PART 1

"Hi, I'm back!" I announced my entrance as usual as I reappeared in the classroom. By this point Judy was so used to my Phasing antics she barely batted an eye at my sudden arrival.

"It took a—" she began, only to abruptly stop her sentence as she looked me over, and then she asked, "Where's the tracksuit?"

"Oh, that?" I glanced down and tugged at the sleeves of my jacket on purpose. "I figured I should get rid of any possible physical evidence ASAP, so I hopped over to the secret base and asked Karukk to dispose of it."

My dear assistant spent several long seconds scrutinizing me, from my shoes to the top of my head. Once she finished with that, she looked me in the eye and asked, with the utmost seriousness, "Are you sure you didn't do it to hide the rips and blood stains?"

I had to think for a long moment to figure out what she meant by that, but then I awarded her a flat glance and stressed, "I did not get into any incidents, so no, there were no blood stains to hide. I told you I would be super-careful, didn't I?"

"You did," she stated, and then after a long beat, she stood up from her desk, walked over to my side, and then began mechanically patting my shoulder with the words, "Good job. Good job."

"Um... Thanks?" I uttered in mild confusion, at which point she immediately stopped and took a step back.

"On a separate note, it's been exactly thirty-six minutes since you left."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry for making you wait, but I had to make the best of this opportunity."

Judy accepted my apology with a soft grunt and she simultaneously began to pack away the books on her desk. I watched over her for a while, but she didn't seem to want to ask the obvious question, so I decided to poke her a little.

"Soooo? Aren't you curious about what I found?"

"A little," she admitted with some reservation.

"Then why aren't you asking me about it?"

"Because you're going to tell me anyway," she stated just as she finished packing and locked her bag. Her answer felt just a tad unsatisfying, so after weighing my options, I decided to employ the dreaded disappointed puppy eyes. My girlfriend gave me a skeptical look in return, but at last she relented with a sigh. "Fine, I'll ask. What did you find?"

"Another plot device!" I declared with a grin so wide it made the corners of my mouth hurt a little.

"… Of course you did," she uttered with just a touch of resignation in her voice before she picked up her bag and added, "Tell me about it on the way home."

"Actually, I had something else in mind," I stated after I decided to hold back on elaborating. I walked over to my own desk and slung my bag over my shoulder, then as I returned to her side I told her, "Just to be safe, I think we should Phase over to the secret base. You know, just in case someone would note that we left late and draw some wildly reaching yet annoyingly accurate connection between that and some things missing from the old man's study."

"Please tell me you didn't actually steal from the Arch-mage's office…"

"Technically? No. Do you remember the door beside the old coot's liqueur cabinet?" Judy was thrown off the rails for a moment, but then she quickly nodded. In retrospect, I was the silly one to ask. Of course she'd remember; she had a terrifyingly good eidetic memory. Anyhow, I quickly continued with, "That door leads to the archives of the School, so technically it wasn't from the office. I took photos of everything that looked remotely interesting with my phone, but there was one thing that was way too important to just let it gather dust there."

I could practically see the gears turning inside my girlfriend's head, and after a short while she uttered, "You took the plot device."

It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact. What can I say? She knew me too well.

"Yep. I left it in the base too. Come on, I'll show you." I gestured for her to come closer so that we could Phase out, but she only stared at my feet. I followed her gaze, and after a few long seconds of silence I added, "Don't worry about the indoor shoes. Knowing our luck, we would totally bump into Armband Guy on our way to the lockers."

"True," she finally relented, only to then have her eyes climb up my body and settle on the top of my head instead. "Please lean forward a little. You have balaclava-hair."

"What the heck is 'balaclava-hair'?" I mumbled under my breath, but it didn't mean I wouldn't comply and let my girlfriend straighten my hairdo.

"There you go," she declared in a satisfied voice as she crossed her arms and observed her handiwork. "Now you won't embarrass me in front of the Fauns."

"I don't think they really care," I responded, just a smidgen self-consciously. That said, being the only embarrassed person in the room was against my core principles, so I used the opportunity to lean even closer and plant a quick peck on my girlfriend's forehead. I flashed a cheeky smile at her and quickly added, "Thanks, Dormouse."

"You… are welcome," Judy answered with a level voice, but the small pause and the fact that the tips of her ears were getting flushed told me that I was successful.

I let out a content little chuckle and, without any further ado, I used my free hand (plus one intangible appendage) to embrace her, and after a brief moment of transitioning through the space filled with audibly colorful tastes and the last digits of irrational numbers, the scenery changed around us without any issues. We stood within the workshop section of the main hall inside the underground base, and I could already hear the grunty-snappy-clangy sounds of the Fauns training nearby.

"[Welcome back, Sir Blackcloak.]" I was immediately greeted by Karukk practically the moment we arrived, and the fact that he also took my sudden appearance in stride was a testament to how often I've used him as my anchor point when Phasing. He was wearing the same leather apron that Brang wore during our last meeting, and he had an antique-looking knife in one hand and a normal-sized whetstone in the other, both of which looked comically tiny between his huge fingers. He hurriedly put them down onto a nearby workbench and then flashed a friendly smile at us that made Judy twitch in my arms. "[You weren't kidding when you said you'd be back soon.]"

"[Aye,]" I responded with just a smidgen of irritation as I let go of my girfriend (who then proceeded to unsubtly hide behind me), and I added, "[Unless my memory fails me, I can recall with the clarity of crystal water that I requested that you would cease addressing me by my unwanted title, let alone broaden its weight by the needless attachment of honorifics.]"

"[Ah, about that…"] The slightly-more-casual-than-average Faun awkwardly scratched the base of his neck, and after a long moment of silence he sheepishly admitted, "[Since you're the regent, it would be rude to call you without an honorific… sir.]"

I stared at him with all the skepticism I could muster, but even under my ocular assault, he seemed entirely serious, so I ended up exhaling a shallow sigh and said, "[If that is the case, since you have already vested undue authority in my person, could I request to at the very least cease referring to me as The One Cloacked In Black?]"

"[I… think that's a bad idea,]" Karukk mumbled, and then after a moment of hesitation he leaned closer and whispered, "[I wouldn't mind, but the general told us to give you all courtesies, and if I accidentally didn't call you that, he would get really mad at me.]"

"[… Is your general that harsh?]"

"[He is a little… old fashioned about these things,]" he stated as diplomatically as I have ever seen him speak.

"[Fine then,]" I gave up with a small grumble and made a show out of looking around for a moment. "[Where may I find the items which I recently recovered?]"

"[They should be right where you left them,]" Karukk answered while gesturing towards the recreational area with his head.

"[In that case, we shall head over and leave you to your task.]"

He gave us a deferential nod in response, after which he picked up the whetstone and resumed his tinkering with the dagger. With that, Judy and I walked over to the other end of the hall, and it was only when we already passed by the air hockey table that she let go of the back of my jacket.

"Are you still afraid of the Fauns?" I teased her a little, yet to my surprise, she actually nodded.

"A little," she admitted while conspicuously averting her eyes.

"But why? They aren't actually scary."

"Maybe to you, but they didn't chase you around in a dark school building at night," she countered, and for a moment I didn't know what to say.

"Well… um… touché?" Based on the tiny little twitch around her eyes, that wasn't the response she was looking for, so I cleared my throat and continued with, "That said, while I admit they look pretty fearsome, so long as you're with me and Snowy, they would probably sooner take a bullet for you than hurt you in any way."

"You think so?"

"Yep," I answered with a huge nod. "In fact, the worst thing they could ever do to you would be if, once they digest the fact that we're dating, they would start calling you something silly, like consort regent or the like."

"Really?" Judy paused for a moment, and then mused, "I'm personally more partial towards the term 'queen regent'."

"Oh, yes, I can totally see it before my eyes," I replied as I raised my hands into the air as if looking at a painted portrait in a gallery, "And here she is, Queen Regent Dormouse the First. Just rolls off the tongue."

"Says Regent Leonard S. Blackcloak Dunning the Growler," she jabbed back as she reached out and held onto my hand with two fingers. At first I was a little confused about the last part, but then I figured that she was probably trying to pinch me for teasing her too much. It only tickled a little, but as a good boyfriend, I pretended that it was effective and pulled my hand away with a perfectly natural and not at all overacted hiss.

In the meantime we reached the bar, and when we arrived, my dear assistant immediately sent me a skeptical glance.

"Didn't you say you only took your alleged 'plot device'?"

"I did."

"Then what is that stack of papers?" she asked as she gestured towards the hastily piled up documents on the bar top.

"I technically didn't 'take' those," I explained as I picked up the whole stack and began to organize them. "The archive had an old photocopy machine, and I used it to make copies of a bunch of documents while I searched the place."

"That's slightly more reasonable than expected. Consider yourself praised."

"Thanks, I think?" I responded a little uncertainly, but she didn't pay much attention to my words.

"So? What are these documents about?" Judy inquired as she tried to take a peek at the papers in my hands, so I handed them over to her.

"I don't really know, to be honest. I found the originals in a safe, so I just threw them into the feeder on the top of the machine and started hunting for other interesting things while it did its work."

"In a safe," she repeated after me as she glanced up from skimming the pages. "Please tell me you didn't accidentally find the combination on the first try."

"Nah. Not everything can be as conveniently low-security as the Celestial Hub," I answered with a small smirk as I recalled the memory, but then I lightly shook my head and followed up by saying, "Actually, I take that back; this time the security was even poorer. It wasn't even locked."

"Seriously?"

She looked just about as incredulous as I was when I grabbed hold of the safe door and it opened on its own.

"Apparently Lord Grandpa had so much faith in the room's magical defenses he became pretty sloppy with everything else. I'm not even sure there was a lock on the door leading into the archives."

"You're right. That's astronomically sloppy."

"Yep," I concurred, after which we both fell silent for a while as Judy continued to browse the pages in her hands. From the outside it might've looked like she was only skimming the pages, but I knew better.

In the meantime, I walked around her and quickly found the other thing that I 'borrowed' during my excursion. It was a tiny, outwardly inconspicuous wooden box, and it was sitting on the bar top, exactly where I left it. It was small enough to fit snugly in one hand, and it was covered in glowing blue patterns forming interlocking circles with various runic symbols in them. According to the Faun, said circles and symbols were completely invisible to the naked eye, and Karukk even thought it was a simple music box.

"Is that the 'plot device'?" Judy inquired as she glanced up from her reading, and I nodded in the affirmative.

"Yeah, this was also in the safe. Or rather, in a secret compartment within the safe, but same difference."

"Was it also left unlocked?"

"No," I answered just a bit more brightly. "It was a magical lock, so I used my Phantom Limb to check the enchantment, read the keyword, and then unlocked the compartment using it. Easy-peasy."

My dearest assistant rewarded my comment with a flat look, and after setting her bundle of photocopied documents aside she dramatically rubbed her forehead and told me, "Chief, this phantom limb of yours is too much of a cheat. If Joshua wouldn't already have the position, it would make you the obvious protagonist of this world."

"Don't even joke about that; I have enough problems as is," I chided her, and then I raised the box to eye level and explained, "This box is nothing particularly special. I could probably disable the sealing enchantments on it in a couple of minutes without forcefully breaking them. The interesting thing is what's inside it."

"Then why haven't you opened it yet?"

"Because it has a lock," I responded by pointing at the tiny keyhole on the front of the box. "It looks really cheap, so once the magical protection is removed, I think you could open it with a simple hairpin, but I obviously didn't have any with me at the time."

"Then how do you know what's…?" she started to ask, but then stopped and instead she said, "You stuck your Phantom Limb through the keyhole and poked the item inside."

"Close enough," I told her between two chuckles, and I couldn't hold myself back from rubbing her clever noggin with my free hand. "I simply slipped it through the box itself, no keyhole required. Intangibility has a lot of neat perks like that."

"I see," Judy responded in an unusually docile voice, and on a second look, she appeared to be in a comfortable daze. Maybe I should pet her more, I considered? I mean, we were both petting Snowy a lot, so I kept forgetting that Judy was also an eligible target for head pats. I decided to rectify this grievous oversight in the future, but for now, we had more important things to worry about, so after one last tousle, I unhanded her and posed a question to her.

"Anyhow, do you remember the non-prophecy of the magi?"

"The Conduit of the Grimoire of the Last Truth," Judy replied in detail even though a single yes or no would've been enough. She glanced at the box in my hand and asked, "Is that the titular Grimoire inside?"

"Nah, it's not. It’s a large pearl or jewel embedded in a hexagonal pedestal covered in jewels, but based on the enchantment and how vitally important it is, they seem to be related."

"So it's one of the Grimoire Keys," my assistant stated as if it was completely obvious.

"Um… yes. Definitely," I told her with a confident nod, but she saw through me right away.

"You have no idea what that is," she declared without even bothering to stick a ',right?' to the end of her sentence to dampen the impact a little.

"I think I've read about something like that on the Hub, but no, I'm afraid not," I admitted straight away, and she let out a disappointed sigh that hurt my pride a little, so I quickly continued with, "Come on Dormouse! You know I don't have your photographic memory! Please cut me some slack!"

She apparently did so, as she took a shallow breath and moved on, without dwelling on the issue.

"The Grimoire of the Last Truth is hidden away by the Assembly. To access it, one would need two of the three keys, which are held by the three most senior members of the organization."

"And Lord Grandpa is one of the key-keepers." I shook the box in my hand and added, "Or at least he was. This should serve as a pretty nice bargaining chip in the future."

"Maybe," Judy stated, yet I could feel a 'but' coming, and lo and behold… "But we are talking about one of the only three keys for the most important treasure of the Assembly. Stealing it like this might lead to some dire consequences."

"It's a good thing I was careful about it, then," I noted with a reassuring smile. It didn't work on her, but hey, who can fault me for trying? "Not to mention, what's done is done. I couldn't properly mark the old coot, so I can't take it back even if I wanted to." It was obvious Judy was still far from reassured, so I also added, "On a more optimistic note, I wouldn't worry too much about him discovering it's missing any time soon. According to the enchantment on it, the hidden compartment of the safe wasn't used in years."

"In that case, let's hope you're right and you didn't accidentally cause another international incident."

"Don't worry, Dormouse. I don't plan on holding onto this for long. I mean, unless Josh suddenly decides to stop setting the flags of my sister and turn his attention to the Class Rep, the Grimoire of the Last Whatchamacallit is useless to us. Once Josh catches Labcoat Guy, I plan to use this as our trump card during negotiations to pressure the old man, and after that, I'll exchange it for a favor or something. For example…" I paused for a moment to get my phone out and showed Judy a couple of the pictures I took. "Look how much data there is! And not just boring old ledgers either; I found an entire section dedicated to magic theory and experimental records! This place is an absolute treasure-trove of the kind of info we need the most!"

"Do you want to blackmail the Arch-mage into granting you entry to the archives?"

"First off, don't make it sound so immoral. Secondly, I plan on earning 'us' entry, to be precise. Having access to a lot of data about magic should help a ton when it comes to understanding what's magical and what's just run-of-the-mill trope weirdness in this world. It would also cut down on the number of experiments we'd have to run in the future. A lot. I'm also relying on you to do the organizing, as usual."

"Sounds reasonable, but I don't like how you're ditching the boring part of the job onto me again."

That ever-so-slightly sulky comment made me pause for a moment, and then I hastily told her, "I mean… we both know you're much better at this part than I am, but if you don't want to do it alone, just say the word and I'll come and help you."

"I'll do that then." After she said that, she fell silent for a brief while, but then her eyes suddenly lit up and quickly added, "However, I want compensation in advance."

"… I sooooo knew you were going to say that."

"Hush, Chief. Don't ruin the skit," she warned me, but I shook my head.

"Let's skip the skit for now. How about we take a look at the papers I photocopied instead?"

"I already did," Judy told me with the tiniest of pouts.

"Oh? And?"

My still sulky yet very dedicated girlfriend let out a small huff, but she still picked up the bundle of documents all the same, and after leafing through them, she picked out three pages and showed them to me.

"These are a contract between Lord Endymonion and a certain Friedrich Günther Wissenschaftler. He seems to be a high-ranking member of the Non-causative Science Research Society."

"Eh, that's just Labcoat Guy's real name," I revealed without much fanfare, much to my dear assistant shock and complete bafflement, which she was hiding really well behind an exasperated façade that said 'How come this is the first time I've ever heard of this?'.

"I was under the impression he was called Doctor Robatto," she noted with a mixture of her previous sulkiness and some resignation.

"That's just a fake name for the Sentai-shenanigans. Anyhow, let me take a look at this." She handed me over the pages, and just by quickly skimming them, I could tell they fit our observations to a tee. There was even a side-clause about using Armband Guy as a point of contact to relay messages during the 'operation', and the rules of when and how Josh could be ambushed were spelled out in black and white. "Look at that! Yet another piece of juicy blackma—*cough*, I mean, evidence against the old man… but why does it feel like half of it is missing?"

"Because you only copied one side of the pages," Judy told me and pointed at the numbering on the bottom of the sheets. "It goes from one to three to five."

"Ugh… You're right…" I acknowledged, once again embarrassed by her observation. "In my defense, I was in a bit of a hurry, and I didn't check the photocopier settings. Also, we have the last page with the signatures, so it should still be good enough."

"I agree."

After she said that, there was a few seconds of unusually tense silence in the air, so I forcefully cleared my throat and proposed, "Anyhow, I just checked, and Snowy is home. How about we go back and—"

"Spend some quality couple time together without doing anything risky, tedious, or something that would cause a supernatural political scandal?" Judy cut in before I could finish my sentence, and based on the look she was giving me, she was entirely serious.

"… Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to do," I agreed, just a little overwhelmed, but then I quickly perked up when I remembered something and I immediately gave my girlfriend a hug. "Not to mention, I believe I do owe you an evening watching the sappiest romantic comedy on the planet…"

And with that, we both disappeared from the secret base, and not even my dearest assistant pinching my forearm could wipe the wicked grin off my face.

PART 2

"This... actually wasn't nearly as bad as I expected," Judy spoke up the moment the credits started rolling. She snuggled a little closer to me under the blanket covering us and added, "I want a refund."

"For what?" I asked while shifting my posture a little to accommodate her. My couch was big, but it was not quite large enough for three people with their legs tucked under them.

"For false advertising," my girlfriend answered with transparently fake indignation. "I was told we would be watching the worst, sappiest romance movie ever made. This obviously wasn't it."

"I don't know. It was bad enough to make Snowy cry," I told her while pointedly rubbing the back of my sniffling, red-eyed mess of a little sister.

"Chief... Romance movies are designed to make you do that."

"Then how come I'm not crying?"

"It's because you're a boy," she answered right away, with a tone that said she was offended because I made her state the obvious.

"In that case, why aren't you crying?"

This time it took her a considerably longer time to answer, and she ultimately settled on, "It's because Judy-bot doesn't have her crying app installed yet. Beep-boop."

I unsubtly rolled my eyes, but before I could properly respond to her, we were abruptly interrupted by a certain Abyssal girl blowing her nose like a trumpet and then placing the used, crumpled up tissue paper onto the steadily growing pile at her side. I decided to use this opportunity to change the direction of the conversation, so I reached for the remote on the table, turned the DVD player off, and on the way back I picked up the empty (and really cheap) jewel case of the movie in question and turned its back to my girlfriend.

"Look! The blurb on the back literally calls this 'Titanic meets Dirty Dancing... IN SPACE!'! In all caps! And here! It says it's 'The Romeo and Juliet of space operas', right under the laughably cheap CGI mecha! I thought this would be hilariously bad; how was I supposed to know that there would be a competently written and executed romance plot hiding under all of that C-movie schlock?"

"That's not an excuse," Judy huffed, but it was obviously just her staying in character. "I expected a one or two out of ten. This was easily a seven."

"Oh please! That's an exaggeration if I've ever heard one! This was, at most, a weak five."

"You think so? How about you, Neige?"

I silently frowned at her shameless attempt to draw my sister into the fray, yet her answer surprised both of us.

"On a ten-point scale?" she asked back while wiping the corners of her eyes, and after Judy nodded, she declared, "It's a three at most."

"Really?" the question slipped through my lips before I even realized it, and my sister grunted in the affirmative.

"Yes. They had a really great screenplay, and there was a lot of chemistry between the lead actors, but then they just had to ruin it with silly giant robots and incomprehensible space battles! These characters deserved a much better movie!"

"So... You think it's a bad movie?"

"Yes," Snowy delivered the coup de grace on my assistant without even realizing it. "It's disgraceful."

I sent a triumphant smirk at Judy, which she grudgingly acknowledged, but I didn't rub it in, as I quickly thought of something amusing. I wondered; just how much would it actually cost to get the IP rights of this movie? Considering how cheap the sets, the CGI, and everything else was, I reckoned that it wasn't much. Maybe I could get Abram to pull a few strings for me. I've been thinking about what to give to my sister for Christmas, and you had to admit, 'a budget movie franchise' was a pretty novel gift idea.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Oh, but I was joking. Well, half-joking. Half-serious, at best. Anyhow, I decided this was as good of a note on which to end our chill-out session as any, so I nimbly slipped out of under the blanket and stretched my back.

I was just a bit sore after sitting in place for so long, but otherwise, I was feeling fairly okay. I still wasn't in my top form, but at the very least this confirmed that just looking at enchantments and magical formations didn't worsen my condition.

I turned the lights on and glanced at Judy over my shoulder, then I said, "The quality of the movie notwithstanding, this was surprisingly enjoyable. We should do this more often."

"Agreed," Judy concurred with a nod, then added, "But the next time, I expect a genuinely terrible movie."

"This was terrible," Snowy cut it a little angrily. "So much wasted potential..."

"Yes. And that's why we should watch a movie without any potential to begin with, so that we could make fun of it without any reservations."

"Oh, I get it now!" my sister exclaimed with a beaming smile, and my girlfriend immediately rewarded her with a head pat. How wholesome...

Unfortunately, as much as it hurt my heart to break up this idyllic scene, I already made some plans for the late evening. I still waited for Judy to finish though, and only then did I call out to her.

"It's getting late," I said and gestured towards the clock on the wall. "How about I see you home before it gets dark?"

"You could do that," she responded without any indication of getting out of under the blanket. "Or I could call home, tell mom that I'm sleeping over at a friend's place, and stay in your room again."

"Not this time, I'm afraid," I responded with a shake of my head. "I already made plans with Brang; we're going to scout the ambush site tonight. I'm also going to have to talk with the exhausting highly visible ninja and her potty-mouthed sword, so I probably won't be back until late in the night."

"I can wait."

"I repeat: late in the night. What do you want to do at that point?"

"There are lots of things a young couple could do in a bedroom after dark," my girlfriend answered as she… repeatedly blinked at me? What was that about?

"… Is there a problem?" I asked as I took a step closer to her and leaned forward for a better look. "Did you get something in your eye?"

When she heard the question, she instantly stopped blinking and, after looking me in the eye for a tick or two, she let out a defeated groan.

"No, Chief. I was fluttering my eyelashes at you."

"Ah, so that's what you were doing!" I straightened my back with a small smile, which immediately turned into a frown as I linked that with her previous sentence. "You really should practice being coy a bit more. Also, if I read your innuendo right, don't you think that would be rushing things a little?"

"I don't think so, Chief," Judy responded as she finally got up as well. "You're the one being too passive."

"I don't think I am. Not to mention, isn't this a topic we should breach when Elly is around as well?"

"We're way ahead of you," Judy stated with just a hint of smugness as she stood in front of me. "I've already discussed this with Eleanor, and she gave me the green light to go ahead and start dropping unsubtle hints about the topic of reproductive activities."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that," she repeated after me, with a small nod for emphasis.

"How?"

All of a sudden the previous hint of smugness rushed to the forefront, my assistant's lips ever so slightly curled upwards in a smirk, and then she declared, "I won the right in rock-paper-scissors."

I gave my girlfriend a flat look, and ultimately asked her, "… You know that by saying that, you just made me take you even less seriously, right?"

"You should anyway. According to my research, physical intimacy is one of the top three most important aspects of a healthy relationship."

"Yes, I'm well aware; I just don't think this is the right time to discuss this. Or place," I added and subtly gestured towards my sister, who was still tucked under the blanked at watched us with a frankly worrying amount of interest.

Judy followed my gaze, and then retorted, "Neige is an Abyssal Seducer. There's no reason to refrain from discussing this topic in front of her; she should have more knowledge of the subject than we do."

"Do you?" I leveled the question at my enraptured little sister, and she instantly blinked in surprise.

"I-I'm well versed in the… um… theoretical aspect of s-sexuality…" she stated with just a bit of stammering, earning her a curiously raised brow in the process, but before I could ask what exactly she meant by that, my attention was grabbed by my girlfriend again.

"You see, Chief? There's no reason why we cannot discuss the topic of—"

"Yes, there is, because it's embarrassing, and no, we are not going to do it, because I have places to be. Can we do it another time?"

Judy looked quite disapproving of my request, but in the end I won our staring contest and she relented with an obviously displeased huff.

"Are you leaving then?" Snowy inquired as she cocked her head to the side, and after a moment of hesitation, Judy responded with a shrug.

"I don't seem to have much of a choice in the matter."

"Then I'll clean up!" my little sister suddenly declared while looking at the empty popcorn bowls and plastic bottles on the table.

"You don't have to, I'll..." 'take care of things once I'm back' is what I wanted to say, but before I could reach the end of the sentence, Snowy already kicked off her blanket and began to tidy up the place. Judy also turned on her heel and headed to the entrance without a word, so I quickly followed after her and left my delightedly humming sister to her odd hobby.

By the time I caught up with my assistant, she already put on her outdoor shoes, so I followed suit and got dressed as well. I wasn't feeling feverish anymore, but I still put on an extra layer, just to be on the safe side. I had no idea for how long I'd be staying out this time, and the nights were getting really chilly as of late. Or rather, even chillier than before, but I digress.

We got ready to go outside without uttering a single word in the process, and I was getting ready to spend the way to her house in awkward silence, yet my expectations were quickly betrayed when Judy immediately addressed me the moment I closed the door behind us.

"We are no longer within earshot of your sister. Can we continue the previous discussion where we left off?"

"Do we really have to?" I half asked and half pleaded, but she was firm as a mountain. An especially sulky one, with a frown and... is that just a play of the light, or does she actually have dimples? That's surprisingly cute, aaaand I totally lost track of my analogy again. Bummer. It was a good one too.

Anyhow, since she didn't seem to budge, I was afraid I had no choice but to accept my fate, so I gestured for her to follow after me with only the barest hint of well-concealed trepidation.

"I don't know why you are so hell-bent about this, but fine, let's get this over with."

"I don't like your attitude," she griped, but then a moment later she followed after me and explained, "Eleanor and I are concerned with your lack of initiative. We have been alone with you on a number of occasions, yet you show no signs of trying to move our relationship forward. In a physical sense of the word."

"I don't think I'm keeping any distance," I denied her accusation as I recalled all the times we spent together as of late. "Aren't we cuddling enough as is?"

"Yes, but you avoid going any further than that."

I sent a skeptical glance her way, but she didn't seem to receive it, so I voiced the same sentiment by telling her, "Dormouse, we've only been going out for two weeks. We didn't even do any of the slurpy, mouth-sucky tongue stuff yet. Don't you think that jumping right into pillow-wrestling would be rushing things just a wee bit too much?"

"That's the problem," Judy abruptly raised her voice and pointed at my face. "Boys are supposed to be rushing these things. You're too reserved."

"Am I?" I asked, yet even I had to admit it was a rhetorical question at best. "Well, fine. Maybe I am a little reserved, but considering how much we have to deal with already, can you blame me? The last thing we need right now is a teen pregnancy subplot to complicate things."

"Contraceptives exist," Judy objected, but I overruled her with a shrug.

"Even so, I don't think it's worth the risk right now."

My girlfriend fell silent for a couple of long seconds, and I almost entertained the vain hope that I convinced her... but then she threw me a curveball right out of the left field.

"Chief? How often do you watch porn?"

I was glad I wasn't drinking anything at the moment, because otherwise this would've been a perfect example of the clichéd spit take scene.

"... Come again?"

"I asked how often do you watch porn movies. Or read porno magazines, if that's your thing."

"It's not, and I don't."

"No need to be embarrassed about it. Everybody does it, and I only want to know for scientific reasons."

"Uh-huh. In that case, why don't you tell me first?" I challenged her by throwing the ball back into her court, and while that gave her a short pause (along with turning her ears to such a bright shade of red they were visible even in the evening twilight), she still gave me an answer, much to my surprise.

"About twice a week."

"... Seriously?"

"Um," she grunted as she nodded, then after that, she added in a slightly lower voice, "If we count the times I do it without supporting material, it's closer to four times a week." At this point she paused again to gauge my reaction, and then she further explained, "I do it when I feel pent up or frustrated."

"Isn't that a lot?"

This time she shook her head and told me, "No. According to what I read online, it's well within the range of the statistical average for our age group. So? What about you?"

I had to admit, she cornered me quite magnificently. After she said all that, there was no way left for me to weasel out of the conversation, so I ultimately had to give up and just say it.

"I don't really do that."

"You do it without porn?"

"No, I mean, I don't do it, period."

My dear assistant gave me a look as if she just saw a white raven landing on a black sheep.

"Chief, I don't want to be rude, but... How should I ask this tactfully?"

She honest to goodness seemed like she was genuinely looking at me for advice, so I hastily told her, "I can't help you, because I have no idea what you're trying to say."

"In that case, I think I have no choice but to rely on the tried and tested WWJD method," she suddenly declared with a serious expression.

"WWJD?" I echoed after her, and before I knew it, my brows already set themselves into a curiously raised arch. "Are you talking about one of those wristbands?"

"Don't be silly, Chief. What would my 'What Would Judy-bot Do?' slogan do on a wristband?"

With that, my brows immediately returned to their resting deadpan position. So much for that.

"I'm about ninety-eight percent sure the 'J' is supposed to stand in for Jesus in that acronym," I told her, yet she just shook her head with unusual irreverence.

"But it doesn't, because it stands for 'Judy-bot'. Speaking of which, beep-boop, I know what to say now," she declared as she raised her hand up and did a twisting motion with her wrist. I had no idea what that was supposed to be, even after she repeated the gesture a couple more times. At last, her shoulders drooped just a tiny bit and she muttered something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, but it appears Judy-bot's finger-snapping app crashed."

"... You have an awful lot of missing or broken features, don't you?"

"It can't be helped. Judy-bot is in early access."

"How original. I've never heard that one before." I paused for a while, mainly just to let her soak in the bucket of industrial-strength sarcasm I dumped on her, but then I asked, "What were we talking about before this sidetrack again?"

"About whether or not your lack of interest is due to," at this point, she raised her fingers for an air quote and finished with, "... 'hardware failure'."

I had no idea how to react to that. In fact, I had no idea how to even interpret her words, and it took me several seconds to link all the stray parts of our conversation together and figure out what she was getting at.

"Aaah... You are alluding to ED, aren't you?" I asked with the kind of mixed enthusiasm you get when you solved a hard problem, only to wish you didn't.

"Yes, Chief," Judy responded just a tad morosely. "Thanks for wasting all my tact."

"You're welcome," I responded with a forced, upbeat grin as my next move in our emotional chess game. Or was it checkers? It was hard to keep track of what we were doing at this point…

She gave me an odd look, and then said, "If you can grin like that, I suppose you don't have it."

"I can't say I do, no," I answered with a shrug, finally dropping the happy-go-lucky act. "In fact, I'm kind of having the opposite problem as of late, and it's pretty annoying; I just don't have a strong urge to do anything about it, and then it eventually goes away."

And now she looked like the black sheep suddenly turned into an honest politician, with the raven being its campaign advisor when running for the presidency. Did I really say something weird? No, wait… even if I did, I would probably recognize it if it was that weird.

Anyhow, Judy soon jolted me out of my thoughts by asking "Are you trying to tell me you have no sex drive?"

"I wouldn't go that far, but at the very least I don't consider it a high priority in my life," I answered with the utmost sincerity, yet it only seemed to make her even more worried.

"That's troubling. I have to consult Eleanor, and we have to do something about it post-haste."

"Is it really that big of a deal?" I asked, half-jokingly, yet she gave me an honest to goodness glare in return.

"Yes, Chief. This is extremely serious."

"Errr... Okay, if you say so... Also, we arrived."

My comment made Judy freeze up for a moment and she hastily glanced around, only to visibly deflate when she noticed we were standing right in front of her house.

"Let's continue this conversation tomorrow," she proclaimed, and I could barely stop my exasperation from showing on my face. However, before I could say my goodbyes, she raised her face and even extended her hands in an obvious display of requesting a goodbye kiss.

I, of course, had no reason to decline, so I leaned forward a little and planted a peck on her lips... Or at least that was the plan, except I didn't expect that she would clamp her hands around my head. My initial surprise was then raised by a notch by the touch of her warm, wet tongue prying my lips open and entering my mouth. My first instinct was to clamp down, but I was afraid that I would bite her, so I endured the urge and let her clumsily explore the inside of my mouth at her leisure.

The kiss lasted for a good fifteen or so seconds, and once we separated, I actually felt that my face was burning a little. That said, compared to my girlfriend, who was currently gasping and red as a lobster, I think I did fairly well.

Once she caught her breath, Judy gave me an unusually awkward glance, and stated, "You have no cavities. That's good."

"Thanks for the compliment?" I responded a little uncertainly, and then added, "And you tasted like popcorn."

"I see. So, how was it? Did that get you excited?"

"Well... I would be lying if I said it didn't," I admitted just a tiny bit more sheepishly than I intended.

"Enough to make you change your mind and make you want me to stay with you for the night?"

"I... wouldn't quite go that far."

My dear assistant clicked her tongue in a mixture of frustration and disappointment, but then she looked me in the eye again and declared, "There's still hope. Also, now that we have done a tongue-kissing, you cannot use that as an excuse anymore."

"I wasn't. Also, I'm not sure that fully qualified."

"Then we just have to practice every day until we get it right," she stated with unusual intensity... which she then immediately ruined by doing that blinking thing again.

"Dormouse... I love you, I really do, so don't take this the wrong way, but you're terrible at playing coy. Please, stop."

She did just that, but only to declare, "I'll have to practice even more."

"If you really want to..." I muttered in resignation, and then I gestured towards the entrance in front of us. "Let's call it a day. You are going to catch a cold by standing around like this."

"Fine," she relented after a short while, but instead of going inside, she first held my hand, stood on her tiptoes, and planted a small peck on my cheek. "Stay safe," she told me with an earnest look as she stepped away, but she only let go of my hand when she was out of arms reach, and she even sent me a small, demure glance before she disappeared behind the door.

I didn't stand still for long; after waving her goodbye I quickly turned around and headed to the closest hidden crook in the area.

I prepared myself for Phasing away, yet as I did so, I couldn't help but touch the spot on my cheek and wonder, "Maybe I was wrong and she does have a talent for coyness?"

And with those words, and an inexplicable smile on my lips, I promptly disappeared.

PART 3

"[Ah? It is you, Blackcloak.]" The Faun ex-general immediately perked up the moment I arrived. Using his usual spear as a crutch he rose up from his crouching position with slow, deliberate motions, shedding the orange film of light covering his body in the process. Once he stood straight, he raised a fist to his chest in the customary salute and added, "[Greetings to you.]"

"[I wish a delightful evening upon you as well, general,]" I returned the courtesy with a smile, and the ram-headed muscleman in front of me let out a low, rumbling chuckle in return.

"[Aye. This night was made for hunting.]"

"[In that regard, I defer to your experience,]" I responded as I surveyed the wooded area of the city park around us. "[May this be the grounds upon which we shall lie in wait?]"

"[Aye. The Chimera shall pass by these woods in two nights' time. Is it thine wish to inspect the slaying grounds?]"

"[Such were the intentions behind my visit, yes,]" I replied. By the looks of it, Brang wanted to get going right away, so I hastily raised a palm to halt him. "[Forestall your equines, general, for before we shall attempt to scour the land in a mundane endeavor, I wish to attempt something that may yield results in a different manner.]"

"[Is that so?]" He set the butt of his spear against the soft ground with a quiet 'thunk' sound and gave me an intrigued look.

"[Aye. I wish to employ the Rites of Dominance in an effort to aid our exploration of the land.]"

"[You wish to scout the terrain whilst we test our mettle in combat?]"

"[Your assumption is within the distance of striking upon the truth. I wish to have one pair of our specters of Dominance locked in battle, thus fulfilling the spirit of the rite, while the rest of our specters shall scour the land and seek to commit its lay to memory in preparation for the day of the covert slaying of the beast.]"

Brang's ears swiveled around for a while, an act I have long since associated with confusion, but at last he raised a hand to his chin and told me, "[Such use of the Rite is, to say with soft words, highly unorthodox.]"

"[That, it may be, but is it an act that we may pursue?]"

"[I see no true obstacle in our way,]" he granted me in a contemplative tone, then after he rubbed his chin a bit more, he flashed a toothy smile and added, "[At the very least, it shall serve as a novel experience.]"

"[Undoubtedly,]" I responded with a grin of my own.

With that said, we locked eyes for a moment, and the odd, tingling sensation of Dominance quickly followed. As previously agreed, I immediately sent out an orange ghost copy of me, and Brang did the same. The two phantoms immediately entered into a familiar routine that was very reminiscent of the battle we fought the first time; he had more range and experience, I had more mobility and better reflexes, resulting in a stalemate.

That said, I don't want to brag or anything, but my own specter was doing considerably better this time around. It was probably due to us sparring like this every other day or so, but I got quite used to Brang's movements. When I had my training spear with me, I could even land a few lucky hits on the guy every once in a while. I didn't have it on me this time though, so I had my specter focus on dodging instead.

Once the familiar rhythm was established, I sent out four more transparent phantoms, and my 'opponent' followed suit with four of his own. Once they were out, I had them scout on our left, and as if by an unspoken agreement, Brang's copies did the same on our right. I waited for a couple of seconds to see if there were any complications or unintended side effects, but everything seemed to be perfectly normal, so I simply allowed the specters to continue exploring in a slowly expanding circle.

That said, while I admit that getting the map of my surroundings slowly etched into my brain was, using Brang's words, 'a novel experience' indeed, it wasn't particularly riveting after a while. As such, I decided to try and strike up a conversation with the Faun. I mean, if I had to stare at him like this for an extended time anyway, I might as well make the most of it.

"[So, general...]" I casually addressed Brang, yet to my shock, he actually blinked in surprise and nearly broke the connection. The specters wavered for a moment, but once he regained his balance, they also continued on as if nothing happened.

"[I sincerely request that you refrain from surprising me like that in the future, Blackcloak. This heart of mine is no longer young enough to bear with it.]"

"[My apologies of the most sincere kind. I only wished to converse while we await the completion of our exploration.]"

The Faun gave me an odd look, then stated, "[It is rare to find an opponent who may employ more than three spirits of the mind. To think you would possess leeway to converse even under the weight of five of them tells volumes of thine willpower.]"

"[I admit I find it unwarranted, yet I must thank you for the compliment all the same. With such things spoken, if talking under the Rite of Dominance strains you so, I'm willing to decrease the numbers of our spectral facsimiles.]"

"[Nay. I may be old, yet I shall not shame myself by backing down from a challenge, even if it's you who propose it.]"

"[Hearing so fills me with feelings of mirth.]"

Brang gave me an appreciative, if somewhat shallow, nod.

"[If so, then may I humbly ask why you addressed me?]"

"[I only wished to engage in conversation of diminutive size.]" That didn't come out right, so I lightly cleared my throat and tried again. "[I meant to convey that I wished to inquire about your wellbeing, alongside that of your men.]"

"[Thy request strikes me as odd. Have you not seen to our needs in detail? Thine stewardship provides us with food, shelter, and purpose. We can seldom ask for more.]"

"[Not even that second table of indoor sports?]" I teased him a little, and just as I expected his ears immediately turned in two different directions as he hastily told me:

"[Mayhap with the exception of that.]" We both stifled our snickers, lest they would interrupt our oh-so-heated mental battle. "[With such things told, I must confess that thine treatment of me and my kin is remarkably pleasing.]"

"[Is that so?]"

"[You have already earned the loyalty and respect of the young ones.]"

"[How about yours, general?]"

"[Well, you would be hard-pressed to earn something you already possess, wouldn't you agree?]" he responded between chuckles, and I couldn't help but smile along.

After that, we remained silent for a while, at least until Brang addressed me for a change.

"[You inquired about my wellbeing. May I do the same in turn?]"

"[Certainly, if you deem that courtesy dictates so.]"

"[Aye, albeit I admit I do wonder about thine welfare beyond the realm of courtesy.]"

"[Is that so? What makes you entertain such worries?]"

"[For the sake of explanation, I would call upon thine troubled countenance upon thine arrival.]"

"[Your eyes are sharp as ever, general, for I was troubled indeed.]"

I intended to leave it at that, yet seeing the expectant look in Brang's eyes, I ultimately decided that I might as well tell him about my problems. I didn't expect him to give me advice, but I figured that getting it off my chest couldn't hurt, and it was as good a topic as any to pass the time while we explored the area. As such, I did just that, and I gave him a footnotes version of the 'argument' I had with Judy.

He listened to my words with his full attention, and once I reached the end of my retelling, he gave me a sagely nod.

"[I must agree with thine lover's concerns.]"

"[You do?]"

"[Aye. For the family to remain strong and independent, the continuation of thine bloodline is paramount. Only by siring progeny can you ensure that thine legacy shall endure and thy descendants may one day proudly wear thine mantle.]"

"[... I wish you no offense, general, but I hope with sincerity of the most sincere variety that you are aware that I am not a Lord of the Abyss. I possess no title or mantle my children may inherit.]"

"[Hmmm. Thine words ring true. Thine title of regent is one of importance, yet one which is not subject to inheritance.]" At this point he paused as he tilted his head to the left in yet another familiar gesture. "[Yet, if that is the case, then why did thine betrothed wish for a child?]"

"[I must explain, for I believe you are laboring under a misunderstanding. Her wish of intimacy had more relation to the endeepening of our interpersonal associations rather than procreation.]"

"[Truly? I must confess, I am not well versed in the intricacies of such matrimonial relations, for my kin engages in no such thing.]"

That actually reminded me of something I wanted to as for a while already, and given the opportunity Brang just presented, it would have been awfully sloppy of me not to strike the proverbial iron while it was hot.

"[Do forgive my curiosity, but this question has plagued my mind for days: do your kin possess females?]"

My Faun companion once again found my question perplexing, at least based on his ear-movement, but he soon answered all the same, with a head-shake slow enough to keep our eye contact uninterrupted.

"[Nay, Blackcloak. My kin does not possess thine kin's dimorphism.]"

I decided to put aside the question of how the Faun language was complex enough to use terms like 'dimorphism', yet it was so rigid it made me jump through hoops when trying to describe Snowy's and Crowey's nicknames, and instead I focused on the actual content of this answer.

"[If that is so, then from whence do your neophytes spring forth?]"

...

Okay, that's it. I wanted to ignore it, but I can't.

First off, I only wanted to ask, 'Where do baby Fauns come from?'. How did such an innocent question turn into that!? And what even is a 'neophyte' anyway!?

In the meantime, Brang was completely unaware of my linguistics-induced existential crisis. He considered my question very seriously, and at last he told me, "[My kin is borne from the Emperor's Well.]"

"[Please do elaborate,]" I prompted him, and he obliged without any objections.

"[My kin was conceived by the power of the Emperor. The first Fauns were all fully grown by the time they first opened their eyes to the world. We do not sire or bear little ones.]"

"[If so, then by what method do you procreate?]" I asked, followed by a relieved sigh; this time I managed to use the right terms.

Brang fell silent for a while, and while I couldn't perfectly read his expressions yet, because of the surface emotions exchanged between us during Dominance, I could feel that he was a little conflicted.

"[Upon our demise in our duty, all of the Faun Abyssal are entitled to our final rites. The fallen is taken to the Well of the Emperor, and from the bodies of the dead, a new scion is born, carrying the will of their predecessor.]"

"[Just so?]"

"[Just so.]"

"[... The lights you shed upon my question revealed just as many things unknown to me as they made known. May I request that you enlighten me even further?]" He immediately nodded, so I continued without any further ado. "[You mentioned the Wellspring of the Emperor a number of times. Could you elaborate on its details? Is it one of the famed Wellsprings of Primordial Magicka of the Abyss?]"

"[Thine supposition is correct.]"

"[If so, then which clan of the Abyss does it belong to?]"

"[None. The Well of the Emperor is neutral ground, guarded by the Faun Undivided. It awaits the return of the one true Emperor, for only he may bind the Well to his will.]"

I guessed as much by the name, but I still flashed an appreciative smile at the helpful Faun.

"[I welcome your explanation. I have one more doubt, and I hope you could assuage its incessant itch: if your neophytes are reborn from the flesh of the fallen, then how do you increase your numbers?]"

"[Thine question is astute. In words as straight as a well-made sword: the more venerable the fallen, the greater the number of the scions who emerge from the Well after their final rites.]"

"[I believe I understand,]" I told him and fell silent as I contemplated on what I just learned.

In short, Fauns were mono-sex, they had no childhood, and when they died, their bodies were recomposed into one or more new Fauns, each one inheriting bits and pieces of the original's memories and/or personality. I reckoned the last part was so that they could cut back on basic training and make them combat-ready ASAP, but even without that deduction, it was easy to tell that they were a species artificially created and bred for battle. That wasn't surprising at all.

The thing that actually baffled me a little was that, while they were obviously made and conditioned to be murder machines, they weren't single-minded murder machines. They had their quirks, their odd artistic talents, and Brang was a straight-up virtuoso of the air hockey table. Now, I could chalk a lot of this up to the good-old placeholder development hypothesis, but there still had to be a grain of potential in them to develop in such directions. I wondered; was I mistaken about the Faun being simple mooks? Did they have some sort of more nuanced narrative reason behind their existence? Or was it just my inadvertent meddling causing bigger waves than I ever imagined?

All of those were questions for later though, as my attention was drawn back to Brang upon him letting out a wistful sigh, followed by a tingle of forlorn emotions being transmitted to me through Dominance.

"[Generals in service of the houses all receive grand processions upon their fall. I also wished to be laid to rest in such fashion, yet I'm afraid the chances of such an occurrence are all but vanishing. It is truly a—]"

"[Halt, general!]" I interrupted him with a tinge of panic in my voice. "[I implore, nay, I order thee to cease elevating your banner of demise!"]

The old Faun looked me funny for a moment, and then asked, "[Pardon my ignorance, Blackcloak, but I have yet to learn about this… 'banner of demise' you speak of.]"

It took all my willpower to keep myself from facepalming in frustration. I already had a terrible time when it came to expressing simple idioms in Faunish; just how was I supposed to explain tropes like 'death flags' to him? Nevertheless, I had to give it a try, if only so that he would stop looking so comically confused.

"[A banner of demise is...]" I began, only to stop as I ran a couple of permutations of the explanation under my breath before settling on, "[It is a choice of words which make the shedding of your earthly coil more likely.]"

"[Is that so?]" Brang mused, and it was easy to tell he wasn't completely convinced. Whether that was because of the strangeness of the concept, or because my explanation was inadequate. Either way, I felt obliged to press on.

"[It is so, and so I request that you watch your words. I would be truly troubled if the funeral procession you described ever came to pass.]"

Brang blinked at me in surprise, followed by a strangely jovial chuckle.

"[If you request so, I have little choice but to obey and avoid these 'banners' you speak of in the future.]"

I couldn't help but involuntarily narrow my eyes in response to his words, and even though he sounded completely serious, I couldn't help but feel that he was taking the piss out of me. That said, a promise was a promise, and I was just about to drop the issue when I was jolted by something one of my specters saw.

"[Trouble approaches! General, prepare to disengage!]"

I barely even finished my line by the time Brang cut the Rite of Dominance short and he readied his spear.

"[Is it the Chimera?]"

"[Nay, something much worse!]" No sooner I said that, I confirmed Rinne dashing towards us through the wooded area on our left, her slasher-grin all but glowing in the dark. I could've sworn that when I checked her location before I Phased over, she was nowhere near the park, but that was the least of my problems at the moment. "[We shall continue this conversation at a later date! For now, I shall distract her, and you must use the opportunity to hide your presence!]"

"[Understood!]" Brang responded with the kind of gusto you would expect from a military man… ram… person. Let's go with guy.

With that sorted I quickly dashed to the left, allowing my Faun companion to do the same in the other direction, and I called out to the annoying huntress in the only way I could be sure I would get her full attention.

"Rinne! Look out!"

Now, let me make one thing clear: I expected her to look my way, and maybe even bark back at me about calling her by her name again, giving Brang a few precious seconds to activate his invisibility Sigil and slip away. What I didn't expect was that she would twitch, veer to the side, and then run head-first into a tree with such a painfully loud 'thunk' that it made me involuntarily shudder. So… would this make her a creepy, annoying, highly visible, and clumsy ninja? That's a lot of adjectives…

I really, really wished I could just leave and pretend I didn't see anything, but my inner good Samaritan vetoed my every attempt to just turn around and flee the scene of the crime, so I resigned myself to my fate and walked over to the young woman cradling her head on the ground.

"Hey, Mountain Girl? Are you all right?"

She froze when she heard my voice again, and she immediately jumped to her (somewhat wobbly) feet.

"Yes, we're the perfect image of fineness!" she declared in a loud voice, but a single look at her teary eyes and the large, red lump on her forehead was enough to tell that she wasn't. "We were hit by a surprise attack, but it would take more than that to deter us from our eternal quest for the eradication of—"

"Yes, yes, you are very edgy as usual," I cut in with a not at all subtle roll of my eyes. "I guess that means you're all right."

My unwanted conversational partner honest to goodness puffed out her cheeks in indignation, but before I could tell her that no matter how much she did so, it was waaaaay too late for her to try to reinvent herself as a cutesy moe archetype, her eyes abruptly opened wide and she glanced around in a hurry.

"Where is the foul creature of the underworld!?"

"I think he ran away in the commotion," I told her while taking a half-step to the right, so that I would partially block her line of sight of the already cloaked Brang. As far as I knew, she couldn't see through Snowy's invisibility Sigil, but it never hurt to be careful. I decided to keep her occupied for a little longer, so I asked her, "What are you doing here anyway? I thought we agreed that we'd meet near the docks today."

"Yes, we did," she told me while wiping the corners of her eyes with the lapels of her suit. "We were heading there under the deep, ever-permeating darkness of the night when we recognized the unmistakable stench of the despicable creatures of the Abyss."

"So… you're telling me you followed your nose here?"

"Yes, we did," she declared rather proudly, completely ignoring the incredulity in my voice. "Here, we saw you engaging the horrid monstrosity, and we rushed forth to share in the bounty of the bloody carnage that was sure to follow!" After saying that, she touched her forehead and let out a small, pained hiss. "Yet, before we could paint the ground in the garnet of flowing life, we were struck by a cowardly attack by some unseen assailant!"

"No, you hit a tree," I told her on no uncertain terms.

"Nonsense," she rebuked me with one of her mincing looks that seemed to ask whether I was blind or just stupid. "We are Onikiri no Tsukaima Rinne!"

"That doesn't change the fact that you hit a tree," I repeated, this time with added exasperation.

"That's not how Rinne remembers it!" she declared with an actual pout on her lips. It only lasted for a moment though, as her face slackened and, a few seconds later she gave me an apprehensive squint. "Onikiri says that you're a suspicious person. She said that you must be working with the creature of the underworld, and called out to me to allow them to escape! Were you?"

That was surprising. It looks like her sword was pretty sharp after all.

…

That was a terrible pun. I feel ashamed, and I apologize.

Anyhow, I shrugged my shoulders and told her, "No, I just wanted to warn you."

"In that case, it's fine," she declared with so much conviction I felt like I was hit by conversational whip-lash. She didn't seem to care (or notice), as she pressed on by telling me, "Let us embark on our journey to find and massacre the creatures of the underworld! The night is young, and carnage awaits us!"

"Yes, yes. Let's go," I spoke in resignation, following which my creepy… well, no, actually. Calling her creepy at this point was kind of inaccurate. Lately having her around started to feel more like I was looking after a chuunibyou cousin over spring break… except that cousin was actually older than me. She wasn't really creepy anymore, just kind of cringy and annoying.

Putting that tangent aside, I sent a covert nod to the still cloaked Brang observing us from afar, and I followed after Mountain Girl who, for some reason, began to prattle about the number of cats she found in the neighborhood. Oh well, at least it was no longer about bloodbaths and overly flowery monologues about hunting.

…

Oh, how far my bar for acceptable topics has fallen…