with scimitars, and Abby simply couldn't cope with the sinuous flow of Rachel's scimitar, which effortlessly blocked every thrust and slash, while in turn making quick swipes at the leather strapping that held Abby's armor on. Of course, Abby wasn't an idiot; she knew a distilled technique, not a stupid one, and she'd been training for decades. She figured out how Rachel's scimitar worked, and started blocking Rachel's extra swipes.

So Rachel switched to a rapier, and Abby was completely lost once again, as Rachel used four feet of razor sharp and heavily-enchanted metal to puncture Abby's armor like tissue paper, spilling blood and skewering organs underneath. And while Abby struggled to adapt to this new style, Leyla continued to choke.

"I was taught by the oldest swordsage in the Grand Temple," Rachel said, over the clashing of steel. "When I completed my training, she told me that, despite being called a swordsage myself, it was all still theory. That I wouldn't be a true swordsage until I demonstrated my skill in battle. That I wouldn't be a true swordsage until I've killed."

"Good... for you..." Abby grunted out, having finally caught on to how to properly defend against a rapier with her longsword. "Too bad... you tried... me!"

Abby lunged forward, and Rachel dismissed her rapier without replacing it with another weapon. She swayed and spun on the spot, one foot positioned strategically to kick Abby in the side, and a hand positioned to snatch the sword from Abby's hand as it fell. Rachel positioned the sword expertly in the split second she took to finish her spin, and then, cleaving through chainmail like it wasn't even there, took Vampire-Slayer Abigail Van Helsing's head off her shoulders with her own sword, while Leyla Nukem watched helplessly, unable to even cry out in shock.

I pulled on the water in Leyla's blood, and snapped her neck, killing her in seconds.

"The usurper's challenge has failed," I said calmly, as Abby's body sprayed blood all over the floor. I'm sure I'd be having Feelings over the fact that I just killed someone later. For now, though... well, couldn't show weakness to the court. "Are there any other claimants who would like to challenge us? Eris Nukem, perhaps?"

"I pledge my loyalty and my life to Duke Kara Nukem, long may she reign," Eris said, taking a shaky step back and dropping her sword. "I submit myself to her judgement, and beg for her mercy."

"You will have it," Kara said, stepping around the spreading mess to take her seat in the throne that was once more reemerging from the floor of the chancel. "The first court of Duke Kara Nukem is now in session. We will begin with a discussion of our new vassals, the dark elves."