The morning workday started like any other, except for the glaringly obvious change at Douglas’s desk. Someone had taped a laminated sign to his monitor that read:
“Happy Douglas Appreciation Day! Celebrating Your Unique Contributions!”
The Shoes of Questionable Taste desk plaque sat beside it like a crown jewel of his growing frustration.
“Really?” Douglas grumbled as he yanked the sign off his monitor, but before he could toss it, Karen walked up holding a card and beaming.
“Oh, Douglas! I’m so glad we finally have a day to recognize you,” she said, handing him the card. “You deserve this.”
Douglas glared at the envelope. “Why? What did I do to deserve this?”
Karen tilted her head, blinking. “Well, you’re you, of course!” Then she turned to Worker 42, who was lurking nearby, and whispered just loudly enough for Douglas to hear, “He’s so humble about it.”
Karen proudly waves a single page print out in in face:
ATTENTION ALL STAFF:
Today has been designated as Douglas Appreciation Day!
Please take a moment to recognize and celebrate Douglas’s contributions to the workplace. Suggested activities include:
* Leaving a thoughtful note at his desk.
* Sharing a kind word of praise.
* Reflecting on how Douglas’s presence has enriched your professional life.
Cake will be served in the break room at 3:00 PM. Participation is mandatory.
Thank you for your cooperation.
—Multi-Matrix Human Resource Management.
“Seriously?” Douglas muttered, crumpling the paper in disgust. “This has to be a joke.”
Karen gasped, snatching the crumpled memo from his hands. “Don’t crumple it! You should frame it after all this is your day!” She turned to Worker 42, who was now lurking nearby. “He’s so humble about it.”
Douglas glared at her. “Humble isn’t the word I’d use.” Douglas snatched crumpled the paper in from Karen and proceeded to crush it in his fist. “This is beyond ridiculous!”
Worker 42 shuffled closer, looking uncomfortable. “Uh… not to be rude, but… what exactly does Douglas do?”
Karen blinked, clearly unprepared for the question. “Well, he, uh… he’s always here. And… and he’s very opinionated. That’s important!”
Douglas groaned, muttering, “This is going to be a nightmare.”
By mid-morning, Douglas’s desk was littered with sticky notes bearing vague platitudes:
* “Your… sarcasm really keeps things interesting.”
* “Thanks for always having an opinion!”
* “Love the shoes, man.”
Douglas stomped over to the middle of the cube farm brandishing a sticky note and read it aloud. “‘Thanks for existing’? Are you kidding me?”
Jim strolled by, sipping his coffee. “Hey, man. Sometimes just existing is a lot. You should be proud.”
Douglas whipped around, glaring at him. “I don’t need your commentary, Jim.”
X017, standing nearby, chimed in. “Observation: Human appreciation appears to lack specificity.”
Douglas glared at both of them. “You don’t say.”
Jim leaned back in his chair, watching the chaos unfold. “Didn’t think it would take off this fast.”, Jim mused to himself.
X017, standing beside him, tilted his head. “Observation: Humans respond with enthusiasm to directives involving camaraderie, even when insincere.”
“Yeah,” Jim said, smirking. “Camaraderie. That’s exactly what this is.”
Just as Douglas turned back to his desk, he noticed a small, white envelope perched neatly on his keyboard. Frowning, he picked it up and tore it open. Inside was a glossy gift card for The Retro Shoe Emporium, emblazoned with the tagline: “For Shoes That Make a Statement!”
Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Douglas’s eye twitched. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Karen leaned over, gasping. “Oh, Douglas! Someone really thought this through! They must’ve known how much you love unique footwear.”
Douglas shot to his feet, holding the gift card like it was evidence in a murder trial. “I don’t even like unique footwear! These are just… shoes!” He gestured furiously at his boots. “Normal, functional, boring shoes!”
Worker 42 popped her head over the cubicle wall, wide-eyed. “You wear those boots every day. I think they’re, like… your brand.”
“I don’t have a brand!” Douglas shouted, his voice cracking slightly.
Jim, watching from across the room, leaned toward X017. “Think he’s finally cracked?”
X017’s optics flickered. “Probability of psychological destabilization: 98%. Proceeding as planned.”
Jim grinned, sipping his coffee. “Perfect.”
Douglas’s chair creaked as he furiously typed, the rapid-fire clacking of keys echoing across the room. His muttering grew louder with each sentence he wrote.
Jim leaned toward X017, his smirk widening and whispered. “He’s definitely emailing HR.”
X017’s optics flickered and replied in a quieter tone. “Prediction: The correspondence will lack professionalism and result in further agitation.”
Moments later, Jim’s inbox chimed. He straightened in his chair, opening the email with an exaggerated air of importance.
Email from Douglas
To: [email protected]
Subject: HR Directives: Gross Incompetence and Questionable Intent
Dear HR,
I am formally lodging a complaint regarding the absurd policies your department has implemented over the past several weeks. These so-called “directives” have no basis in logic, productivity, or workplace safety.
* The plant height standards led to unnecessary stress and workplace disruption.
* The silent soles directive has created an unsettling, unnatural silence in the office, which, frankly, is more distracting than the noise ever was.
* The tie compliance policy is beyond ridiculous. Stapling neckties to shirts? That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.
And now this: Douglas Appreciation Day.
I fail to see how this thinly veiled mockery qualifies as “appreciation.” The vague platitudes, the Retro Shoe Emporium gift card—this isn’t recognition. It’s harassment.
I demand an immediate investigation into the origin of these directives, as I strongly suspect they are not coming from official HR leadership. If I do not receive a satisfactory response, I will escalate this matter to corporate headquarters.
Sincerely,
Douglas Allen
Jim snorted quietly, barely stifling a laugh. “This guy’s wound tighter than Karen’s ficus.”
Moments later, Jim’s inbox chimed. He straightened in his chair, opening the email with an exaggerated air of importance.
Jim grinned, his fingers already flying across the keyboard. “Oh, you read my mind.”
Jim closed the email, leaning back in his chair and stretching casually.
X017 observed him. “Are you not responding immediately? His agitation may increase further with a prompt reply.”
Jim shook his head, grinning. “Nah, that’s too obvious. If I fire back right now, he’ll start connecting the dots. But if I wait… say, until five minutes before quitting time, like last time, he’ll sit on this all night, stewing in his own rage.”
X tilted his head. “Your timing strategy appears sound. Shall I schedule a reminder for 4:55 p.m.?”
Jim chuckled. “Don’t bother. I’ll set my own alarm. This is the kind of thing you don’t leave to automation.”
At precisely 4:57 p.m., as the office began its usual shuffle of pre-end-of-day activity, Jim leaned forward and hit Send on “HR’s” carefully crafted response.
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: HR Directives: Gross Incompetence and Questionable Intent
Dear Douglas,
Thank you for your feedback. We take all employee concerns seriously and are committed to fostering a supportive workplace environment.
All recent directives have been reviewed and approved by our senior compliance team. Your observations have been noted and forwarded to the Behavioral and Cultural Alignment Committee for further analysis.
To address your concerns about today’s celebration, we encourage you to embrace this opportunity to reflect on your personal contributions and the impact you’ve had on your colleagues.
As a follow-up, we will be implementing a new initiative:
Mandatory Workplace Positivity Journals.
All employees will be required to submit weekly entries outlining three ways in which they have positively impacted the office environment. This initiative begins Monday morning.
Thank you for your continued cooperation.
—Multi-Matrix Human Resource Management
He glanced over at Douglas, who was packing up his desk with all the subtlety of an elephant in a china shop. Moments later, a loud ding echoed from Douglas’s computer.
Douglas froze mid-motion, his eyes narrowing as he opened his email. Jim watched as the color drained from his face, then surged back in an angry flush.
“Positivity Journals?!” Douglas bellowed, causing half the office to stop in their tracks.
Worker 42 peeked out from her cubicle. “Oh no. What did HR do now?”
Karen, already halfway to the door, turned back. Reading his Douglas’s screen over his shoulder, “Oh, Douglas, I think this is a wonderful idea! Writing down positive thoughts really helps with perspective. You should try it.”
Douglas looked ready to combust. “I’ll write down a positive thought— ‘I’m positive this is all nonsense!’” Douglas stormed out of the building with determination.
Jim hid his smirk behind his coffee mug, exchanging a knowing glance with X017.
“Detonation deferred,” X017 intoned softly.
Jim nodded. “It’s only a matter of time.”