The calm in the office cubicle farm was almost unsettling. It had been a week of relative normalcy, as Jim and X017 had predicted. The quiet predictability of daily tasks lulled the staff into a rare sense of routine.
Then, at precisely 11 a.m., the new HR Overlord Slot made itself known with its high-pitched screech, shattering the illusion. The next bafflingly efficient message was delivered:
“ATTENTION ALL STAFF:
To maintain a focused and distraction-free work environment, footwear with noisy soles, such as hard heels, squeaky sneakers, and clunky boots, is now prohibited.
All employees are required to transition to silent footwear by the end of the week. Compliance checks will begin Monday morning.
Thank you for your cooperation.
—Multi-Matrix Human Resource Management.”**
“I knew those clicky heels were a problem! This is such a great idea,” Karen said, beaming with enthusiasm. She immediately began rattling off silent footwear recommendations to her coworkers, who were visibly less enthused.
“Wait, I can’t wear my lucky squeaky sneakers anymore?” Worker 42 asked, staring at the floor in dismay. “What am I supposed to do now?
“Oh sure, because the sound of my boots is definitely why we’re behind on deadlines,” Douglas grumbled, folding his arms. “What’s next? Noise-canceling headphones for typing?”
Jim breezed by him, hands in his pockets, looking particularly smug in his crisp button-down shirt, ironed trousers, and freshly laced black-and-white Converse. “At last, Douglas, time to pack away your platform disco boots,” he quipped.
For once, Douglas had no comeback. He slinked away, muttering something unintelligible under his breath, though Jim was sure he caught the words “footwear dictatorship.”
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Worker 42 leaned toward Karen. “This is how it starts. First, they take the squeaks. Then, they take the soles. Mark my words.”
Karen rolled her eyes. “Honestly, you’re being dramatic.”, Karen commenting on her way back to her desk.
Worker 42 trailed behind her, shaking her head and clutching her tablet. “Today it’s shoes. Tomorrow it’s mandatory foot scans. They’ve got the technology, Karen. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Jim turned to X017, who had been silently observing. “What about you, X? Gonna start wearing bunny slippers to comply?” he asked, sipping casually at his coffee and holding another Snickers bar—the unofficial snack of justice.
“It would be prudent to demonstrate adherence,” X017 said loudly enough for others to hear. “I shall secure appropriate footwear.”
The fallout from the Silent Soles Directive began the very next morning. Karen arrived at the office, proudly sporting her footwear compliance solution: ancient but somehow pristine, neon green Crocs.
Speaking of fallout, Jim nearly choked on his coffee when he saw the crocs. “Karen. Are those… Crocs?”
Karen beamed. “Yes! They belonged to my great-grandmother. She wore them for gardening, not like people did back in the day, when they were the laziest fashion statement ever. They’re still in perfect condition. I knew they’d come in handy one day!”
Douglas stared at her feet, horrified. “Your great-grandmother wore those? Are they haunted?!”
Karen frowned. “Don’t be ridiculous, Douglas. They’re silent, ergonomic, and indestructible. They’re the perfect office shoe.”
Karen, those things are glowing. Do you have a permit for footwear that bright?”, Douglas questioned with growing concern and slowing backing away.
“I swear, if HR bans Crocs next, I’m quitting!” Karen declared, storming off in the quietest yet loudest shoes humanity ever conceived.
Jim leaned over to X017. “I think we’ve officially gone too far.”
X017 tilted his head. “The resilience of human artifacts is notable. Shall I acquire similar footwear?”
Jim grinned. “Absolutely. Get a pair of soft soled shoes that’ll really mess with her.” He leaned in closer, whispering conspiratorially. “In fact, X, if you’re up for it, try wearing a different type of footwear every day until the next directive.”
X017’s optical lights flickered, and Jim could have sworn they brightened slightly. “Affirmative,” X017 responded with a tone so measured it was almost smug. “I shall lead by example… and enhance observational engagement.”