When we entered our new place of residence, we discovered that the place made a complete 180 on the livable scale. Everything had this feel to it that I can’t quite explain. Like the place is alive or something similar that is corny and cliché.
As I gazed over the moat, wait… moat? Last time we were here, there was no fucking moat. And all the damn trees and flowers look like they are freshly planted and pruned. Who the hell could have done this in less than 24 hours?
Something in the back of my head kept bugging me that I know of this. But for the life of me, I can’t remember. Since I cannot place it, I decided to shelve it for later.
Got a date in bed!
When we entered the house, we heard a commotion from the royalties. Turning to look at them, the dwarven King looked me dead in the eyes and asked: “what are your plans for this sector of our home!?”
Raising an eyebrow, I asked my own question. “What do you mean by that. All we did was buy this house here to live in.”
That made the elven Queen giggle like that was funny or something.
“This is not a house human. This castle, as it is properly called, is where you can change the way this sector looks to suit your wants and desires. This is the castle proper for this sector of our Kingdom. It takes your stamina to be able to do what you want, which is why we take it in shifts” the Queen finished while waving her dainty little hand at the other two Kings when she said the latter.
“So you are saying that the crystal ball thingy I found was the landlord thingy?” I could not help but ask.
“That is correct master. I am the AI known as Alice. You awoke me when you decided to upkeep the land last you where here” a feminine robotic voice sounded.
ELECTRONICS BABY! NOW WE ARE TALKEN!
Wait… did she just call herself Alice?
“You are not by chance a homicidal robotic AI are you?”
I love the Resident Evil franchise so much that I now have a phobia for all AIs until they are proven innocent.
“What are you talking about master? I cannot harm any life forms unless you give permission. Or when your life is in danger.”
Whelp. Guess the AI is off the hook then.
Everyone by now was giving me a strange look.
“Where by chance were you born, human?” the lion King asked.
“Hmm. Oh. I was summoned here by the human king who was sooo cliché about summoning me and others to fight the Demon King and his army. The short version is that I pretty much told him to kiss my ass. I already have nightmares form the war I was in from my home planet.”
All at once, the guards immediately drew their swords and made a cute gesture about protecting their respective rulers. Even though I did not want to, I laughed my ass off.
That got another round of strange looks coming my way. Which made me laugh even harder.
“The planet where I can from is far more technologically advanced than here. We have weapons that can shoot a metallic object at the speed of sound. Not to mention that our tactics are vastly better. Why the hell did your guards not shove your highnesses back the way you all came from? That is the proper way of protecting them! Hehe!”
That statement made all the guards bristle. One even thought he was all that and a bag of chips. Which he quickly found out that he was nothing but a pile of shit when I grabbed his wrist and did a quick twist and flipped him over my shoulder. Where he ungracefully landed on his dairy air on the floor.
Just as he landed, guns of all types popped out of the ceiling and pointed at the remaining guards. Which in turn make me giggle maniacally like a girl about ready to get her first real phone.
“Now this is what I am talking about!” I shouted in absolute glee.
Jumping up, I grabbed the back portion of one of the turrets and pulled myself up just enough to give it a big old smackeroo.
Looking up at the ceiling, I asked “can my wives look at what all I have done? Not to mention the approval to rearrange the house as they see fit? I have terrible décor sense.”
“Affirmative master” was the AIs reply, but a bit more flustered.
Is that damn AI blushing!? Oh hell no!
Making sure that my newly minted wives were going to follow me, I took them to the room that had all those seats and that crystal ball thingy. After telling them how I did it, which was none other than touching the damn thing, I had to cover my ears from the squeals of delight that they all made.
Even the Elven Queen hid behind her guards when she saw the maniacal looks in their eyes. The two Kings wisely left the room citing that they wanted to look at the city better now that the overgrowth had receded.
As for me, I was torn between putting my foot down like a boss and wanting to live to see the morning. I didn’t want to see constant change every day. Nor every month cycle. And since living is a better prospect, I left to go see the rest of the castle that the rulers were adamant about me calling my new house. But that was after I reminded them of the appointment we had in bed later that night.
The next morning found me walking into the newly made thrown room with a smile on my face that stretched from ear to ear. My new queens of my house, last I saw of them, were happily glowing as they still slept with such beautiful smiles on their faces.
I sat down on the chair with the orb thing (still don’t know what the hell the fucking this is. Guess I will start calling it The Sims after my favorite booze game), and placed my hand on it. I wanted to look into the volcano to see what types of minerals were in there so I can see about extracting some of it to sell if I could.
But I never would have thought that hell on earth had an apartment complex. The apartments started 4 floors above the pit and worked their way down an additional 15 floors into the lava area. But instead of being submerged in the magma, there was a barrier that has been erected to prevent the place from being flooded.
So I can have quite literally demon babies running around? Huh. Who would have thought? I just figured it was an expression until now.
Should I apologize to all the women I laughingly joked with about them having demon babies before? Hell no! Where is the fun in that!?
Nodding my head, not really understanding why the hell I have Hell Inn in a bloody volcano, I just looked around for any of the materials that I thought I could use. To which I found none. Ha-ah.
“Master, several people are passing into the royal garden to meet with you” Annabelle announced.
I gave her that name since she sounded just like an Annabelle. Aletha and Lily did not understand why I gave her a name, even after I told her that she is 100% completely sentient. And not because I found her voice hot as hell. Including when she called me master. Even the Major twitched at being called that.
Maybe I should have my wives call me that too…?
Nah. Still want to live past today and live to the ripe old age of never happening.
Getting up, I walked out of the main entrance to the castle for the very first time. Where I met the wolf women and dwarf dude. If I remember correctly, that will be a first if I do, these two were the ones who made a guard unit to protect the caravan – Angie and Brunard.
Damn, how I hate remembering names. Why can’t women just allow us men to remember them by their cup size? That would make remembering them 100 times better. And I sure as shit don’t want to remember a dude by this dick size. Especially not a fucking dwarf’s.
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
Waving my hand in friendly greetings found them kneeling so fast that I thought time sped up for them. Looking around their knees, I did not find a crater that would suggest as such. Would have been cool it that happened, but meh.
“Sire, the people of whom you saved has requested to gaining a permit to live in your area” Angie announced in a formal tone.
One eyebrow raising while the other twitched, I asked “and why do they need my approval to do something like that? Last I checked, I was just a newcomer myself.”
“We all got one of dem letters from the peacocks sayen tat ye are the new lord of da lands here. Did ya not get one sir?” Brunard asked with shock.
Grr! This is why I hate politics. Why the hell did no one tell me a damn thing!?
“Master, the Elven Queen, as well as the two Kings told your wives last night that you became the Lord and King of this area while you were busy playing around in what you called “Disney Land.””
Memories of seeing exotic animals that were nothing but fantasy back on Earth. And that I was busy running after and being chased by all of them.
Fun times. Fun times.
“So… why did they not tell me until now?”
Annabelle just sighed (she sighed for Pete's sake. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD! For nothing good when a woman sighs like that), and said flatly “Aletha, Tigrina, Lily, Jessica, and Tiffany all said that if they told you before they got to play with your anaconda, they would have to cut your head off, used magic to keep it alive, then played with your lower body as you watched. They were afraid that your ego would not fit through the door otherwise.”
Looking down at Major I said, “just because I can do so, I don’t want to have to cart him around.”
Opening my eyes, I found myself on the ground. Looking around, I could see that Brunard had Angie on the ground saying “just because he spoke facts, does not mean you can hit him on the head with your damn club women!”
Looking up to meet my eyes, he asked seriously “Me ego could use a bit of enlargement, your highness. Could you by…”
Was all he could say, because, in the blink of an eye, Angie was on her feet with murder in her eyes as she swung for the fence like Babe Ruth. But with Brunard head as the ball.
Turning those eyes on me, I put up my arms in a calming gesture as I spoke: “just because I can do said task, does not mean that I want a dwarf to have bigger goods than me.”
Waking up again, I can here muffle sounds from behind me. Putting a hand on my hurting head, I got up and turned around to see and outraged Angie, as well as my executioners who are giving me a wistful look.
“Can you increase the size of your Ego?” Jessica of all people asks.
Nodding my head like a child who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, Aletha asked: “can you make yourself more and less potent on command?”
Again I nodded my head.
Lily upon hearing that spoke in lustful hints as she asks “can you make us as we desire to look?”
My head nods as fast as it can without my input with large beads of sweat rolling down my face.
Tigrina all but purred out “can you make us tighter?”
Not daring to smirk, I just nodded again.
Tiffany, who has this smirk of victory, bluntly asks “can you make it so you can impregnate us?”
Nodding my head to the point my neck pops with every movement, they finally remove the swords that they had pointed at major. Who was trying his best to retreat inward.
Victorious smiles were all I could see. Even Angie had a smirk that was practically saying “they own you, pretty boy.” All I could do was drop my head in defeat.
REVENGE WILL BE MINE! I don’t know how but, REVENGE WILL BE MINE!
An hour later, we had finished eating as a haggard-looking Brunard entered the dining room. He sat next to Angie, who is now giving him a death glare as she growled her famous wolf growl, before saying “as we were about to say, the individuals dat you saved from dem slavers have asked tat they be allow admittance into yer kingdom. Even some of der family members of whom are kin to the rescues have asked dat they come here as well. And since me and Angie were the only two to be somewhat immune to yer threats, dem sissies asked us to say what their arses wanted to say.”
I could only blink as to what I am hearing. Why the hell am I being asked such a stupid question?
I guess my face spoke differently from what I was thinking because Angie said quickly “there are over 3000 people who have requested to move here, sire.”
My head hit the table hard enough that all the plates and silverware was lifted high enough to clank as they landed.
Why me?
“Sure! They can come and live here. I mean, why couldn’t they?” Tiffany asked in an airhead sort of way.
I sometimes forget that she is a ditz when it comes to certain things.
Lifting my head up, I groaned at what I am about to say. I mean, what man wouldn’t? I had already lost my bachelors card. Now I am about to lose my freedom card.
“Sure. They can come live here. I mean, I just found out that the damn volcano is practically an inn for the demonic people since they are the only ones who can live near the magma without being harmed. Then I find out that I am now a bloody ruler? So, why not just say ‘fuck it’?” I sighed out in resignation.
If anything, I can probably turn this all around and get major kudos for later tonight. But first I will need to survive the ‘making the laws’ process with the wives.
Women can be finicky when it comes to laws.
So, going to my new king room (just a room that has a desk with paperwork is going to pile up. At least there is a fireplace for me to put them as I build a fire), I sit down with the wives as we are about to have our first real fight. A fight that might destroy the kingdom itself.
So before they can say anything, I start to write as fast as I can:
Rule 1: everyone is to be treated equally.
Rule 2: there will be no prejudice of any kind.
Rule 3: everyone is allowed to have multiple spouses (including women who are into that).
Rule 4: all the women will go to my spouses
That is all I could write before Lily grabbed the piece of paper from me.
Lifting a delicate brow, she put it back down before saying “continue with what you were writing.” In which I took it gingerly as if she might say “sike” and rip it up.
With that, the next few days we hashed out what we wanted our laws to be. And as expected, the girls tried to get the laws to be more feminist the equal. In which my dog house days loomed close.
By the time we finished, the citizens were fully moved in finally. And since I still have something I still wanted to do, I had my wives sit to the side with me as I had the people go off to different sides based on gender. That got me quite a few daggers embedded into my back view eyes.
Once everyone was situated, I said without a single bit of remorse “for the next week, I want both genders to come up with different laws that each side wants to have implemented!”
And with that, I called it a day.
A week later, we were all sitting back in the coliseum I had renovated from what looked to be a bloody entertainment area. As soon as the last person was sitting, I could see a clear cut battlefield that everyone was going to hate me for when I was done.
Did I want to do this? FUCK NO!
Without further ado, I had each sides representative of each race state the laws that they wanted to be implemented by the end of the year since the new year was only a few months away. That pissed more people off.
But the time each of them had said their peace, I stood up and stated the laws that were indeed going to be implemented regardless of what they said. And to the laws they wanted, I only shook my head and said:
“As for the laws you have stated, I will make it so for as long as each group pays thrice the amount of punishments that you all have stated. As I have stated to my wives over and over again, I will not have a biased nor one-sided kingdom. If the price that women have desired for male rapists is to have his dick and balls cut off, then women must become barren by having their womb burned.”
That got all the women riled up to a near revolt, I just kept going not even caring.
“As for the men of whom want women to be respectful in their desire, then the punishment for not doing the same shall be three times worth than your slave pet punishment. And yes, I know. That is not what you all stated. But that is the same thing that I have just stated. Which means, all men who do not respect their wives shall become their puppet until the day they die. And so on and so forth.”
“Where I come from, men and women have been at war without being at war with each other. Always sniping the other side. Always abusing the laws to get what they want. I for one despise such acts. Therefore, if any act goes against our kingdom knowing full well that it does, shall be punished based on the laws that have been stated by everyone present.”
“Even I am bound to these laws. Even more so as your K-K-King. Damn, I hate saying that. I want everyone to have a fair and equal life. Each race shall have a male and female representative that will act as both mayor and a member of the ruling class. But just because they are, does not mean that they, themselves, are not immune to getting down and dirty with work.”
“If the people designated to be the bridge between you and me can till the farm fields, then they will be doing so. If they can help set up areas that can bring the gap between the races, then that is what they are going to be doing. I will not have prejudice of peerage within my borders.”
That brought he mutinous aura down to the point it was almost gone. I could see that there are a few people who think they can get away with it if they tried. Other than that, everyone was now whispering to each other about what all they can possibly do now that they don’t have to worry about certain things the other three normally implemented.
“Now I have something to announce! Angie Brightstar, please step forward.”
She had on a flustered, confused look. All I could do not to laugh in glee was smirk as she got closer.
Ah… revenge at last. This will teach you to bash my head in!
“From this day forward, as I know my wives will enjoy immensely, Angie Brightstar is now the General of my Honor Guard! Even though I said that there will be no Prejudice within this Kingdom, I can only ask, ‘Who is better with protecting one’s home? Men or women?’”
“Brunard Knucklehead (I still laugh at saying his name. It will never get old) come forth!”
Not knowing why he was stepping forward, he just strutted forth like he owned the place.
Grinning like the cat that got the cream, I spoke with joy in my voice.
“Brunard Knucklehead, from this day forward, you are the General of my armies.”
I doubled over laughing as he faceplanted onto the ground after the look of horror that found its way onto his face. Even his family was laughing at him. For everyone knows that he hates anything to do with the military.
It's so good to be the King!
Later that day, I was swamped with pleasing my wives. But it was the next morning that I screamed in horror as I read what they wanted me to do to them concerning my ability to change people due to my biology and anatomy ability. AKA - flesh magic.