I paused the video and took an exhaustive breath as I leaned back in my chair. "Fuck me..." I muttered with closed eyes and wondered what to do next with the remaining time in the day. It's been roughly two hours of me just sitting here watching random documentaries online, and nothing else has progressed. I had canceled my D&D session that night when a player crucial to the plot I had planned for had bailed due to some medical issues, for which honestly, I couldn't blame them. Even though I knew it was better for them to sleep than to try to make it through one of my sessions groggy, I could not help but feel a little down about it as I had been looking forward to the game.
Normally, such a thing wouldn't seem like a big deal, though such a game is the only way to break up the monotonous routine I spend every day of my waking life. I wake up, take two steps to my computer, work, play games, eat, sleep, wake up, take two steps to my computer, work, play games, eat, sleep, and so on. A cycle that had been on repeat for six years straight, with only the tabletop game and my online buddies being the bumps to interrupt it. It was like I was stuck in Groundhog Day.
Opening my eyes, I glanced at the time and saw that it was already two in the morning. I had to be up for work in seven hours. "I should probably go lay down," I muttered to myself as my head turned to look at my bed directly behind my computer. I stared at it for a few moments, contemplating. The thought of waking up the next morning and shuffling to this exact computer was not appealing.
Ever since the pandemic a couple of years ago, I have been working from home. At first, the thought of working for tech support from the comfort of my chair at home was appealing. At first, it was, however, the mental toll of my bedroom also being my office wasn’t great. To make matters worse, the trailer I lived in I also shared with my brother Mattew and his family meant I didn’t have much room for spacing out my life.
"I could just call off..." I muttered to myself, "Stay up and do some more prep. Maybe write." I glanced at my clock and watched as the time ticked over to ten minutes after two. Already, that much time had passed as I sat there wondering what to do.
"Fuck it," I said with a grunt and turned back to my PC. "If I'm going to do that, I might as well go buy some energy drinks." I pushed my chair back and stood up with a sigh. I stretched my arms out, arched my back slightly, and grunted when it popped pleasantly.
I swapped out my comfortable Star Wars-themed pajamas for a pair of used jeans I had picked off the floor and slid my feet into my sneakers. I then tossed my also worn, black zip-up hoodie over my green shirt and shuffled out of my room just before stopping off at the bathroom to relieve myself and wash my hands. To wake myself up more, I splashed some water on my face, looked up at the mirror, and blinked.
"God, you look like shit." I muttered out loud as my crusty blue eyes flicked over my short, wavy blonde hair and thick beard. I glanced at my razor and trimmers and contemplated doing a quick shave and once over with my brush, but... decided against it. "I'll do it when I get back," I lied to myself out loud.
With my hands firmly stuck in my pockets, I began to shuffle out of the house after grabbing my car keys. With the door firmly shut and locked behind me, I walked down to my car and made my way to the Seven-Eleven just down the street. I could've walked there, but I didn't feel like spending the ten or so minutes doing so. Though it was only early summer, Midwest America can get pretty chilly sometimes.
The drive alone only took about two minutes. The gas station is positioned just off the intersection of two highways. Even at this time of night, the place received a steady stream of business. Even now, I could see four other vehicles parked and a white truck getting gas pumped into it. I pulled up alongside the building and slid my car into an open parking spot before shutting it off and getting out. Without much of a care for the world, I popped my wireless earbuds in and began to listen to the one pointless documentary about the history of Monopoly as I walked into the store.
Immediately I was hit with the smell of cheap fried food and alcohol, and I could see a small line in front of the cash register. A tall, pale-skinned man in a white hoodie and baggy gray sweatpants with enough piercings to buy a cheap house seemed to be arguing with the clerk about something. The man was jutting his finger out towards the truck I saw getting gas, though I paid little attention to it as I walked to the back of the store.
Cotton Candy, Rainbow Unicorn, or Star Blast—who the fuck comes up with these flavor names? I thought to myself as I opened the freezer and knelt. I swear half of these flavor names had to have been just a handful of marketing dudes sitting around in some conference room ripping some hard joints and just blurting out the first thing that came to their minds. Or at least that’s the thought that came to my mind. Like Radical Skadattle… Who the hell comes up with this? That’s an actual flavor name by the way, and nothing about it describes what you’re buying. Anyways, as ridiculous as some of the names are I had bought these flavors before, cotton candy being the most plain. Star Blast being a pretty baller and Rainbow Unicorn... that one just left me conflicted, and Radical Skadattle. I’ll be honest I’m a bit too scared to try that one. I guess you could say it’s making me skedaddle away! Ha!
Glancing at a small tag I saw it is a buy two, get one free deal. I'll probably just take one of each, then, for the sake of variety. I reached for the cans.
That's when I heard it. Over the sound of my Monopoly documentary, I heard one of the women in line shriek and the two men up front shout. I straightened up and turned to see everyone behind the line either moving towards me or bolting towards the door. The clerk had his hands up in the air as the man in the white hoody pointed what was a firearm at him. Immediately, I felt my stomach drop, and my eyes darted toward the exit, where a young couple darted out the door. Being at the back of the store, I could easily go around the edge, follow them, and skedaddle just like the can suggested. Before I made my move, I took one more glance back at the terrified clerk. He was slowly inching towards the door behind the counter while staring at the weapon being thrust towards his chest.
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
I muted my video and immediately knew this wasn't going to end well.
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" The clerk raised his voice but was overpowered by the attacker.
"I dun give a fuuuck!" The gangbanger slurred. "I'm tired of your dead mother fuckers rippin' me off! All you fuckers are the same!"
"Lo-look, man, I'm sorry! Whatever happened, it's cool." The clerk slowly stepped back. "If you want money, I'll open the register."
"I don't want your fucking money! I want you de--" I had no idea why I chose to do what I did. I'm not a hero or particularly brave. Stupid, maybe. Most likely. Yet before I could officially decide my escape plan, my body moved on its own. Taking a few swift steps forward, I arched my back and arm behind me and began to wind up a perfect throw before pelting the gun-wielding maniac in the back of the head with the can of Star Blast.
"Gyaak!!" The Jeweled Criminal choked as he stumbled forward into the counter, one hand cradling the back of his head as he stood there stunned.
It’s moments like this I always imagined myself as being someone cool. Like after beaming the man in the back of the head, I’d say like a cool one-liner such as, “Time to open a can of whoop-ass.” Or. “I’ve been aching for a beat down and today is your lucky day.” Or some bullshit like that.
Unfortunately, I am not cool. Instead an a pathetic, shrill, and panicked voice, I shouted at the clerk, "Grab his gun!"
Yet the man behind the counter was also not me, in that he wasn’t stupid, nor brave, instead, he turned and bolted through the door behind the counter. Fucking coward... I whimpered, which in hindsight, was not fair of me to think. The guy totally made the right call getting the hell out of there. Though, at the moment, I was whimpering and shaking as the hooded man turned to look back in my direction. Immediately I turned to run, just as the man held up what looked like a small revolver, and suddenly I felt a hot, searing pain erupt somewhere in my upper back, and before I knew it, the hard tiled floor came rising to meet my face.
I felt like I was drowning. Hot liquid filled my mouth; I could hardly breathe. I gagged and gurgled what I could assume was my blood. There were distant shouts, then a cacophony of banging and sirens.
Fucking hell, I'm dying! I'm fucking dying!
I tried to call out for help, yet all that came out was gore and vomit.
No! No! For fuck's sake, this can't be how I go. Please, not like this.
My vision faded. A bright light shone above me, and briefly, I could see what looked like a man and woman, their voices distant, yet I could faintly hear, "He's going into shock! C'mon, hang in there! We're almost at the hospital; stay with us. Look at me! Look at him—we're losing him! Get the defibrillator." And then silence...
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Suddenly, heat, slime, and an unfamiliar musk assaulted my senses. I couldn't breathe, and the sound of a woman screaming assaulted my eardrums as a violent force shoved me forward. I gasped and choked for air as a cool breeze wafted over me. I felt weightless as something grabbed me firmly and yanked me upwards into the sky.
What the fuck is happening?! I thought to myself, panicking.
I was no longer in pain though I was struggling to breathe. My lungs felt sore and my guts were flopping all over as an otherworldly force tossed me around. I felt like I was flying as if I was in a dream, yet this felt more like a nightmare. That’s when I realized I could also think again, but when I tried to open my eyes, everything was blurry aside from distant shapes.
Oh fuck, I'm blind! I began to panic.
I opened my mouth to cry for help, yet, what I heard was not my voice. Yet something that sounded more akin to that of a baby...
Whatever was making me fly halted abruptly and turned me around onto my back, my legs violently forced apart. I cried out once more as I tried to pathetically resist the giant violating me.
"Woohoo!" I heard my violator shout before suddenly speaking something that wasn't English. Before I could think I was once more twirled around in the air, and the blurry giant that was toying with me yanked me forward so close to their face that the blurriness cleared to reveal a young, handsome man with bright green eyes and short brown hair smiling at me.
My screaming ceased as my eyes narrowed on the unfamiliar being before me. I fucking died and went to hell. What is this?
The giant man smiled widely at me and then hoisted my tiny form over to someone else I couldn't see. On either side of me, large, slender hands suddenly wrapped around me and clutched me gently as I began to scream with renowned panic. Whatever dream this was, I had enough; I was done. No way was I going to be stuck in this form around these gargantuan heathens who would dare violate me and toss me around for their amusement. My protests were soon interrupted when the gentler giant pulled me into a cradle alongside something soft and plump.
Once again, a voice I couldn't understand spoke up. Yet this one was soft and tender, yet also mixed in with what sounded like scolding. Confused, I just froze up. I had seen this once on Animal Planet if I curled up like a possum in the arms of whoever this giant thing was. I’d play dead. Then, they’ll like… toss me away or something? That’s when I’ll perform my escape. As to how I would do that. I don’t know yet. The plan is still in the well... Planning phase. So, I’ll play dead and try to think about what the fuck happened.
A few minutes ago, I was at a Seven-Eleven. I was wondering who the hell names a drink skedaddle, and then what… a robbery happened? I did something stupid, and I got what? Shot I think. I just remember the pain. Lots of it. Maybe I did get shot. Maybe I’m in the hospital and I’m just on some crazy hard drugs right now. That’d explain why I don’t feel pain right now.
Despite me trying to play dead I couldn’t help but feel the big smile on my face as I came to the realization. I’m just tripping major balls right now. High as a kite on the peak of Cloud Nine. Or am I just mixing metaphors?
Either way, this is not what I expected.
Mid-thought, I was interrupted when bending down, the figure who held me in a cradle bent over close enough so that their blurry appearance came into view. A gorgeous woman with striking blue eyes and short black hair that was matted with sweat, her cheeks were flushed red with exertion, yet as my eyes soaked in her features, what stood out to me most were her ears. They were long and pointed, like an elf from a fairy tale.
The giant woman said something to me and gave me a perplexed look. I heard the man who jostled me around say something before chuckling, and the woman smirked before taking her free hand and pulling down the loose cloth of her robes. She revealed her bosom and nipple to me, and at that very moment, as I ogled her breast, it clicked.
Or maybe I got reincarnated...