It was almost impressive how Jim managed to restrain himself for a full two days after the microwave incident before drafting the mandatory meeting on food safety. Almost.
At the appointed hour of 11:00 a.m. two days later…
ATTENTION ALL STAFF:
Due to recent incidents involving improper food preparation and its impact on workplace morale, HR is pleased to announce the launch of the Mandatory Food Safety and Microwave Etiquette Workshop.
This workshop will cover critical topics, including but not limited to:
* Proper use of shared kitchen appliances.
* Identification of high-risk foods and their impact on olfactory workplace environments.
* A step-by-step guide on how to avoid creating "biohazards" in the break room.
Attendance is mandatory for all employees. Non-attendance will result in a follow-up session with the Behavioral and Cultural Alignment Committee.
Thank you for your cooperation in fostering a safer, fresher-smelling workplace.
—Multi-Matrix Human Resource Management
Workshop Details
Date: Friday
Time: 1:15 AM (to allow for maximum shrimp detoxification time)
Location: Conference Room B (nearest to the industrial air purifiers).
Sincerely,
Multi-Matrix Human Resource Management
***
The office gathered reluctantly in Conference Room B, shuffling in with the muted steps of sensible-soled shoes.
Jim stood at the front, practically vibrating with barely contained glee. X017 stood to his right, a silent yet imposing figure. Behind them, the PowerPoint title glowed on the wall:
"Seafood, Sushi, and Safety: A Guide to Not Destroying Office Morale."
“Good morning, happy coworkers!” Jim began, his tone brimming with irrational enthusiasm. “I’ve been asked to present this workshop for your benefit.”
Karen perched at the edge of her chair, notebook open and pen poised as though preparing for an exam. Worker 42 sat nervously in the back, fiddling with a stress ball. Douglas, arms crossed and slouched low in his chair, glared at Jim with growing suspicion, clearly certain this presentation was less than official.
“Before we dive in,” Jim continued, clicking to the first slide, “let’s briefly review the historical context that brought us here today.”
The slide title read:
"What’s That Smell? A Brief History of Workplace Revolts Caused by Seafood."
The screen featured a timeline adorned with stock photos and absurd captions:
* 1997: “The Great Tuna Melt Incident.”
* 2013: “Sardine Scandal at Corporate HQ.”
* Today: “Tim’s Tragic Shrimp Sacrifice.”
Jim gestured broadly at the screen. “As you can see, seafood-related chaos is not a new problem. These incidents have been meticulously documented for the betterment of workplace harmony.”
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Karen nodded seriously, jotting something in her notebook. Worker 42 frowned, looking like they might cry.
Douglas groaned audibly. “Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.”
Jim’s grin widened. “Is it, Douglas? Or are you ridiculous not to take this seriously?”
He clicked to the next slide:
"What Does Burnt Shrimp Say About You? A Psychological Analysis."
Douglas threw his hands up in frustration. “You’re insane! I am not staying for this!”
Jim leaned casually on the podium but with false seriousness. “You’re free to go, Douglas. But if your name doesn’t appear on the attendance report… well, that’s your burnt shrimp to bear.”
Karen gasped softly at Jim’s statement. Worker 42’s grip on the stress ball tightened, making a note to ensure her name is on the attendance report.
“Now,” Jim said, practically beaming, “let’s begin the presentation.”
“Seafood, Sushi, and Safety: Ensuring a Pleasant Break Room Environment”
* Subtitle: “Because Apparently, Common Sense is Not That Common”
Slide 1: The Problem
* “What Happened?”
* Bullet points:
* “Improper microwave usage.”
* “Offensive odors causing workplace distress.”
* “A fire hazard that smells like the ocean’s vengeance.”
* Image: Stock photo of burnt shrimp with a red X over it.
Slide 2: The Consequences
* “Why Does This Matter?”
* “Office morale is directly impacted by olfactory assault.”
* “Microwave misuse may lead to costly repairs and lost productivity.”
* “Repeated incidents force us to create this workshop instead of approving raises.”
* Image: A chart titled “Seafood Odor vs. Happiness Levels” with a plummeting line.
Slide 3: The Solution
* “The Three S’s of Microwave Usage”
* Sensible Choices: Avoid strong-smelling foods like seafood.
* Short Cook Times: Microwaves are not crematoriums.
* Self-Responsibility: Clean up your own mess.
* Image: A smug-looking shrimp holding a “No Seafood” sign.
Slide 4: Interactive Exercise
* Title: “What’s That Smell?”
* “Can you identify the difference between a pleasant aroma and an office-wide crisis?”
* Scratch-and-sniff cards are not included due to budget cuts.
----------------------------------------
Slide 5: Waivers and Compliance
* “To Acknowledge Understanding:”
* All employees must sign a waiver promising:
* Not to microwave seafood.
* To report offenders immediately.
* To never attempt to ‘experiment’ with sushi and hot soup without coverings in the microwave.
* QR code linking to the Seafood Compliance Quiz.
----------------------------------------
Slide 6: Closing Notes
* Title: “Final Thoughts”
* “Thank you for your time. Remember: Together, we can create an odor-free, happier workplace.”
* Tiny, barely legible text at the bottom: “Non-compliance will result in the Advanced Break Room Etiquette Series.”
* Image: X017 pointing at a microwave with the text “We’re Watching.”
“This was so informative!”, Karen gushed enthusiastically, “Ooh, I hope there’s a workbook!”, Compliance Queen Karen bounced out of the conference room.
“This workshop is dangerous—to my sanity.” Douglas muttered.
“What’s the Advanced Break Room Etiquette Series? Is that a threat? Are there levels?!”, Worker 42 turned to look at Douglas with wide eyes.
“Advanced? Not unless there’s a Ph.D. in Microwave Usage.”, Douglas quipped then quickly left.
As his co-workers file out, Jim grins and leans over towards X017, “X, buddy, I think we’ve peaked!”
“Observation: There is always room for further escalation.”, X reassured.
Two days later the following sign has been affixed above the microwave:
“HR Compliance Directive: Reheating seafood has been identified as a biohazard for communal food preparation areas. Violators will attend mandatory communal food preparation and safety training and education.”