Chapter Twenty-Four: Don’t slut shame me.
We exited The Temple of the Unnamed God with two magical daggers, two magical robes, and a basket of lemon cookies. It was all I could do to keep them from stripping out the pipes from the place so I could sell it for scrap metal.
Peter and Gretchen would start bringing the followers in, which meant some support if needed, but I was mostly on my own with the quest. It was midmorning, and I splurged for a carriage back to The Jester. We skirted south of the Temple District and up Central Boulevard. After what happened the other day, I was still a bit jittery about riding in the back of these things.
Fuck me, that was Yester-fucking-day? I rage thought. It was getting to be about five weeks since I came to this world. And this shit is starting to seem like, I don’t know, fucking normal. Gods, superpowers, outfits made of the webs of giant killer demon spiders. And this was just a fucking Tuesday here.
I thought of Megan. I thought of my stupid little room with my unmade bed, my computer, and a half a week’s worth of dirty dishes piled over every surface. I felt angry. Why was I in that room all the time? I mean, all the fucking time when I wasn’t working. It felt like a jail cell to me now. For some reason, it didn’t feel that way at the time, though. I liked my room.
I looked at Leoleth, who gazed dreamily out the window.
“What can a Cleric of the Church of the Unnamed God do?” I asked.
“Lots of sexy stuff,” she looked at me, batting her lashes. “I need to practice a bit.” She waved her hand, displaying her new spells.
Spells:
Grip of Death: Freezes the target in the icy grip of death that feeds on the EP and AP of the target until the target is depleted.
Activation time: Instant. Range: 10 yards. Cost: 35 EP. Duration: Indefinite. Cool Down: 10 minutes.
Death’s Door: Restores target to full health instantly, but only if the target is below 5 VP.
Activation time: Instant. Range: Touch. Cost: 27EP. Duration: Instant. Cool Down: None
Death’s Shadow: Cast a shadow across a target area and drain 75 VP per second from all targets in the area until all targets leave the area or the spell is terminated. The total HP drained is spread evenly across all targets. Requires a light source in the target area.
Activation time: Instant. Range: 100 yards Line of site. Cost: 62 EP Plus 16 EP/Sec. Duration: Instant. Cool Down: 4 hours
Wings of Death: Summoned wings of black obsidian feathers. Allows the caster to glide through the air. Wings also offer protection from magical weapons and attacks until depleted.
Activation time: Instant. Range: Self. Cost: 12 EP Plus 8 EP/Sec. Duration: Indefinite. Cool Down: 30 minutes.
“Yowzer,” I said.
“I know, right?” She said, smiling broadly. “I need to change up my look.”
“Don’t go all gothy on me.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Stay your pretty self, don’t get all kinds of dark makeup and shit.”
“You still wouldn’t be able to resist me.”
“I resist you plenty now.”
“It’s an act, you know, and I know it.”
We finished the trip comparing spells and skills and developing a few basic strategies. She was at level six, getting an experience boost from Peter’s magic touch. She moved as many points into dexterity and spirit as possible to boost her combat capabilities. She was a full-on ranged attacker and already had a massive pool of EP to keep going in a fight.
I, on the other hand, was relegated to up close and personal if we got into it. I could use Time Dilation to get into a group and deal with as much damage as possible, and she could help lock down the more problematic players while I did the stabby-stabby thing. If I got my ass kicked, she could fly in and heal me.
Heather was eating lunch down in the tavern of The Jester when we got in. Leoleth bounded over to her all gleefully, ready to share her cookies. I was about to sit when Nyvorlas waved me over to the bar. I sighed quietly to myself and came over.
“I met the cleric this morning.” He looked at me expectantly.
“And, what?”
“You have three people staying in your suite.”
“Okay.”
“It’s a two-bedroom suite.”
“Are you suggesting that two girls can’t share the same bed?”
“What?” He looked at me, flustered for a moment. “No. You’re only paying for two guests.”
“I’ve been here for how long? Like, a month or so.” I pulled out a pouch of gold out of my storage. And shook several in my hand. “I eat at least two meals a day here and have paid you on time every week.”
“Now, look.” He started to say.
“I tip well and have been just as pleasant as the dawn.” I slapped three gold coins on the counter with a loud crack. “If that’s not the kind of customer you want, consider our business concluded. This should cover a third person for the rest of the week!”
“NY-VOR-LAS!” Yarnorra, his dwarven wife, stood in the doorway, her hands on her hips and a look of rage that scared me more than the giant frost spider. She had an apron on, stained with today’s dinner preparations. “A word.” She said through gritted teeth at him.
He froze momentarily, apparently going through a thousand or so responses, looking for something to get him out of trouble. When he ran out of ideas, he stood facing her at the bar.
“In, tha, back.” She said, tapping her foot with each word. He huffed and slinked into the kitchen.
“Sorry,” she said, coming to the bar. She had curly red hair, a cacophony of spirals and twists that defied every attempt she could fully control. It gave her a look of wild beauty. It was paired with a sexy walk and fiery spirit. And girlfriend, I was all in.
“He okay?”
“Aye,” She bit her lip as if she was not sure of what to say. “Don’t be movin’ out just yet.” She locked her eyes on me, and I was immediately terrified of what I was capable of. They were large, deep green, and would not let go of my little half-elf soul. “I like havin’ ya ‘round.” She sighed slightly when she slid the gold back to me at the bar.
“This is not a long-term thing,” I trailed off as the butterflies in my stomach started doing the electric slide. “I…I…” I stammered. “I mean, Heather’s just going through some stuff? She’ll be out after the festival for sure.”
“’tis fine,” She smiled. The dwarves have broad, expressive faces, and her smile radiated enough to light a room for days. Do not fuck the man’s wife! I screamed in my head. “And don’t be payin’ any mind to poor Nyvorlas. He doesn’t handle stress very well.” She shrugged. “Livin’ in the city is hard for him, bein’ from the mountains and all.”
“Alrighty then.” I tried to shake the spell out of my head. Poor Nyvorlas? “If Heather still hasn’t sorted things out, I will happily book another room for her.”
“We have lots o’ beds,” she said with a wink. “I’m sure we can find a use for some o’ them.” She placed two cups of ale and a plate of bread and cheese on the bar. “On the house, sweetie.” She then sauntered into the back room. Her outrageous curls bounced with every step. Oh shit. What the hells the matter with me?
I balanced the plate on my arms and carried the two cups to the table.
“What the fuck just happened?” I asked, setting the dishes down.
“Dwarves are very lusty,” Leoleth said with a grin when I plopped down across from her and Heather. “Mountain Elves, not so much.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong,” Heather said, placing her hand on mine. “She’s just a little…frustrated.”
“And he hates me because he thinks I’ll…bonk his wife?”
“He can see you’re attracted to her.”
“Of course she is.” Leoleth chimed in. “And his wife might just be down for trying new things.”
“And…” Heather said, shooting a look at Leoleth. “There’s the thing about half-elves.”
“What thing?”
“They are…” Heather paused, searching for the right words.
“Imagine, like a human,” Leoleth said, trying to help. “And like, an elf.”
“They don’t crossbreed much,” Heather said. “Elves have such a long lifespan that they don’t have many children.”
“Okay,” I said, trying to get on board the track they were heading down. “So, I’m a bit of a rare bird?”
“Elves have a low libido in general. And humans are, like, average? I guess?” Heather continued.
“So where does that put me?”
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“Half-elves, pretty much,” Heather started again. “Have a lot of sex drive.”
“That puts it mildly,” Leoleth said. “If dwarves are lusty? Then half-elves? Ten times as much.”
“Oh,” I said. “Oh shit. That makes…” I trailed off.
It was like a kick to the gut. I was never a sexual person before I came here. I knew what I was attracted to, but I had no drive at all. I didn’t even like getting touched all that much. I was completely inexperienced with sex, and now I was acting like a fucking hypersexual fiend when I was around anyone that I found remotely attractive. All of this is because my body has a sex drive that I had no idea how to control. Fuck! I fucking knew it!
“And a bisexual half-elf is very rare,” Heather said. “People see you as an exotic creature.”
“The thing is,” Leoleth said. “Everyone knows about half-elves. So, everyone pretty much expects you want to do everyone you meet.”
“Which is mostly true,” Heather said, this time she had a smile. “Based on what I know about you.”
“Not fair,” I said to Heather. “Why didn’t we have this conversation earlier?” I mean, it started to click with me. I was attracted to almost everyone I met who was slightly good-looking. And if they were pretty or handsome, then it was all I could do to not throw myself at them then and there. Shit.
“I’m sorry.” She said, putting her hand on mine. “It’s not like you’re doomed to a fate of vice and self-degradation or anything. Now that you understand your body, you can control it.”
“A little self-degradation from time to time is a good thing,” Leoleth added.
“Okay, so this now makes sense. A sexually frustrated female dwarf may want to experiment with a girl that would be all into her.” I said, nodding to myself. I remembered meeting Aelia Longhorn and the weird, fetishy way she acted toward me. “I’m a fucking unicorn.”
“What do unicorns have to do with it?” asked Leoleth.
“It’s an expression from where I come from. Meaning I’m a single girl that is available to anybody.”
“Pretty much you.”
“Don’t slut shame me. You banged Eric how many times? And why don’t you have a low libido like the rest of the elves?”
“I like anything that feels good. Fucking feels good.”
“So, you really are just slutty then?”
“Who’s the one shaming now?” Leoleth turned to Heather. “You know, she keeps trying to have sex with me.”
“Oh, my gods! You are so full of shit.” I took a deep breath. “You know, I may have this supernatural sex drive thing, but I’ve only been with like, I don’t know what, three people since I got here?” I counted on my fingers. “Gem and the half dwarf guy, and the other dwarf guy. Oh yeah, Gem and I hooked up with Eric, too. So, like four then.” But was there someone else? It felt like there was, making me uneasy for a second.
“Hard to count him,” Leoleth said. “He’s all flashy with the moves but lacks upper body strength.”
“Yeah, but you guys were starving him,” I replied, not thinking.
“There are exceptions.” Heather interrupted, shooting a look at Leoleth.
“I can’t believe this is my life.” I sighed. “Sorry, I kept hitting on you before.”
“It’s okay.” They both said simultaneously. I glared at the frost elf. She smiled at me and took a bite of cheese.
Heather just lazily waved her hand and ate her lunch without saying anything. She had a stupid grin on her face. It was all she could do to keep from busting out laughing. Oh, Gods, this whole place was so weird.
I just felt embarrassed. Not because I was acting like a teenager on her first trip to camp but because I was not controlling myself. But I didn’t understand it until it was spelled out for me. Even though I’m twenty-six-years-old, my body is jam-packed with high-end adolescent hormones. I hadn’t taken the adult effort of even trying to keep that shit under control.
We finished lunch, and it was now officially girl time. We had a party to get ready for, and that meant a trip to the salon. I’m glad Leoleth had her shit together enough to make an appointment for us because I was just too distracted to plan this kind of stuff out.
It did seem stupid, going off to Sybo’s just when I needed to be looking for a fugitive. The thing is, I had no idea what to do next. So rather than stressing out about it, spending an evening as a guest at a fancy dress party seemed like a way to clear my head and seek out some fresh ideas. Also, Sybo may know someone who could provide me with some assistance.
We had all these coins to help us track her, but we needed to be close. If we had church followers, we could party up with them and then use them to sweep the city, looking for a hit. The Union had people, but I didn’t trust Aymon, and I’m sure he wouldn’t do it for free, regardless. I was doing okay for gold, but I doubt I could bankroll a city-wide operation that could last almost five days during Murder World Mardi Gras.
Jinx and Kev should be back in town in the next day or two; I knew I could count on them to help; that was something, but way too few for what I needed.
“Ye have the maist amazin’ hair, love.” Nefaebella, the hairdresser, said when I sat down in her chair. She gently started brushing it, getting my tangles out.
“Thanks, I’ve kind of been roughing it for a couple of days and not taking good care of it.”
“It shows,” she said with a slight chuckle. “Whit would ye have me dae wi’ it today?
I looked at the large salon mirror. I looked like a clown. At least, that’s how it seemed to me. I had large green eyes, a face full of freckles, and frizzy cotton candy pink hair that went down past my shoulders. I imagine that with a little bit of magic, Nefaebella could pretty much do anything she wanted to it. I was looking at a girl that I couldn’t take seriously.
“Give me a minute,” I said to the dwarven hairdresser.
“It’s a lot tae think aboot, isnae it?”
“Yeah.”
Where was I in this world? Right here, right now. I’d thought survival would mean fighting every day, so I chose a class that let me be sneaky. I figured I was weak, then sneaky seemed safer. I came to the city expecting constant battles, and while I don’t have to fight every day, I’ve still been living on the edge. Every skill I’ve trained is the kind you’d expect from a criminal.
And yet, here I was. I’d already survived three lethal encounters. I didn’t just run or hide. I faced my attackers head-on and took them down.
Now I was tasked with capturing a fugitive and turning her in. I was a bounty hunter. A fucking bounty hunter. I thought about bounty hunters from pop culture back on Earth. They were all badasses and larger than life. And sure, I was something like an assassin, except I hadn’t actually assassinated anyone. Not yet. I just killed… a lot.
Oh, and let’s not forget: I was a Cleric now. I was The Champion for the Unnamed God. The God of Death. The God of mother fucking Death.
Then there was the girl in the mirror. Goofy hair. Goofy smile. Freckles.
Who in the hells was I?
I thought about Earth. I still called it “home” in my head. Back there, I’d just sat at my computer playing games—World of Warcraft, Nancy Drew, Minecraft. They weren’t even hobbies. These are just things to fill the time because I didn’t know what else to do. I ate whatever Mom and Dad made for dinner, then repeated the routine the next day. I was sad, but I hadn’t realized it back then.
And then I came here. When I landed, I was scared out of my mind, running on adrenaline for the first one hour and forty-seven minutes. The Whisperer showed me options, and I made a choice.
I chose to be sneaky. To be smart. I wanted to be someone the world underestimated, someone who could hit hard when no one saw it coming. So, I became a girl with silly freckles, stupid hair, and a face so innocent you’d never think I had two daggers forged by the forces of darkness hidden behind my back.
“Just trim it up,” I said with a smile. “My girlfriends and I are going to a fancy dress thing tonight? So maybe we can put it up? Do something elegant? And if you get me something to help remove body hair, that would be great too.”
“Nae a problem sweety.” She sighed a bit. “Such bonnie hair. I’m glad ye didnae want tae dae anything tae it.”
Nefaebella had her work cut out for her. However, like the Champion of the God of Hairdressers, she did brilliantly. I never was into this kind of girly stuff, but it was fun, and my besties and I chatted and giggled with each other as the women in the shop worked hard to make us feel beautiful.
I was looking at myself in the mirror in the suite. A series of complex interlocking pins and supernatural hair spray contained the frizz on the top of my head. My bangs and sides trickled down the side of my head like little strings of bells. She wove a gold ribbon through the top with little black butterflies that matched my silk dress.
I got a small potion, too, that went into the bathtub. After five minutes of soaking, all the hair was gone south of the neck. I got an odd look when I asked for it, but I wasn’t exactly sure what women did in the southern regions regarding landscaping. I had never gone that route before, and it felt like a bit of exploration.
Titus Sybo wanted to dress me up in his version of “pretty.” The outfit was a halter dress that wrapped around and crisscrossed my chest, with a low-slung waist and a mermaid skirt. My midriff was almost entirely bare, except for two slim panels in the back that connected to the waist. It was slutty with a touch of elegance. Pretty much me.
Thank the gods for the autofit enchantment. At four foot six, the dress shrank by nearly two-thirds the moment I equipped it. I was also braless, which was an entirely new experience for me, but the bare silk was surprisingly comfortable. And, well, I had to admit my enhanced breasts looked cute, even if the fabric was a little on the thin side.
I slipped on fancy black sandals and added a simple, unenchanted gold chain around my neck. My weapons and potions stayed tucked away in my inventory, ready to go. On my finger, I wore my second storage ring with less impressive items—just in case someone decided to rip it off or make me check it at the door.
The outfit left plenty of bare tummy for the Chain of Desire to do its thing if needed. After all, a girl doesn’t go to a party without a bit of bling.
Who am I kidding? The last time I wore a dress was back at Longhorn’s, and then it was just to not look like some pink-haired hobo. I had no idea what I was doing or going to do at a fancy party, even if there was a bloodsport spectacle below to watch. I was equally inexperienced in knowing what to do at sporting events, although I knew yelling and whooping were expected.
Who knows why Titus invited me? I mean, the whole half-elf thing makes sense. He was the kind of sexy that I would be attracted to, even without the hyper-sex drive. Come to think of it, I needed to start categorizing people in my head. There’s hot because I’m a horny ass bitch, and there’s hot because they can be generally accepted as hot.
My talk at lunch with the girls made me think about my choices and how I need to control my impulses. For the briefest moment, the idea of just seeing how many people I could nail, or get nailed by, would satisfy my cravings, and images of some Eyes Wide Shut shit went through my head like that was going to happen tonight. I mean, if it did, it would be cool. For fuck’s Sake! My head was a sack of drunk monkeys sometimes.
“You’re hogging the mirror.” Leoleth griped while I just stood there with my cement mixer of a brain.
“Sorry.” I stepped aside and let her over.
She was wearing a reasonably simple backless blue silk dress. It was long-sleeved and high in front but swung low, I mean dangerously low, in the back. The long skirt bunched a little at the extremely low waistline and was held in place by a silver snowflake-shaped pin on the left. There was a high slit on the right, and her whole thigh was pretty much all out there. She made some adjustments to her hair, which was slicked back. She wore a pair of silver sandals.
Heather ignored the mirror altogether. Her long blond hair was wrapped in an elegant crown braid. She wore what I assume was a church-issued gown. It was strapless, with a tight bodice and a flowing skirt made from the same type of fabric as her robe. She had a white metal broach with her emblem of Armenia over her left breast and a silver shawl that kept her look modest. She was, of course, barefoot.
It was almost sundown, and we headed down to the tavern. We just walked three abreast, holding hands.
“Party up,” I said.
We wordlessly formed a party of three. There was an option to name the party, so I went ahead and gave it as appropriate a name as I could think of—The Squad.
“Squad Rules,” I said with as serious of a look as possible at them while we stood at the window, waiting for the carriage.
“What are Squad Rules?” Heather asked.
“No one goes home alone. We arrive together and leave together.”
“Sounds simple enough,” Leoleth said to the group. And then she turned to me. “When you go and fuck somebody, do it in a closet or something.”
“As if.” I glared at her. “This is the new me. No fucking anybody tonight.”
Sybo’s carriage rolled up a moment later. Maltz, the cat-kin, was up next to the driver. He was shirtless as usual. He sneered down at us when it stopped. Or was it a smile? Gods the guy was just hard to read.
“The bosss sssaid a guessst.” He hissed. So that was how he talked. I wondered if he could purr like a house cat. “There are two.” Definitely a sneer.
“Okay,” I said. “First of all, great counting there. I lost track after one myself. Second, my girls and I are a party, and we can go to many fun activities tonight. So give the boss my warmest regards, and I hope to see him on my next delivery.” I stood there, holding eye contact with my arms crossed.
“Fine.” He growled. “You can come.”
Now, it was a new standoff. He sat up next to the driver, looking down at us. We didn’t move. He didn’t move. After a few moments, Heather stepped up to the front of the cab and huffed.
“The door.” She said sternly, arms crossed. If she were wearing little last season Prada shoes, I’m sure she would be stomping them at him.
Maltz hopped down and opened the door, be it the power of the Goddess of Purity or the power of a pissed-off smoking hot blond bombshell.
“Thank you,” she said as Leoleth and I piled in. “May the Goddess bless you.”