Today I have returned home from the recent Walpurgis Night.

As the greatest witch in all of existence, I naturally had to show the lessers their place, thus I was a bit more... decorated than usual.

I wore a pure daemon-skin robe I swindled from a warlock a few decades ago, but I also gave it a bit more bling by coating it in a thin layer of concentrated tears of innocent children.

I wore a large triangular hat that was tailored by an arachne from the 6th layer of Hell (literally cost an arm and a leg, that one. Not mine, of course, but still quite funny how it worked out), and a hairclip made of gold transmuted by a philosopher stone.

There were other luxuries on me: boots tailored by a Fairy, rings made of bones of wise monarchs, bracelets that brought great luck, an enchanted broom that was once used by Baba Yaga and a whole wardrobe worth of unique accessories.

But the centerpiece of my unapologetic showing of opulence was the Mist Ruby I transmuted from true blood of a True Ancestor.

Get this, I got three liters worth of the stuff by trading a story. Quite a profitable deal, if I say so myself.

It beautifully gleams in the moonlight, and, under the Devil's Moon on the Walpurgis Night, it was dazzling.

The lesser witches were all over me.

It also had the unfortunate effect of granting my usually bloodless and fleshless body the scent of succulent blood. Gross.

Vampure ladies were also all over me that night. Ugh.

Anyway, when I arrived home, my mere presence had attracted a swarm of mosquitoes.

Now, a lesser mage would use a charm or a curse to ward off mere insects.

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Lesser mages do a lot of things with magic.

Great mages like me, however, use magic less often.

As you grow older and, hopefully, wiser, you gain a lot of skills and knowledge that render the practice of employing supernatural forces capable of bending reality itself for trivial purposes redundant.

So great ones like me pretty much only ever use our magical prowess for the sake of magic. And sometimes to play. But mostly magic.

Given this mindset, I naturally did not dispel the buzzing cloud of pests that would ignore me any other night.

It is not true that male mosquitoes avoid humans, but it is true that only females bite and drink blood.

My Mist Ruby only gave me the scent of succulent blood, my body was still as bloodless and fleshless as ever. That did not stop the ladies of being all over me for the third time that night.

By the way, the males did not recognise me as human and left me alone (rude!).

While I do not posses the nerve endings necessary to experience pain or itchiness that would usually follow the passionate female attention that I had received, it did not stop me from feeling quite annoyed.

When a crowd of thirsty ladies entered my home with me as they clung to my exposed skin in the throes of mad passion, my patience had reached its limits and I slammed the door shut, and let my hands be guided by my ignited desires...

Unfortunately, there were too many of them for only two hands, and I quickly began to get overwhelmed.

I was thinking of using a curse, like some little child, to rid me of the inconvenience, until I saw the massive red thing made of plastic in the corner.

I hadn't used it in a while, so I had forgotten about it, but so many lonely days had been made to go by faster with its assistance.

It was very long and flexible, allowing it to reach places other models just couldn't, and it was so, so strong when I used it - which was the reason why I chose that model.

It would surely help me deal with all these women, was what I thought, so, still entangled by the ladies, I reached for it.

Allowing myself a smirk, I connected its cord to the electrical outlet and flicked on the switch.

As it roared to life, powerfully vibrating in my hands, my smirk turned into a full-blown witchy cackle.

Now these mosquitoes would know the terror of a vacuum cleaner!

I chased them around the vestibule, happily taking a great many lives in a very short time span.

They tried to hide, they flew to the ceiling, thinking my vacuum cleaner wouldn't reach them.

My vacuum cleaner could reach very far.

Hiding in the corners would only get them cornered.

Hiding in the curtains only worked in children cartoons.

There was no place my vacuum cleaner could not reach.

There was no place this great witch couldn't reach!